Should I really be this upset, or am I just overreacting?

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Cytherea
Cytherea Posts: 515 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I'm pretty laid back. It takes a lot to get me upset. I've had plenty of friends tell me that they can't tell a difference since I've lost weight and it doesn't affect me at all- heck, I can't even see it myself most of the time! So why would I be upset with them for being honest? Obviously I'm not. I have this one friend, my best friend, who knows that I've been trying to lose weight and has always been supportive even though she can't see it. She even told me the last time that I saw her (a few weeks ago) that's she's horrible at judging weight in general and horrible at seeing things like weight loss in general, and she hates it when people ask her "do I look different?!" and she doesn't have an answer. One of her co-workers does this to her all the time, expecting her to realize when he's lost 5 lbs. or has been working out really hard to get more fit, and he gets upset that she can't notice those differences and it drives her crazy. (I've never done this to her, btw!!)

So when I was visiting in August, we went and saw some of our college professors. I expected at least one of them to notice (since one of them noticed when another friend of ours lost a lot of weight a few years ago) but he didn't. I still didn't get upset. I was a tiny bit offended, ok, but it didn't bother me too much.

The other night, my best friend saw one of our profs again (not the one I expected to notice). When I asked her how he was, her response was: "Oh my gosh he lost SO much weight! He looks AWESOME!!!!"

I was really taken aback by it. We saw him less than 2 months ago. How much weight could he have POSSIBLY lost in that short of a time?! I've lost almost 50 lbs. and she hasn't noticed. And she probably would be the best judge- I see her more often than any other family/friends, but once every few months so there is still a noticeable difference in weight loss between the times we see each other. I saw her in January before I started losing, at the highest weight of my life. I saw her in March- I had lost about 10 or so lbs. I saw her again in August- I had lost 35 lbs (putting me at a lower weight than I had met her at). And I just saw her again a few weeks ago, at the end of September- I had lost 45 lbs.

Even if it is somehow possible (albeit unhealthy and highly improbable) that our prof has lost the same amount of weight as I have worked my butt off to lose these past 10 months in 2 months, how is it that she noticed with him and not with me????

I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting, but this was the first time since I've started this whole journey that I've really gotten upset and offended by something someone said. I don't care if people don't notice or can't tell the difference, but this just really shocked me.
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Replies

  • JDMPWR
    JDMPWR Posts: 1,863 Member
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    Let it go. Are you losing for you or for them? Do you need the attention?
  • Ms_Natalie
    Ms_Natalie Posts: 1,030 Member
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    I honestly think there may be a little jealousy involved...it doesn't make your friend a bad person at all though, that's not what I'm implying!

    Of course there will be a big difference in your size now...47lbs is a huge amount of weight to lose. My friend has hardly commented on my weight loss either even though most other people have said something. Some people, especially men, don't really take note of people's sizes, so I wouldn't get offended by this.

    Remember, you are doing this for you!! Nobody else...if you'd like to see the TRUE difference, get two photos, a recent one and an old one and check out the differences yourself!

    Better still...stick them on here...the positive responses will keep that motivation high!

    Keep going...you're doing fantastically :flowerforyou:
  • purplenut
    purplenut Posts: 36
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    I understand how you feel but you are doing this for you and you need to worry about how you feel and look to yourself not what others see or feel about you.
  • superwmn
    superwmn Posts: 936
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    You're not over reacting. You feel how you feel.

    I started at 230 and NO ONE noticed until I lost nearly 60 lbs. THAT said, for the first time in my life I didn't need anyone to notice. I noticed and how I feel about me is all that matters.

    You look amazing! You're doing so great! YOU know how successful you are. Your opinion of yourself is the ONLY THING that will lead to success long term.

    Charmagne
  • Desiree219
    Desiree219 Posts: 28
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    Is it possible that your friend has some insecurities about her own body that make it difficult for her to admit that you are making a change in your life? I have a friend who has lost 40 pounds, but one of our co-workers has told her that she can't see a change at all, which is absolutely ridiculous! She's lost 40 freaking pounds! Of COURSE there's a difference!

    I do agree with the above poster though...you are doing this for YOU, right? Compliments are awesome, and it's great when people notice, but don't lose sight of why you're doing this in the first place.

    Good Luck :)
  • Kaye8395BTS
    Kaye8395BTS Posts: 159 Member
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    I understand, I've lost 70 lbs and get let down sometimes when people don't notice. JTurner is right in a sense, you are doing this for you and though it hurts when people don't notice your hard work (versus your new pant size) it will all be worth it in the end when you are healthy and happy!
  • pniana
    pniana Posts: 254 Member
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    Not to repeat what everyone is saying but you do need to do this for yourself ONLY. Forget everyone else. And there has to be some jealousy at play here. I looked at the pictures you have on here and there is a significant difference in how you looked before to how you look now. Keep going and don't let them get you down. You look fabulous!

    Plus, if you see your friend often, it is harder to notice than when a significant amount of time goes by. My husband lost a lot of weight and I didn't notice until 1. He gained it back and 2. I saw a picture of him at his thinnest, after he gained it all back! Wish I'd noticed it then!!

    Keep up your journey. You are healthier for it!
  • chgudnitz
    chgudnitz Posts: 4,079
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    Some people lose weight in places that are very obvious, like their face. Other people lose weight in other places that are normally (for heavy people) covered with baggy clothing... Maybe, just maybe, his is more noticeable? I'd say to let it go. What good will come from being mad at your friend? None at all...
  • suzikelley
    suzikelley Posts: 210 Member
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    Well, I just went to your profile page and saw your before and after pictures and I TOTALLY NOTICE A HUGE DIFFERENCE!! You are lookin' fabulous!! Your bff must be blind if she doesn't notice. Even though yes, you're doing this for yourself - it's nice to hear words of encouragement... and I have to admit, I'd be a little ticked. I don't think you're over reacting... how you feel is how you feel, period. But just don't let it discourage you from keeping your eye on the prize! You're halfway to your goal, and you are so much smaller than when you started! Congratulations on such a significant weight loss!! You're rockin it! :-)
  • photo_kyla
    photo_kyla Posts: 322 Member
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    Part of it may also be the fact that she is your good friend, that she doesn't look for your outward appearance.

    I lost weight pretty drastically a few years ago (40lbs/6mos) and I had a good friend who never commented on it once until we were looking at some old photos. There was a picture of me before I lost weight (about the same weight as when we met) and he couldn't believe it was me. He said "this isn't you, I never knew you when you looked like this." While I did feel the need to point out that yes, it was me and don't I look better now; it also showed me that since we were such good friends, he simple didn't see the weight. It's a great feeling when I used to feel that my weight was the only thing people noticed about me.
  • ♥_Ellybean_♥
    ♥_Ellybean_♥ Posts: 1,646 Member
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    This is your best friend, so she doesn't see you for your weight, she see's you as YOU... so even if you would lose 100lbs you would still just be "George" because she is looking at you with special glasses.... My Sister N Law and Brother happen to be my husband's and my best friends... and my husband has lost 100lbs.. but they just see him as Joe.. when I talked to my SIL I asked her.. did you see how much Joe lost.. and she said to me "Honestly he is just Joe.. I have no clue how he looked before.. he is just Joe".. and that's because they see us for who we are... not what we are!

    I have lost 30lbs and no one from work has even noticed... not one person! ... Ofcourse they see me everyday... so I take this into consideration.

    But I know when I look at my pictures now, versus then I CAN SEE THE DIFFERENCE...So I understand about your frustration... but don't take it to heart, your doing this for you, not them!
  • khk2010
    khk2010 Posts: 451 Member
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    I also think it is really weird that so many people don't notice or comment on weight loss. I've lost 43 pounds and am experiencing the same thing. Last week I saw my extended family and they didn't say a word. Not one.

    But when I gained all this weight they never said, "Hey you look like you've gained a lot of weight!" So with that perspective I've decided that it is OK that they don't say anything when I've lost 40!
  • twnzmom
    twnzmom Posts: 182 Member
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    Try not to let them upset you. You are the one that counts. You have done an amazing job, 47 pounds is noticeable whether they are telling your or not. Some people just cannot pay other people compliments. You don't need theirs, the scale and your mirror is telling you what a great job you are doing. You will get to your goal and it will mean so much to you that you did this not your friends!! Don't be sad, be glad you are 47 lbs lighter than before and they will see you thinner. Have a better day.
  • ArchyJill
    ArchyJill Posts: 548 Member
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    Maybe she's just got the hots for him? Sounds trite, I know, but it would make more sense...especially if she was gushing about how wonderous he was :laugh:
  • brookejoye
    brookejoye Posts: 27
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    WelL I want to tell you something your friend should be telling you: Congrats on your weight loss! 50 pounds is a MAJOR loss and you did it! And you will keep doing it! Way to go and way to be an inspiration to all of us on this site!
  • tatiana_13
    tatiana_13 Posts: 325
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    You never know what motivates some people. There may be jealousy...or in some cases (not your best friend, but professors), tact. Commenting on the way some one looks is considered unprofessional in some circles. I've lost almost 60 pounds (and I'm under 5 ft, so this was almost half of me--cannot be missed~), and most people in the office never said a thing. And most of my classmates didn't say a thing either. Its funny...the more you lose, the less people are likely to say anything...because somehow, they may think they're implying "...and, you were really fat before...and boy did we ever notice that!". I notice that the people who never said a word when I lost 50 lbs, now comment when I lose like 5 lbs...or lose nothing but just wear better fitting clothes! Go figure. But if it makes you feel any better...a few of them are probably talking about it when you aren't there (have you seen her lately? She looks great!).

    As for your best friend, just don't expect her to be your source of weight loss feedback. Be compassionate that whatever her reasons, noticing your weight loss and giving you positive feedback isn't something she is able to do right now. Just be satisfied that in matters not related to your weight, she is a good friend. And sometimes, losing weight makes us a little obsessive. We often have to be to change bad habits and keep them changed. So maybe, you are asking her to be as into your weight loss as you are, and that's just not going to be possible. Keep the weight loss conversations for others who are going through the same thing you are...like those of us on MFP!
  • leateix
    leateix Posts: 2
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    Of course you are upset....you have worked damn hard to get yourself where you are and you want some recognition for it! It does hurt when people in your life don't acknowledge that. I found alot of people noticed when I lost weight, but there were some that didn't and it made me wonder why. I believe some people are either jealous of it or they are afraid that the weight loss has or will make you a different person than you were prior to. It does change us, it gives us more confidence, and I think , as I said before, some folks are either jealous or fearful in some way of our new found confidence and kick in our step! Be proud of your accomplishments and don't let these upsets set you back!!! Keep moving forward!!!!
  • mymelody_78
    mymelody_78 Posts: 657 Member
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    From the photos on your profile, it looks like you have changed a lot! Good job and keep it up. It is hard for people that are close to you and see you all the time to see a difference because it is just a small change every time. If they saw some before and after photos, I am sure that it would be totally noticible. You are doing great =)
  • lyn54
    lyn54 Posts: 415
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    :bigsmile: I believe there is truth and good advice in all these postings. I may be one of the oldest to post so using years in "this business," I endorse all the adivce. You will find in losing all this weight, that you are focused on it but others probably aren't, even friends,family and co-workers have jealousy from time to time...(they are human). When people make mistakes in their relationship with you, you can't keep from having "reaction feelings" but remember if they are true friends and family, they allow for you too.
    I agree, weight loss is about goals to make you happy, healthy and living a long life. THAT is most important. That is why this is a good site to be on. (I am discovering this, too) People on here, the majority of them, have had issues that we all experience at one time or another.
    Build your self-esteem on what you think and that's okay to have self confidence. Weight loss or size doesn't make self confidence. I have had friends who were overweight that come across to both sexes as sexy and when you are with them you don't "see" the weight. You see whatever it is that makes them that way. Their personality or body parts or the way they dress..etc..
    It's sad to me that beauty is gauged by whether you are a size 1,2 or whatever...Honey, I won't ever be a size 1 or 2 and have no desire to be...I am 5'2" and just want to be back into a small 10 or 8. That is small to me...and that is all that matters.
    Good Luck !!:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
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    This is my opinion. SOME people have a hard time complimenting weight loss (i'm one of them) & the reason for that is. I'm always wondering if when I say "wow you've lost weight" or something along those lines, if THEY are perceiving it the way I mean. Some people don't take that as a compliment. Some people may be offended by talking about their weight in general. Maybe these people are just worried about how you will react, or if you will think that by them making comments they thought you should/needed to etc.

    Talking about weight is TOUGH! because you never know how a person will feel about having it be brought up etc.

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