The sabotaging partner

My wife and I always tried to sabotage each other all the time. If one of us was trying to be good, the other wasn't. It's been like this for years, but we're both now working together to do better.

For example, we were going out last Saturday night...and we knew it was a blow off meal. We were both going to enjoy ourselves, eat some rich food and have some wine. No big deal. We just played smart the rest of the day. We knew that we would probably be in the neighborhood of 1000-1200 calories for dinner, so each of us ate our food the rest of the day accordingly to try and get as close as possible. Both of us went over a little bit, but it was way better than completely going off the deep end or endlessly worrying about it.

If you're husband still wants to eat some bad food, that's fine...just tell him to wait a day or ask earlier so you can be better prepared.

First...I'd like to welcome you to the MFP forums. I know it seems like people are attacking you, but please understand that A LOT of these people have been here a very, very long time, and they have seen "tough love" work wonders. And honestly, when it comes to your own health...it's going to take some tough love...from YOURSELF...to get to where you want to be.

Second, let's do a hypothetical here: say your husband WAS on board with you. Guess what! Unfortunately for us girls, men can eat a LOT more and LOSE a lot more. In fact, it is sometimes HARDER to be on this journey with your husband because...I'm speaking from experience...they will lose weight if they BLINK, while you feel like you're working your tail off and you gain a pound in a week! (I know...it's not that way for EVERYONE...but it is an extremely common occurrence.) That being said, having your hubby on "board" so to speak...well, that's not for you to change. Either he's going to be for it, or he's going to be against it. There could be a thousand different reasons why he isn't on board. Maybe he's threatened by you wanting to look better? Maybe you guys "connected" over food before, and your sudden decision to take that away scares him? Maybe he thinks you're perfect the way you are, and because he's not educated on how difficult it is to lose weight for us, maybe he doesn't understand why you CAN'T have a "treat"?

Try putting yourself in his shoes. Give him some time to get used to a new lifestyle...because that's what this is! Food...especially to people who view food as an "addiction"...is a way to spend time together in our society these days. So, if you guys can't go out to eat...find other things to do together. Make him a PART of your challenge/journey because whether you like it or not...he's a part of it. Period. You may think, "This is MY thing. I need to do this MY way." Well, in his mind...he might find that threatening...and being a man...it's highly unlikely that he's going to say, "That threatens me, and I'm scared of it." You know? Try not to take everyone's comments too harshly...understand that a lot of the people here on MFP have been here for a very long time, and they have see excuse after excuse for people not staying on track. So, their automatic response is going to be, "This is up to YOU, and no one else."

Bottom line...it truly IS up to you to put your foot down. However, I would suggest doing it in a way that doesn't threaten your husband...which leads to guilt trips from him. Try finding a good time of the day when you're both relaxed and happy, and tell him that you need his help with something. Men LOVE to help. Tell him that you can't do this without his support, and you need him to help you along the way because you want to be a better woman for yourself AND for him. At the end of the day, though, it is your responsibility to make this happen. Ok...so this weekend sucked. It's over. Done. Gone. You can't go back and change it. So...try a different approach. And KEEP trying different things until you find something that works. If you are just starting out, I would suggest challenges that incorporate your hubs. Also...in the long run...ask yourself if not eating out for 30 days is TRULY a realistic goal for you. If so, then get after it and let nothing and no one stand in your way. However, if it's unlikely that this is a challenge that you can maintain for 30 days...AND...you think that AFTER those 30 days are up, you won't have better habits that you can abide by...then I would suggest that you continue to go out to eat...but you look up your favorite places online before you leave the house, plan to order the healthiest thing on the menu, or something that fits your nutrition plan (NOT A DIET!!!!) and immediately ask for a to-go box as soon as you get there. Put half the meal in the box for you or your hubs to eat the next day, and enjoy!!

Good luck to you! Hopefully, you can come up with some ways to express to your husband how you feel without making him feel like his whole world is going to fall down around him.

I agree with those that are saying "sabotage" is really not the right word, but certainly seems like "non-supportive" fits in here very well if he is actually working to throw a guilt trip your way about your eating habits. That is assuming you are not trying to force him in to your own food choices, not allowing things in the house that he wants etc, then that's a different story.

Were you "guilted" in to eating the movie popcorn? That seems a bit strange if so; I can't see how it affects him if you don't eat any. The Chinese food restaurant is a tough one. How far ahead of time did you know about it? Perhaps a sit-down with him to discuss a compromise about letting you know well ahead of time so you can plan.

The next day...well, only you know what happened.

Just dust yourself off and keep moving along. Look forward, not back, and hopefully you and hubby can work something out :flowerforyou:

ETA (sorry if you answered this already and I missed it): When you joined up with the 30-day challenge, did you ask him first what he thought about it? Not that you need his permission, but like it or not, he's along for that ride and deserved at least a say. Good luck hon!

Okay maybe I should have elaborated. When I tell him "no thank you" (bc I am totally not an idiot I knew this) He guilts me with BS. Lots and Lots of BS. I try to explain to him that food is like drugs to me. I have to stay away from it and get to a "clean" spot before I can reintroduce stuff. But when I suggest other things he makes me feel like I am just ruining his day. He says things like well you deserve a break or we don't get out much we deserve this! It makes me feel like I am wrong for trying to get healthy. So no he doesn't force feed me at gun point but he does bring it in front of me and pressures me into eating with him. I hope everyone understands that I know I can make my own choices and I do take responsibility for my choices. but If you have never struggled with addiction then it is hard to pass judgement.
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He pressures you so you give up because you can't hold your ground? so how are you going to teach your children to say NO to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, even under peer pressure, if you can't do the same with food. Think about it!

I think a lot of people on this thread are being rude. While you can make better choices....it is hard when your partner asks you out to say no or to refuse things like popcorn and soda at the movies. What you COULD do....is make sure that you have a game plan for those times. If you know you're going to be going out to eat for dinner...make sure you eat well before hand. It's okay to have "cheat days" as long as you get right back to your healthy plan the next day. Eventually....your body will actually reject bad food. It's happened to me.

Relax. My husband is in great shape and can pretty much eat anything because of his metabolism. I know that he doesn't do things on purpose but, it IS hard.

Stay strong and just know that mistakes will be made that doesn't mean you're a complete failure. It means you're human

It's hard when someone sabotages, pushes food, brings unhealthy food home, etc. My kid is killing me by bringing oreo cookies home (I have been craving them since July). Well, I ate one this week, but I choose to only eat one. Gotta find the will. The self control. It's hard.

Also, I had hubby jump on board with losing weight with me, so he no longer sabotages, instead, now he just just questions if I'm going to eat something different than him (he even questioned why i only ate two pieces of our keto pizza with a salad, rather than four pizza pieces like him!).

You have to find a way to not allow yourself to be controlled - by hubby, by food, by whatever the addiction is. It's hard, but can be broken. I'm a work in progress with hubby not controlling things and it's getting easier and happier after just a month.

Good Luck!

Your husband didn't sabotage you. He treated you out to a nice movie and dinner. Then you decided to throw in the towel and binge.


Until you learn to take responsibility for your actions, you will be stuck in this cycle for a long time.

Hi.
I completely understand what your saying. I tell my husband that he's sabotaging me all the time. I use to cave when he would pick up McDonald's for breakfast or what not, but i have learned to resistant the temptation. It's definitely not easy. It's also annoying when he's chowing down on a disgustingly delicious fast food burger and I'm eating broccoli and chicken salad.

Here's what I do to help me get through the cravings that my husband brings upon me:
1. I nonchalantly inform him about some facts or a study that I found on an "awareness" website about the food he is eating. For example, If he brings home McDonalds I'll say; "Ohh that looks so good even though I know it's not even real chicken. Actually today I was reading an article about a study that was done on the stuff they call "chicken" at McDonalds. They call it pink slime. Ohh wait, I'll pull up the video for you." Then I literally pull up the video. Ha ha, point for me. I'm evil I know.

2. If he offers me any kind of junk food I'll say, " No thanks, I have overcome the processed food addiction. You know they literally add additives in that to keep your body craving that junk? It's such a conspiracy. Sad how so many oblivious people are still hooked on it...poor fools. Well on the plus side, the insurance companies are making a fortune off of all the health issuers that this type or artificial food brings." (I don't know if anything i'm telling him is actually true..I just fake it.

So you get the point. lol In reality I really want to jump across the table like a wild animal and eat whatever he is eating. This is just the way I release my annoyance of the situation without caving. Long story short: I make him feel bad about whatever he 's eating because I want it and can't have it without feeling guilty. So, counter attacking him in a passive aggressive way makes up for not eating what he's eating.

sick I know....but it works

God people on here are so mean! Its really hard to live with someone that shares meals with you and isn't sticking to the same diet. Its almost impossible to stick to your diet, but it could be done. This is something I struggle with also. When I cook dinner, my boyfriend is stuck eating the healthy things I eat, and I can ask him not to bring junk into the house but at the end of the day, I have to say NO a lot. He's always offering me crap. Just remember, you both are not on the same path or journey toward weight loss so you can't eat the same things.