Getting back with my ex husband? long

Renae_Nae
Renae_Nae Posts: 935 Member
in Chit-Chat
July 23, 2006 I married the man I thought I would live the rest of my life with. He was in the Army and we spent our first year as husband and wife 7,000 miles apart due to war. We had a pretty good marriage (ups and downs with Army life, learning to actually be married, and coming back from a deployment wasn't easy). We felt like we had finally figured stuff out when he got moved to the Wounded Transition Unit as they decided that he was no longer fit for the military with asthma (that he got after his deployment) and PTSD. All hell broke lose. The next year was a complete blur. June of 2010 I decided to move home to get a job before he got out. He feel deeper into depression and on July 23, 2010 he asked me for a divorce.

The following Feb he asked for my forgiveness and a second chance. I was still so pissed I blew him off. The end of March he asked if I had filed. I told him yes and that everything was basically done. He had already signed the paperwork so he couldn't stop it.

I then started dating a guy. This guy is great. He's sweet, he gets along well with my family and he makes me laugh. A few months ago we got engaged (the wedding isn't planned til Sept of next year). Our relationship hasn't been easy. I've brough crap in from my old marriage and have had to work on that a lot, but we get along.

Life was good til yesterday. Yesterday my ex texted me. He wanted to tell me how sorry he was and said he missed me. Now normally I'd tell someone who was in my position "oh well, his loss." and move on. The issue is I still love him. I always have. We spent 2 hours talking and he reminds me of the man I married, not the guy with PTSD that I divorced. It's a huge difference. I've spent 2 years hating my dreams of getting back together with him and wanting to be with him. My head says run...my heart says to try again.

Right now he lives in KS and I live in FL. He did a lot of debt racking up when we were married and then getting out of the Army (and him taking all our credit card debt as well as the large car payment when we divorced) didn't help. He says he's got most of it paid off and he wants to wait to get more stable before he moves back. He wants to do this right (meaning not a ton of debt like last time). I'd write him off and stay with my fiance but in the last few weeks I've felt like I'm with my fiance more because he fits into the family than because I'm in love with him. Now I know the in love feeling comes and go (been there, done that) but it should be there when you've only been engaged 2 months. Planning our wedding has stressed me out more so I stopped (no deposits, nothing is bought!)

Everyone is going to think I'm stupid as hell for wanting to work it out with my ex. I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy if I don't at least figure out if things have changed and if we could make it. Right now I'm not doing anything. I'm staying with my fiance because this is to big of a decision to make in one day. I'm just wondering if anyone else has been this crazy to go back to an ex spouse and it actually work.
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Replies

  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
    You have 2 guys to choose from. Just pick the guy you like the best after weighing all the qualities objectively.
    Looks, personality, income, emotional stability or whatever other items you can think of.
    One guy gets you while the other gets a broken heart.
    Oh well :ohwell:
    You and Mr Right go have a wonderful life, and Mr Wrong will buck up, move on and find another.
    No need for melodramatics; there are plenty of fish in the sea.
    Good Luck :smokin:
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    sounds to me like you arent ready for a relationship with either right now. cut the fiance loose. you are not being fair to him. how would you feel if the tables were turned?
    just my opinion.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    I'd like to suggest that you get into some sort of counseling. My husband and I didn't divorce, but we were close to getting divorced and he asked me to go to counseling with him. I thought I was going to counseling to help him adjust to the idea of living without me, but instead, I could see how much he loved me. The weekend that I was planning on asking him to move out, he went out of town with a friend. I did a lot of crying and soul searching that weekend and realized the he and I shared core values and a ton of history (22 years together). The next counseling session, I was planning on telling him he needed to leave and instead told him that I was willing to try to work things out.

    We still will go to counseling for a while, to learn how not to repeat the same patterns that we had developed. But we are committed to making it work and to continue to work on making our marriage better.
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,450 Member
    Obviously we can't know enough to decide but I can say that people rarely change. They can put on a good show for a while but generally, they are who they are. Also sounds to me like you're settling for the ideal perfection of this new guy and not because he's actually right for you.

    Me? I'd tell the x good luck and walk away from the new guy too.
  • lil_bit_crazy
    lil_bit_crazy Posts: 161 Member
    An EX is an EX for a reason.

    And if you truely loved the one you're with now, you wouldn't be toying with the idea of another. Ex or new.

    Just my opinion ...
  • Renae_Nae
    Renae_Nae Posts: 935 Member
    Obviously we can't know enough to decide but I can say that people rarely change. They can put on a good show for a while but generally, they are who they are. Also sounds to me like you're settling for the ideal perfection of this new guy and not because he's actually right for you.

    Me? I'd tell the x good luck and walk away from the new guy too.

    That is what my friend and I have been talking about. I'm going to cut my fiance loose...although that is going to take some time because I don't want to do it while I'm emotional.

    As far as the ex. He's planning on moving home in Feb. I'm going to use the time between now and then to focus on me. When we moves back we'll revisit the idea of getting back together. We've already decided that lots of professional counseling is a must.
  • cressievargo
    cressievargo Posts: 392 Member
    Obviously we can't know enough to decide but I can say that people rarely change. They can put on a good show for a while but generally, they are who they are. Also sounds to me like you're settling for the ideal perfection of this new guy and not because he's actually right for you.

    Me? I'd tell the x good luck and walk away from the new guy too.

    You are talking about a person who did a tour of duty, ended up with an injury that ended his career and PTSD. Expecting him to be the same after that is insanity.

    Most people don't change - but lumping someone in that category who has literally been through hell is not fair at all.

    OP it sounds like you "settled" for your fiance, and that's not really fair to either of you. If you have any doubts - you owe it to him to tell him. Whether or not you decide to become involved in a relationship with your ex-husband - only time will tell. A lot has happened that has changed both of you. It sounds like YOU could benefit from counseling, so that you can resolve your past issues, before they continue to be baggage in your other relationships. In all honesty - it sounds like your ex-husband contacting you really just gave you an out that maybe you weren't 100% aware you wanted just yet....although since you stopped doing any wedding planning - well, I think on some level you knew this wouldn't work out.

    Best of luck.
  • DMZ_1
    DMZ_1 Posts: 2,889 Member
    Move forward, not backward. Exes are exes for a reason.
  • RobynC79
    RobynC79 Posts: 331 Member
    What a tough situation...The person most being wronged here is your new fiance, who engaged you on the understanding that you were emotionally free. I think you need to have a very open conversation with him immediately - you have some very 'honest' issues (not infidelity, not a planned reconciliation, etc) that reasonably prevent you from proceeding with your planned wedding, and he deserves to know that now, not when you feel like you've worked yourself up to it.

    He may be very understanding or he may be extremely angry and feel betrayed. That's pretty reasonable, I think. If he decides to remain in contact with you I think you should agree to that, because it may well be that your husband isn't in a position to have you back. How much do you know about your husband's recovery? PTSD doesn't erase the person before, so it's totally possible that he can seem just like he was originally and still be very, very far from being functionally recovered. I would urge you to proceed with very great care if you consider reinvolving yourself with him.

    I think for now you should immediately talk with your fiance, and let him dictate what he wants from the end of your engagement. Then take your time considering whether you really do want to reconcile with your ex. Even if you still love him, if he is not recovered you may find yourself in the same situation with him all over again.
  • Renae_Nae
    Renae_Nae Posts: 935 Member
    Move forward, not backward. Exes are exes for a reason.

    Normally I agree...but when someone plans on being in the Infantry for 20+ years and deals with PTSD while getting kicked out it's different. He completely lost who he was and even his mom said she didn't know him anymore. He's been out of the military for a year and a half now, is going back to school and holding down a full-time job with looking at a promotion soon. That's a completely different guy than the one that we were talking about locking up in a phsyc ward.
  • mrscpm
    mrscpm Posts: 7 Member
    That is what my friend and I have been talking about. I'm going to cut my fiance loose...although that is going to take some time because I don't want to do it while I'm emotional.

    I think it is pretty selfish to string the guy along so you can make dumping him easier for YOU. Just break it off already, and spend a little time by yourself. It sounds like you jump from one relationship to another without taking the time to know who YOU are and what you really want.
  • Renae_Nae
    Renae_Nae Posts: 935 Member
    That is what my friend and I have been talking about. I'm going to cut my fiance loose...although that is going to take some time because I don't want to do it while I'm emotional.

    I think it is pretty selfish to string the guy along so you can make dumping him easier for YOU. Just break it off already, and spend a little time by yourself. It sounds like you jump from one relationship to another without taking the time to know who YOU are and what you really want.

    I'm not talking about in a month or two...I'm talking about tomorrow instead of tonight so I can actually gather my thoughts.
  • HornsUT32
    HornsUT32 Posts: 146 Member
    I am in a situtation that is similiar in a few ways. I met a man about 4 months before he was to deploy to Iraq. We hit if off right away, and we decided to make it work while he was deployed. I know that was not the best decision, but that is what we decided. His base was about 45 minutes away from my apartment, so we spent every sinlge weekend together during that time. Then, about 3 weeks before he was to deploy, he disappeared. Literally, I mean I didn't get a phone call, nothing telling me what I did, he just left.

    About a month after he was in Iraq, he emailed me. He asked for my forgiveness and said that I did nothing wrong. We started talking again but never got back together. I ended up looking at his facebook around this time, and noticed he was "in a relationship." He was with a woman who he had never met...ever. I wasn't going to play those games, so I cut off contact.

    About 6 months later he emails me again. He goes on and on about how his "gf" wasn't even real...meaning they never even met. He said he just needed someone to talk to, and that he never stopped thinking about me. He said he would be home in about 5 months, and wanted us to work things out. We talked for about 6 weeks until I finally started to think about giving him another chance, and maybe working things out when he got home. Well, I go to add him to my facebook again, and BOOM...there is another woman who he has never met, who he claims to be in a relationship with. This woman lives in his hometown 4 states away, not even near us. I cut off all contact again.

    Anyhow, he is back home now and has been contacting me. I can tell he wants to talk about things, but I don't want to have that discussion. He is going home on leave next week, where this woman is...and I don't want to talk to him until she is totally out of the picture.

    So...as I type this I know what you must be thinking. How can someone even talk to someone like this? I ask myself that everyday...literally. The thing is, even though we were only together for a few months, he is the only man that I have ever met that I could see myself marrying someday. My family loved him...he spent as much time with my parents as with me. But, I can't get over what he has done. I mean...why all of these women who he has never even met? I was here...yet he chose some woman on the internet. How am I supposed to feel about that? I don't undertand, and I dont think I ever will.

    My friends that have had bfs and husbands deploy have had similar things go on. Maybe not exactly, but war makes people do things they normally wouldn't do. Many of them tell me to give it another chance, now that he is not thinking about being deployed and war, but I dont know if I can. I mean I care about him, but I am so angry at him too. I have to make a decision...either let the past go and start over, or move on for good.
  • ShareeMorty
    ShareeMorty Posts: 324 Member
    Never go back especially after this amount of time. The past is the past for a reason you need to move forward not look back.

    You need to let the fiance go so he can find a woman who truly loves him.

    You need to get your *kitten* into some counselling so you don't go getting engaged for the wrong reasons again.

    You also need to be on your own for a good long time to be the best version of you that you can be. Focus on you, sorting out your issues and raising your kids. Then when you have done all that you will be ready to be a good partner to someone else.
  • Snitch1
    Snitch1 Posts: 201 Member
    To all the people that said, never go back..I did that. My hubby and I have been on/off for over 20 years.;We finally made the commitment to marry 6 years ago..it was a really tough time..the economy was beginning to circle the drain..he lost his job,we lost a house..we divorced.

    Still saw each other off and on, but we both dated other people. But, no one measured up to him. They didn't do the little things that made him special. Sure, I found someone who would have taken care of me forever..never having to worry about money again, but, it was not the same. My heart was with Jon.

    Fast forward 2 years, He has changed, I have changed, we still love each other..we remarried. It is wonderful. :blushing: :heart: :heart: :heart:

    BUT..I have PTSD and Depression from being in the military. Is it rough..very.
    Every day is something new. With PTSD,
    there is black and white-no grey. On/off. in/out, yes/no.
    No gray AT ALL. Happy/Sad.
    It is difficult for my husband..we pretty much do our own thing..
    we do not expect much from each other,
    but we are older-we are both in our early 50's..
    so,having a baby,buying a house..we have already been through all that.
    So, we don't and will never have the STRESS levels you might have.

    To the young women who have moved on from someone with PTSD, I would say....Unless you have children, I would not recommend going back. The person you fell in LOVE with no longer resides in that body.:noway:

    UNLESS you plan on going to PTSD meetings with Him(?), really learning what His triggers are. LEARNING TO NOT BADGER WHEN HE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK. It truly is NOT about you.Learning that PTSD, NEVER GOES AWAY. It like climbing a mountain, going in circles around, and doing fine-then, BAM! a trigger happens, and you side down 2 rows. You get real discouraged. It is a FOREVER THING.

    Why sometimes, He will just want to be LEFT ALONE for several days, and BELIEVE ME, when He says it is NOT you, by all means, BELIEVE HIM. There is NO other woman..He just needs to get past the demon's in His head.

    I was not in WAR, but my PTSD is from multiple sexual abuse encounters. But the dynamic's are the same. I am hard to live with. I am moody.I start tasks and rarely finish them-except laundry and the dishes for some reason.

    My suggestion would be..if you want to try it out, do so, but SLOWLY.
    KNOW that the person you are dealing with is NOT the person you remember.

    I often feel like damaged goods.
    But, am BLESSED because my Hubby is ultimately THERE for me,
    without too many questions, when I need him.
    And, Praise the Lord, He married me TWO times,
    knowing about all my Schitznit.

    If you have anymore questions, please feel free to PM me, or write on my wall.:flowerforyou:

    Blessings,
    Sister Nicolette
  • korsicash
    korsicash Posts: 770 Member
    My husband was deployed, came home with PTSD it is not easy. BUT you have been affected by his deployment as well. The VA has family counseling that can help you sort out your feelings. I would be honest with your fiance because a loveless marriage because it seems to fit ok with your family is not right, this too will end poorly (my marriage number 2 was for this reason and we divorced quickly)

    Get help and then ask your ex to prove to you he wants to work it out by working on himself and getting treatment for the PTSD
  • SPNLuver83
    SPNLuver83 Posts: 2,050 Member
    Sounds to me like your ex was sick. It's a damn shame things ended up in divorce.

    If you feel like you can help him on the road to recover and be the strong person he may need you to be, I would think you should follow your heart on this one and try to make it work with your ex.
  • CalJur
    CalJur Posts: 627 Member
    Just stop in your tracks before you make any more decisions. For yourself and loved ones please seek professional counseling. This is not an easy situation easily solved by some well meaning but likely not professionals in the field who truly know your entire story and can assist you step by step to ensure you spend the rest of your life happy.
  • chaverland77
    chaverland77 Posts: 22 Member
    Do what makes you happy! I actually married a boyfriend that I used to see right out of high school 5 years ago, We reconnected after my divorce, it had been 13 years since I'd seen or talked to him.....been together for 5 and married for 3. We both even have 1 child from a previous marriage.......All I can say if I seems right quit worrying about the "what if's"......You can't live life scared of getting hurt you've just got to roll with the punches life blows at times.....Love never fails but are you ready to stand beside him all the way this time and no matter what....stick by his side??
  • Maude_Lewbowski
    Maude_Lewbowski Posts: 395 Member
    NAMI. Period, the end.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    PTSD isn't his fault and he was overseas during a war. When he signed the divorce papers he wasn't really in his right mind, it seems. If you want to make it work with him again then do it. I think you should let the new guy go either way.

    My husband spent a year in Iraq in 2009-2010 and he seemed different when he came home (short tempered sometimes) but I stuck by his side and he is more attentive in what I have to say or feel :happy: We were married for 1 year before he left to go overseas (we got the call a few days before our 1 year wedding anniversary) and that was the year we were getting to know eachother in person (we met online in July 2006, met in person for the first time in July 2007 in Indiana where he's from but a couple hours later I had to go home to Arkansas, married in a court house in Indiana in November 2007and I left my family 10 hours away to be with him). We spend our 2nd wedding Anniversary IMing eachother while he was in Iraq. 3rd wedding anniversary he was home and he proposed to me again. Spent our 4th wedding anniversary together. He got out of the military last year. Our 5th anniversary is coming up in November :heart:

    I hope everything turns out okay for you! :flowerforyou:
  • SkimFlatWhite68
    SkimFlatWhite68 Posts: 1,254 Member
    Just stop in your tracks before you make any more decisions. For yourself and loved ones please seek professional counseling. This is not an easy situation easily solved by some well meaning but likely not professionals in the field who truly know your entire story and can assist you step by step to ensure you spend the rest of your life happy.

    This.

    Seek professional help and talk it out. There are a lot of issues here.

    Something I think about was a quote from a movie (perks of being a wallflower) that my ex quoted to me last year...
    "We accept the love we think we deserve"

    I cried for 3 days. Worked through it, but the quote always stays with me.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    I think those who have recommended professional counseling have made the most sense.

    Are you going to be strong enough to deal with the PTSD and any regressions? Is his word trustworthy has he really worked out his financial situation?

    If he hasn't completely healed, changed a 180 and is not getting the appropriate counseling will you be able to deal with the same man who you left a year from now, 5 years from now, 50 years from now?

    Right now you have stability and you have love. It's possible you could lose your security and eventually fall out of love with your ex if he hasn't changed completely.

    Think long and hard and seek some counseling.
  • Clameater
    Clameater Posts: 317
    I feel sorry for this lady's Fiancé. He felt with a chick with tons of baggage, fell in love, and is now getting dumped in the gutter. Homeboy will likely be depressed for a couple years and permanently scared....
  • lovely_helena
    lovely_helena Posts: 2
    Go for the guy you truly love. Because once love is there, it will conquer everything including your fears and inhibitions. However one word of caution before doing this, make sure the guy you are choosing is willing to sacrifice a bit to make the relationship work. which means that he has to change positively as well. Goodluck and I hope you will be happy soon. Everyone deserves to be happy, and that includes everyone in a relationship.
  • 2Heavy2Long
    2Heavy2Long Posts: 315 Member
    Your fiance deserves better than you. Cut him loose so he can move on with his life.
  • Sylvitryinghard
    Sylvitryinghard Posts: 549 Member
    Follow your heart in life and not ur head and you will have made all the right decisioins in your destiny.

    and "every new relationship" is amazing in the beginning with tons of butterflys... and why the hectic to get married again when you already got divorced??
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
    I suppose I am going to be the only one who come across like a jerk here but, here it goes.
    Your post has got to be one of the most selfish posts I have ever read.
    Your husband did something only 1% of Americans had the balls to do.
    He came back wounded both physically and mentally.

    And now you are trying to figure out what is best for YOU?

    I understand he asked for the divorce. If I had to guess, he did it because he knew he was screwed up and decided that he really wanted YOU to be happy. Just one more sacrifice this young Soldier made.

    I wish I knew him personally. I would tell him to run as far away as possible from you.
    You might not agree with what I am posting here but, you are only looking out for YOU and not the man you made a promise to.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    Cut your fiance loose. You don't even feel like you love him right now. He sounds like a nice guy who deserves to be #1, not second banana to the love you feel for someone else because he's convenient and fits in well. Is that a picture of you two together in your profile pic? Seems kind of cruel when you're obviously still hung up on someone else and writing a forum post about how you kind of want to dump the guy in your photo.

    But I agree with everyone who says you shouldn't be with ANYONE right now. If you want to try with your ex, go to counseling. It sounds like he had some serious PTSD which (hopefully) can be worked through if that was the biggest problem in your relationship. But get yourself sorted out first.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,988 Member
    Zombie thread. Apparently she should be married to her fiancee by now. Wonder what happened?

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