My daughter has an eating disorder.

2»

Replies

  • ploppersdf1
    ploppersdf1 Posts: 89 Member
    Ok first of all, I'm sorry that your daughter is going through this. While she does need therapy, you need to let her decide that for herself. I know that you are concerned for her but taking away her control should be the very last resort. It will make her distrust you and she won't turn to you. The fact that she told you is a sign that she is seeking help whether it be subconsciously or consciously. You need to listen to her. If she doesn't want to talk, don't force it. She obviously has a lot to deal with. Ask her straight out if her goal is to die. If her goal is to die then you should definitely be highly concerned and get her to go into treatment. If not, she will eat on her own accord. (The no cooking is obviously just an excuse). You need to be there for her. Let her know you love her. But don't let this be the only thing you talk about with her. She'll start to regress and she won't open up to you. Ask her about her safe foods and keep them readily available. She will have foods she feel that she can eat without guilt, make sure they are around. Let her know you are concerned for her, but you trust her ability to decide what's best for herself, even if every second you ar watching her food intake like a hawk, don't let her see that. She needs to feel like she is in control, and you want to leave her as much control as possible while she is getting to the root of the cause of her anorexia. Fixing the cause of the disease is just as if not more important than fixing the symptoms. Because if you don't fix the cause it will keep coming back worse and worse.
  • ErinMLB
    ErinMLB Posts: 100 Member
    I know that a lot of people are giving fantastic advice about your daughter, but I just wanted to say that I cannot imagine how stressful this must be for you, do you have an outlet for this stress, maybe once she is able to start focus on getting the help she needs, family counselling would be good.



    I do hope that she is able to get the help that she needs. Make sure understands that this is a medical issue, it's not silly. If she had diabetes she would hopefully go to get help for that,, so it's okay to get help with this.
  • SailorKnightWing
    SailorKnightWing Posts: 875 Member
    If she had a baby nine months ago, I wonder if this eating disorder is a manifestation of postpartum depression?
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    If she had a baby nine months ago, I wonder if this eating disorder is a manifestation of postpartum depression?

    ^^ Thinking the same. I had postnatal depression for 14mths after my daughter was born, & it didn't strike till she was 2mths old. I lost a lot of weight very quickly due to a general lack of interest in myself. I became very apathetic towards most things including eating. I was also living with my mum at the time & it was a vicious circle due to her wanting to support me & help with my daughter. However, maybe too much help was given (with the very best motives) & that had a knock on effect on me.
  • degullion
    degullion Posts: 1
    Just replying from my experience.....I am 51 yrs. old and have had an eating disorder since I was 14 yrs. I had suffered my first anorexic episode at 14 when no one knew what "it" was. Then, again, at 18. And over the years I have relapsed. But, I have since went on to marry and have 3 children.

    What I can say about this disease is that it is a disease. A person never "gets over it", but, hopefully, will learn to live a healthier life.
    It's not about the food. Food is not the solution to the underlying problem. It has to do with having control over something in your life. Of feeling like you can accomplish something and only you have the power to do it and prove to everyone you can do it.

    It is a life-long battle. There are no easy solutions. I still worry about my weight and I get obsessive about exercise. However,
    I know now that if it's weight that I want to control and to lose, that I need to eat to keep my metabolism up, which then burns more calories. I have learned that muscle is needed to burn fat. When you are anorexic you lose not only fat, but muscle.

    As I said, I am 51 and still battle the control of food / weight. Wanting to control it, but it can take control of me.

    Just continue being supportive, but forcing the food is not the answer. That will only make the anorexic to exert more control.
    It can be controlled and a person can come to realize that the anorexia really has the control over them. But, the person will have to keep the mind control in check.
  • alexandriax03
    alexandriax03 Posts: 289 Member
    I understand she's your daughter and she is clearly not in any way, shape, or form capable of taking care of herself, let alone a baby right now, but her living with you is not helping her situation.

    She seems to be very dependent on you. No license, no car, no job… and she has a child she needs to provide for. You taking care of her and her child, is not teaching her how to be a responsible adult. She NEEDS to take care of her responsibilities.

    She needs inpatient therapy… no ifs, ands, or buts. She's a harm to herself and her child. Since she is above 18, you obviously can't make her go to therapy. But you can call someone and tell them you are concerned with your daughters well-being and they will come pick her up and check her into an inpatient facility where she will stay and be monitored 24/7.

    If she has a drug addiction, why hasn't she been to an inpatient program already? Some drugs cause weight loss and they make people not want to eat.

    I'd suggest cooking a big fancy schmancy 5 course meal for you, your husband, your daughter, her boyfriend, and whoever else is in your family. Start with a simple salad… make some chicken or salmon with rice and a veggie. Then have a dessert prepared… brownies with ice cream or white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. Something YOU KNOW SHE LIKES. Make sure you let her know you will be preparing a family dinner that she needs to be at. This will give you the opportunity to see if she eats.

    Regardless of whether she eats or not, she still needs the therapy. If you are this concerned about your daughters health, YOU need to take her to her therapy sessions. You are her mother and since she is living under your roof still, you are technically responsible.
  • theoriginaljayne
    theoriginaljayne Posts: 559 Member
    Your daughter is clearly a grown woman with responsibilities. You need to sit her down and tell her that her behavior is destructive not only to her, but to you and her child. Ultimately the decision to change must be hers. But as long as she is living under your roof you need to make it clear you will not tolerate her starving herself.

    This

    As a recovered anorexic… This isn't likely to work.

    She needs professional help. Going grocery shopping with her, threatening her to "get better or else," etc. will not be productive; right now, she just isn't able to make decisions in the way that you or I would. But she's an adult and it doesn't seem that her life is in immediate danger, so you can't force her into treatment. She needs to voluntarily accept help.

    These is just a guess on my part and may be totally off-base, but if anything is going to convince her to seek treatment, it's probably her child. If her health deteriorates, the child is going to suffer and you/someone will need to intervene. She may not be willing or able to recover for your benefit, or her boyfriend's, or her own; but she might be willing to try for the sake of her child.

    Recovery is an enormous, intimidating obstacle, but you can make it seem more manageable. Help her search for and get access to a therapist or treatment program. They'll let you know how you can help her/what changes you may need to make at home. Seriously, trust the professionals; they know what's best for her. And then settle in for the struggle, because recovery is not linear and is never easy and, I'm sorry to say, isn't always successful.

    And a reminder: people with anorexia don't choose it. They can't turn it on and off like a light switch; they don't "decide" to eat or not eat. Many people find this difficult to understand, and they can become frustrated when someone struggles with recovery. Just know that she's not "acting out" or "being difficult." It's terrifying inside her head right now.
  • rosanna421
    rosanna421 Posts: 65 Member
    I agree with what others are saying, she has no control over her life. this happened to me last year graduating from college, my dieting turning into an eating disorder, and trust me i found ways to hide it from my parents and family, however they started noticing something was wrong, even people who didnt know me or distant family members noticed it in my pictures, i looked like a ghost. i would move her back home and help her get some stability first in addition to getting help for the disorder. she needs to get out of her eating disorder before it becomes habit.
  • theoriginaljayne
    theoriginaljayne Posts: 559 Member
    I'd suggest cooking a big fancy schmancy 5 course meal for you, your husband, your daughter, her boyfriend, and whoever else is in your family. Start with a simple salad… make some chicken or salmon with rice and a veggie. Then have a dessert prepared… brownies with ice cream or white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. Something YOU KNOW SHE LIKES. Make sure you let her know you will be preparing a family dinner that she needs to be at.

    Oh dear.
    No.
    No, no, no.

    Please do not do this.
  • leslisa
    leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
    If she had a baby nine months ago, I wonder if this eating disorder is a manifestation of postpartum depression?

    Hmm. Good thought right there. And even if not postpartum depression life after baby is stressful in so many other ways.

    Was eating disorder present before birth of baby?
  • leslisa
    leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
    I'd suggest cooking a big fancy schmancy 5 course meal for you, your husband, your daughter, her boyfriend, and whoever else is in your family. Start with a simple salad… make some chicken or salmon with rice and a veggie. Then have a dessert prepared… brownies with ice cream or white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. Something YOU KNOW SHE LIKES. Make sure you let her know you will be preparing a family dinner that she needs to be at.

    Oh dear.
    No.
    No, no, no.

    Please do not do this.

    I'm guessing the person who said make a big dinner doesn't have experience with eating disorders.
  • lilbuddha007
    lilbuddha007 Posts: 30 Member
    as someone who is also 5'5" and used to be anorexic (down to 95 pounds), I'm not certain that she is, yet, but given the information, could be on her way there. If her reason really is that no one cooks, I wouldn't be so concerned, but going to the store and cooking with her would be the first thing I would suggest. If it continues, then be concerned. If she starts eating, maybe it really was more of a matter of picky eating. Encourage her to either talk to her doctor or see if that doctor will recommend someone closer. Best wishes to you both!

    ^This. I also suffered from an eating disorder and did not stop until I was hospitalized. The key points are above:
    1) IF you aren't sure if she does have an eating disorder... it's true she may be incredibly stressed, and busy, and depressed, and worried about saving money, therefore losing weight AND not cooking for herself. So the suggestion to cook with her, schedule a family dinner, is a good one. Ultimately she did tell you her weight so if she has the beginnings of a problem, I think telling you the weight was indeed the 'cry for help.' As a former anorexic I constantly lied about my weight and certainly would never volunteer the information.
    2) If you do think she has an eating disorder, then there is only way out of that hole and it's counseling. Or a brush with death worked for me, but I don't recommend it. The causes of eating disorders are not really about food - it wasn't for me or for anyone else i've ever talked with. It can be hard to pinpoint what the source is (depression, hopelessness, anger, etc..)

    I think placing pressure before you're sure it's an eating disorder might provoke resentment and make it harder for you to actually help. Try the meal thing, try to be a friend, and see what's going on first.

    Advice on something like this is really difficult because without knowing you or her, people cannot know what your relationship is really like. You don't say if this is a temporary gig. You dont say if your daughter has had depression issues before. etc etc. there may be a pattern in her of 'acting out' and in you of enabling but we don't know that. But all the people with eating disorders now or since say that it won't go away without therapy.
  • XC_Guitar17
    XC_Guitar17 Posts: 93
    crystalfrancie wrote: »
    I will use some tough love on you, Mom. The fact that the doctor is 1.5 hours away is not an excuse not to go.

    Do you drive? Can you drive your daughter to get help so she feels that SOMEONE'S ON HER SIDE? Having other responsibilities is NOT an excuse not to see that her medical and psychological needs are met.

    Love is a verb, not just a feeling. That means when you love someone and they're in trouble, you TAKE ACTION. She obviously can't make the best decision for herself right now so that's where YOU step in, Mom.

    Anorexia is the most fatal of all psychological disorders. Anorexia could be the root of ALL her troubles.

    I have a friend whose daughter was treated for anorexia. The mom is a single mom with a fulltime job who is responsible for another child and aging parents. She managed to get her child daily to a treatment program - it was over an hour's drive each way - for months on end. At times she made arrangements with responsible friends or family members to get her daughter to-and-from. She somehow managed to get her daughter to treatment daily and thus deliver the message to her daughter that "this is hard work for me but you are worth it". Other parents in this treatment program faced the same challenges of a long drive and other responsibilities but they, too, managed it.

    If you don't help your daughter, who will? If you don't behave as if this is a life-threatening condition, who will?

    No one loves their child more than a parent. She needs to know that she has you to count on, and that she is worth all the trouble.Don't drop the ball.

    I suggest meeting with a knowledgeable, understanding physician who can lead you through this treatment, and push for answers, results and treatment.

    Nothing you have to do today is more important than getting your daughter the help she needs. Good luck.

    I have to agree with this. If she doesn't get help, she could die. Like Crystal said, eating disorders are the MOST FATAL of all psychological disorders. She needs help ASAP, especially if there are other addiction problems, as you (Mom) mentioned.
  • iwearthejumper32
    iwearthejumper32 Posts: 57 Member
    Addictive issues. Hmm. Please dont rule out drugs being the primary issue... weight loss as a side effect. And Im sorry to be blunt but tough love is not letting her live in your house with her child and boyfriend while you wait for her to get her life straight. You said it yourself- she is an adult, making adult choices. There isn't any motivation for her... until you stop bailing her out. I wish you the best and hope you can find the strength to let go of a situation that you cannot control.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories