Thoughts about dating..

Options
dani22105
dani22105 Posts: 94 Member
in Motivation and Support
I started using humor to hide my feelings when I started to gain weight- possibly around 12 years old. Naturally, humor just came to me. I used it to make fun of myself so others wouldn't; it was my barricade, it was my shield. Now almost 25 years old I still am the funniest of my friends. I can talk to just about anyone and make them laugh, but I still hide behind it. While most of my friends are getting engaged or are married already, I still sit with my single friends and laugh about how we are the "smart" ones, but really we are the lonely ones. We are too self-conscious to let ourselves be seen by the people we want to be seen by. I have been single for quite a few years now. Dating off and on but nothing serious. Do I still hide behind my humor and make fat jokes so others won't? Absolutely and it is the most disgusting think I can do to myself.

My friends suggested dating online so I joined a few websites, met a few guys, it was a joyous but treacherous journey. I met one guy who was an engineer and so fun in the beginning, but there was something missing. I felt I was dating my dad- yeah, weird and it only got weirder haha. I'm in no hurry to get married or have kids but it would be nice to feel confident in myself and actually allow a man to get to know me. Is it just girls that do this? Once they don't qualify or meet certain standards, I feel like I just give up.

At some point I know it'll hit me, which I'm pretty sure it has almost. I deserve love, no matter what size I am. No matter what humor I use. I know there is someone out there for me, but I have to be certain that I accept myself completely before anyone else can.

Anybody feel the same? Suggestions on getting through this horrific stage? I really don't want to be 50 years old and single haha. HELP!

Replies

  • ashandstuff
    ashandstuff Posts: 442 Member
    Options
    I am right there with you friend.

    Curious to see what helpful responses you get!
  • samammay
    samammay Posts: 468
    Options
    You're young. By and large, younger people are more concerned with superficial things. Like weight. There are plenty of people out there that will love you exactly the way you are. The first person that needs to is you.

    But never fear... you'll find yours. Just might take a while to find the right one.

    Dont be afraid of online dating. There is a great amount of people out there that are looking for someone special. It will give you the opportunity to meet people you never would have otherwise. I met my wife online (back when it was only for losers!) and we've been together for 11 years now. We never would have met if it werent for the internet.
  • JDMarlowe
    JDMarlowe Posts: 327 Member
    Options
    I did the EXACT same thing.. I made jokes about myself to beat everyone else to the punch line. But all that did was bring my self confidence down even more. I can't speak on the single part because I married my high school sweetheart. But my advice is to
    1- start weaning yourself off the self destructive jokes.
    2- Start telling yourself, and believing it, that you are worth love and worth some ones time and company!
    3- Go after what you want and know you deserve. Put yourself out there. Yes, you may get hurt in the process, but it's just a building block to know what to and what not to go for in the future.
    Everyone deserves happiness. Nothing is wrong with online dating at all!! Just keep your eyes and heart open to all the possibilities that are out there. It will fall in your lap, most likely, when you least expect it.
    Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you find what your heart is looking for!
    Have a great day!
  • alisonlynn1976
    alisonlynn1976 Posts: 929 Member
    Options
    The best way to be an appealing date is to become happy and confident, and the best way to do that is to spend as much time as possible doing things you like and are good at.

    Don't focus on marriage or one true love, focus on meeting people whose company you enjoy. The rest will fall into place. (Well, I don't believe in one true love personally, but I do believe in love in a more general sense)
  • dani22105
    dani22105 Posts: 94 Member
    Options
    Thanks everyone!! :) Enjoy today!
  • nikkiclaire123
    nikkiclaire123 Posts: 119
    Options
    we accept the love with think we deserve.

    how can you expect anyone to love you when you dont love yourself.
  • bwogilvie
    bwogilvie Posts: 2,130 Member
    Options
    My favorite advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, would suggest joining a group centered on one of your interests or hobbies and getting to know people that way, instead of, or in addition to, using dating sites. That way, you get to know people who have at least one common interest with you, and because it's not dating, you don't have the pressure of being on a date. If you meet someone with whom you hit it off, you could ask them out. If not, you've made new friends, some of whom might know someone they'd like to introduce you to.
  • MrsFowler1069
    MrsFowler1069 Posts: 657 Member
    Options
    I did the EXACT same thing.. I made jokes about myself to beat everyone else to the punch line. But all that did was bring my self confidence down even more. I can't speak on the single part because I married my high school sweetheart. But my advice is to
    1- start weaning yourself off the self destructive jokes.
    2- Start telling yourself, and believing it, that you are worth love and worth some ones time and company!
    3- Go after what you want and know you deserve. Put yourself out there. Yes, you may get hurt in the process, but it's just a building block to know what to and what not to go for in the future.
    Everyone deserves happiness. Nothing is wrong with online dating at all!! Just keep your eyes and heart open to all the possibilities that are out there. It will fall in your lap, most likely, when you least expect it.
    Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you find what your heart is looking for!
    Have a great day!

    Well said and good points. :)
  • Howdoyoufeeltoday
    Howdoyoufeeltoday Posts: 481 Member
    Options
    we accept the love with think we deserve.

    how can you expect anyone to love you when you dont love yourself.

    This is dead on. I've been with some *kitten* who never really treated me right. I always wondered why I kept falling into the same pattern till over the summer I met a friend of a friend and we became fast friends and started talking more. He knew about a lot of the stuff going on in my life and was being really supportive and kind. He would tell me how awesome I am and how I deserve the best. one day he said he was really interested in me and asked me out and I suddenly couldn't get away fast enough. I realized I didn't see the awesome girl he seemed to like so much and I didn't deserve all the attention, support and feelings he was giving me. How could I be there for him and cherish him if I couldn't even come to terms with myself? Everytime he would say something nice to me I would say "that's not true, i'm not that person". I just felt like I would be selfish if I strung him along on my own random journey of self discovery. I'm also sarcastic and make LOTS of jokes just like you do. I use it to hide my real feelings...but they're feelings you need to feel in order to work through your own self esteem issues. I'm no where near ready to let anyone in again but maybe one day I will be. You just need to find out who you are and be that person. Learn to love the good and bad parts and own everything you are. Good luck! :)
  • natalieyeo39
    natalieyeo39 Posts: 90 Member
    Options
    Wow your post resonated so much with me! I've always been the chubby one, like now when guys start walking towards me and my friends, I just roll my eyes and walk aside so that the guy can ask my friend for her number, that's just how habituated I am!

    I used to be like you, making jokes about my weight and size, my "chubbiness" till 2 incidents happened. A causal friend of mine commented that I really felt like the "nice fat girl" syndrome, the whole *****es can be mean because they're pretty and fat girls have to be nice to get friends. That gave me a mental punch to the gut, like was my whole nice persona just a façade and that I have a problem with hurting other people's feeling because I felt that would make them judge me. (Like I still have a problem saying no to people...)

    Another issue was a very good friend of mine started to join in on the jokes and make jabs at me until I was uncomfortable with it. When I confided in a mutual friend, he just went "People will just push you as much as you let them at the start" so now, after all the drama with that good friend (we aren't close anymore), when I see people, I don't make jokes of my weight and all. I just talk about work and relationship (or lack thereof) issues.

    In terms of relationship, after being the bridesmaid to female friends and being a 'bro' to my male friends, I am cynical about male attention to say the least! Hahaha right now I'll rather work on myself than on finding other people, because if they don't give a rats *kitten* now, I don't see why I should give a rat's *kitten* about it either! Besides, if you don't love yourself and feel the love, you can't perceive other's affection for you! (seriously that is my issue). Hope this sharing helped!
  • dani22105
    dani22105 Posts: 94 Member
    Options
    Wow you guys are really awesome! Lol thank you for your feedback. My life is changing. It's changing for the better and I have so much to live for. It is gorgeous outside, I am blessed and I have a mighty God that isn't going to let me quit at anything in my life. Weight loss being one. My issues I know mostly stem from my weight. I cannot wait for the day that my weight is not my number one worry.

    As for dating, it can be put on hold right now. Self discovery and loving myself is what I need to fix. You are all right. How can I let someone love me if I don't love myself fully. I love myself enough to change. To get better at everything I do. To understand that being skinny isn't going to "fix" my issues with the love that I need for myself. I'm accepting the fact that my weight has a lot to do with my outlook on life. I'm happy but I could be happier. I've realized I put myself last on the list. I need to make myself first for once and get to the person I've always wanted to be. Life is TOO short to be miserable. So here's to a new and healthy beginning. It's never too late. I need to improve my mind, body and soul. The man who gets me is one lucky *kitten* lol but for now, I need to be the luck I've needed all these years and start with ME.

    xoxo add me if you'd like!

Categories