Parenting advice from strangers

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  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    Daughter in question is a freshman.

    First thought she's too young, but then I remembered my Mom let me go to a party like this in the 6th grade and it was a good experience.

    What's up with charging admission?

    I say let her go Mom. Of course there are stipulations she has a curfew, you take her there, and you pick her up. If there is alcohol she is to call you, and if she has any problems call. I'd talk to the parents too.

    You can be a little spy Mom and kind of pull the car around the block but then turn it around and just watch the front see who is going in and out.

    It high school she has to have these social interactions. As long as she stays away from the alcohol and keeps her head on her shoulder she'll be fine.
  • teresamwhite
    teresamwhite Posts: 947 Member
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    My advice?

    1. They've committed one crime that they've gotten away with, what's to say they won't commit others? (with your daughter this time?)
    2. I would not put my daughter into a position to be bullied
    3. It’s not basically a school dance. The school has no control over this function. The parents of these boys do. And if the boys’ behavior is any indication of their parent’s behavior/morals...that’s scary.
    4. I wouldn’t want her to find out who they are or have anything to do with them because of this party.
    5. I would not let her go. It’s not about condoning the kid’s behavior or not, it’s about protecting your daughter and not putting her in a situation where she may be exposed to more than she needs to be exposed to.

    This precisely.
  • dem_bonez
    dem_bonez Posts: 22
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    Which age do you feel is a good one to begin trusting your children to make sound decisions?
  • AbbeyDove
    AbbeyDove Posts: 317 Member
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    Ok, I'm a high school teacher--I'll admit to this upfront.

    A group of kids with permissive parents who have already committed some kind of crime are rather likely to commit another kind of crime, right? How likely are there to be alcohol and other drugs present? And what was the crime? If they're willing to really damage, humiliate and harm other kids, then no, I wouldn't let her go. It kinda sounds like they are.

    BTW, if she were 16, I might let her decide, and make her text you a few times during the night. But 14 is young, closer to a kid (for most, unless your daughter is really exceptional) than to an adult.
  • mathjulz
    mathjulz Posts: 5,514 Member
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    Which age do you feel is a good one to begin trusting your children to make sound decisions?

    Not sure if you're challenging the advice people gave to keep her home or not, but since this point has been raised a couple of times, here is as good a place as any to address my opinion.

    In the field of Human Development there is something knows as the zone of proximal development (introduced by Zygotsky), also known as scaffolding. Basically, there is a level where a child (or teen) can make decisions or perform a task on their own, a level where they can do it with the assistance of a more experienced person (mom & dad in this case) and a point where it is beyond their ability even with help. The best learning and progression occurs when the child is in the zone where it is too challenging to do all on their own, but have appropriate support. Support starts out heavy, and as the child learns to do the task on their own, is gradually removed (like a scaffold on a building)

    I think this situation is a perfect teaching moment. At 15 (typical freshman age), most teens are learning how to make wise decisions regarding parties, friends, drinking, drugs, sex, and peer pressure. They are in this zone of proximal development, where they need support in making wise decisions. Many are still needing a LOT of help from parents. If this is the first time such a situation has come up, she needs a lot of help in deciding whether it's appropriate or safe for her to be there - and because she's still learning she's in a position to be more susceptible to peer pressure (and more vulnerable to predatory behavior of older, savvier kids). She needs parents to guide her and help her find healthy, safe alternatives.

    If she's encountered peer pressure before, and successfully stood by her morals/convictions, there's a better chance that letting her go would be ok. I personally wouldn't consider it a great chance, though. If she doesn't care about looking good in front of her classmates, and she really is aware of the bullying and criminal behavior, she probably won't want to go. Kids can be smart about that :wink:

    So to answer the question: I don't think it's a set age. There isn't a switch that flips at 14 or 16 or even 18 that means she can always make good decisions. It depends on how many chances she's had (with appropriate support) to learn how to make those decisions. The teen years are all about teaching kids these skills, and gradually stepping back and relinquishing the control to there. And that does take time.

    There is a reason, after all, why 18 is considered legal adult where 16 isn't.
  • hsmaldo
    hsmaldo Posts: 115 Member
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    I get that she is a good kid and you trust her to make good decisions. That's awesome and I don't doubt that she would live up to your expectations of doing the right thing and staying out of trouble.

    It's the other kids I don't trust. The upperclassmen with questionable morals. The ones I wouldn't put past slipping something into your daughter's drink and then taking advantage...and then denying it ever happened...and getting away with it.

    College students and twenty somethings are aware of it and it still happens to them...she's just a freshman...
  • MyOwnSunshine
    MyOwnSunshine Posts: 1,312 Member
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    Absolutely not.

    Have you not heard of the Steubenville and Maryville rape cases? Sounds like another one of these in the making to me.

    No.
  • stumblinthrulife
    stumblinthrulife Posts: 2,558 Member
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    Admission charge, and a semi-public 'guest list'?

    Sounds like an unregulated night club to me. Not a chance in hell.
  • mathjulz
    mathjulz Posts: 5,514 Member
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    Thank you all for sharing your opinions - you all sound a lot like me.
    A bit more information:

    1. My daughter is wise and makes good choices for a 14-year-old, and we have a great open relationship. However, she doesn't want to be the "only" kid not going.
    2. We've had a good talk about why I'm resistant, but she's a teen and doesn't really see it through a parent's eyes.
    3. You are right - if these parents pressured the school and victims into letting the charges drop, they probably aren't the best chaperones for a giant shindig full of teens.
    4. This decision sucks.

    I doubt she'll be the "only" kid not going. And having an alternative activity for her and some friends might lessen the sting a bit.

    I'm sure she doesn't understand through a parent's eyes. And you're right, this decision kind of does suck :tongue: But you really need to follow your gut on this one, and it sounds like your gut is saying don't let her go. She'll say you've ruined her life (you haven't), maybe even that she hates you (she doesn't really), and that you're the meanest parent ever (you aren't). But in the long run, I think she'll thank you. After all, she is wise and has a great, open relationship, and putting your foot down shouldn't be an end to that.

    Even if these parents were the best chaperones, it sounds like too many kids for the number of adults. I guess you could go as a chaperone and keep her out of trouble. But that would probably be more un-cool than her missing it! :wink:


    Anyway, from mom to mom, I want to send you hugs. This is the tough part of being a parent! I hope you can make the best decision for her, and feel good about it in the long run. :heart:
  • zorbaru
    zorbaru Posts: 1,077 Member
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    give her the choice but also offer an alternative that you think she might prefer. that way she will choose not to go and you will come out as a winner.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Absolutely not.

    Have you not heard of the Steubenville and Maryville rape cases? Sounds like another one of these in the making to me.

    No.
    I hav a friend who went to a similar party as a high school freshman. She was drugged and gang raped there.

    Yes, she's in high school and needs a little bit of independence. But she's still a child and she still needs guidance and protection. No way in the world would I allow this, I bet a lot of parents are saying no to their children and I wouldn't feel the list bit bad about it.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
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    Given what background information you've given about the children, I would question what the parents are like. I'm also curious as to their motives; why would you open your house up to an entire school of teenagers? Can two adults even be in control of that many teenagers?

    I'm not a parent but if it was my child there would be absolutely no way they'd be going. And she is still a child, a sensible one, perhaps, but still a child.

    I also highly doubt she will be the 'only' one not going, and I'm sure there are other parents that are saying no. Why don't you talk to the parents of your daughters friends and see if you can get them all together to do something else on this night instead? That way she won't feel like the only one and she will still be doing something enjoyable, rather than moping around at home wishing she was somewhere else.
  • mclgo
    mclgo Posts: 147 Member
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    In case you're curious here's our decision:

    "Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

    This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

    Thanks all!
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    In case you're curious here's our decision:

    "Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

    This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

    Thanks all!

    Youll have to let us know how she handled it. I think a girl's night and a movie with her buddies sounds like fun though.
  • stumblinthrulife
    stumblinthrulife Posts: 2,558 Member
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    In case you're curious here's our decision:

    "Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

    This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

    Thanks all!

    Sounds very reasonable. I hope it works out for you, and she respects your decision, even if she doesn't understand it.
  • mathjulz
    mathjulz Posts: 5,514 Member
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    In case you're curious here's our decision:

    "Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

    This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

    Thanks all!

    :drinker: :heart: :flowerforyou:

    I really like how you worded it!

    I hope she has fun with her own party at your house!
  • AbFabKat
    AbFabKat Posts: 16 Member
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    Absolutely not. From your description I do not believe this party would provide appropriate adult supervision for my child to attend. Especially if I do not know the parents hosting the party. No. Way. No. Day.
  • AbFabKat
    AbFabKat Posts: 16 Member
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    In case you're curious here's our decision:

    "Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

    This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

    Thanks all!

    This. Brilliant parenting! I love the fact that you are willing to offer an alternative to your daughter and her friends. Fantastic!!!
  • nena49659
    nena49659 Posts: 260 Member
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    In case you're curious here's our decision:

    "Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

    This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

    Thanks all!

    This. Brilliant parenting! I love the fact that you are willing to offer an alternative to your daughter and her friends. Fantastic!!!

    Fantastic. I truly believe you're making the right decision. Hold on to your hats, there will be more decisions like this to make. But, you are starting off on the right foot. Being a parent. Not a buddy.

    I tended to lean a little towards the buddy side on some things. There are regrets.
  • hsmaldo
    hsmaldo Posts: 115 Member
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    In case you're curious here's our decision:

    "Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

    This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

    Thanks all!

    I definitely think you are making the right decision. And you're right that it's okay for her to be upset...but from the sounds of your relationship, I don't think that it'll last too long...

    I hope it goes well and that she'll take you up on your offer!

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