The sabotaging partner

paulylovesme
paulylovesme Posts: 170
in Motivation and Support
My hubby sabotages me! I don't know if he does it on purpose or if he just doesn't care. I was 2 weeks into my no eating out/healthy eating plan. Then this weekend was a total flop! We went to the movies and of course had popcorn, soda then went to chinese buffet. There I only had one plate and ate mostly meat and veggies and a couple of pieces of sushi. I made pretty good choices. Then Sunday I was doing pretty good then I switched and started eating everything like an animal! I had popcorn, ice cream, and meatball subs, Granted I did not eat out I ate tons of processed garbage. I am having a hard time getting back on track. Did not do bad yesterday but I am still feeling the effects of this weekend.

Basically wondering if anyone else goes through this and what I should do!
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Replies

  • kyleekay10
    kyleekay10 Posts: 1,812 Member
    "My husband sabotages me"

    Followed by an explanation of how you chose to eat things that you maybe shouldn't have.

    Ok.




    You ultimately decide what you eat and how you react to your surroundings... don't blame him.

    ETA: For the record this happens to me, too, and likely everyone on this site. It's not a big deal, just take ownership and work on doing better.
  • eric_sg61
    eric_sg61 Posts: 2,925 Member
    He didn't force you to eat anything, so your going to have to learn discipline, will power and to just warrior the f**k up.
  • emAZn
    emAZn Posts: 413 Member
    Be responsible for your own food choices.. My boyfriend and I eat out multiple times a week. Sometimes I have a half order of fries and a side salad. Sometimes I have a 1/2 dozen chicken wings. Sometimes I have a whole grilled chicken salad with salsa for dressing. Depends on the day and how to make it fit.
  • bf43005
    bf43005 Posts: 287
    I am fortunate that my husband is doing this with me, so I'm not in the same situation, but maybe if you sit down with your husband and really explain to him how important this is to you he will be more supportive. Tell him what your goals are and what you want to do. maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it. Maybe he thought you were doing so well that you deserved a treat. In the long run it's always your decision to make and no one else is responsible, but it helps to have the support. If he isn't doing this with you he might not understand how to give you that support. Best of luck!
  • 33Freya
    33Freya Posts: 468 Member
    You should not blame your husband for your choices. "No thank you," can be part of your vocabulary. You are responsible for yourself and should not expect your man to put his life on hold for your diet. Have a plan and stick to it. If he presses you to go off your diet, just ask him for support instead- "Honey I am trying to keep on track. Will you help me stay on track?" Even if he refuses, you are still responsible for yourself.

    Other than that, splurge now and then, but keep track and try not to go over. Make lifestyle changes that you can live with, because if you are dieting, you'll gain it all back when you stop. Good luck.
  • KinoM
    KinoM Posts: 359 Member
    Did he force you to eat at gunpoint? Did he use emotional blackmail? Or did you simply end up in a few situations where it is easy to make a few bad choices? It's your body & your journey, no one else can do it for you.

    You are going to end up in situations like that again. Take those good decisions you made & make more of them next time. Then more again the following time. Pretty soon you won't have to make the 'tough' decision, it'll be your choice plain and simple.
  • juleszephyr
    juleszephyr Posts: 442 Member
    You are blaming him??? You made the choice to have popcorn and eat everything in sight on Sunday. You have to take responsibility for what YOU put in your mouth.

    There is no need to have Popcorn at the cinema, take a bottle of water.

    Own up to your responsibilities and stop blaming him.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    Not seeing where your husband sabotaged you. It sounds like you both chose what to eat all weekend.

    Listen, you can't expect the world, or even a loving spouse, to keep tempting food out of your sight 24/7. Take this weekend as a trial run in how to manage temptation for the rest of your life. Think back on it -- What, if anything, would have changed your mind? For example, if he'd said "Are you sure?" as you reached for another brownie, would that have helped? I know it would drive me out of my skull, but maybe you're different.

    So, bottom line, unless he's tying you down and shoving the spoon in your mouth, he's not sabotaging you. He's living his life and you have to learn to live yours. One way to handle binge days is just to say fvck it and go wild every once in a while (every once in a LONG while) -- one day won't make you fat, just like one day doesn't make you skinny.
  • LishieFruit89
    LishieFruit89 Posts: 1,956 Member
    Doesn't sound like he sabotaged you at all.
    Sounds like he was merely present at the time.

    Don't blame HIM for YOU not sticking to your plan.
    It is not his fault but your own.
  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,179 Member
    You could have said no..
    You could have made better decisions for your self
  • abickford82
    abickford82 Posts: 207
    It's difficult when there is "peer pressure", but eventually you'll have to learn to make healthy choices if you eat out often. I don't much anymore, but when I do it's a splurge or cheat meal. When I used to, I'd get salads, load up on proteins and veggies, etc. Or if you're just out bring your own food - protein shakes, veggies/meat, wraps, etc. You'll have to find out what works for you. If you do the movies though, just eat the popcorn and soda and consider it a cheat meal. IMO, I wouldn't go to a buffet at all. Till I got married to my husband I would go to one like every couple years but I married someone very active in the church and we go to buffets for many of our functions so I usually see it a few times a year nowadays. Just plan.
  • btwinkles
    btwinkles Posts: 54 Member
    Don't lose heart. the fact is two weeks is pretty early in the process of changing your eating habits. Reprogramming your mind takes time. And so early in the process, falling off your plan can pretty much derail anything you are trying to do. Stay accountable, make a plan to log your food daily, make up your mind and stick with it daily. And Change will come.

    With that said, if your partner is not on the plan with you, know that it is going to be harder for you. Make up your mind that you are no longer eating junk and have someone hold you accountable to that. Right now, my 11-yr-old son holds me accountable. When I'm about to eat something, he asks me if that is on my eating plan. The fact that he asks that question helps me to stop and think, at that moment, whether it's going to be worth it to come off my plan just for instant gratification.
  • AleciaG724
    AleciaG724 Posts: 705 Member
    I am fortunate that my husband is doing this with me, so I'm not in the same situation, but maybe if you sit down with your husband and really explain to him how important this is to you he will be more supportive. Tell him what your goals are and what you want to do. maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it. Maybe he thought you were doing so well that you deserved a treat. In the long run it's always your decision to make and no one else is responsible, but it helps to have the support. If he isn't doing this with you he might not understand how to give you that support. Best of luck!

    QTF - I don't consider this sabotage, you need to communicate with him that these are triggers for you. If you say "No" to those things because you can't control yourself, then he will start to get the picture... Suggest other things you can do together. Go to a restaurant where you can better control your portions & make good choices. Bring a smart snack in to the movies with you (I've brought a small bag of pretzel sticks, nuts & raisins, and actually celery sticks once - that was no fun!). My hubby & I take long hikes and walks together on the weekends, so we have a few extra calories to go out & eat at a restaurant.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Yeah, sadly I dont see how he sabotaged you. I see it more as you got overly hungry and after a few weeks you had a binge. OK, fine, brush yourself off learn from it and get back on. Unfortunately, none of us live in a diet vacuum. We have family, friends, and work. I F'ed up yesterday and shot my blood sugars up because of a pot luck at work. I could blame work, but the fact is I knew what I was getting into and I knew I was going to eat.

    Plan, plan, plan. I noticed you said weekend that's usually my weak point because I'm out of my routine and less planned. It's when I dont have a plan for the day, the meal, or even the next bite, I havent prepped foods, and stop drinking my water that I completely derail.

    It happens, but dont get the defeatist attitude that it's somehow out of your control. It's not. Is it f'en hard? F_CK yeah its hard it's a constant battle.

    You can do it recognize it as a slip up try to learn and push on. Youve got this...best of luck.

    Oh one more thought if you can take control of the families meals cook as much as you can then it makes things much easier. Also portion control if you have to carry measuring cups and a gram scale in your purse so you can stay on track then do it, but that way you can still eat the family meal it will just be easier to stay accountable.
  • asianmonkie
    asianmonkie Posts: 264
    Have you tried talking to him about it? My boyfriend can seem inconsiderate sometimes too when he keeps offering me food knowing full well that I'm on a diet. Though it is your responsibility to control what you eat, he should be supportive and try not to tempt you. My boyfriend eats entire large pizzas in front of me and always offers me fatty foods. It makes me angry but after MULTIPLE (and I mean hundreds!) talks, he finally stopped doing it. He's now eating healthy and exercising with me.

    Just explain to him what your goals are and why it is important to you. I'm very sure he will be more considerate and help you with your journey. Good luck!
  • paulylovesme
    paulylovesme Posts: 170
    Okay maybe I should have elaborated. When I tell him "no thank you" (bc I am totally not an idiot I knew this) He guilts me with BS. Lots and Lots of BS. I try to explain to him that food is like drugs to me. I have to stay away from it and get to a "clean" spot before I can reintroduce stuff. But when I suggest other things he makes me feel like I am just ruining his day. He says things like well you deserve a break or we don't get out much we deserve this! It makes me feel like I am wrong for trying to get healthy. So no he doesn't force feed me at gun point but he does bring it in front of me and pressures me into eating with him. I hope everyone understands that I know I can make my own choices and I do take responsibility for my choices. but If you have never struggled with addiction then it is hard to pass judgement.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    Many of us struggle with addiction daily, so that "don't judge" complaint is right out the window. And you left out all that important information in your first post. so of course you didn't get helpful answers.

    However, the solution is the same: "No thank you." Whatever he says, make your response the "broken record" technique: "Nope. I've hit my limit for today. Next time." Or whatever works. After eight or ten repetitions in the same conversation, he might get tired of it and stop. Or he might not. In which case you just keep saying "Nope."

    It's hard when someone uses emotional tricks on you, but the broken-record technique works for me every time. Eventually they realize how dumb they sound asking the same question over and over when they know what the answer is going to be.
  • paulylovesme
    paulylovesme Posts: 170
    And thank you very much to the posters that understand where I am coming from. It is more than just him bringing it in front of me. It is the guilt trio I get for not eating it. The statements that we are "growing apart" if I try to not eat if I am full. I know he does not mean to but it is a switch. Once I have one chip I want the bag. It is like an addict they can;t just have one. You have to have an understanding of addiction to know where I am coming from!
  • paulylovesme
    paulylovesme Posts: 170
    Many of us struggle with addiction daily, so that "don't judge" complaint is right out the window. And you left out all that important information in your first post. so of course you didn't get helpful answers.

    However, the solution is the same: "No thank you." Whatever he says, make your response the "broken record" technique: "Nope. I've hit my limit for today. Next time." Or whatever works. After eight or ten repetitions in the same conversation, he might get tired of it and stop. Or he might not. In which case you just keep saying "Nope."

    It's hard when someone uses emotional tricks on you, but the broken-record technique works for me every time. Eventually they realize how dumb they sound asking the same question over and over when they know what the answer is going to be.


    Thanks :)
  • sweetcheekz82
    sweetcheekz82 Posts: 30
    My husband was like this at first. He doesn't have to worry about gaining weight like I do so he doesn't understand. There was one time he took the kids and I out for a drive then stopped by DQ to order hamburgers and ice cream. I went in with the kids and him and then sat down. I didn't order anything and I didn't eat anything there. Of course he was upset because I didn't eat with the family. I reminded him that I had told him I didn't want to eat fast food and there was nothing there that I felt comfortable eating. He got over it and now helps to keep tempting foods away from me and the house. I also look at it this way, I am in charge of what comes into my kitchen, I do the grocery shopping and I make the meals. If they don't like what I cook then they have another choice, leave my kitchen table hungry. It's my responsibility to nourish my family and if they are hungry enough they will eat what's put in front of them. I've said it before to my husband, I don't tell you what to do in the garage and how to build things so don't come into my kitchen and tell me how to cook. A few weeks of sticking to my guns and my husband is now eating his veggies. He much rather eat at home then eat out because our meals are healthier, more filling, and taste better. You've gotta buck up and take careof your family and yourself. Your the Mama and you've got to take care of your family even if they fight ya on it.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    Well, if he sees you stop eating before he does and then says "We're growing apart," then yeah, that is one messed-up dynamic and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. Sorry. I don't know how to fix something that is that broken.
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
    Dear OP - the more excuses you make, the longer, further, tougher, and more discouraging it to work towards your goal. That is all.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    And thank you very much to the posters that understand where I am coming from. It is more than just him bringing it in front of me. It is the guilt trio I get for not eating it. The statements that we are "growing apart" if I try to not eat if I am full. I know he does not mean to but it is a switch. Once I have one chip I want the bag. It is like an addict they can;t just have one. You have to have an understanding of addiction to know where I am coming from!

    Ouch he does sound manipulative. "Growing apart" for not eating? Hmmmm very odd sounds insecure.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    Okay maybe I should have elaborated. When I tell him "no thank you" (bc I am totally not an idiot I knew this) He guilts me with BS. Lots and Lots of BS. I try to explain to him that food is like drugs to me. I have to stay away from it and get to a "clean" spot before I can reintroduce stuff. But when I suggest other things he makes me feel like I am just ruining his day. He says things like well you deserve a break or we don't get out much we deserve this! It makes me feel like I am wrong for trying to get healthy. So no he doesn't force feed me at gun point but he does bring it in front of me and pressures me into eating with him. I hope everyone understands that I know I can make my own choices and I do take responsibility for my choices. but If you have never struggled with addiction then it is hard to pass judgement.

    Wow.
  • BeautyDoll
    BeautyDoll Posts: 100 Member
    Hang in there. When you're stronger and further along in your journey it will become more difficult for anything or anyone to take you off track. Stay the course and just try to do better each time. Yes we all make decisions but it can be difficult. Hang in there until you reject it easily.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    Did your husband tie you to a chair and force that food in your mouth? No? Then do NOT blame him for your lack of discipline. That's wrong and uber childish.
  • Mia_RagazzaTosta
    Mia_RagazzaTosta Posts: 4,885 Member
    And thank you very much to the posters that understand where I am coming from. It is more than just him bringing it in front of me. It is the guilt trio I get for not eating it. The statements that we are "growing apart" if I try to not eat if I am full. I know he does not mean to but it is a switch. Once I have one chip I want the bag. It is like an addict they can;t just have one. You have to have an understanding of addiction to know where I am coming from!

    Addiction? No.
  • mmm_drop
    mmm_drop Posts: 1,126 Member
    There is no such thing as sabotage. You either make the right choices or you don't. I really don't think your husband, or anyone for that matter, sits around planning how to derail a person's new healthy life.
  • paulylovesme
    paulylovesme Posts: 170
    Hang in there. When you're stronger and further along in your journey it will become more difficult for anything or anyone to take you off track. Stay the course and just try to do better each time. Yes we all make decisions but it can be difficult. Hang in there until you reject it easily.


    Thank you :)
  • jessiej1980
    jessiej1980 Posts: 37
    You can do it. I totally understand where you are coming from. My hubby likes to make unhealthy food on the nights he cooks, after a long day at work it is hard for me to say I will make something else. Sometimes people DO plan to derail you for their own selfish reasons. Maybe he thinks if you lose weight you will find someone "better" or maybe for another reason....Maybe he is just being selfish himself when getting told no....eiether way..keep doing you because he will not make the changes for you, and he isnt living in your skin...he will either get over it or he wont. Where you go from there is up to you.

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