Depression = Weight = Depression = Weight.. It's a cycle

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ceeje
ceeje Posts: 20 Member
in Motivation and Support
My weight is an obvious external identifier of how I feel about myself. For years I've struggled with depression going in and out of bouts. I grew up with my mother being a manic depressant and I hated it. Yes I know it a chemical imbalance of serotonin in the brain but I always would say bull****. You have a choice to either stay depressed or snap out of it. The longest time I've ever been depressed was 3 months. I stayed away from work and lied to my boyfriend that I went on certain days. sometimes I would go to the movies from show to show so he thought that I went but I didn't want to be bothered with no one. I didn't get out of bed for days even weeks at a time. It was horrible and a time in my life that I am ashamed of.

In earlier episodes of depression it would last 2-3 days at most and I would slowly get back up on my feet and be well again. Well now that I'm older I've learned to control it (no medications) I have to remind myself of what I can do and how it is a choice to either lay in the bed and let my life pass me by one day at a time or get up and feel the sun and wind on my face. I've learned to choose the latter option as I've gotten older.

Now a responsible woman I learned that the way I feel about myself on the outside has directly impacted the way I look on the outside. I used to be small of 135 lbs and even then it's funny that I thought that I was fat. WTF? I looked damn good on the outside. But when I was left to myself I hated the girl that I was and the woman I wasn't. I'm still searching now at the age of 30 I thought I was supposed to have it all figured out but I'm at the beginning of finding me.

This may have made no sense at all because it was more of an outpouring of how my soul feels right now. Thanks for reading!!

-Ceeje

Replies

  • Ely82010
    Ely82010 Posts: 1,998 Member
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    I read your post, and I feel for you. I think that all of us had moments, days or months of depression during our life, and even if it was managable and not too intense, we should remember how we felt and what we did or did not do during our darkest moment.

    I hope that by taking charge of your diet, actually your way of eating, and following a healthy life style you can also obtain peace, determination, and self motivation. Sometimes depresssion comes from not being able to have control of our daily chores or even our life. Maybe by joining MFP you will find yourself.

    Wish you the best and I encourage you to log your food daily, and to exercise. The pounds will melt away and maybe your sadness and depresion will melt too.

    :flowerforyou:
  • LynnBirchfield
    LynnBirchfield Posts: 580 Member
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    Ceeje -- I think you now have a very good outlook on life. And, please know...I'm a bit older than you and I still haven't figured me out yet. I know first hand about depression. I've had it for a few years. I was to the point also of lying on the sofa all day and calling in sick every once in awhile. My depression is controlled now by medications.

    I too thought I was too heavy when I weighed 40 lbs less than I weigh now. Boy, I'd like to be there now. :)

    Hang in there -- I think you have your "head on straight."
  • ceeje
    ceeje Posts: 20 Member
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    @ibiirch01..LOL. I would love to be back to 135 lbs myself. Thanks for the support and good luck on your weight journey.
  • ceeje
    ceeje Posts: 20 Member
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    @myprogress2010. Thanks so much for your encouraging words. It took me years to realize that I'm not the only one who feels the way I feel. I really want to lose this weight to prove to myself that I can accomplish something if I put my mind to it. BTW: I love your signature!!!
  • FitnessTim
    FitnessTim Posts: 234 Member
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    I think being overweight is usually tied to emotional issues. I hope you are getting help for your depression and keep working on it. I often see people dealing with depression but won't admit it and to hear about someone taking charge of it is inspiring.

    Sometime it feels easier to just do what helps you escape, rather than working on the underlying cause. Whether it is eating, shopping, playing video games or drinking these can be temporary escapes but should be only temporary.

    Just by confronting your problems and working to fix them proves that you are an amazing person. Oprah Winphrey is an amazing woman who dealt with obesity off and on. She is obviously someone who should be proud of her accomplishments and sure of herself, but yet I imagine she deals with lingering self doubt that causes her to overeat.

    By the way, I'm curious about how you learned to control your depression. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Positive Thinking?

    Good luck
  • ceeje
    ceeje Posts: 20 Member
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    @tims. I've learned to control it with positive thinking and thanking God for my many blessings. I try to remember that there are people worse off than me that are more thankful than me and I just want to be at peace with me and comfortable with me. I have to say that my boyfriend has influenced me a lot with that because he is never and I mean never sad. He would always voice his opinion in a no holds bar kinda way. At first I thought he was just being mean but then I learned that it's his version of tough love. Turns out it's worked but I'll never admit that to him.. LOL
  • mollianna
    mollianna Posts: 18
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    Thank You for posting this. You are not alone. I felt like I was reading my exact story. I have clothes anywhere from a size 5 to a size 14, all for this reason. Food makes me feel good. It fills me up with whatever it is that I am missing, maybe joy - I don't know. When I am happy and all is well in my world, I forget to eat! But on days like the last 3 where I have refused to leave my apartment, all I wanna do is eat cookies and peanut butter toast, and cereal. I can't even get up the energy to stand in the kitchen long enough to cook anything so all I eat is junk!

    Yeah I used to think I was huge when I was 135.. now that is my goal for December...

    I don't want to waste this whole post complaining so I better offer you something helpful! Do you have a Nintendo Wii or any dance DVDs you like to do? I have been making myself do the Biggest Loser DVD on the Wii and I even rented the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Exercise DVD from Netflix. After sitting and watching these women, eventually I did feel gross enough that I got up and did some exercises. And I felt better physically AND emotionally. Gotta pump up those endorphins.
  • ceeje
    ceeje Posts: 20 Member
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    @molian..Thanks so much for your words. It's good to know that I'm not alone. :) I used to have a Wii but I sold it. I loved the games but my sports one broke and I just didn't by another one. However I do love to dance and actually I love the treadmill. As long as I have music that I can jam to I can zone out and workout for hours!!!
  • merflan
    merflan Posts: 216 Member
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    I totally know what you are talking about. I know you said you don't want to take meds, but have you thought about why? I have to say, the meds changed my life. I wish I had known years ago how much better I could feel, my life would be different today. On the meds, I am motivated to exercise and eat well. Also, when I look in the mirror, although I'm overweight, I don't feel that repulsion I felt when I was depressed. Depression is pretty crappy, and for me, its chronic so I just have to learn to cope with it. Its tough, I know where you are coming from.
  • sarahwiggins
    sarahwiggins Posts: 4
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    I suffer from depression as well, and I agree with merflan, Since going on Medication my life has changed so much (I also went and spoke with a therapist who helped me figure out some of my issues)! My doctor put it this way, if you had a heart problem you would have no problem taking meds, and its no different with a chemical imbalance. It's good that you are handling it on your own, but if it gets too bad, there is no shame in trying medication :0)

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