Reflections from the first fifty...

I don't know how I got here...6 months ago I would have thought I was hopeless. While the first 50 does not really show as a startling visual on someone who has so much weight to lose the differences that I can FEEL are simply incredible. It took me so long to get here that being fat has been a way of life for a long time. Even before I was fat I was never really active. I think I am more active now than I was when I was thinner. Never in my life would I have thought I would utter the words "I like exercise." I would read about people who took up exercise and lost weight and knew that would never be me. I always figured if I did it, I would do it without the exercise. I used to say that if I exercised at this weight I would turn the fat to muscle and be huge forever. I didn't really believed it.... it was my excuse. In the past when I would diet I would eat 800 calories a day, feel like crap, and not lose weight - eventually I would give up and binge. I still do not understand how that can really happen but I am now a believer. I now eat about 1800 calories a day. Holy Crap..that is what you are thinking as you read this. I burn about 3000 calories in a week during exercise now that the pool is closed. I used to burn about 6000. I have not noticed a big difference in how the pounds come off yet. I suppose instead of swimming I do lift weight and use the resistance bands whenever I have a free moment or am pissed off or stressed..which is frequently lately! I have no idea what those activities amount to calorie-burning wise for the day.

My walking- Oh I do hate walking. I do not like being looked at and I am dreadfully bored. I cannot wait for the walk to be done. I am not sure why I do it when I can do the Wii inside..I feel like it is a different kind of burn..it is probably in my head. I still feel like I need to punish the weight off of myself. Deep thought that! I have noticed that I walk much faster than I used to and I am not dragging at the end at all. I do not come back and feel like I might die. This is great. In fact , when I get back I load up the Wii and start that. I only walk three days a week....I might just give it all up if I had to do more.

Wii...I use the Wii 6 days a week. Saturdays are tricky as I have to get up early because I do not want anyone watching me! I vary what I do on the Wii and make sure I stay on until it says I have burned at least 500 calories. I am loving...dancing and...boxing! CRAZY! I feel like this is not even me saying this. I used to totally suck on the boxing activities and now...I am in advanced and getting bored.

Weights/Bands...as I mentioned, outside of the Wii program I also love the weights and bands. I pick up my 25lb weight and use that to keep my arms strong for swimming. 25lbs for now is a lot with the types of lifts I am doing. I use the bands quite often as well. Sometimes I just feel the need to stretch the bands and feel my muscles react. These are such strange things for me to be writing. I have NEVER been interested in such things before. I can feel my arms and legs getting firm. It is not something you can see...they are still under much lard..but I can feel them. I can easily pick up the 40 lb dog of dog food...yeah...40 pounds. That may not be much to some people but the 20lb bags were a chore before...this is HUGE to me. I can pop it on my shoulder and just tote it up to the front of the store without popping a sweat. The hubby came over and was rubbing my neck and shoulders a few weeks back and was amazed at how different it felt. That was a cool feeling!

Real Age website...the lovely website that said I was 60.7 years old back in July now says that I am 44.5!!

So many things have become easier. Climbing stairs is not a chore that I put off until the end of the day. I can bop up and down pretty easily. I used to stack crap on the stairs and take it up on my way to bed. I NEVER went upstairs all day. Yeah...really bad. I do not ache like I used to. My energy level is THROUGH THE ROOF. I am actually restless often. My sugar levels are at the lower side of normal. Prior to this I was off the chart.

Sometimes I push away my plate with food still on it! The food is food that I LOVE. I feel satisfied and I push it away and save my calories for a snack later. Going on vacation did teach me that I do not want to under-eat...there is an amount to maintain so your body does not go into starvation mode. I always thought that was a bunch of crap too. Some nights I pop some almonds or some other high protein snack just to complete my calories. Imagine..I make myself eat. I am eating more now than I have in years...and I am losing weight. I feel like I am on another planet...

I love that the steering wheel is so far away now. I love that I need to safety pin my clothes. I tend to be eccentric and I am determined to keep in my at home /go shopping clothes until I have a HUGE difference . Then when I put on the new clothes it should be dramatic. Obviously I cannot look like a bag lady at work. I have been able to wear dresses for work that I have not seen in years. I love that I can find bones on various parts of my body. At the end of the day I am often not achy - that is HUGE!

Going out to eat - I used to fear the booth- 'nuff said.

The best discovery of all came over last weekend. We were at Chesterfield Gorge and we kept going down....down ...down..and I thought...WOW...this will suck coming back up! When we started walking back up I found it was not bad...I stepped it up a notch and was cruising up the hill when the kids yelled up to me "Do you have an appointment or something?" I was so stoked as I walked briskly up the hill..when I got to the top I was not winded...at all. You NEVER could have convinced me, back in July, that such a thing would ever be possible. It was a truly incredible feeling. I was at the top FIRST. I am always last. Not only am I last but I would stop...take off a sneaker...shake out an imagined rock...in an effort to inconspicuously catch my breath. I cannot tell you how often I messed with my shoes...or stood to take in a view or fix the camera etc. Not that day...it was one trip...up to the top. When I arrived I was not out of breath and I still had a ton of energy. This was by far the biggest accomplishment for me - it was an incredible feeling and it still blows my mind!

What to do to celebrate the first fifty? Well..the first thing that came to mind was a night out...a wonderful dinner. I squashed that. Not because I will no longer use food to celebrate but I don't want to use it as a reward. I can go out to eat anytime...it is all about moderation right? I think I would like a bracelet. I stopped wearing jewelry as I became fat - who decorates something ugly...seemed stupid to me. I am not anywhere near finished and this body is still quite ugly but a piece of jewelry will be a promise to myself...a sign of hope...a sign that someday maybe I will again feel like I have a right to wear the jewelry. YES..I know some of you are thinking...THERAPY...but it is what it is and you cannot change how you feel all that easily. Each week that I had a loss I put $10 in an envelope to spend on something frivolous when I hit 50. So..I have $140. With Ang's discount I should be able to get something cute! Woohoo!

Fear...I still have that floppy skin fear. I am terrified that I will have a crapload of hanging skin. Even if I got over my fear of surgery (highly unlikely) we cannot afford that kind of thing so...that Will suck. I already have a gross hangy down thing under my biceps...how much will shrink remains to be seen. They are making strides in these things and a laser procedure might not be so bad....

Then there is that whole...lose weight and you age so quickly thing. All that fat kept the face line-free. I love getting comments about how young I look. I love getting carded and the person is genuinely surprised when they see my date of birth. Now I am getting smile lines as the weight goes away. CRAP! The not looking old thing - it was the only thing I had going for me. I will learn to live with an old face but I will not like it. If you are not sure what I am speaking about - go check out Drew Carey. Yikes. He looks fit but old.

My end goal for the next fifty... still developing. I do hope to be able to do a push up. Just one. A real one..that might be awesome. As the colder weather approaches there are new food challenges ahead. Clam chowder, cookies, comfort food, cookies, holiday treats, cookies....yeah, I like cookies. Actually I started buying the break apart cookies and I cook 3 every week and eat them as I watch the football game Sunday night. Awesome! I just leave room for them during the day. Not too shabby!

All in all it has been a much better adventure than I would have ever thought...Here is hoping the next fifty goes as well...


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