Bingeing and I broke up. And had closure.

For a long time, bingeing was like this ex-boyfriend who used to treat me like crap but still managed to get me crawling back and begging for more.

You know what it’s like. You haven’t heard from him for a while and everything’s going well in your life.
And then, one morning out of nowhere, you get a phone call. He’s in town for a few hours and wants to have a drink, for old time’s sake.

He knows as well as you do that that drink is going to turn into a full-on making out session. At least. And you know he might even stay for a few days and jeopardize everything you’ve worked so hard to get right.
Even though everything in you is screaming : « AWFULLY BAD IDEA !!! », you entertain for a few minutes the thought about getting under the covers, one last time, and do really nasty things. And start fresh tomorrow, having gotten that out of your system.
Then, you shake it, remind yourself you’re a strong, independant women who doesn’t need to get stuck into this vortex again. And go on with your day thinking : « I won’t do that to myself again ».

Hours pass and you think about him from time to time but still strongly feel you won’t do it. You won’t even see him, not even call to say you won’t meet him. You’re done.

7pm : You’re out of work. Nothing special is planned for tonight. It’s cold outside. You had a bad day. You surrender to yourself and give him the call : « I’m coming ».
You can hear him smilling over the phone, he always knew you’d come. You’re the only one who believed in your own lie.
You order one drink, alcohol free so you stay on the safe side, and ask how he’s doing.
He’s doing perfect, looks hot and not so much of a bad idea anymore. Tomorrow is as good a day as today to do the right thing.
Now you’re together, you might as well have dinner… He used to be a big part of your life and you had some great moments back then…

Before you know it, you’re in bed doing everything you weren’t supposed to do, nor want. It’s hot, steamy, everything it was supposed to be. It’s also paving your way for selfloathing the next day.


Bingeing works its way into your life the same way. You start thinking about one safe cookie, as a treat. Then you shake it, thinking : « I won’t do that to myself. I’m going to work out instead. I’m on the right path. »

All day long, you feel strong and confident. You won’t cave in. You think about it a lot but it’s not painful. It just won’t happen. You think about it, all the time actually but it won’t happen. You’re THAT strong.

7pm : You’re out of work. Nothing special is planned for tonight. It’s cold outside. You had a bad day. You surrender to yourself and get into your favorite deli to buy ONE tiny cookie. That you deserve and can have cause you’re strong and confident and will be able to keep it at that.

You buy an actual BOX of cookies because you’re strong and confident and will be able to eat one each day, not more.

Since you’re here, you might as well buy everything you need in case of friends coming over, unannounced. You want to be a good hostess. And your loved ones shouldn’t feel deprived just because you’re on a diet. So you load your shopping bags. For your friends.

Actually, before you know it, you ate the cookie and all its siblings, you’re in bed with Ben & Jerry’s, eating Nutella on top of cheesecake while bacon and bread are waiting on the side. All in an enormous food orgie that you don’t know if you can or even want to stop. It’s so awesome all that creamy, sweet food !
After all, the sun is going to rise tomorrow and it’s going to be a good time to start over.
Cue to selfloathing, you know it, it’s going to be painful. So, at least, let’s make the pain worth it and stuff yourself some more.

AND THEN, SOMEDAY :

It just happens without warning. CLOSURE.

Ex-boyfriend calls. You want to go. You entertain the idea all day long. You want him. It was hot and perfect the last time. Maybe even worth the few bad days that followed. You survived it, after all. It’going to be fun and you’ll move on. You’ve got this.

7pm : You’re out of work. Nothing special is planned for tonight. It’s cold outside. You had a bad day. And guess what, you don’t want to go. You thought about it all day long. It was exciting and you just don’t want to go, now that it’s time.
You don’t give him a call, you let him hang where he is, by himself. You have better things to do.
….
You want to eat. You plan it all day long : « that’s what I’m going to eat, in bed while watching that movie and it’s going to be perfect ». You think about it, it helps you go through your day.

7pm : You’re out of work. Nothing special is planned for tonight. It’s cold outside. You had a bad day.
You go home and your body is craving healthy food. Stuffing yourself is just not worth it anymore. You don't want the hot fudge sunday. You want tomatoes and chicken and exercise. You want the way you feel in the long run, not the peak of excitment you'd get.

After years and years of making the wrong choices, you got closure. Out of nowhere. No amazing sex with ex-a**hole and no food orgie is not a sacrifice anymore. It's just what you want.