My daughter has an eating disorder.

as someone who is also 5'5" and used to be anorexic (down to 95 pounds), I'm not certain that she is, yet, but given the information, could be on her way there. If her reason really is that no one cooks, I wouldn't be so concerned, but going to the store and cooking with her would be the first thing I would suggest. If it continues, then be concerned. If she starts eating, maybe it really was more of a matter of picky eating. Encourage her to either talk to her doctor or see if that doctor will recommend someone closer. Best wishes to you both!

You should put her in counseling, not seek for an answer on an internet forum.

You should put her in counseling, not seek for an answer on an internet forum.

And how do you suggest she "puts" an adult into counselling without her consent?

I am sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I really don't have any advice as I have never been there, good luck to both of you.

Why doesn't she have a driver's license or a job and what other addiction issues does she have?

My daughter is in an eating treatment center in Colorado right now and it is not local to where we live.
I have come to the conclusion a lot of her problems are not anorexia as much as a choice to live dysfunctionnally.
She never could move away from home to go to college.

My husband and I have decided since we are on retirement now and have literally run out of money to help
her, that when she comes home, we will pay for her to live separately from us in her own apartment
and we will do this only for a limited time while she finds a job. After so much money we paid
for therapists and nutritionists for over a decade and her never doing what she was told to do, and after
this treatment center, she will need to realize if she is not "over it" to where she can function in society,
then she will need to go to AA and do their 12-step program which will work and it is free. Our daughter
is not "one of those people" and we realize this, but that's all we can do for her. She chose not to help herself
for so long, has been through failed relationships, including marriages, and her use of unprotected sex is
a "hallmark" of her problem. We have told her we won't raise any children out of hers she refuses to take care
of and we won't. I know of too many people raising their kid's kids. I never saw that when I was a child. So
this is something that is happening now with our generation and it is not right.

I think we don't do things like our parents did and we are suffering as a nation. Anorexia is basically
an American and Japanese phenomena and after 12 years of trying to help our daughter, we are now
searching for boundaries to save ourselves, both financially and medically. We are both in our 60s and
this has taken at least 10 years off of our lives.

We used to be so "caught up in the drama" and always trying to "fix it". Now it will be up to our daughter
to fix it herself and the consequences will be very bad for her if she chooses not to, since she won't be in
our lives.

That is tough love. What you are doing is not tough love. I realize I sound heartless but I am totally powerless
over this disease. All I can have any power over is the program I choose to follow which is a healthy lifestyle
with or without her.

Good luck and I do wish the very best for you but having her live at home with her boyfriend and child for
any reason is not a good idea in my view. It's time she be able to get her own license, get a job and figure
out what to do about getting a car and also that boyfriend.

She wont go, she won't admit it fully.
You cannot force her, she has to cave a little.

For me..no choice. I fainted at practice, taken to a hospital. It was very evident what was wrong with me and I was kept there, moved to a treatment facility.
This facility 3 states away, distance shouldn't matter if she is truly sick.
Talking to someone about issues didn't come easy, but eventually I got there. And that is truly what saved me. I suffer everyday, I want to fall back. But I don't because the people behind won't let me, and I am scared to get back to where I was. I was released from treatment 4 months ago, and am thinking of going back in weekly to support groups. I was in the facility for 9 months and have been receiving treatment for 3 years.
It's a battle, and you need to get on board. Drive her to the doctor if you truly care.

Ok first of all, I'm sorry that your daughter is going through this. While she does need therapy, you need to let her decide that for herself. I know that you are concerned for her but taking away her control should be the very last resort. It will make her distrust you and she won't turn to you. The fact that she told you is a sign that she is seeking help whether it be subconsciously or consciously. You need to listen to her. If she doesn't want to talk, don't force it. She obviously has a lot to deal with. Ask her straight out if her goal is to die. If her goal is to die then you should definitely be highly concerned and get her to go into treatment. If not, she will eat on her own accord. (The no cooking is obviously just an excuse). You need to be there for her. Let her know you love her. But don't let this be the only thing you talk about with her. She'll start to regress and she won't open up to you. Ask her about her safe foods and keep them readily available. She will have foods she feel that she can eat without guilt, make sure they are around. Let her know you are concerned for her, but you trust her ability to decide what's best for herself, even if every second you ar watching her food intake like a hawk, don't let her see that. She needs to feel like she is in control, and you want to leave her as much control as possible while she is getting to the root of the cause of her anorexia. Fixing the cause of the disease is just as if not more important than fixing the symptoms. Because if you don't fix the cause it will keep coming back worse and worse.

If she had a baby nine months ago, I wonder if this eating disorder is a manifestation of postpartum depression?

Just replying from my experience.....I am 51 yrs. old and have had an eating disorder since I was 14 yrs. I had suffered my first anorexic episode at 14 when no one knew what "it" was. Then, again, at 18. And over the years I have relapsed. But, I have since went on to marry and have 3 children.

What I can say about this disease is that it is a disease. A person never "gets over it", but, hopefully, will learn to live a healthier life.
It's not about the food. Food is not the solution to the underlying problem. It has to do with having control over something in your life. Of feeling like you can accomplish something and only you have the power to do it and prove to everyone you can do it.

It is a life-long battle. There are no easy solutions. I still worry about my weight and I get obsessive about exercise. However,
I know now that if it's weight that I want to control and to lose, that I need to eat to keep my metabolism up, which then burns more calories. I have learned that muscle is needed to burn fat. When you are anorexic you lose not only fat, but muscle.

As I said, I am 51 and still battle the control of food / weight. Wanting to control it, but it can take control of me.

Just continue being supportive, but forcing the food is not the answer. That will only make the anorexic to exert more control.
It can be controlled and a person can come to realize that the anorexia really has the control over them. But, the person will have to keep the mind control in check.

Your daughter is clearly a grown woman with responsibilities. You need to sit her down and tell her that her behavior is destructive not only to her, but to you and her child. Ultimately the decision to change must be hers. But as long as she is living under your roof you need to make it clear you will not tolerate her starving herself.

This

As a recovered anorexic… This isn't likely to work.

She needs professional help. Going grocery shopping with her, threatening her to "get better or else," etc. will not be productive; right now, she just isn't able to make decisions in the way that you or I would. But she's an adult and it doesn't seem that her life is in immediate danger, so you can't force her into treatment. She needs to voluntarily accept help.

These is just a guess on my part and may be totally off-base, but if anything is going to convince her to seek treatment, it's probably her child. If her health deteriorates, the child is going to suffer and you/someone will need to intervene. She may not be willing or able to recover for your benefit, or her boyfriend's, or her own; but she might be willing to try for the sake of her child.

Recovery is an enormous, intimidating obstacle, but you can make it seem more manageable. Help her search for and get access to a therapist or treatment program. They'll let you know how you can help her/what changes you may need to make at home. Seriously, trust the professionals; they know what's best for her. And then settle in for the struggle, because recovery is not linear and is never easy and, I'm sorry to say, isn't always successful.

And a reminder: people with anorexia don't choose it. They can't turn it on and off like a light switch; they don't "decide" to eat or not eat. Many people find this difficult to understand, and they can become frustrated when someone struggles with recovery. Just know that she's not "acting out" or "being difficult." It's terrifying inside her head right now.

I'd suggest cooking a big fancy schmancy 5 course meal for you, your husband, your daughter, her boyfriend, and whoever else is in your family. Start with a simple salad… make some chicken or salmon with rice and a veggie. Then have a dessert prepared… brownies with ice cream or white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. Something YOU KNOW SHE LIKES. Make sure you let her know you will be preparing a family dinner that she needs to be at.

Oh dear.
No.
No, no, no.

Please do not do this.