How to deal with hateful family members?
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fangmouse
Posts: 119
I'm 18 and I have some problems dealing with lots of unsupportive family members. I tend to get home really late after hockey training every night: usually around 10pm or 11pm and I have to eat dinner really late. I usually don't eat a lot before bed, just a quarter cup of cooked rice with boiled veggies and salmon or chicken and I'll go to bed 1 to 2 hours later.
I usually have lunch around 1 PM so it's like 10 hours without food. I don't feel super hungry after exercising so it's okay.
But then, every time my mum sees me eating at that time (training happens 2-3 times a week), she'd say things like, "do you think you should be eating dinner?" "I doubt you wanna eat that rice. Your dad doesn't eat rice at all, that's why he's so skinny (my dad doesn't eat rice but he eats lots of noodles and a ton of bread daily and he's only 53kg or 120lbs and his height is 5'7)"
I had disordered eating because of her but I find it hard to push her comments away. Also, she constantly criticises me about the way I dress, the way I talk and the way I act. Even my relatives. I can only be myself when I'm around my friends and my dad because they accept me for who I am. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs and have never had sex. I get mainly As in school with a few B's and I don't know what I'm doing wrong to make her criticise me so much. I'm usually quiet but when I get excited, I'll speak slightly more loudly and laugh like normal people do but my mum thinks I speak too loudly, and am proud. I don't show off to people what I have and I am quick to praise people around me.
I also don't like to eat with my parents because I feel like I eat a ton more when I'm with them. Don't get me wrong, I love them and I love to spend time with them but I just don't know how to deal with food when I'm with them. It does y help that my mum keeps telling me to eat some weight loss supplements.
So the question is, how do you people deal with people who don't accept you for who you are and make comments about eating that are really disordered = she believes that starving yourself and eating close to nothing a day is the right way to go.
Also, the 1/4 cup of cooked rice is my only source of actual starchy carbs per day. My lunch and breakfast consists of salads, yogurt, milk, fruits and a bit of meat.
I usually have lunch around 1 PM so it's like 10 hours without food. I don't feel super hungry after exercising so it's okay.
But then, every time my mum sees me eating at that time (training happens 2-3 times a week), she'd say things like, "do you think you should be eating dinner?" "I doubt you wanna eat that rice. Your dad doesn't eat rice at all, that's why he's so skinny (my dad doesn't eat rice but he eats lots of noodles and a ton of bread daily and he's only 53kg or 120lbs and his height is 5'7)"
I had disordered eating because of her but I find it hard to push her comments away. Also, she constantly criticises me about the way I dress, the way I talk and the way I act. Even my relatives. I can only be myself when I'm around my friends and my dad because they accept me for who I am. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs and have never had sex. I get mainly As in school with a few B's and I don't know what I'm doing wrong to make her criticise me so much. I'm usually quiet but when I get excited, I'll speak slightly more loudly and laugh like normal people do but my mum thinks I speak too loudly, and am proud. I don't show off to people what I have and I am quick to praise people around me.
I also don't like to eat with my parents because I feel like I eat a ton more when I'm with them. Don't get me wrong, I love them and I love to spend time with them but I just don't know how to deal with food when I'm with them. It does y help that my mum keeps telling me to eat some weight loss supplements.
So the question is, how do you people deal with people who don't accept you for who you are and make comments about eating that are really disordered = she believes that starving yourself and eating close to nothing a day is the right way to go.
Also, the 1/4 cup of cooked rice is my only source of actual starchy carbs per day. My lunch and breakfast consists of salads, yogurt, milk, fruits and a bit of meat.
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Replies
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By the way, I'm currently a UK size 6-8 or US size 2-6 depending on the cutting of the clothes and if I like them baggy on me. US 6 is usually kind of big on me. . I feel really fat and it doesn't help when my mum makes hurtful comments about me. I often compare myself to some girls around me and I feel like I'm bigger than them and it sucks
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I think from the information you provided its really hard to really figure out whats going on. I would say respect her because she is your mother, but at the same time you have to do your own thing and keep eating healthy if that is what you want to do. Never alter yourself to fit someone else's picture of how you should be if that is not what you want to do. Gl keep your head up.0
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By no definition ever is a size 2-6 even REMOTELY fat. Your mother clearly has issues and is trying to push them on you. Don't let her.
Do NOT let her talk you into ANY weight loss supplements. At best they're a waste of money, at worse they'll mess up your system.
If she keeps up commenting on what you're eating for dinner, tell her that you're eating back your exercise calories.0 -
Hi,
Sounds like you're doing just fine
I don't want to say anything negative about the people around you, but it sounds like you're dealing with their issues as best you can. Keep up the healthy exercise & positive attitude!
You'll do well :flowerforyou:0 -
I've been in a position similar to yours, and it sucks. Sometimes you just have to turn up the music in your head and tune them out.0
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You mum sounds like a real peach! You don't get to act like a bi*tch and then claim family like it's some sort of diplomatic immunity. I'm sorry that you're dealing with a mum that is so obviously controlling. I would just try to handle it the best way you know how and leave as soon as you can. There is no law that says you must keep in contact with toxic negative people just because they are a family member. Another good thing to do would be to realize that people like that seldom ever change. Once you stop expecting her to act like a proper mum should, you can't be disappointed by the person that she is and her comments will sting less and less. Then it's just up to you to decide if you want the sort of person she is to be an active participant in your life. I'm sorry again for your situation. Best of luck!0
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It sounds to me like your Mom is very unhappy within herself. I would never suggest you be disrespectful to her and it sounds like you are doing well overall. (I think it's wonderfully marvelous that you abstain from all the negative habits many young people fall into) Go YOU! Anyway, Perhaps you can respond to her and others by thanking them for their concern, and if they have a valid point, consider it, but if not, just let it go. Maybe with some research you can find out why your mom responds to you like she does. Often, if we understand where someone is coming from, we can be empathetic, but we don't have to take those traits on ourselves.0
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"I speak too loudly, and am proud"
Boy, never stop speaking firmly and authoritatively. Never.
Speak up. Always.0 -
Have you had a quiet talk with her about your feelings and how her words have such negative weight on you? If you feel you can't talk directly to her about it, talk to your dad. I'm sure she loves you but just doesn't know about supplements or what her words are doing.0
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I would just like to say, you seem to be every bit, the daughter to be proud of. Self motivated, attentive at school, loves sport enough to train three times a week and still get good grades. You sound thoughtful too.
What ever you do, don't take any slimming shakes or slimming products. I would be frightened of you slipping through the gratings/cracks. If you do want something to add into your diet to help bridge the 10 hour gap between lunch and your after training meal you could try something like Complan. This is designed to provide a balanced meal substitute primarily for those unable to eat normally, those post op or the elderly, It used to come in individual cartons with a choice of flavours. I don't know how you can train and go so long without food. You might not feel hungry but you probably are past it. I was always hungry when I played hockey. A life time ago
My worry is you are under not over eating. Take care of yourself. all the very best0 -
"let the haters hate..."
you sound well rounded and balanced do what you think best! at least youre active...0 -
I'm concerned that you're actually not eating even CLOSE to enough. Unless you're eating a sh*tload of food during the day I can't imagine you eating enough to sustain your activity level. Are you out of high school? If so, can you move out? This seems like a toxic environment for you.0
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I'm concerned that you're actually not eating even CLOSE to enough. Unless you're eating a sh*tload of food during the day I can't imagine you eating enough to sustain your activity level. Are you out of high school? If so, can you move out? This seems like a toxic environment for you.
Umm I'm pretty short like 5'2 - 5'3 so I don't need as much calories as a taller person might need! Hmm I usually have a relatively big breakfast of 1/2 cup of yogurt with about 2 tbsp of wholegrain cereal with lots of fruit - a banana, a kiwifruit, a passionfruit, 1 tbsp silvered almonds and it's really filling! Or maybe I'm able to sustain the energy because I'm used to it (which is really bad because it may mean my metabolism is slowing down oh man I do hope not). Umm I'm kind of in college but not university. My country follows the UK system so college means schooling between secondary school and uuniversity. And it's not common for people my age in my country to move out well I'll probably be going to university in Australia once I graduate from college which will be 1+ year later.
I agree with the toxic environment thing though. I grew up with my relatives and mum telling me that I'll never be good enough and it does affect my confidence and self esteem. When I finally met people who believed in me and my abilities in college, I was so thankful to God for letting me find those people because they slowly helped me gain the confidence I need and slowly, I'm starting tobelieve that I can do great things, which is well, great but in the meantime II guess I can only learn to cope with it 0 -
I'm concerned that you're actually not eating even CLOSE to enough. Unless you're eating a sh*tload of food during the day I can't imagine you eating enough to sustain your activity level. Are you out of high school? If so, can you move out? This seems like a toxic environment for you.
Umm I'm pretty short like 5'2 - 5'3 so I don't need as much calories as a taller person might need! Hmm I usually have a relatively big breakfast of 1/2 cup of yogurt with about 2 tbsp of wholegrain cereal with lots of fruit - a banana, a kiwifruit, a passionfruit, 1 tbsp silvered almonds and it's really filling! Or maybe I'm able to sustain the energy because I'm used to it (which is really bad because it may mean my metabolism is slowing down oh man I do hope not). Umm I'm kind of in college but not university. My country follows the UK system so college means schooling between secondary school and uuniversity. And it's not common for people my age in my country to move out well I'll probably be going to university in Australia once I graduate from college which will be 1+ year later.
I agree with the toxic environment thing though. I grew up with my relatives and mum telling me that I'll never be good enough and it does affect my confidence and self esteem. When I finally met people who believed in me and my abilities in college, I was so thankful to God for letting me find those people because they slowly helped me gain the confidence I need and slowly, I'm starting tobelieve that I can do great things, which is well, great but in the meantime II guess I can only learn to cope with it
I didn't realize you were eating breakfast. Since you said something about lunch being at 1 I thought you just skipped it. Hopefully you eat a decent sized lunch to fuel you until dinner. Maybe you should just tell your mom that it makes you feel bad when she comments about your food and that you would rather keep that subject off limits.0 -
I didn't realize until I became a mother how much you worry about your chlld..that they are going to be sick, they are not going to have a successful career, they are going to be rejected or unloved. It is terribly hard to just trust that the universe is not going to hurt your child so you try to push your child into being "perfect" so they'll be protected from harm.
Of course, this does way more harm than good.
Now that I'm a mother, I have to stop myself from trying to control our son's life to protect him.
Just bear in mind that your mother is doing this because she wants to protect you from harm...from being overweight, from being whatever it is that she fears...
You could just say: Mom, I appreciate your concern. Thank you.
Just that. She wants to know you hear her and that she is doing her job of protecting you.
Also, why not carry a snack your gym bag so you can have something before you get home?0 -
You cannot control what they do and say. You can only control what you do and say.
I would maintain respect for her, and politely tell her to stop.
"I understand and appreciate your concern. This is working well for me and I don't see it as a good use of our time together to have this conversation every night."
Could you ask your dad to help?
I agree with the poster that said you are dealing with her problems. Very true. Just don't let them become your problems.0 -
Oh, I feel so sorry for you, darling. No person deserves that and it's especially hard as you're at such a vulnerable stage of your development. Kudos for taking it very well. I think you're already doing an amazing job. I would hardly be able to cope with what you're going through. Could you see your situation as the very personal challenge that has been given to you? With the goal of staying true to yourself and loving yourself even in such a difficult situation. And in addition, it might help to understand where your mother is coming from. As others have stated: your mother seems to have an issue with herself. She is probably very critical of herself and wants the best for you, in a way. Sometimes people believe it is best to conform to some ideal rather than to strive for authenticity and happiness. Everyone probably does that to some extend. It is then helpful to understand that your goal might be different from hers. I think you are very mature for an 18-year old. One thing to try is rational behavioural therapy which helps you to question your own thinking (which is likely skewed your mother's thinking). I think the technique will be very helpful for your situation. Good luck, girl!0
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It sounds to me as though when your Mum is talking to you - she's actually talking to herself. She may say ' you' need to do this or that but really, she means 'i' need to. It's easier for her to criticise you than make changes to her own life. This info might help you deal with her comments - brush them off or turn them back to her. Your life sounds good, keep enjoying it.0
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I am a Mom and a very flawed one, at that. I know that there a million things I do wrong - but it doesn't stop me from trying to be the best Mom I can. I encourage you strongly to take a bold step for you and your relationship with your Mom. Tell her you love her and your relationship means everything to you and give her a copy of the post you wrote. Don't change a word. Let her read it.
Yes, she is going to be hurt. And maybe even defensive, but in the long run...you will both be happy you started a new chapter in your relationship. I would be CRUSHED if my kid felt as you do. I would be even more DEVASTATED if I never got the opportunity to change.
Bless your heart. You are a good kid. You are loveable and I imagine you are dearly loved. Just give her a chance. And keep on keeping on, you are doing a great job and are a very strong kid.0 -
My older brother puts me down whenever I go home to see my parents. He eats chocolate, crisps, sweets, cakes, coke, milk, pot noodles and other fatty and unhealthy foods as snacks rather then a main meal and he calls me fat and ugly and that I'll never have a bf, with btw I have I just don't tell anyone cos I know that he would say stuff too. We have never really got on as he had ADD but does that hive him the right to speak to me like that or comment on my weight. He is the only one in the family with the skinny gene,. I just think would he say stuff like that if he was naturally skinny eating rubbish and not going out except once a month. And would rather spend all day playing games than getting a job.
Feels good getting that off my chest0
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