Helping my 12 year old daughter...

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  • nm212
    nm212 Posts: 570 Member
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    Everyone's advice is good but like they say, be careful on how you approach the topic with her. I also grew up with an older sister that was stick skinny and never had to watch her weight, while I was the chubby one. My Mom and her always made comments at the dinner table on how much I was eating and "am I STILL hungry?". It eroded my self-esteem for a LONG time. I grew up in Florida and was embarrassed to wear a bathing suit at 9 years old. How horrible is that? I was a kid and should have been having fun with my friends at pool parties but instead I hid under large t-shirts and very low self-esteem.

    It wasn't until my Mom and Sister had a different approach that I learned to take better care of my body. My sister actually reached out to me and told me her struggles with body image. This helped because I always thought she had it "easy" and life was "unfair". I could relate to her more and her support really helped , as well as my Mom's. When they BOTH said they need to watch what they eat and we ALL started eating more healthy, that's when I started to get a little confidence back and actually wanted to help myself look and feel better. My mother educated me on healthy foods and my sister also would check in on me and we did weight watchers for a while together. She was positive and fun about it with food ideas etc...

    I think it's great if not only you give your daughter support, but also her siblings. If they can reach out to her, it makes even more of an impact because she can relate to them more and release any jealous or angry feelings she might have (which is natural).

    Good luck though. I'm sure your daughter will learn to love herself more and want to eat healthier food with your love and support.
  • srslybritt
    srslybritt Posts: 1,618 Member
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    All I can say is, you cannot single her out. If she has to "watch what she eats" and eat in a health-conscious way, her sisters should have to, too. It's not a matter of what her sisters' bodies can handle, but it should be a house rule if you have a child that needs to watch their intake. If you allow your other children to eat junk and force celery sticks on your daughter, it could have catastrophic results on her self esteem.
    Make sure she knows you're doing it for her well being, not because you're picking on her, that you think she's ugly, or anything like that.
    Make sure your whole family is making good choices and reinforce her with positive language. Like I said, it's very important to make sure that you don't make her feel like "the fat kid" which could result in emotional or mental problems as a teen and young adult.
    Good luck, tread lightly, and be as kind as possible.

    ETA: Also, remember she's still growing. If she hasn't hit puberty yet, don't worry too much about a little excess pudge, because you never know, she could sprout another 6-8" in the next year.
  • sillygoosie
    sillygoosie Posts: 1,109 Member
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    12 is a rough, rough age. She's about to go through puberty and her body is changing regardless of whether or not she may have a little extra weight (which is TOTALLY normal at 12!!). Focus on her self image right now. It can only get worse from here. Like every one else has said, do not single her out and make it a family thing. Shower her with love and tell her what a wonderful person she is.

    I have an almost 12 year old, and seeing what every girl that age is going through just breaks my heart. We all went through it and they will too, probably worse than we did. It's normal but it doesn't make it suck any less.
  • Chain_Ring
    Chain_Ring Posts: 753 Member
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    man, *kitten* that. Bad idea to hone in on her alone. Make it a family affair, everyone eats good foods and everyone gets to play whatever sport they want.
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    At her age, I would stick to just adding the exercise. Wait a few months and see how much that helps.
  • KatAdele
    KatAdele Posts: 290 Member
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    I have a 12 year old daughter who also takes after my body type and is overweight. She's only 4'10" which doesn't help and she's already developed so I don't know that she will get much taller. It's hard because my other two children are stick thin and taller. We just try to preach nutrition and health to all of them and I am making a concerted effort not to buy the junk I was buying before. We are also having all of them pay attention to portion size and balanced diet. We never say anything about her being overweight although she will sometimes bring it up. It is hard to see that she's going to have this battle though.
  • mnardi123
    mnardi123 Posts: 59 Member
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    Let me clarify something. My kids have more than one snuggle time with me. All three of my kids are very snuggle inclined because that's the way we are as a family. I was just trying to get the workout over with so we could concentrate on the rest of our day which include a snuggle at 8:30 - 8:45 am before I take her to the bus and I head out to work.
  • JeniferEverx3
    JeniferEverx3 Posts: 219 Member
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    In my opinion, I would actually see this as a blessing in disguise. I was super skinny from toddler-age through high school. My family would tell me it wouldn't last forever and when I got older my metabolism would slow down and I'd put on weight. I didn't believe them. Weighing 98lbs from 8th grade until after I graduated I seriously thought it was impossible for me to gain weight. After I graduated I started taking birth control and I gained 25 lbs over a very short period of time. Although I attribute it to the pills, my metabolism has slowed down and my previous eating habits plus drinking alcohol when I was of age (and a little before I was of age) also affected my weight. I gained 90% of my weight in my belly. Since your daughter is already seeing the results of her eating habits and is unhappy, I think she could be easy to motivate into a healthier lifestyle. But when you address it, do so in private, and don't make the conversation about weight gain or appearance. Explain to her what eating healthy and being active does for all people of all ages and sizes. Explain to her that as people age things start to slow down and the body changes, and the best way to take care of your body is to eat healthy and exercise - the sooner you start the better. She may enjoy the healthier food and activity. You can also tell her if SHE is concerned about her weight/appearance, this will make that better too. I would also offer to do things with her like look up recipes and make them together, find something active you both can do for fun like go to your local rec center and play tennis or walk the dog(s) if you have dogs. I wish that as a teenager I would have had something other than people just TELLING me I would gain weight to encourage me to eat healthier and be more active - I would definitely go back and change that if I could. In fact, my younger sister was chubby her whole child/teenhood and now she weighs a little less than I do but all her weight is proportioned and she has an hourglass figure. I wouldn't say I am fat, but all my weight is in my belly and I look perpetually pregnant and have to struggle to find/wear clothes that hide it.
  • AlongCame_Molly
    AlongCame_Molly Posts: 2,835 Member
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    A question for you, OP-- How do you view your own body? Do you complain within earshot of your daughter that you need to lose weight, or say things like "gross, look at my big butt" or comment on how thin and beautiful a certain person is and how you wish you could look like that? That can be damaging for your daughter to hear. My mom did it all the time, without ever realizing I was listening and learning from her how "important" thinness and perfect bodies apparently were. I'm still trying to undo some of that damage. Try to be aware of the messages you may be unconsciously putting out there.

    I think it helps to reinforce to her that all girls are different sizes, even sisters. Remind her that nobody should ever compare themselves to anybody else, and that you should always be the best YOU that you can be.

    I realize how tall an order this is for a young girl constantly getting bombarded with media messages that rail-thin in the only way to be beautiful. And unfortunately it's only going to get worse as she enters her teens, as I'm sure you know. The best thing is to always boost her self esteem, SHOW her (don't just tell) how important you think personality, hard work ethic, and intelligence are versus just looking pretty. If she has a strong person in her life to show her what's really important, she'll be ok.

    And yes to all the suggestions on getting her interested in sports, doing family physical activities, and healthy snacks.
  • kdwilcox1195
    kdwilcox1195 Posts: 21
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    As a mom, I'd suggest changing what you buy at the grocery store. If there isn't junk food in the house, she can't eat it. I think she should start keeping a little notebook of everything she eats with the calories next to it. (you could do that part). You could also 'close' the kitchen after 8pm-no food is allowed to be taken from it, only drinks. That helped in my family a lot :D good luck!
  • Tuala42
    Tuala42 Posts: 274 Member
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    In my opinion, I would actually see this as a blessing in disguise. I was super skinny from toddler-age through high school. My family would tell me it wouldn't last forever and when I got older my metabolism would slow down and I'd put on weight. I didn't believe them. Weighing 98lbs from 8th grade until after I graduated I seriously thought it was impossible for me to gain weight. After I graduated I started taking birth control and I gained 25 lbs over a very short period of time. Although I attribute it to the pills, my metabolism has slowed down and my previous eating habits plus drinking alcohol when I was of age (and a little before I was of age) also affected my weight. I gained 90% of my weight in my belly. Since your daughter is already seeing the results of her eating habits and is unhappy, I think she could be easy to motivate into a healthier lifestyle. But when you address it, do so in private, and don't make the conversation about weight gain or appearance. Explain to her what eating healthy and being active does for all people of all ages and sizes. Explain to her that as people age things start to slow down and the body changes, and the best way to take care of your body is to eat healthy and exercise - the sooner you start the better. She may enjoy the healthier food and activity. You can also tell her if SHE is concerned about her weight/appearance, this will make that better too. I would also offer to do things with her like look up recipes and make them together, find something active you both can do for fun like go to your local rec center and play tennis or walk the dog(s) if you have dogs. I wish that as a teenager I would have had something other than people just TELLING me I would gain weight to encourage me to eat healthier and be more active - I would definitely go back and change that if I could. In fact, my younger sister was chubby her whole child/teenhood and now she weighs a little less than I do but all her weight is proportioned and she has an hourglass figure. I wouldn't say I am fat, but all my weight is in my belly and I look perpetually pregnant and have to struggle to find/wear clothes that hide it.


    This is what I've told my twin daughters. They take after their dad in build and are stocky (boy do they get frustrated at their dad for that!) , and at age 12 it has really started to bother them. We've talked to their dr about their weight and eating healthy, etc as it has gotten to the point where it needs to be a concern. We talk alot about eating healthy, have treats in moderation, and I do my best to gently encourage regular exercise even though they hate sports. We'll do things like wii just dance together, go hiking in good weather, etc. I have told them for at least a couple of years now that they'll have the advantage over their friends when they get older, as they already are learning what healthy eating is all about, and enjoy many healthy foods, but their friends for the most part seem to eat only junk food. They're both very strong for their age and I make a big deal out of that, brag on them as much as I can! One of them even beat their 19 yr old male cousin at arm wrestling, and he was in wrestling in high school! And of course they are gorgeous half asian girls, so I make a big deal out of that too.
  • bumblebreezy91
    bumblebreezy91 Posts: 520 Member
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    I'd keep the 20-minute snuggle session (it was only 10 years ago that I was 12, and I would see replacing the affectionate activity with exercise as punishment, especially if my siblings didn't have to do that) and find another way to include the whole family in a new healthy lifestyle so your 12-year-old doesn't feel singled out. Gut the cupboards, pantry, fridge, freezer and drawers off any junk food and start replacing it with healthier options, make it a household thing and let your daughter follow your new, healthier example. Start taking family walks or find an indoor pool and get a membership (if you live in a college town, look at the university pool because they usually give great community discounts and have family memberships). Maybe your kids would be interested in karate, dance, or another activity. Or if you have Wii-Fit, take an hour when everyone is home and play--each person could get ~15 minutes of exercise in. Supplement the kids' morning school routine if you can--could they walk to school if they aren't already? If not, can you walk around the block with them every morning before they need to be at the bus stop or before you drive them?

    I think it's great that you're looking to be mindful when approaching this. My brother and I (and my sister before she passed away) were always thin, active children. I stayed thinner than him as a pre-teen, but then I started gaining weight in middle school and he had a growth spurt and has been tall & lanky ever since, whereas I've been a yo-yo dieter up until now (I consider this my longest, most sincere attempt to lose weight). It's good to address this now! :)
  • bumblebreezy91
    bumblebreezy91 Posts: 520 Member
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    I'd keep the 20-minute snuggle session (it was only 10 years ago that I was 12, and I would see replacing the affectionate activity with exercise as punishment, especially if my siblings didn't have to do that) and find another way to include the whole family in a new healthy lifestyle so your 12-year-old doesn't feel singled out. Gut the cupboards, pantry, fridge, freezer and drawers off any junk food and start replacing it with healthier options, make it a household thing and let your daughter follow your new, healthier example. Start taking family walks or find an indoor pool and get a membership (if you live in a college town, look at the university pool because they usually give great community discounts and have family memberships). Maybe your kids would be interested in karate, dance, or another activity. Or if you have Wii-Fit, take an hour when everyone is home and play--each person could get ~15 minutes of exercise in. Supplement the kids' morning school routine if you can--could they walk to school if they aren't already? If not, can you walk around the block with them every morning before they need to be at the bus stop or before you drive them?

    I think it's great that you're looking to be mindful when approaching this. My brother and I (and my sister before she passed away) were always thin, active children. I stayed thinner than him as a pre-teen, but then I started gaining weight in middle school and he had a growth spurt and has been tall & lanky ever since, whereas I've been a yo-yo dieter up until now (I consider this my longest, most sincere attempt to lose weight). It's good to address this now! :)
  • drshona
    drshona Posts: 52 Member
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    There's some good practical advice here:

    http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/childhealth6-15/Pages/child-health-measurement-programme-overweight-advice.aspx

    2 things that I don't think anyone has mentioned and are discussed on the above page are

    1. Screen time - inactivity (often whilst watching tv or on computer) has a big impact. Studies have shown that focussing on cutting the amount of screen time (rather than increasing exercise) helps with overweight children.

    2. Sleep - again, studies show that not getting enough sleep increases the risk of obesity in children.
  • gigglesinthesun
    gigglesinthesun Posts: 860 Member
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    pudgy 12 year olds do not automatically equal pudgy adults and more importantly skinny 12 years olds do not equal skinny adults.

    By all means provide healthy food at home and increase exercise, but I was under the impression unless you have a morbidly obese child it is not recommended cutting calories, but rather increasing exercise. I would find a sport the child likes and support her in those activities. Or add some fun activities for the whole family.

    I will tell you this though I was a pudgy teenager and my sister was the skinny one and all the well-meaning suggestions and 'helpful' advice were like a thousand little cuts into my self-esteem. It took me years to try and not let my weight define me and only after I gained that acceptance was I able to successfully manage my weight without resorting to extreme measures. It's funny now though I am the only one of a normal weight in the family :-)
  • cuinboston2014
    cuinboston2014 Posts: 848 Member
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    First of all - Kudos to you for putting yourself out there and sharing a struggle that so many parents have.

    I want to say to encourage her to be active not only physically but in the kitchen as well. Bond with her over the whole experience of food in a healthy way. Take her to the store for healthy ingredients and bake/cook things she enjoys that she can help with. She will likely take pleasure in what she can make.

    Or she'll hate it. lol but you could try it.

    And as others said, make sure you talk positively about yourself. I absolutely HATE my body. But, when my daughter is around it's not about being fat or skinny it's all about being healthy. She rarely hears me say the word skinny. She's got some extra weight, too that I am trying to get her to grow out of but she's only 7.

    She also knows what protein is and a rough idea of calories. She knows what fat is. This is partly because I'm in school to be a dietitian so I just spurt things out sometimes. But it's partly because I do believe it's helpful for her to know WHY i want her to eat something or not. In addition to picking colorful foods she knows we want foods that have high protein, lower fat usually. And treats are an exception. It's something to consider, especially being 12. If she is concerned about her appearance, not just weight, you can say things like this is a food that will help your skin stay healthy. Whatever it is.

    It is a tough age. You can't necessarily "trick" them into working out. WIth my daughter we have a contest to see who can do the most jumping jacks, or sit ups or whatever - she doesn't do them right but I don't care. She's moving. That's what I want.

    I do applaud you for taking control. Tread lightly. Talk to your child's doctor for advice that they may have regarding the subject. They will just be happy that you are working to prevent obesity and unhealthy habits.

    And open the conversation with her about why she said she hates her body. Ask her what she needs from you to be able to be on the same field and working in the right direction!

    Good luck!
  • JraeL91
    JraeL91 Posts: 38
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    So I've put this out to MFP friends and now I'm putting this out to all of you....
    I have an 12 year old who takes after her mom when it comes to food. I'd say she has a few extra pounds on her belly but nothing insurmountable. However she feels it's unfair that her sister's don't have to watch what they eat and she does. This morning she started to cry and said, "I don't like myself". How do I avoid being that mom who oversees everything she eats (like my mom did and I REALLY resented) yet get her to loose the weight? I just want to teach her good nutrition so weight will never be an issue and in the course of doing so have her loose a couple of pounds. We've decided that instead of a 20 minute snuggle in the mornings we would exercise and we would plan her lunch the night before. Any other suggestions?

    Make it an entire family change/ restriction rather than singling her out. Sadly they shouldn't be having body issues that young our society sucks that way forcing children to think in such a manner. Family outings (walks, bike rides, swimming at the Y).
  • carebears1973
    carebears1973 Posts: 63 Member
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    Please don't miss out on snuggles in the morning, they are so important to children and your daughter may see it as a punishment if she is missing out on loving time with mum so she can exercise, and that will make her resent exercise too.

    I have a friend who had had a similar concern, she chose to allow her child to eat the same as everyone else but gently made the portion slightly less so the child didn't really notice. There is always a risk of a child developing an eating disorder when too much emphasis is put upon food.

    How about exercising together as you suggest, playing 'just dance' games on the x box or swimming, going for walks together, so the word 'exercise' isn't used and it's just seen as something fun to do together.

    You are teaching your child how to eat a healthy balanced diet which is fantastic, be proud of yourself for that. I cook with my children regularly and they really enjoy cooking and the time we spend together. This week we made homemade soups in different flavours and it was lovely to see the enthusiasm for healthy eating and cooking. Do you cook with your children? You probably do anyway, but thought I'd suggest it.

    As you have said, you understand her feelings, so just try and increase her exercise regime and let her eat healthily most of the time, she's only young and it's ok to have treats sometimes.

    Good luck with it xx
  • dswolverine
    dswolverine Posts: 246 Member
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    I can relate- I was the chunky one while my sister was (and still is) stick thin. My parents would guilt the hell out of me even as a kid about eating too much and how i was putting myself at risk for diabetes....good stuff. I wouldn't necessarily recommend this route, but I would encourage the entire family to eat healthy and to exercise together, if possible. That way no one is 'exempt' from it and it will make your daughter feel better about herself. Personally, one day i just made the decision that I didn't want to be heavy anymore and dieted on my own. It wasn't really anything my parents said or did that made it happen, I made the choice alone.
  • spirytwynd
    spirytwynd Posts: 141 Member
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    Coming from a single dad point of view, keep it up and stay strong. Even if the other members of the family don't need to watch what they are eating, have everyone playing the same game. Build healthy habits for the whole family. In addition to a common path where nutrition is concerned, perhaps you can promote common family activities as well. Each member of the family will have interests that they don't share with the rest of the family, but find some common ground, and to the best of your ability, make it fun. Kids deserve to have fun and be kids. Good luck. I would love to know what you come up with. The world is before you, the path is yours to choose.

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