How to deal with an Unsupportive spouse?

gojodster
gojodster Posts: 38 Member
in Motivation and Support
Ok I'm supper frustrated so I apologize if this sounds like a major vent fest but I really need some help and perspective.

I have been workout out with my Husbands weight set in the basement and its been going good except that he has been finishing, rearranging etc down there basically its always a mess and I always have to move stuff to be able to have a little space to work. well last night we got in an argument about it because I apparently move his stuff and he couldn't find it for awhile and got pissed and told me that I couldn't Move ANYTHING! so I asked if he could make sure that little area was clear then so I could still work out and he said no if its in the way I guess u cant work out cause I don't want you moving anything. so I'm stuck! He thinks Gyms are a waist of money cause he has weights and a treadmill so there is no reason to pay for it but he also isn't willing to accommodate a little so I can work out at home. I feel like its sabotage like he doesn't really want me to because I have been obsessed with it but I'm just really motivated to loose the weight and get healthy. I have 75lbs to loose so its not like I don't need to. and he was really pushing me to do it (in a good supportive way) until it inconveniences him then who cares.

what can I say or do to solve this one, I don't want to stop working out and I really like lifting.

I love my Spouse so Please don't give me advice to leave just help to make it work for both of us.

Thanks :)
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Replies

  • emirror
    emirror Posts: 842 Member
    Throw his stuff out of the way.

    Seriously, I'm usually pretty non-demonstrative of my anger. I got angry one time, threw a little zipper pull (the little tab thing you grab to pull up a zipper) at the wall when I thought I was alone in a room, and turned around to a wide-eyed, open-mouthed husband. He was bewildered, and whatever it was that I was angry about was resolved pronto.

    I'm not advocating actually throwing stuff. I'm saying, maybe stand your ground in a very firm way.
  • lisabinco
    lisabinco Posts: 1,016 Member
    He thinks Gyms are a waist of money cause he has weights and a treadmill so there is no reason to pay for it but he also isn't willing to accommodate a little so I can work out at home.
    It is either deliberate sabotage or typical male thoughtlessness. Don't dwell on it. As I see it, you have two choices that fit within the lines you've drawn here. (1) Quietly and determinedly continue to move stuff out of the way so you can do your workouts at home, or (2) Quietly and determinedly go find a gym, plunk down the money, and do your workouts at the gym. The key is to channel your inner strength into doing what you need to do for yourself, in a quiet and determined way. He will cave once he sees you are totally locked into your target and won't back down.
    [I'm assuming you also contribute to the household either monetarily (with an outside-the-home job) or with labor (cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, errand-running, etc.) so you get to make some decisions about how the household money is spent.]
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    That's a tough spot. You want your space to work out and he wants his space to get his project done so you both have valid points and it's hard to say one is more important than the other. So what's the option for compromise?

    He already said he can't put the stuff somewhere else...is that true or did he just say that in frustration? Could you help him come up with an alternative? Could you help him with the project so it's done sooner or clean up other areas down there so there's more room? Not trying to put this on you...just figuring there's got to be a better way and if you volunteer to help he might be more open to suggestions.

    Have you talked to him about how important it is for you to be consistent with your exercise? Tell him this and ask him if he could help you come up with other ideas if it's really not possible for you to have that space while he finishes up the renovations.
  • Lives2Travel
    Lives2Travel Posts: 682 Member
    Perhaps it'd help to sit down with him and have a conversation when emotions aren't running high. Tell him how important losing weight is to you and tell him that you certainly didn't mean to make his work in the basement harder. Then ask him where the treadmill and weights could be placed in order for them to be most out of his way and yet accessible to you. In other words, try and engage him in solving the problem. Men love that. They're always attempting to fix our problems so he should be thrilled this is one you actually want his help with.

    If he refuses to budge, then I'd get out the duct tape, layout a reasonable amount of space in a corner of the basement, drag the treadmill and weights into the area and dare him to cross the line. I mean, really, it is your basement too.
  • jwdieter
    jwdieter Posts: 2,582 Member
    Sounds like he's doing a project downstairs? Does it have an end in sight? If he'll be done in a week, maybe just stay out of the basement for a bit. Keep eating right and do bodyweight exercises in a different room, and there won't be much if any impact on weight loss or strength.

    The "you can't move anything" stance is a bit worrisome, if this isn't a very temporary situation.
  • AlyssasDiet
    AlyssasDiet Posts: 120
    He probably feels like that was "his space" and he's feeling territorial now. If sitting down and talking with him doesn't work, I would say get a gym membership anyways. If you can't use his equipment obviously it's not a waste of money to go the the gym. I think the biggest problem I see is you're giving him too much control. Your husband isn't supposed to be able to tell you what you are and are not allowed to do. So if you have your own money, go ahead and get a gym membership and enjoy all the benefits that come with it. :smile:
  • TArnold2012
    TArnold2012 Posts: 929 Member
    First off he should respect you as well as his choice for a mate but that is a horse of a different color. I would suggest you take a picture and be sure everything is back to its original spot after your workout.
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  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    I understand where your both coming from. Sometimes I move things around and my husband can't find where it is because it's not where it was. So in a way I see it from his side, but at the same time, he bought this equipment to be used, did he not? How are you supposed to use the equipment if you're not allowed to touch it? So there needs to be some sort of compromise. Either you both move the equipment to a better spot that satisfies the both of you OR you get an affordable gym membership somewhere, OR you start jogging outside. There has to be a middle ground.
  • lewandt
    lewandt Posts: 566 Member
    If that is considered "his" space, move it to a place that is considered "your" space. Eventually it will end up back in the basement because it probably makes the most sense there. But at least he will see that it is important to you and you are not going to give up.
  • ktsimons
    ktsimons Posts: 294 Member
    If he refuses to budge, then I'd get out the duct tape, layout a reasonable amount of space in a corner of the basement, drag the treadmill and weights into the area and dare him to cross the line. I mean, really, it is your basement too.

    I was going to say the same thing...Ya'll need to mark your territory!! My husband is a bit of a fit thrower, too, so i understand where you are coming from...he is still a spoiled brat in some respects, God bless his mother's soul. But he calms down quickly and then tries to compromise...give it a day or so and go back at it. Who knows, he may QUIETLY start keeping the space more neatly all by himself!
  • Cherie0622
    Cherie0622 Posts: 87 Member
    Ask him to help you find a solution as husbands and wives are supposed to do. If you keep moving stuff, he'll get mad. Tell him that you NEED a compromise or you will have to re-work the budget to fit in a gym membership.... Then you'll have to compromise about where to cut costs. Either way, talk to him when you're both in a good mood.
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
    Offer to help him finish the project so both of you have a better place to workout. Ask him where to put things to help him get organized and get the project done more quickly. Lugging around tools or wood or holding buckets of nails is a great workout also.
  • ThinLizzie0802
    ThinLizzie0802 Posts: 863 Member
    My first reaction was to file for divorce and seek full custody of the weights and treadmill. But you want a serious answer. So... slip him some e on a daily basis. You'll get even more love from him and after awhile, his short-term memory will be crap and you can blame him for moving the stuff in the basement.

    This.
    I tried it.
    It works.
    Although the e gets a bit pricey and I couldn't get him to stop carpet swimming.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    Promise him you are going to put things back in their place after your workouts. And then do so.

    OR

    Negotiate a new temporary place for the weight set until he is finished up with his goings on down there.
  • Mainebikerchick
    Mainebikerchick Posts: 1,573 Member
    Promise him you are going to put things back in their place after your workouts. And then do so.

    OR

    Negotiate a new temporary place for the weight set until he is finished up with his goings on down there.

    These are good ideas!
  • skinnybearlyndsay
    skinnybearlyndsay Posts: 798 Member
    Promise him you are going to put things back in their place after your workouts. And then do so.

    OR

    Negotiate a new temporary place for the weight set until he is finished up with his goings on down there.

    ^This. Unfortunately, either way, you're going to have to confront him on it. It don't think he's being unsupportive...I just think he's being territorial.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    Do you live in a community property state? Did you buy the house together? If so, you have a 50% ownership stake in whatever it is that he's *****ing about you moving, so how about you put on your tough girl panties and tell him to stop moving YOUR stuff.
  • NRSPAM
    NRSPAM Posts: 961 Member
    Personally, I would just move it anyway, and tell him that if he didn't like me moving his crap, then to keep it out of the way. I would also ask him what the he## his problem is!
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,294 Member
    Other than dealing with whatever the real underlying issue is there.... Why not move the stuff out of the way, then move it back when you are done?
  • gabbygirl78
    gabbygirl78 Posts: 936 Member
    My first reaction was to file for divorce and seek full custody of the weights and treadmill. But you want a serious answer. So... slip him some e on a daily basis. You'll get even more love from him and after awhile, his short-term memory will be crap and you can blame him for moving the stuff in the basement.

    This.
    I tried it.
    It works.
    Although the e gets a bit pricey and I couldn't get him to stop carpet swimming.

    lol.. too funny. On a serious note though... this is tough one. I had a husband like him once and I loved him also..... we have been divorced for 5 years now because he was an *kitten* and I finally figured that out. Hope you can change your because I failed at changing mine. Good Luck!
  • septembergrrl
    septembergrrl Posts: 168 Member
    Perhaps it'd help to sit down with him and have a conversation when emotions aren't running high. Tell him how important losing weight is to you and tell him that you certainly didn't mean to make his work in the basement harder. Then ask him where the treadmill and weights could be placed in order for them to be most out of his way and yet accessible to you. In other words, try and engage him in solving the problem. Men love that. They're always attempting to fix our problems so he should be thrilled this is one you actually want his help with.

    If he refuses to budge, then I'd get out the duct tape, layout a reasonable amount of space in a corner of the basement, drag the treadmill and weights into the area and dare him to cross the line. I mean, really, it is your basement too.

    Agreed with all of this. I'm sure you could figure out a compromise if you worked together.
  • DaniNicole321
    DaniNicole321 Posts: 44
    Like others have said, if his project has an end in sight you can definitely find other workouts to do in the meantime. But he can't keep you from using things in YOUR house indefinitely. I personally would workout then put everything back exactly where I found it but I don't see any solution to this situation that doesn't result in a confrontation but maybe that's necessary in order to come up with a compromise. Good luck!
  • spirytwynd
    spirytwynd Posts: 141 Member
    A few thoughts from the male side. The suggestion to get him involved in the solution is a good one. Working together is better than working against each other. Remember, you are on the same team. You could also move things out of the way and then carefully put them back. Perhaps put the weights someplace other than the basement. Possibly work out a temporary or trial membership at a gym until he gets done in the basement. Yes, he has the equipment that you can use but you can't use it right now. He might see that as a good solution. The best solution might be to get him to work out with you. Then he will know where everything is moved, he is saving the money from the gym, and he will get to spend time with you too!
  • TwinkieDong
    TwinkieDong Posts: 1,564 Member
    OK this is coming from a man that well the house is my kingdom, I am the ALPHA, the OMEGA, the beginning, the end. With that said....

    I think your husband is completely in the wrong about this. I think if your health and weight is important to you, you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him you will workout regardless of his wishes. Either he will support you by ensuring you can adequately exercise in the house, or you will simply join a gym. Then somehow mention that at home it saves $$ and no guys will gawk at you....(use the stereotype against him for this argument). Then give him a time frame. Then he makes the choice.
  • ItsAliciaMarie
    ItsAliciaMarie Posts: 130
    My first reaction was to file for divorce and seek full custody of the weights and treadmill. But you want a serious answer. So... slip him some e on a daily basis. You'll get even more love from him and after awhile, his short-term memory will be crap and you can blame him for moving the stuff in the basement.

    This.
    I tried it.
    It works.
    Although the e gets a bit pricey and I couldn't get him to stop carpet swimming.


    Haha!! I LOVE these answers!! Crack me up!

    In reality though - my boyfriend was the same way when I was using his weights. I think it's the "that's my stuff" situation. He isn't using his weights, but you are and you're seeing results. If you explain to him that you are just trying to do well for yourself and that you are not trying to invade his space, hopefully he'll come around. Also, I'd tell him that you'll make sure to put his stuff back where you found it when you are done.

    good luck!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Just break up.
  • gojodster
    gojodster Posts: 38 Member
    Thanks for the advice, I did offer to put it back when I'm done and also asked if I could help make space so we could both do what we needed to and all I got was, I don't know what to tell you but I don't want you touching Anything and I will get to it when I get to it and until I do I don't know what to tell you. Yea I didn't get anywhere! so I just said Ok I will try and figure something else out and left it at that.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    OK. Kidding.

    Real advice: Just tell him straight out that you are not going to stop exercising and while you're sorry if he can't find things, if they're in your way, they're going to get moved.
  • amy32lynn
    amy32lynn Posts: 157 Member
    just move his stuff out of the way and when you are done working out put his stuff back were it was!!!!

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