"Boyfriend Problems" but still need to lose weight

Sporteee · October 2013

Hello..

I have been seeing a man.. I thought he was my boyfriend. Now it is looking like he is not my boyfriend. He has a very demanding job.. crazy hours...and he is not fully in charge of his time... he is sent out of state or far off to respond to emergencies.

However.. we had a real connection. For many months I thought it was moving toward love. Now I find out that although he filed for divorce before I met him... things have slowed down in that area... I do not know if it is because of his job and not having the time.. or if it is because of the cost .. attorneys and courts.. but.. he is just not as available as I thought he was.

So I am trying desperately to leave him alone.. maybe for a whole year and just see what happens on the other side of it all. I wish I did not fall in love with him, but I really did not know about the complications until months in.

I know dating a man going through a divorce is risky at best and he may have all kinds of weirdness going on.
Since we started dating and I did not know what was going on and what was prompting his need for "space"...
I gained some weight.

I have some hormone issues and I am sure I also did some stress eating. I gained 17 pounds.. I can barely pass for acceptably feminine looking when I am just under 200 .. but when I get up to 217.. I just cannot put it together...
my feiminity gets obscured by rectangular curves and I lose my waistline... I no longer feel comfortable with my body.

I know my guy friend is trying to stay away from me for a while and I him... but I miss him so much. I really need support to get determined to lose this weight. I look okay at 172... 150 is my goal.

I am afraid of online dating ... because my photo is from last year when I was about 182.. and men do contact me... but I don't want to meet them at all at 217.

I have been alone so much of my life, even though I was married, my ex husband never touched me... for over a decade. I really want a permanent love relationship, hopefully marriage. i do not want to make the mistake again of getting to know a man and thinking he is available and finding out he really is not.

It feels awful to be in love with a guy who did not tell me about his mess at home and at work.. .and to find out he really is not ready for a relationship.

It is so hard to find a man who accepts me for being a little overweight as it is... I am terrified of being used or seen as a temporary woman or being lied to.

I know there is a man out there somewhere for me but I really want to be strong enough to not look for him and not care and just get through this weight loss somehow before looking.

It takes me so much more for me to lose weight with my hormone imbalance than it does for others who do not have my diagnosis. I have to work out more than an hour a day and be on an extreme diet and take hormone supplements for the scale to move at all. If I do nothing but diet.. I gain weight even if I am eating very little... I am at least grateful that I now realize without a lot of exercise it does not work for me.

I tend to platuea at a little bigger than I am now if I do not do extreme work outs. I am desperate to never get that big again... it makes my back hurt.

I got injured last fall and that is when I started this weight gain.
Any encouragement welcome... and please check back. All my friends are thin and married and no one has this diagnosis...
they do not understand how hard it is... and I have no reason to tell them, I do not want to be a bummer. I do hope that I can figure this out and beat it and get to my goal weight. I am petrified that my daughter may get this condition when she is a teen.

Any stress and any sitting around and boom... rapid weight gain. At least I know.. I can no longer put anyone ahead of my need to excercise. I do have an elliptical trainer in my garage.

kristen6022 · October 2013

Pick yourself off the floor, brush yourself off and move on.

Weight loss is 100% mental. It's about commiting to A LOT of changes. It's about caring about yourself more than you care about anything else. You need to make a decision if this is the right time and if it is, jump in. Start by making little changes. Like, if you drink soda, cut it out. When you go out, drink less. When you go to restaurants, substitue french fries for broccoli. Take more walks.

This is the perfect time for you to commit to yourself. You have a goal, go get it. Don't let anyone else complicate that. If I can lose 45 pounds ANYONE can. I used to be the laziest, no-willpower person EVER. I lost most of my weight when I was single and could devote my time to ME. It's very well worth all the changes. You won't believe how much better you'll feel!

LiminalAscendance · October 2013

You're saying you've gained weight as a result of emotional issues dealing with this guy? And you're still debating whether you should keep seeing him?

You'll keep seeing him, and it's no one else's business but your own, since you're the only one getting hurt by it (he certainly isn't going to pay for it), but just for reference:

The whole "guy meets girl, and is getting a divorce that never seems to happen" is quite the cliche. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to deal with the eventual loss of this relationship.

Get your head on right, and take care of yourself. The rest will fall into place.

LishieFruit89 · October 2013

You're saying you've gained weight as a result of emotional issues dealing with this guy? And you're still debating whether you should keep seeing him?

You'll keep seeing him, and it's no one else's business but your own, since you're the only one getting hurt by it (he certainly isn't going to pay for it), but just for reference:

The whole "guy meets girl, and is getting a divorce that never seems to happen" is quite the cliche. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to deal with the eventual loss of this relationship.

Get your head on right, and take care of yourself. The rest will fall into place.

^yup

weaving2fast · October 2013

Be strong and take care of #1. No man can save you. Finding independence can be very liberating. Do not worry about what happens with this guy or any guy. Take the time to put the work in that makes you feel good about yourself. I once defined myself by my relationships with other people and it didn't make me very happy. When I accepted once and for all that I control what happens to me an entire new chapter opened up. Don't worry about the future. Take care of yourself today.

cuinboston2014 · October 2013

Even with your hormone imbalance, you can still always be the best version of you. I'm sure it's hard to relate to - I can't relate as I can gain or lose weight when I actually pay attention to my actions.

You do need to let go of him. He is doing you no good. You cannot be in a healthy relationship with anyone until you are in a healthy relationship with yourself.

So just like the other posters say - just do what you need to do for you. Someone will love you. Many of us here are overweight and have found people that love us at any size.

Hang in there - let him go - let go of the emotional weight and the actualy weight. You'll be set.

Sporteee · October 2013

Thank you all... any encouragement really helps. It is nice to hear others have found someone while heavy.. just in case the hormones beat me.. a lot of people with this diagnosis have not been able to lose.

I already lost 65 pounds and gained half of it back over a year later. So I know if I can afford the supplements to balance the hormones and work myself out very hard with super exercise I can do it. Not by sitting.
I gained weight initially after losing it when I hurt myself lifting a patient. The pain was so great I had to stay pretty much still for a while. Then I got very upset when I realized.. months later.. that the relationship was built on a miscommunication.

If I knew how messy and not moving forward his divorce was I would have never given him a chance. It is only hard now because we got very close. I do not want to be in the middle of it. I really am trying to leave him alone but every time some good thing happens my first impulse is to email him or call him and let him know the good news.

It is not easy for me at all. I did not have any emotional support at all in a very long marriage... so this was the first relationship since then, the first attention that was positive from an intimate partner in over a decade.

So yes I am hurting. No I am not waiting for him to get his stuff together.. I really suspect he will just avoid his messy situation and never resolve it. He also has been without the attention and love in a cold marriage for more than a decade.

It is a little easier to be alone and not have a partner than to be with a cold person just filling the seat who is in your home not seeing who you are.

So I have been focusing on healing from that for a few years. Yes I will grieve a few weeks.. we just broke up... less than a week ago.. so I am just in that state of trying to break the habit of relying on him as a friend, cheerleader and romantic partner.

I literally may have to just hide my phone to stop hoping there will be a text message or call.

I don't define myself by him.. but I certainly am still bonded and the last thing i want is to rush into anything. I just want to be strong enough to lose the weight first. This is more about having been in a many year marriage that had no intimacy and no tenderness.. than the recent boyfriend.. More about being so alone for so long.. alone in a crowd.

I am grateful to have ended that marriage and hopeful that the future is very bright ... and I deeply appreciate all of your encouragement. Really I do. I cannot talk to the women friends around me about it. Not one of them has been in a difficult divorce and most are extremely fit. So I really appreciate it.

So_Much_Fab · October 2013

Be strong and take care of #1. No man can save you. Finding independence can be very liberating. Do not worry about what happens with this guy or any guy. Take the time to put the work in that makes you feel good about yourself. I once defined myself by my relationships with other people and it didn't make me very happy. When I accepted once and for all that I control what happens to me an entire new chapter opened up. Don't worry about the future. Take care of yourself today.

This...a million times over.

ldrosophila · October 2013

I think 99% of us will tell you to let this relationship go.

That love feeling is mostly chemical anyways.

You have to do this for yourself. In your heart of heart you know what is right. Men are simple creatures actions always speak louder than words with him. If the action hasnt been put forth then you know your answer.

I hope for yourself and your health you make the right choice.

MFPRat · October 2013

Make this about you, not him.

Sounds like you were a nice distraction while he was dealing with his marriage troubles, you don't want to be a rebound.

Take some time and be kind to yourself. Work from the inside out. Make peace with yourself.

yasminhancey1982 · October 2013

Looking after your self is number one priority in my book,think of it as a year for you or the rest of your life, don't worry about men, concentrate on how you see food and think of it as year off, if you find someone it's a bonus.

teamnevergoingback · October 2013

Drop all excuses. The only thing standing in the way of you and 150 pounds is YOU, so move over sister!

I am very sorry about the guy problems you are going through, I can tell you from experience, sometimes it is much more easy to get healthy when you are single than when you are in a relationship. Now, you have so much free time to focus on the most important person in your world... YOU! Lose the weight for you! Don't meet a guy while you're unhappy and then try to get happy. You need to be complete as a full person before you join in a relationship, it's not fair for anyone involved. You will start getting when you deserve when you earn it and believe it. If you walked around with your head down not feeling good enough, why would other people think you're good enough? I think you need to own that 217 pounds right now and make every single day count towards losing it for good. Create who you want to be every single day and happiness comes hand in hand. :indifferent:

I'm not a forever skinny girl talking.... I started at 215 pounds, so I do know what it feels like.

nellyb2011 · October 2013

These replies are right on the money.

links_slayer · October 2013

tl;dr

Sporteee · October 2013

Be strong and take care of #1. No man can save you. Finding independence can be very liberating. Do not worry about what happens with this guy or any guy. Take the time to put the work in that makes you feel good about yourself. I once defined myself by my relationships with other people and it didn't make me very happy. When I accepted once and for all that I control what happens to me an entire new chapter opened up. Don't worry about the future. Take care of yourself today.

This...a million times over.

I agree with you all.. that is very encouraging. I am more focused on helping my children get through the terrible divorce and the physical and emotional abuse from their father than I am men. This friend was very important to me, he helped me a great deal with not being afraid of my ex husband who is truly a threat to me. He wants to keep in contact because he is teaching me about protecting myself but it does not work for me as just a friend yet. So I am grateful to have had him in my life and i will just focus on how much he helped me not live in fear of being attacked again by my ex. But... it really was bad timing for him to move it from friendship to a relationship. I regret that it became a romance when if he had clearly told me the situation it would not have been. We miscommunicated, it happens. He has his own business to take care of and if he never does... I can't in any way hang on, it is very clear intellectually. But particularly hard for me because I am very much bonded to him because I literally was in a traumatic situation and I know I do not feel safe physically sometimes and that is part of my impulse to get back with him.
My attorney says it is not worth the aggravation to get another restraining order against my ex husband right now because he is really just using fear and intimidation now.. and has not actually attacked me in over a year. So... I am struggling with giving myself the feeling of safety. I am also struggling with losing a few close friends .. who are still friends but not as close because my ex husband scared them and threatened them and it is really truly a rough time. But because I have young children, I truly need to bet fit and be ready to protect them and be very very strong emotionally. So yes.. online support from you wonderful anonymous friends is so appreciated. And yes I am in therapy, yes I am in a domestic violence survivor support group.
It has been 2 years since the last physical violence against me but he is still stalking me. He has claimed the will never give up on me publicly to friends .... hence he freaked them out. So.. the mental game is very tough and I intend to win it.. and move on and be strong for my kids and not let fear of a nutball keep me from having a normal life. Unfortunately we share custody so there is an ongoing thing for my kids. I will be back for support. I do appreciate every word from all of you. Thank you.
Quite a few years ago I was a very sunny and encouraging person with many friends. I still feel that person inside of me... but it is a very difficult situation to deal with a crazy ex who is constantly trying to start something, falsely accuse, drag me to court or physically threaten. When I do find a relationship again.. it will take a very strong man to not let the ex effect him. I am doing everything I can to be no contact with the ex, who is constantly making excuses to try and get under my skin. My friends see it... and it is too much for them in some ways... so I have become more isolated. Several of his former friends have said that he is an extremely dangerous person now that I dumped him. So I know that when your heart breaks it is sometimes so that it can grow .. the old smaller shell has to break so you can become stronger and bigger in your love. So I am really trying to be that strong person. The boyfriend is an extremely positive person who is also extremely protective. So at least I now know my type.. and I hope to find someone similar in a year or so... with those qualities.

jillybean_75 · October 2013

I made that same mistake before. But in the whole process, I wasn't loving MYSELF. I wasn't caring for MYSELF. I didn't see the good in MYSELF. And when things in a relationship fall apart, I always thought "what did I do wrong?" Or, "why couldn't they love me?" or make whatever excuse. Half of the problem was them, but the other part was my OWN fault. I allowed them to make me feel that way. I allowed myself to feel unloveable. And let me tell you something, if they don't love you for who you are inside and out, now, or when you are 172 lbs, they don't love you at all.

I've still dated, but instead of trying to make something work because a guy shows interest in me when I am heavier, I'm doing much better with my picking because i see the value in MYSELF. My advice to you is to love yourself, take care of yourself and your kid(s) (I have a 7 year old boy myself), and if the right person comes along, they will come along.

Besides, don't they say love will find you when you stop looking for it?

Best of luck, and keep taking care of you!

Soccermavrick · October 2013

I am not trying to be mean, but there are reasons I say this. Until you accept yourself, and love yourself, how can you expect to find anyone else who will? (Anyone else who does not have a ton of baggage of their own, or is not really available, that is.) There are a ton of fish in the sea. But Self acceptance is huge. It is NOT easy, but you need to start with you.

I do not know what hormone you have, but a huge part of weight loss is mental. Yes hormones may play a part, and they might limit you a little, but I have not heard of too many that a truly determined person cannot overcome. (Maybe you are the exception, I do not know. I am not your Doctor. But if you look at most people failing on a diet, they all seem to have an excuse; no time, no money, injury, etc....) Are you willing to make the changes that you need to make? Eating the right food, right amounts, and getting the right excercise and rest that you need. Change is not easy.

And if you are not eating (which you mentioned) then your body maybe going into starvation mode meaning, your body is intentionly not burning calories. Each of us need a certain amount of calories.

I wish you luck. And you appear to be here and trying to take another step in the right direction. It may not be easy, but in my opinion, it is worth it.

lizdavis07 · October 2013

Wait minute...so he is your boyfriend....., or he isn't?

Too many red flags here.

Reza151 · October 2013

Wow MFP, I'm proud of how nice and actually HELPFUL these responses are. Usually these types of threads have trolls all over. OP, I can't stress enough how much everyone else is right:

WOrk on yourself first. I stopped dating about 2 or 3 months ago so i can focus on what i want from my life, since I was not happy with my life or myself. I was using guys for validation and any happiness i got from dating was "borrowed". Now, I've had more time to focus on myself: I finally started my application for grad school, I've been working on my Spanish every day (to be an interpreter), I have a more steady workout shcedule, and for the first time in well over a year, I'm happy for no reason whatsoever.

Trust me from experience: Once you start being happier with yourself, love will come afterwards. It's empowering! Feel free to message me or send me a friend request:)

gabbygirl78 · October 2013

sadly I can sympathize with you ... I hated being alone. I have had my heart broken so many times I lost count, each time making me weaker and more self conscious than the last. The greatest advice I received was the advice I hated the most to hear. I had to learn to be happy by myself before I could ever think about a lasting relationship with someone else. I was involved with men that just wanted to use me... They were married but "getting a divorce" that never made progress... Stop torturing yourself and put "relationships" on the back burner and think about you for a while. Stop chasing and get yourself right then be chased for a change. Being single isn't so bad. I'm still flying solo lol... You have to find your self worth! Then and only then will you be happy and maybe find someone that is worth your time. But focus on YOU for now. Good luck to you and I hope you find that love with in yourself. :flowerforyou:

Jziller · October 2013

You know that saying, you must love yourself before anyone can really love you, it’s true! You really need to look at yourself and know that you are BEAUTIFUL and WORTH IT. You don’t need a man to tell you that. I was married before, it didn't end well and my self-esteem was destroyed by the end of the marriage. I had to take a really hard look at what I wanted out of life and what I deserved. I went to therapist and she really helped. I didn’t realize how much I was really bottling up. I strongly suggest you see one. It doesn't mean you’re crazy just because you do but you'll be able to get a lot off your chest. Get rid of the self-doubt that is weighing you down. I also made a list of what I wanted out of my self and what I wanted out of my partner. As I started dating guys again I would look at my list and if they didn’t meet the standards than I forgot about them because in the end I knew they wouldn’t make me happy. Now it wasn’t a high standards list but a list of what I deserved. A man that would treat me right, A man that wouldn’t call me names, A man who would put me at the top of list every time. There were a few more things on the list but you get my drift. It was a list of what I deserved. I wasn’t going to settle for Mr. Wrong again.

I met my current husband on an online dating site. He is amazing!! I actually gained weight between the time of my divorce and when I met my prince! He loves all of me!! All my 200 lbs! There are great men out there, I promise you but you have to love yourself first.

I also just finished reading a book called “When food is Love” by Geneen Roth. It was very helpful, Maybe it could help you.

Jziller · October 2013

Also dump that Jerk forever. If you're not his number 1 now, you will never be.

Koldnomore · October 2013

If you have hormonal issues I would suggest seeing a doctor and working with a dietitian to develop a program for you. There are a lot of 'red flags' in your posts. First and foremost you say that you have to work out hard and not eat to lose weight. This is neither healthy nor sustainable and will only cause more issues. If you really have a medical condition then you need medical supervision for weight loss.

As for a relationship.. forget it. You are not ready, you have too many issues and too much baggage. As someone said earlier.. You need to take care of you and your kids. I met my current boyfriend when I was almost 230 lbs. He loves me unconditionally and always has so that excuse doesn't work. Finding a relationship has nothing to do with your weight..Its 100% mental. If you are confidant and take care of yourself, dress for your size, have a good attitude and a positive outlook someone WILL find you attractive though it may not be the first guy who has shown you any kindness. Work on you and the rest will come.

jwalling1221 · October 2013

I've never replied on a forum before, but the heartache in your words compels me to interject. First let me say that confidence in yourself is MANDATORY for attracting consistent attention from men. I know I'm breaking "man law" here, but men only tend to chase woman who seem desperate because they appear to be an easy target for sex and they are easy to keep on the hook.

Find confidence in who you are. You are RIGHT NOW perfect. Everyday in everyway you need to see that. The same reason woman think they are all fat in high school, yet look back at those pictures wishing they were that skinny is the same way woman look at themselves at any given moment during everyday life. When a woman loses 15 pounds she feels so excited about her appearance and she exudes confidence. It is this confidence that attracts us, not the weight lost. I SWEAR THIS TO BE TRUE.

One of the most beautiful woman on TV is the fluffy blond haired chef from "Secrets of a Restaurant Chef" Anne Burrell. She may be approaching 190 pounds give or take what TV adds, but her confidence and personality are so addictive that I find her irresistible. This law of human attraction is true for everyone in some form or another.

Love is an addiction like food or tobacco that goes away as soon as you quit giving it power over you.

My advice, forget the married guy. Find beauty in that mirror of yours. Forget TV unless its recorded so that you can skip commercials and all of those food and beauty ads that subconsciously give us delusional views of what we are supposed to look like and make us more likely to eat out of habit.

Find that piece of yourself that you are proud of and keep adding more positive pieces to your self esteem from there. You are the judge of your happiness and you control how other people view you by how you view yourself.

Heartbreak sucks. Feeling alone and without direction sucks. Loving the wrong man sucks. When you find that man that puts a Band-aide on the part of your soul that makes you feel wounded, the man that completes you, it wont be a man that makes you feel insecure or is full of excuses.

Forgive me if I offended anyone, my intent was pure and real.

Good luck.

Jordan

Sporteee · October 2013

Not any more.. no.. right now.. he is not my boyfriend. He is my ex boyfriend who may may never deal with finalizing his divorce...he offered her half, she refused and wants more than half. And so they are not dealing with it. I am not waiting. He will need a couple of years to heal and should have told me the whole scoop from the beginning instead of months down the road.

TX_Rhon · October 2013

Not any more.. no.. right now.. he is not my boyfriend. He is my ex boyfriend who may may never deal with finalizing his divorce...he offered her half, she refused and wants more than half. And so they are not dealing with it. I am not waiting. He will need a couple of years to heal and should have told me the whole scoop from the beginning instead of months down the road.

He offered her this........she said that..........Sweetie, you are getting only his side of the story. Boys sometimes lie!

You deserve fror someone to treat you like his #1 - not his #1maybe or his #1until!!!

Good luck :flowerforyou:

heatherlas · October 2013

You totally need to focus on yourself. You need to like and love yourself before anyone else does. And you need to know that IT IS OK TO BE SINGLE. You do not need a man in your life to show that you have a good life. Learn to live and respect yourself an not think about trying to hook up with someone. Find activities and hobbies and goals that keep you interested.

Sporteee · October 2013

I see doctors for the hormonal issues already.. it is a very common disorder. The medicine is very expensive. So that is a problem.
I am on a bio-identical thyroid because synthetic does not work for me, and d-chiro-inositol. When I am even 20 pounds overweight I get male pattern hair problems, etc...and the weight is predominantly in the middle like a man... so it is clearly a hormonal cycle. When I am at a reasonable weight, like 172.... some of the hormonal masculinizing symptoms lessen and I have more energy... but I had nearly 70 extra pounds that would not budge until I got on both of these supplements and I worked out like crazy. So yes it is very definitely partially hormonal and there is no magic pill without extreme exercise it absolutely does not work... I accept that.. a lot of people have similar problems because insulin resistance has its related effects. If these symptoms sound familiar to you women of childbearing age you can check out the soulcysters website for more information.

Sporteee · October 2013

Also dump that Jerk forever. If you're not his number 1 now, you will never be.

Yes.. i know.... I know work is his number 1.. and that is very likely why his stbx has not spoken a word to him in years. He is terrific when he is right in front of me... but the rest of the time he is an adrenaline junkie who is literally responding to emergencies and he is really some kind of hero to the community.. but he sucks as a boyfriend and just does not put the time into most of life outside of work. And.. his whole department is like that.. it is reinforced... when he says he has an emergency at work, he really does and it is probably going to be on the news eventually... first responders... it is a rough life. I have empathy for his stbx ... even though she went cold over 10 years ago.. I am sure, very sure his job came first and she felt abandoned. You have all heard it.. a lot of the people who serve our country and community have severe stress on their family lives. So I do not even blame her for having a boyfriend and all the stuff she did... I am sure it started with him always putting the job before her.

missdibs1 · October 2013

Before I even completed paragraph 1 of your tale, I said to myself, that man is married. Voila I was correct. You cannot consider someone who does not make you a priority (booty calls) your bf/potential life partner.

You need to acknowledge your naivitee. If you don't, this may happen again.

Your story indicates that your current weight is a point of distress. Focus on that then. Go to a gym/outside/move around and smile!

Sporteee · October 2013

Before I even completed paragraph 1 of your tale, I said to myself, that man is married. Voila I was correct. You cannot consider someone who does not make you a priority (booty calls) your bf/potential life partner.

You need to acknowledge your naivitee. If you don't, this may happen again.

Your story indicates that your current weight is a point of distress. Focus on that then. Go to a gym/outside/move around and smile!

Yes.. absolutely... I am naive.. I get outside, I coach sports, I am involved with the children's activities, I smile. I am kind and self aware.. but I have always been too trusting, naive and I was terribly taken advantage of by my narcissistic ex husband and I am too forgiving and working on it in therapy, reading books etc. I feel like I should ask to see the divorce papers next time.. but I know that is ridiculous. But no way am I ever going to invite a man into my life again when I have not seen his house, met his friends and probably paid for one of those database search programs to to see if he is married or what. I do know a lot of people who really did file for divorce and their ex fought over the house and money for many, many years. It does happen. I just had no clue she would drop in and out of his house whenever she did not get along with her boyfriend.. or whatever the heck is going on... so she technically still has a key and is totally unpredictable about if she will be at her boyfriend's house or if she will be at the house she has been asked to leave, but she co-owns it and refuses .. so he can only get her out if the judge makes her go.. and that is expensive, that means missing work, that means pissing off his grown children ... he is the only one who can make that happen and I do not want in the middle of it. I don't want to even hear about it if her boyfriend wants his house but cannot afford it .. or whatever the problem is.. with her. I hope to never meet her. I am sorry for his drama... but I really thought he was free and he is really in a mess. I am legally free.. but I am really in a mess because my ex is a stalker. But... I am not causing it.

"Boyfriend Problems" but still need to lose weight

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