supportive versus coddling
annbillingsley
Posts: 60 Member
My bf and I are both MFP members and both trying to actively lose weight. I was wondering if asking your significant other to NOT bring certain foods in the house is OK? The REST of the family enjoys these foods and not to overindulgence. I have been blamed for the failures of my bf because I have foods that he likes in my house. Mind you, he asks me to buy the WORST of my trigger foods---pizza pockets, mini pizzas, or thin crust pizzas---and thinks NOTHING of the fact that is trigger food for my ED (and it is a food my children cannot cook on their own, so I have to do it for them!) I never asked him to not have them in the house because it should be ME who takes on the responsibility. I don't want to be coddled and I don't want to coddle anyone else. I have seen his threads on here and he has been SLAMMED numerous times because he feels if *I* didn't buy the foods, HE wouldn't cheat. he keeps his apartment completely foodless so he isn't tempted there. I don't want to be the diet police and I don't want to be blamed for having some halloween candy in the house. it's my kids' candy, for christ's sakes!!! I think he should man up and take responsibilty of what goes into his mouth and not make it MY fault he is is lapsing. I am losing weight effectively and maintaining willpower a large percentage of the time and I have severe issues around food/eating/dieting.
Am I being too harsh to expect him to be an adult and learn how to manage his weight without expecting me to lock food up ? I plan the meals, I buy the groceries, I cook the meals, and I even plug it all into MFP so all he has to do is ask me how many calories a serving, and I even dish out individual servings FOR HIM. I prepare healthy meals, or at least a lot of healthy sides to go with something like pizza or hot dogs on the grill, etc. I think I do A LOT to support his lifestyle already and I think asking me to be the food police and lock up food is going too far. HE wanted to change his eating habits, so HE should do it and not rely on me. I am not his mom and he is not my child.
Am I being too harsh to expect him to be an adult and learn how to manage his weight without expecting me to lock food up ? I plan the meals, I buy the groceries, I cook the meals, and I even plug it all into MFP so all he has to do is ask me how many calories a serving, and I even dish out individual servings FOR HIM. I prepare healthy meals, or at least a lot of healthy sides to go with something like pizza or hot dogs on the grill, etc. I think I do A LOT to support his lifestyle already and I think asking me to be the food police and lock up food is going too far. HE wanted to change his eating habits, so HE should do it and not rely on me. I am not his mom and he is not my child.
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Replies
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Yes, he should man up. He alone is responsible for his choices.0
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COMMITTED people will do what it takes to reach a goal regardless of the obstacles that confront them. He's not your responsibility when it comes to food choices. Tell the boy to grow some.
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
So I can assume he will read this? Nice shaming job.0
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Thanks for the replies so far. I had been hoping I wasn't being mean or unsupportive. It is nice to have at least SOMEONE agree with me. I was feeling like cr@p because he says I want him to fail if I won't do it. It isn't that I want him to fail, I just have a hard enough time keeping track of my own food issues plus cookin for picky kids. I don't have the time or energy to have one more "kid". LOL!0
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Maybe you should read him your post and sort it out.0
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So I can assume he will read this? Nice shaming job.
No, I have him blocked. I believe we each have our own journey to become healthier people.0 -
Maybe you should read him your post and sort it out.
I will get some opinions and try to formulate a way in which to broach the topic in a way that is the most tactful. Saying "I am not your mom, so you are in charge of what goes into your mouth" probably won't be a good conversation starter. lol
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and in case you are wondering how I knew about his posts even though we are blocked from each other, it was because after he posted, he expected people would tell him he was right on and I was a witch. he did NOT get the response he wanted, to he came to me and pouted and sulked about it.So I can assume he will read this? Nice shaming job.0 -
Just because you have blocked him doesn't mean he can't bump into this thread and read it. Maybe ask a mod to delete it.
I agree with the fact that just because it's in the house for him to eat doesn't mean he has to touch it.0 -
This is probably going to upset some, but. Your not his mom, he is an adult, he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Just broach the subject tactfully and with patience.0
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Just because you have blocked him doesn't mean he can't bump into this thread and read it. Maybe ask a mod to delete it.
I agree with the fact that just because it's in the house for him to eat doesn't mean he has to touch it.
Oh, ok! Thanks for the heads up! I asked him to block me when we first joined just so we can each ask questions on the boards without seeing it.
didn't know we'd even be able to see these!!! 0 -
To be honest, I have asked my husband and kids to not regularly have lots of homemade chocolate chip cookies or brownies in the house. Once in a while is fine, but not always being easy and available. They have really been fine with this. It's not like they never get to eat it, and it's been a huge help. They love me and don't want to make things more difficult for me than necessary, so it wasn't really a big deal.
You know, it sounds like your issue might in part be idealogical, whereas I'm a practical person and go for whatever approach works, not just what I think SHOULD work from an idealogical perspective.
If it's tons of foods that he doesn't want around, yeah, I can see where there is a problem. But if he just would rather not have bowls of candy in sight or something just as easy, really, is it that big of a deal?0 -
Hang on! Are you saying that he doesn't buy any food in his apartment?
But you buy, prepare, weigh, measure, cook for him? He then just logs what he's eaten at your home?
He then complains about the food you are buying? :noway:0 -
Tell him to stop being a wimpy kitty baby whiner.
Seriously, though. He comes over and mooches off of you and gives you full responsibility for feeding everyone? Not cool. Especially since you've battled an ED. I wouldn't keep someone around who lacked basic care about my well being. He doesn't have to coddle, but any kind of evidence that he gives a crap would be nice. And regarding the pizza snacks, you have the right to deny them entrance into your own damn house.
Stop being his mom.0 -
I think that people should be able to have foods in the house without feeling compelled to eat them. If someone literally cannot control their behavior, I'd say that's a psychiatric problem.0
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I am at a loss to know what you truly get out of this relationship. You seem to be very, overly generous. Support is a two way thing, as someone else said, "you are not his mother, and by this age even she will have handed him the responsibility of his own well being". If your BF, is taking the meals, and treats you buy for your children and expects you to feed him every day he is taking you for a mug. You and the children deserve much better.
Being long in the tooth now, I would simply show him the door, then again.............. I did something similar a life time ago and been much happier for it.
All the very best take care of you0 -
Aside from the obvious imbalance in your relationship (you seem to do everything for him!) you really can't let this continue as a source of friction because it will either ruin your relationship with him or start to affect your eating... or both. You definitely shouldn't feel like you need to be the food police for him, he needs to find a better way to avoid eating junk or take responsibility for it himself. It's easy to try to blame your partner for your poor food habits - I'm definitely tempted myself sometimes but ultimately it's up to me to control my eating and in the mean time, discuss things with her so we can both work out a strategy together! I hope you're able to work something out too!0
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I agree, you two should probably have this talk.. there seems to be other issues/factors that are manifesting themselves on the food thing.0
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My advice is to not get too much into the habit of mommying your boyfriend to extremes. It always bites you in this the *kitten* later, and then you can't complain about it since you encouraged the behavior. This has been my experience.0
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I think you need to let him do his own buying of food and looking after his own self. You look after yourself. It sounds like it is a competition. Make a team effort to eat healthy together and support each other instead of trying to out do each other.0
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I am not his mom and he is not my child.
so you're slamming each other on a public bulletin board instead? nice.
To answer your question - there is no hard and fast rule. it sounds like you two are thriving on drama instead of trying to work out an amicable solution. of course you aren't *responsible* for him and he isn't responsble for you - but it would be "considerate" if you took each other's issues into consideration. bit hard to do when you are trying to prove that the other is *wrong*0 -
I plan the meals, I buy the groceries, I cook the meals, and I even plug it all into MFP so all he has to do is ask me how many calories a serving, and I even dish out individual servings FOR HIM. I prepare healthy meals, or at least a lot of healthy sides to go with something like pizza or hot dogs on the grill, etc. I think I do A LOT to support his lifestyle already and I think asking me to be the food police and lock up food is going too far.
Let me get this straight ... you plan his meals, you buy his groceries, you cook everything for him, you enter everything into MFP, you even plate his food for him so he won't get more than 1 serving ... but you think not keeping his "trigger foods" in your house is the straw between supportive and coddling?
I'm not a psychologist or anything, but it's pretty clear to me that your behavior thus far has made him think that you ARE responsible for his choices, so this is just par for the course, as far as he's concerned.
You know, men will usually put on their big boy pants and stop acting like children when you stop treating them like children.0 -
I am not his mom and he is not my child.
so you're slamming each other on a public bulletin board instead? nice.
To answer your question - there is no hard and fast rule. it sounds like you two are thriving on drama instead of trying to work out an amicable solution. of course you aren't *responsible* for him and he isn't responsble for you - but it would be "considerate" if you took each other's issues into consideration. bit hard to do when you are trying to prove that the other is *wrong*
The OP said they have each other blocked and she didn't know he would still be able to see her post...so this wasn't about public shaming..
That being said...my husband can eat whatever he wants..he is just one of "those" people LOL. I do all the shopping and fix all the meals, but if there is something specific (junk) he wants I will buy it for him. HOWEVER, this is a rarity and not an everyday occurance because he knows I am watching what I eat and doesn't want to tempt me. It sounds to me like your BF expects you to coddle him and force him to watch what he eats or he wouldn't do it himself. IF there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that I have to do this for me not anyone else. Maybe he hasn't hit the same place you have, and he isn't ready to make the changes. That is the conversation you need to have, then you have to decide if the relationship is what you really want. If he isn't ready, and you want to stay together, then I say it's time for him to start eating at home. You aren't living together and unless he is contributing cash to the groceries..why would he get a say?0 -
Well...I have asked my husband that if he has chocolate things that he wants to eat himself, he has to hide it or not let me know its there or else I'll start pilfering. I'm still in the journey, but he isn't and I do have a LOT of willpower issues around chocolate. That being said, its not a major issue and he just gets mad when I eat it all on him
Anyways. We do compromise, work around each other and talk about it. I think you 2 need to have a serious adult conversation. Explain what you see from your side and maybe have suggestions for him. Also, maybe show him how to cook too and have him do 1 or 2 dinners a night? Not sure if that is possible. Then maybe he will pay more attention. Your kids will also be impacted by "hiding secret food" behavior. You don't want them to see that and start thinking its normal if they are too young to really understand. It could end up having bad effects on them. Ultimately, just like me, its his choice to put the food in his mouth, he can't blame you for failing himself. But remind him that its always a new day to start again with willpower and it is a process.0 -
so instead of having a conversation about it, you both post stuff on here for the other to read!?0
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Stop feeding him.
Stop buying groceries with his input.
Stop weighing and measuring his food.
You are treating him like a child; he is going to act like one. Stop enabling this behavior and get your relationship back to an adult level.0 -
It's perfectly okay for you to refuse to buy and store unhealthy trigger foods, especially since you don't live together and he could have them at home. This is especially true since you are both trying to get healthier and lose weight.
Honestly, I don't agree with all these comments that you should outright refuse to cook for him. I live with my boyfriend and I cook for him all the time. He's on MFP as well, so I'll log dinner and he just copies it to his diary and I don't see that as unfair. But I enjoy cooking and I cook foods that I want because they're healthy and I find them delicious - but I do take into consideration his tastes and needs when we are sharing a meal. If you're making dinner for both of you, why would you only weigh and measure half? However, I do all the food planning and make my own shopping list, although I do buy double portions of some things to make for both of us. If he comes to the store or goes on his own, he makes his own decisions, although usually looks to me for some advice on what is healthy.
Have an actual conversation with your boyfriend. If you can't communicate, your relationship isn't going to make it through your weight loss journeys or any other challenges. It's clearly not benefiting either of you to buy and prepare his unhealthy food choices. Discuss how you can work together to lose weight and become healthier rather than keeping your weight loss journeys so separate.0 -
editing myself out since I can't delete.0
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Confused on why a man that does not live with you and your children would believe that he can make decisions for the household. I am married and cook for my family daily, I am not going to deprive them of the foods they like because I need to lose weight. I will adjust what I eat on my own.
My main question to your boyfriend would be "how does he plan on making his weight loss long term if he can not say no on his own", and if you can't say no then you adjust your day or wake up the next and realize it is a new day. The world is not going to hide food from him, he will have to face it daily for the rest of his life.
As to the two of you making posts regarding the other in hopes of public agreement...well that just does not sound like a recipe to a long healthy relationship. Personally I love my husband but with that and 16 yrs together is the realization that we will not always agree. Women that hold grudges or stay angry at their significant other just have way more time and energy than I do. If you don't like something talk about if you can't see eye to eye, make the decision on how you are going to handle that issue and if it is a deal breaker or not. Finding agreement on a forum is not going to help, you can't say "look..look you were wrong" that is very unhealthy and not how the kids need to see problems resolved.0 -
It's a tricky situation. More so because you’re posting it all here for the world to see, which will only add to the drama whether he sees it or not. You’re posting from a position of frustration, and you’ve framed the situation so that there’s an obvious good guy and bad guy. If you guys are really involved, issues like this can blow up into something a lot more serious than they should be. Tell him that you’d really like to avoid the temptation of your trigger foods, so although once in a while is ok, for the most part if he wants certain foods, he needs to keep them at his place or in his car, and prepare them himself. At the same time, try to find healthier alternatives of those problem foods that he and your kids will enjoy. Try not to argue or get mad, just let him know that this is the way you’d like it to be from now on and eventually he’ll see that you mean it. Be subtle about it though, and try not to frame it as an argument or a “Talk”, just kind of work it into the conversation – and let him have some little victories in there too. If you’re going to win the war, let him have his little wins on some things that don’t really matter to you in the long run. You guys will be happier for it down the line.
I do all the shopping and cooking for my family, and it was a trial for a while because my wife kept wanting me to get “sweets” or “desserts” which meant chocolate or ice cream and stuff like that, which I didn’t want in the house anymore (chocolate especially – that’s my weakness). I mentioned that I wanted us to try and eat better and simply stopped buying stuff like that, buying less and less of it every week, until it was all gone. She really missed it for a while, but now we’re both eating better.0
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