"Boyfriend Problems" but still need to lose weight

Thanks, I admire that you all seem to be good at moving on.

All of these "thiings" you are listing, while tragic/influential/true, are cyclic.

Really read what you have written. To me, an outsider, it is a list of triggers/distractions.

Try this:

Set a daily goal (n'importe quoi) and a long term goal.

Achieve them/empower yourself.

Start small! Dream big!
[/quote]
Forgive me, this is long...

Thank you all for not flaming me and calling me names and all the other crap people do online sometimes.
I need a few big brothers and big sisters to encourage and point out steps for me. So yes... I am laying it out there. I need steps to look for next time. Steps to process grief. Steps to not get involved sexually before the guy has proven more things. Because yes I know I cannot handle another sexual encounter with a man who is not ready to really honestly pursue a life with a woman (either married or living together, fully committed.) I hate to even mention living together, I am that conservative about relationships, but it is the reality of life if the ex won't pay for the children's college if I ever get married.. that i have to possibly accept something that is truthfully against my beliefs just because I am forced to by divorce laws unless I remarry some kind of millionaire.. this first responder is just a regular guy.. "from the wrong side of the tracks".. not a millionaire and I am not in any way pursuing wealth. I want true companionship and fun for life with someone who is easygoing and a joy. It is not about money at all.

I appreciate the advice of you "outsiders" ... anonymous friends. Really I do.
I have a very busy life with many short and long term goals. I am a very high achiever. I have a great degree of success in many areas of life which I will not detail because I like to be anonymous.

But absolutely I have been too trusting and too naive with men. I do not know how to bring the idea of goals into the relationship realm at all.. other than I have to sit on my hands much longer and somehow force myself to be much more sure of a man before I let my heart out next time. I have never been good at that. I would appreciate tips. I am very passionate and it is very hard for me to wait more than 2 months for sex especially after not getting any for more than a decade of marriage. But at this point I think I literally have spent more time crying or being depressed over this guy than I have ever spent in bed with him. And.. I had more bed time with him in a few months than I did with my ex husband in more than a decade and a half .. so that tells you how very little I have had any intimacy in my life since before G.W. Bush was president. But I am very bad with heartbreak and very bad with casual sex.. it is not for me.

In business I am a negotiator and firm. I was very close to my father and I am very used to being a confidante and best friend of a man. I also have only been dumped once in my life and that was high school... then the guy came begging me back years later. So... I just have not much experience with men in relationships, I have a ton of male friends. I am very sporty and I coach so I am very well integrated into the men that watch and play sports world. I had a few long term relationships and a very long term marriage that was with someone I later learned is has narcissistic personality disorder. After his temper tantrums became unbearable, years after he hit me, he hit my child so I dumped him. I am overly loyal in male female relationships. In co-dependents anonymous they call it a "compliance pattern". It is typical of children who had to take care of alcoholic parents. So I am intellectually aware of most of my issues but I have trouble dealing with the deep pain.

The deep pain causes stress that makes injuries (pre-existing from a serious assault) act up, makes it difficult to work out and the whole weight, stress hormone thing can snowball. So I have to get really tough with myself and not allow myself to cry and cry.
This is hard for me. I do not understand emotionally that anyone would deceive me that has been close to me even though I have years of hard evidence that my ex husband used me for money and is now trying to punish me because when I dumped him he no longer can use my family for money that he feels entitled to (classic narcissist). That is where I would say you called it right that naivete with men is a kind of stronghold with me. I do not know how to break it and not be one of the bitter man hater types. I love men, I have great fun joking with men. I work with men. I am not a man hater. I don't know why the naivete is a stronghold and I do fear being bitter and not wiling to trust. It is a polly anna kind of all you need is love streak. Like I am a tough person in business but I am a preschool teacher, always sunny in a relationship. I know .. you are hearing that horrible Stand by your Man song by Tammy Wynette as he beats the crap out of her. Kind of. Yes your comments about how to take this step by step with men and how to be firm when you want sex and it is not yet time.... all of that... is welcome... because I have to beat this and not repeat this. My kids need a strong mom who only has the healthiest most respectful and funloving relationship to model to them... I cannot change that they are going to spend hours with a bully control freak Dad.

So .. I am trying to learn how to process grief ... another loss after many years of some pretty bad losses I will not detail but .. some people have said they have no idea how I have survived with a sense of humor after so much injustice and so many lies told by my ex husband. There are a lot of true stories that echo the same themes, where the abusers when found out go on the warpath and try to ruin your life.. in all areas. So I have been through so much. And I was a total fool and take total responsibility for believing the bullstuff when my ex husband said don't call the cops on me it will ruin our business and I won't be able to work again. I should have called the cops on him. At least 3 times I did not do that and my entire life has been turned upside down as he tried to make me look like the bad guy because I did not protect myself by getting a police record when he was violent.
But that is stuff I hear every week in the domestic violence recovery group, so I do not think I will ever fall for a control freak again, or even believe one.

The recent boyfriend is normal and stable.. just in a divorce mess. Not any kind of high drama.. but he is avoiding dealing with his divorce. I cannot live in limbo.

My greatest joy of late and the least stress and the most fun I have had in a few years was spending time with this very easygoing man. I love him.

I recognize now that he is in the middle of his own couple of crisisis. I cannot expect him to act normal or even always consider my point of view or needs. So that is my own fault .. for not recognizing that he is not capable of meeting my needs when he is in a divorce. I knew he was in a divorce, but I thought she had moved out and was living with her boyfriend all the time. I did not know she really comes and goes without warning so much that he cannot live a life with any privacy in his own home.

I did not share much of his personal situation because of his privacy. However.. when I dumped him in August when finding out his wife still comes and goes in the house even though he filed for divorce... I thought he lied to me by not telling me she was still there, still had a key and a room. He came back and swore to me he had always told the truth and somehow we miscommunicated. He was very convincing. So if I am to believe him.. then obviously the bottom line is still the same.. he is not in the least bit ready for a relationship, he has to finish his divorce. I am very upset that he did not communicate clearly .. but I think I am also mad that he does not know what he wants. I should have more compassion, but also be very firm to realize he is just too confused right now to know what he wants and I should leave him alone.

If he comes back in 2 years, great. I am very mad that he advertised himself as single, when he should have said "It's complicated". I am angry with myself for not waiting and testing him longer and asking more questions.. but mostly insisting on a few things. Like.. make him show me his house before getting physical. If I had done that.. I would have seen.. this is not a man with a bunch of boxes in the corner like someone is moving.. this a a man in the middle of a fight where they both want the house and neither are budging.

So.. his ordeal may be a long one. He would be a terrible boyfriend during that time .... and I don't want to be on the receiving end of that. I do believe it is definitely over emotionally with the wife and has been over for more than 15 years. But.. since he put up with it for so long... and lived with her after she declared she does not love him.. for so long "for the children" (who are now 30)... then I do not believe he necessarily has the guts to force the issue and either force her out or move out himself and I think they may co-exist in the state of the roommate I avoid forever. That is not okay with me. He had 5 months where he could have described this problem to me and did not. I took that as a major deception. He insists he told me... my memory is better than that.. but he did have a conversation where he was very nervous and mumbling that I did not understand at all 5 months ago.. so I can only assume if he is telling the truth.. that is when he was telling me the details I did not hear.
Then.. I proceeded to let red flags slide for months myself because we were having a fun, easygoing relationship and it was a great joy. He also had a grown child living with him who has a child .. so his grandkids were an excuse for me not to be over there. I regret not insisting or walking earlier before I really became bonded to him.

So I am trying to remind myself again and again that he would be a horrible boyfriend right now and he is years away from being ready. I am trying to not be so mad about it as realize that he is confused and did not articulate what he wants. Although he has
the ability to speak clearly after he is calm and gets to know you, he did used to stutter and he tends to really swallow his words when he is nervous. At the beginning... I did miss a few things.. I did not press him on it.. because I was trying to be light and not press him. I did not ever suspect it would be something as important as my stbx wife sometimes still lives at my house even though I made an offer to buy her out and asked her to leave, but she won't accept the offer or leave because she wants me to give her the whole house.

I just did not hear it. I do not think it was a deliberate lie or a deliberate betrayal anymore. He is deeply sorry we misunderstood each other. And he is doing the classic man flip flop pull back where he comes close and then runs away.. because he was not expecting to meet someone special and he apparently cannot handle it or accept it.

I know I deserve someone who is not flip flopping, is ready to appreciate me and who knows what he wants in life. I have very very clear goals and I articulate them and they have not changed since I was 22.

But this week I cry for a couple of reasons... I miss him and I cannot believe he actually could even consider that I would in any way entertain a casual meantime relationship. I have so clearly said what I am looking for and I am just not in the least bit the type to have a fling. I have little kids at home it is totally obvious I am in PTA mom mode and get my business kickstarted after a huge battle over it in divorce. I am very insulted and I have to figure out how to re-package that in my mind.

I would welcome suggestions on how to self talk when you feel misunderstood and disrespected by someone you love.

I do not in the least expect him to go from divorce confusion to love in the next few months now that I know what a mess he is in the middle of. But I do expect him to treat me with the respect to treat someone he may consider as a long term partner in the future and not play with my heart. He says a lot of very loving things that confuse me.

So timing is just terribly wrong, I do not trust him to follow through because I have seen an avoidant pattern that I am not even sure he understands would really distress me. And that is part of what makes me mad...

I need help not feeling insulted, dumped, and abandoned.. when I know emotionally he feels close and wants to be with me but practically it will not work this year or next until he moves his own mountains. I see him avoiding the mountain.