Dealing with an unsupportive partner
MePlus20
Posts: 55 Member
Anyone else trying to lose weight while with an unsupportive partner?
My partner is overweight, is against diets, and has a lot of hurt and shame associated with her body. People have been so hurtful to her because of her size. Now she is super-sensitive when talking about food, diet, and exercise.
My partner does want me to be healthy and is supportive in a general sort of way, but because of her own issues she is sometimes uncomfortable when she sees me actually making changes. She'll make comments about how diets don't work and you ultimately gain weight back, and goes on in ways that I find very discouraging. Even though my changes are about me, she tends to take them personally and starts judging herself and gets defensive. We've talked about it and she is aware that this isn't about me judging her, and she knows it's a sore spot for her.
Though it's not what I'd wish, I accept that she cannot support me in ways I would like in making healthy changes for myself. But it does make the journey much harder.
I'm curious...How have others dealt with making changes when the people around them aren't on board with it? What things have you done to help you stay on track?
My partner is overweight, is against diets, and has a lot of hurt and shame associated with her body. People have been so hurtful to her because of her size. Now she is super-sensitive when talking about food, diet, and exercise.
My partner does want me to be healthy and is supportive in a general sort of way, but because of her own issues she is sometimes uncomfortable when she sees me actually making changes. She'll make comments about how diets don't work and you ultimately gain weight back, and goes on in ways that I find very discouraging. Even though my changes are about me, she tends to take them personally and starts judging herself and gets defensive. We've talked about it and she is aware that this isn't about me judging her, and she knows it's a sore spot for her.
Though it's not what I'd wish, I accept that she cannot support me in ways I would like in making healthy changes for myself. But it does make the journey much harder.
I'm curious...How have others dealt with making changes when the people around them aren't on board with it? What things have you done to help you stay on track?
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Replies
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My situation is a little different, but boils down to the same thing.
My bf has never had a problem with his weight. He can eat whatever he wants, and not gain a pound. It's hard sometimes when he has donuts, or candy, or ice cream (etc, etc, etc) in the house. My willpower has been improving, but it's still not where I want it, and it's hard having all those yummy treats around the house. Verbally he supports what I'm doing, but it seems like he doesn't really think much about it as far as what foods he brings home or things like that.
I try to just keep focused on me. It's really all you can do. You can slowly try to help her change her view of herself and her attitude, but until that changes, it's best to just stay focused on what you're doing to reach your goals.0 -
my guy has been supportive but unwilling to make the changes necessary for his health --- until recently.
I have lost 50 lbs and have tons more energy than ever before. I eat what I want to eat, just a little less of it. I work out pretty frequently also (so I can eat more). So far, the changes have been easier to make than ever before. My guy sees these changes in me and has decided that he wants to do it also.
Win, win is what I say.
Maybe you need to make the changes for yourself and see if your partner eventually comes around as well. Or you love the one you are with and both of you accept each other.0 -
I started trying new foods and didn't tell my family that they were low calorie or healthy. I just said I wanted to try something new and different. They eat them without flinching now. Exercise was a little harder. It started as an after dinner walk to help the digestion. Now it is simply accepted that I will be out at 6am for my morning walk. As you start feeling better and having more energy it becomes easier to self motivate.0
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My wife is addicted to candy and eats it as a comfort food. I am 6', 228 and she is 5'2" and will probably reach my goal weight before I do, except the other direction. She ranges from mildly supportive to passive aggressive to my changes in diet and exercise. It worries her that if I get in shape I wont be interested in her anymore. That I will somehow want to leave her once I reach my goals. Everytime she brings up making a change for her, she follows it with a bunch of BS excuses. She doesnt want to change... for either of us.0
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Do it the healthiest and most balanced way that you can, and show her that you're checking out the unknown and blazing a trail that is safe for her to take your hand and follow and you will be there every step of the way, when she is ready.
And if you are gentle with her feelings and love her genuinely, hopefully soon she wont be so scared and she will take your hand
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What sort of partner is she? Wife? Girl Friend?
In any situation I would suggest giving her tough love: tell her that it has nothing to do with her- this is something you're doing for yourself. Let her know that you won't make comments about her eating habits and goals if she doesn't make comments about yours. And when she does make an unsupportive remark say something purposefully nasty to her about what she eats.
There will be a fight. She will get upset. But it will be a starting point for an open and honest conversation between the two of you.
It sounds like she is not ready for you to lose weight, and if she cannot be truly supportive of you then you may have to evaluate the relationship.
*as a note: I am female, and if I was claiming to be supportive while doing something that was not I would want to be called out on it. I would get mad, and pout, and call them mean, but in the end if it was true and I really did want to support them I would make the effort to change.0 -
Successful people surround themselves with successful people, whatever the standard is (weight loss, career, sports, whatever).
If you are truly committed to this path, then you have some hard choices to make.
Good luck!0 -
I am on a diet to gain weight, as I am severely under weight, however my Grand Daughter lives with me and is overweight.
So when I look for high caloric foods that are also nutritious she gives me an attitude or comments why something won't work,
it's always a negative approach, if she wanted to change her body I would certainly encourage and help in any way I possibly could including buying anything she needed to further her goals.
It's just so very frustrating to be living under these circumstances. I don't need a sponser but I also don't need a critic.0 -
Successful people surround themselves with successful people, whatever the standard is (weight loss, career, sports, whatever).
If you are truly committed to this path, then you have some hard choices to make.
Good luck!
OUCH WHAT THE0 -
I'm curious...How have others dealt with making changes when the people around them aren't on board with it? What things have you done to help you stay on track?
It sounds to me like she's more in need of support than in a position to give it.
She's frightened. Your success is probably opening up deep wounds in her - you said she's got her own issues about her weight and size.
She'll be comparing herself to you as she sees you making changes - living with someone fitter and thinner is already hard, but in a same sex relationship the comparison will be even more acute. And she'll be feeling an overwhelming confusion of emotions - pride, love, resentment, jealousy, anger, hope, despair - all at once. But above all she'll probably be feeling fear - she'll be afraid of losing you because your success will be just compounding her negative feelings about herself, and she'll be afraid someone thinner, prettier, better in all kinds of ways will come and push her out of your life. She'll be afraid of trying to follow you and failing, and she'll be afraid because change is a threat, even a positive change. The misery we know is at least familiar. The joy we don't know is dangerous.
I don't know what the answer is but it seems to me that they only way you will get any support from her is through the support you can give her. Maybe you would both benefit from some relationship counselling so that she can express some of those overwhelming feelings and get on top of them and you can express your need for support.0 -
This is sad
My boyfriend and I plan our meals at the beginning of the week so we eat healthily and we go to the gym together. I couldn't do it without him and the same for him.
It seems to me that she wants you to be as unhealthy as her so she doesn't have to look at herself in the mirror.
She needs to sort her issue out for both your sakes. No, diets don't work, but a lifestyle change does.
If you both went down the same healthy path you'd get the same results.
Hopefully if she see's your changes she might try harder.
Hugs x0 -
My partner is always in super-good, strong shape and would never diet with me. Which I understand!
We live together, but he works away a lot. I've noticed that I always eat and work out best when he's not around.
He says I should "be careful" not to get "too skinny", lose my curves, etc and seems to think food-diarying means I have body image issues.
cooking together was a bit easier to solve. I just say I'm cutting out dairy, so "why don't you add the cheese/butter/sauce just to your portion"? that works 100%, and sometimes we end up making the healthy version for both of us!0 -
Successful people surround themselves with successful people, whatever the standard is (weight loss, career, sports, whatever).
If you are truly committed to this path, then you have some hard choices to make.
Good luck!
as hard to hear as this is- there is some truth to it.
I had to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend- an I mean- heart to heart meant- after nudging for almost 2.5 years- I broke up with him and he fought for 3 months to try to come to terms- we sat down and talked.
And one of my issues was I felt he was generally unmotivated in life- I move about 90 miles an hour- I don't mind if someone doesn't want to be as busy as I am- but if you don't have THINGS at all to do- or goals- or passions- I cant' do it.
One of my passions is working out and working one me- and he can't/won't do it.
And it's hard. it's really hard- I work so hard on me- and he gets a LOT of the perks from it- and he doesn't give a rats *kitten* about his body- at all. And he doesn't understand that I do. And it's painful. at some point- if he doesn't do more for himselfwe might have anothe rtalk.
it sucks.
Ultimately if you love her- you keep doing what you're doing FOR YOU- but have a sit down heart to heart you say-
"" Darling Significant Other of Mine. I love you. I deeply do- and I understand you have history with this sort of thing. But I'm tired of my body and my life the way they are- and while I would love for you to make changes- I do not expect you to do this journey with me- it is for me. But I do expect you to respect me and my choices- and you don't have to like it- or support it- (although I would appreciate support) I do expect you to not drag me down."0 -
Successful people surround themselves with successful people, whatever the standard is (weight loss, career, sports, whatever).
If you are truly committed to this path, then you have some hard choices to make.
Good luck!
as hard to hear as this is- there is some truth to it.
I had to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend- an I mean- heart to heart meant- after nudging for almost 2.5 years- I broke up with him and he fought for 3 months to try to come to terms- we sat down and talked.
And one of my issues was I felt he was generally unmotivated in life- I move about 90 miles an hour- I don't mind if someone doesn't want to be as busy as I am- but if you don't have THINGS at all to do- or goals- or passions- I cant' do it.
One of my passions is working out and working one me- and he can't/won't do it.
And it's hard. it's really hard- I work so hard on me- and he gets a LOT of the perks from it- and he doesn't give a rats *kitten* about his body- at all. And he doesn't understand that I do. And it's painful. at some point- if he doesn't do more for himselfwe might have anothe rtalk.
it sucks.
Ultimately if you love her- you keep doing what you're doing FOR YOU- but have a sit down heart to heart you say-
"" Darling Significant Other of Mine. I love you. I deeply do- and I understand you have history with this sort of thing. But I'm tired of my body and my life the way they are- and while I would love for you to make changes- I do not expect you to do this journey with me- it is for me. But I do expect you to respect me and my choices- and you don't have to like it- or support it- (although I would appreciate support) I do expect you to not drag me down."
Awesome post ↑↑
Unfortunately the thread is from Oct.2013.....Seriously Jo copy/paste this for the next/soon to be unsupportive partner thread....it was the best I have seen in one of these, too bad the OP most likely will not see it.0 -
Verbally he supports what I'm doing, but it seems like he doesn't really think much about it as far as what foods he brings home or things like that.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I know that I cannot let someone else's health choices affect my own but it is SO easy to fall into the comfort zone where he is.0 -
Awesome post ↑↑
Unfortunately the thread is from Oct.2013.....Seriously Jo copy/paste this for the next/soon to be unsupportive partner thread....it was the best I have seen in one of these, too bad the OP most likely will not see it.
thanks you but dayum- didn't even notice we got necroed!!!
ah well- it's been saved.
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It was the same for me and my girlfriend. Although we eventually broke up.0
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My bf is skinny, I was over 400 lbs when I met him. He continues to tell me he supports me because he wants me to be healthy. BUT.... When we have arguments, what comes out is he thinks after I lose weight ill leave him and find someone else who's fitness oriented. I've also been accused of "seeing other people" when I'm actually at the gym. I told him if he just went with me to the gym he'd see all I'm doing is working out... >_< It has definitely made a lifestyle change a lot more difficult. I'm just hoping that after awhile he'll see I'm not interested in anyone else and doing this solely for me.0
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My bf is skinny, I was over 400 lbs when I met him. He continues to tell me he supports me because he wants me to be healthy. BUT.... When we have arguments, what comes out is he thinks after I lose weight ill leave him and find someone else who's fitness oriented. I've also been accused of "seeing other people" when I'm actually at the gym. I told him if he just went with me to the gym he'd see all I'm doing is working out... >_< It has definitely made a lifestyle change a lot more difficult. I'm just hoping that after awhile he'll see I'm not interested in anyone else and doing this solely for me.
holy crap- that's not going to last. Sorry that's a serious red flag.
I live 2 hours away from my BF- and even when he's here for the 2 days of his weekend (which are mid work week for me)- I go to the gym.
There is absolutely unequivocal NO room for that type of behavior.
hate to say this- but I would seriously consider getting out- NOW. That type of behavior doesn't just go away.0 -
My bf is skinny, I was over 400 lbs when I met him. He continues to tell me he supports me because he wants me to be healthy. BUT.... When we have arguments, what comes out is he thinks after I lose weight ill leave him and find someone else who's fitness oriented. I've also been accused of "seeing other people" when I'm actually at the gym. I told him if he just went with me to the gym he'd see all I'm doing is working out... >_< It has definitely made a lifestyle change a lot more difficult. I'm just hoping that after awhile he'll see I'm not interested in anyone else and doing this solely for me.
holy crap- that's not going to last. Sorry that's a serious red flag.
I live 2 hours away from my BF- and even when he's here for the 2 days of his weekend (which are mid work week for me)- I go to the gym.
There is absolutely unequivocal NO room for that type of behavior.
hate to say this- but I would seriously consider getting out- NOW. That type of behavior doesn't just go away.
Yeah, it's not a good sign. I dealt with the same thing: worried that if I wasn't fat, I'd leave him for someone else. Often doubted where I said I was, or thought that I was leaving work to see other people.
He was really just worried that I'd stop believing his lies about who HE was talking to, and that I'd realize I didn't need him.
I don't want to make your situation into something it isn't, but that kind of mistrust isn't a good thing.0
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