Helping my 12 year old daughter...
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In my opinion, I would actually see this as a blessing in disguise. I was super skinny from toddler-age through high school. My family would tell me it wouldn't last forever and when I got older my metabolism would slow down and I'd put on weight. I didn't believe them. Weighing 98lbs from 8th grade until after I graduated I seriously thought it was impossible for me to gain weight. After I graduated I started taking birth control and I gained 25 lbs over a very short period of time. Although I attribute it to the pills, my metabolism has slowed down and my previous eating habits plus drinking alcohol when I was of age (and a little before I was of age) also affected my weight. I gained 90% of my weight in my belly. Since your daughter is already seeing the results of her eating habits and is unhappy, I think she could be easy to motivate into a healthier lifestyle. But when you address it, do so in private, and don't make the conversation about weight gain or appearance. Explain to her what eating healthy and being active does for all people of all ages and sizes. Explain to her that as people age things start to slow down and the body changes, and the best way to take care of your body is to eat healthy and exercise - the sooner you start the better. She may enjoy the healthier food and activity. You can also tell her if SHE is concerned about her weight/appearance, this will make that better too. I would also offer to do things with her like look up recipes and make them together, find something active you both can do for fun like go to your local rec center and play tennis or walk the dog(s) if you have dogs. I wish that as a teenager I would have had something other than people just TELLING me I would gain weight to encourage me to eat healthier and be more active - I would definitely go back and change that if I could. In fact, my younger sister was chubby her whole child/teenhood and now she weighs a little less than I do but all her weight is proportioned and she has an hourglass figure. I wouldn't say I am fat, but all my weight is in my belly and I look perpetually pregnant and have to struggle to find/wear clothes that hide it.
This is what I've told my twin daughters. They take after their dad in build and are stocky (boy do they get frustrated at their dad for that!) , and at age 12 it has really started to bother them. We've talked to their dr about their weight and eating healthy, etc as it has gotten to the point where it needs to be a concern. We talk alot about eating healthy, have treats in moderation, and I do my best to gently encourage regular exercise even though they hate sports. We'll do things like wii just dance together, go hiking in good weather, etc. I have told them for at least a couple of years now that they'll have the advantage over their friends when they get older, as they already are learning what healthy eating is all about, and enjoy many healthy foods, but their friends for the most part seem to eat only junk food. They're both very strong for their age and I make a big deal out of that, brag on them as much as I can! One of them even beat their 19 yr old male cousin at arm wrestling, and he was in wrestling in high school! And of course they are gorgeous half asian girls, so I make a big deal out of that too.0 -
I'd keep the 20-minute snuggle session (it was only 10 years ago that I was 12, and I would see replacing the affectionate activity with exercise as punishment, especially if my siblings didn't have to do that) and find another way to include the whole family in a new healthy lifestyle so your 12-year-old doesn't feel singled out. Gut the cupboards, pantry, fridge, freezer and drawers off any junk food and start replacing it with healthier options, make it a household thing and let your daughter follow your new, healthier example. Start taking family walks or find an indoor pool and get a membership (if you live in a college town, look at the university pool because they usually give great community discounts and have family memberships). Maybe your kids would be interested in karate, dance, or another activity. Or if you have Wii-Fit, take an hour when everyone is home and play--each person could get ~15 minutes of exercise in. Supplement the kids' morning school routine if you can--could they walk to school if they aren't already? If not, can you walk around the block with them every morning before they need to be at the bus stop or before you drive them?
I think it's great that you're looking to be mindful when approaching this. My brother and I (and my sister before she passed away) were always thin, active children. I stayed thinner than him as a pre-teen, but then I started gaining weight in middle school and he had a growth spurt and has been tall & lanky ever since, whereas I've been a yo-yo dieter up until now (I consider this my longest, most sincere attempt to lose weight). It's good to address this now!
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I'd keep the 20-minute snuggle session (it was only 10 years ago that I was 12, and I would see replacing the affectionate activity with exercise as punishment, especially if my siblings didn't have to do that) and find another way to include the whole family in a new healthy lifestyle so your 12-year-old doesn't feel singled out. Gut the cupboards, pantry, fridge, freezer and drawers off any junk food and start replacing it with healthier options, make it a household thing and let your daughter follow your new, healthier example. Start taking family walks or find an indoor pool and get a membership (if you live in a college town, look at the university pool because they usually give great community discounts and have family memberships). Maybe your kids would be interested in karate, dance, or another activity. Or if you have Wii-Fit, take an hour when everyone is home and play--each person could get ~15 minutes of exercise in. Supplement the kids' morning school routine if you can--could they walk to school if they aren't already? If not, can you walk around the block with them every morning before they need to be at the bus stop or before you drive them?
I think it's great that you're looking to be mindful when approaching this. My brother and I (and my sister before she passed away) were always thin, active children. I stayed thinner than him as a pre-teen, but then I started gaining weight in middle school and he had a growth spurt and has been tall & lanky ever since, whereas I've been a yo-yo dieter up until now (I consider this my longest, most sincere attempt to lose weight). It's good to address this now! 0 -
There's some good practical advice here:
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/childhealth6-15/Pages/child-health-measurement-programme-overweight-advice.aspx
2 things that I don't think anyone has mentioned and are discussed on the above page are
1. Screen time - inactivity (often whilst watching tv or on computer) has a big impact. Studies have shown that focussing on cutting the amount of screen time (rather than increasing exercise) helps with overweight children.
2. Sleep - again, studies show that not getting enough sleep increases the risk of obesity in children.0 -
pudgy 12 year olds do not automatically equal pudgy adults and more importantly skinny 12 years olds do not equal skinny adults.
By all means provide healthy food at home and increase exercise, but I was under the impression unless you have a morbidly obese child it is not recommended cutting calories, but rather increasing exercise. I would find a sport the child likes and support her in those activities. Or add some fun activities for the whole family.
I will tell you this though I was a pudgy teenager and my sister was the skinny one and all the well-meaning suggestions and 'helpful' advice were like a thousand little cuts into my self-esteem. It took me years to try and not let my weight define me and only after I gained that acceptance was I able to successfully manage my weight without resorting to extreme measures. It's funny now though I am the only one of a normal weight in the family :-)0 -
First of all - Kudos to you for putting yourself out there and sharing a struggle that so many parents have.
I want to say to encourage her to be active not only physically but in the kitchen as well. Bond with her over the whole experience of food in a healthy way. Take her to the store for healthy ingredients and bake/cook things she enjoys that she can help with. She will likely take pleasure in what she can make.
Or she'll hate it. lol but you could try it.
And as others said, make sure you talk positively about yourself. I absolutely HATE my body. But, when my daughter is around it's not about being fat or skinny it's all about being healthy. She rarely hears me say the word skinny. She's got some extra weight, too that I am trying to get her to grow out of but she's only 7.
She also knows what protein is and a rough idea of calories. She knows what fat is. This is partly because I'm in school to be a dietitian so I just spurt things out sometimes. But it's partly because I do believe it's helpful for her to know WHY i want her to eat something or not. In addition to picking colorful foods she knows we want foods that have high protein, lower fat usually. And treats are an exception. It's something to consider, especially being 12. If she is concerned about her appearance, not just weight, you can say things like this is a food that will help your skin stay healthy. Whatever it is.
It is a tough age. You can't necessarily "trick" them into working out. WIth my daughter we have a contest to see who can do the most jumping jacks, or sit ups or whatever - she doesn't do them right but I don't care. She's moving. That's what I want.
I do applaud you for taking control. Tread lightly. Talk to your child's doctor for advice that they may have regarding the subject. They will just be happy that you are working to prevent obesity and unhealthy habits.
And open the conversation with her about why she said she hates her body. Ask her what she needs from you to be able to be on the same field and working in the right direction!
Good luck!0 -
So I've put this out to MFP friends and now I'm putting this out to all of you....
I have an 12 year old who takes after her mom when it comes to food. I'd say she has a few extra pounds on her belly but nothing insurmountable. However she feels it's unfair that her sister's don't have to watch what they eat and she does. This morning she started to cry and said, "I don't like myself". How do I avoid being that mom who oversees everything she eats (like my mom did and I REALLY resented) yet get her to loose the weight? I just want to teach her good nutrition so weight will never be an issue and in the course of doing so have her loose a couple of pounds. We've decided that instead of a 20 minute snuggle in the mornings we would exercise and we would plan her lunch the night before. Any other suggestions?
Make it an entire family change/ restriction rather than singling her out. Sadly they shouldn't be having body issues that young our society sucks that way forcing children to think in such a manner. Family outings (walks, bike rides, swimming at the Y).0 -
Please don't miss out on snuggles in the morning, they are so important to children and your daughter may see it as a punishment if she is missing out on loving time with mum so she can exercise, and that will make her resent exercise too.
I have a friend who had had a similar concern, she chose to allow her child to eat the same as everyone else but gently made the portion slightly less so the child didn't really notice. There is always a risk of a child developing an eating disorder when too much emphasis is put upon food.
How about exercising together as you suggest, playing 'just dance' games on the x box or swimming, going for walks together, so the word 'exercise' isn't used and it's just seen as something fun to do together.
You are teaching your child how to eat a healthy balanced diet which is fantastic, be proud of yourself for that. I cook with my children regularly and they really enjoy cooking and the time we spend together. This week we made homemade soups in different flavours and it was lovely to see the enthusiasm for healthy eating and cooking. Do you cook with your children? You probably do anyway, but thought I'd suggest it.
As you have said, you understand her feelings, so just try and increase her exercise regime and let her eat healthily most of the time, she's only young and it's ok to have treats sometimes.
Good luck with it xx0 -
I can relate- I was the chunky one while my sister was (and still is) stick thin. My parents would guilt the hell out of me even as a kid about eating too much and how i was putting myself at risk for diabetes....good stuff. I wouldn't necessarily recommend this route, but I would encourage the entire family to eat healthy and to exercise together, if possible. That way no one is 'exempt' from it and it will make your daughter feel better about herself. Personally, one day i just made the decision that I didn't want to be heavy anymore and dieted on my own. It wasn't really anything my parents said or did that made it happen, I made the choice alone.0
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Coming from a single dad point of view, keep it up and stay strong. Even if the other members of the family don't need to watch what they are eating, have everyone playing the same game. Build healthy habits for the whole family. In addition to a common path where nutrition is concerned, perhaps you can promote common family activities as well. Each member of the family will have interests that they don't share with the rest of the family, but find some common ground, and to the best of your ability, make it fun. Kids deserve to have fun and be kids. Good luck. I would love to know what you come up with. The world is before you, the path is yours to choose.0
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You should train all the kids to make healthy choices now whether they are thin or not. I was skinny as a kid and everyone thought it was so funny how much I could eat and be thin. It caught up to me and I had a terrible time trying to learn how to control my urges to eat huge amounts of food and often. I've fought my weight all my life.
Everyone should be taught to exercise and eat healthfully.0 -
Why not make the change as a family rather than singling out one sibling? I think a healthy lifestyle should apply to all. Good luck
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Oh yeah, and remember, kids didn't come with an instruction manual - each one is different, and that is a wonderful thing! Keep talking with her, truly communicating. It will pay off in other areas as well. Good luck!!0
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You'd have to run this by folks who had weight problems as a 12-year-old, but couldn't you just offer a few tips while she discusses it? I mean simple tips like 'Dessert twice a week instead of every day makes a big difference for some folks'. Or '20 minutes of exercise a day really adds up over time, and it's so much healthier.'
I don't mean that you should single her out, but I think I'd feel weird as a 12-year-old that the whole family started taking on my weight concerns. Knowing my sister, I'd never have heard the end of her not being allowed to eat junk food anymore, either!
I wouldn't overcomplicate things unless it's a huge or quite stubborn problem. If she just needs to eat a little less and move a little more -- as so, so many of us do -- let her know she's not alone and it's not rocket science The biggest thing I'd emphasize is patience. Small, consistent changes add up nicely for those who wait.
I just think that tiptoeing around a subject can be very transparent to smart kids, too It's nothing to tiptoe around. She's not the least bit alone or particularly unusual at all! So she might have to watch her weight a bit? It'll be fine if everyone can just see how normal/fine that is, imho. Getting her to see that it's not a big deal is the hardest part, imho. Good luck! 0 -
Bribe her.
Pay her for every mile she runs/walk
Pay her for every lbs she looses..
She will then want to loose the weight.0 -
I am 18 right now so I remember being a 12 year old girl very clearly, and I struggled with weight issues too. I thought I was a lot fatter than what I truly was though. Words of encouragement go a long way and I know now that I was just bigger framed and taller than the other kids. I was a picker eater and a lot of times my parents let me get away with it and let me eat what I wanted. I wouldn't suggest that at all. Maybe make some gradual but not immediate changes. Maybe encourage her to join a sports team. That was something I wasn't interested in but she might be.0
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I can relate to your daughter so I can say right now what you should try to do in my opinion. First of all, help her see that she is 100% beautiful in every possible way. Second, don't single her out. For example, my brother and sister are thin but they are not always very healthy. They drink ALOT of soda. I don't drink as much soda but I eat more sweets. These are both problems, not just mine because I'm fat.
Anyways, help your whole family including yourself make better choices, and help teach the whole family about food and exercise. Go on hikes or do something fun like play a sport, go swimming, whatever you like to do together. Hobbies are also good for her because they take her mind off food and fill her time up.
I'm not saying that you have to make everyone eat gross foods or anything, just make her see how easy it is to eat right. Do it by her side. Don't pressure her though because she is young. She doesn't need to be perfect. But assure her that if she gains a lot of weight she will just feel bad and then have to lose.0 -
Here is what I did to help my 12 year old son - ( He has lost 16 lbs and is looking terrific He wants to lose another 5!! so he can be in the normal weight range not just at the high end
I made the change for everyone not just my son - ( I am down almost 50 lbs - My 12 yr old is down 16 lbs - My husband is down 12 lbs - My 2 older boys are slim and maintaining by eating their maintenance snacks when they go out with their friends)
#1 - clean out the house of all JUNK FOODS - replace with fresh fruit - canned fruits that are naturally sweat, NO SUGAR ADDED
#2 - be sure she gets protein with every meal - this will keep her full longer and not feel hungry in between meals- no more regular sweat cereals for breakfast - replace with high protein cereal and the least amounts of sugar as possible . - use only greek yogurts high in protein , do not use regular yogurts any more
# 3 switch your milk - (she needs 2 glasses per day - I cook it into soups to disguise it for him )don`t even tell her - I washed the regular milk containers and replaced with powdered non fat milk , mixed it in the quart - at 1st I would mix half regular milk and 1/2 with non fat powder to gradually let him aquire the taste . He actually never noticed the difference - it only really has a bad taste is if you put it in coffee !
# 4 keep her carbs low - ( bread- rice- pasta-potatoes-corn) 1 serving for breakfast - 1 serving for dinner
#5 Up her veggies - start dinner by eating a salad 1st or a home made vegetable soup
# 6 on her dinner plate or lunches at home (FOR DINNER NO CARBS FROM STARCHY BREAD OR POTATOES ) - it should always have some protein plus 2 different veggies ( peas,carrots,green beans broccoli cauliflower etc )
#7 She should eat 3 fruits a day ( use them for snacking
** I keep the protein portions as follows - small for breakfast - medium for lunch and larger for dinner ** eat till satisfied
In the summer I make my son ice pops - use 1/2 premixed powdered non fat milk with 1/2 of orange juice , apple juice,grape juice -- be sugar juices are all with NO SUGAR ADDED -- she can have a few a day and they will feel like such a treat cause you made them . I have also frozen the high protein greek yogurts once in a while - to keep him interested (counted it towards his milk intake
My son has been following my advice now for 3 months and is just loving the way he looks without a shirt !! LOL last year he wouldn`t take off his t-shirt in the swimming pool cause his belly jiggled .
To help him with the last 5 lbs I decided to take him on nature walks , I don`t say - lets go walking, I just say lets see whats in this neck of the woods , some trails are steep and rocky while others will be flat and easy. I am just glad he is loving it .If I mention the word exercise to him - he will just walk away.0 -
There are so many great suggestions here. I just want to chime in on the points that resonate most with me. I agree with those who say that you should not replace snuggling with exercise. As an overweight child, the most hurtful thing a parent can do is withdraw affection as punishment for a child's being overweight. I know that is NOT what you intend but it may feel like that to her.
And while I agree that good food habits should become a part of the family's practices, I disagree with ignoring that she has a weight problem. I think it's important for children to understand that they each have different attributes and challenges. Just help her understand that being overweight is not her "fault" but it is something she can conquer. Help her to feel empowered.
You are good Mom to be working so proactively to help her. Some parents console their overweight children with food OR take the other extreme approach and treat them like they are boot camp attendees! Gentle teaching and empathy along with some active fun will do her well.0 -
I think you are very brave for asking here, and also very smart, because you can pick and choose the best ideas to fit your situation, so well done for that.
I agree with those who say not to single her out in relation to the kind of habits your family have for fitness and health. Those who are slim now, may not be later and if they didn't learn those habits while your 12 year old is, it could be detrimental in the long run. If there is going to be a snuggle/exercise swap everyone should have one (I heard you say that you have other snuggle times so that is good too!)
I definitely do not agree with putting her on any child that young on any kind of diet or encouraging to lose weight or rewarding weight loss efforts with money or rewards. My mum took me to weigh less (a kind of weight watchers) when I was that age, I was already as tall as I am now, had size b breasts (that were not acknowledged or catered for till a year later with a bra) and to me in hindsight was called pudgy, but I was becoming a woman and actually had hips and boobs that maybe my class mates didn't. I was supposed to lose 7kg to get to 47kg ..... 52kg is the bottom of the BMI for an adult of my height?!
I sincerely believe the adage/premise about if you never start a diet you never have to go on one <--- Would apply to the majority of people.
If you do want to reward or encourage, the posters studying to be a dietician has a great idea about little fitness competitions. Focus on becoming strong or fast or very agile and reward anything that leads to improvements in that way.
As for no food after x time or locked cupboards or no access to the fridge... I think that is a bit strange too. I remember being starving as a kid not feeling brave enough to ask for something and getting in trouble for stealing a piece of left over chicken or even fruit.
I also really like the coloured food idea and collaborating on meals and recipes. Choose a healthy recipe together and shop for the ingredients. Or tell her part of what is coming for a meal and for her to choose other veg or salad or fruits to go along with it.
I also remember as a child (we had the don't leave the table till you have eaten everything on your plate rule) but we only ate food my mom liked (she chose to cook). I am 38 now - I still really dislike the taste of butternut pumpkin and sweet potato and canned peas - but I love vegetables and always have. We were never fed cauliflower, green beans, brussel sprouts, cabbage, egg plant all because my mom didn't like them and I love all of those. There is a family joke about how I used to beg my aunt to make green bean casserole, that all her children hated and would then be upset with me for asking about
So I think it might be nice to even experimenting with new or unusual (for your family) ingredients that are healthy that only some of the family will like.
In relation to self esteem or media information about what is good or bad with bodies, I think exposing her to maybe some this is how we photoshop celebrity photos articles or videos early on, may help her to see the images portrayed as the touched up fakeries that they are. Also I think finding photos or images of women who are beautiful in all shapes and sizes can be really helpful too - I always thought those articles in mags - dress to hide your problem areas - were ridiculous cos the same model was wearing all the outfits. It would make sense to show someone who is actually an apple or a pear wearing those supposedly more flattering things.
again, I think it's wonderful you are doing research on how to go about this. I wish my parents were as open minded and thoughtful about me at the time. (I know and understand my parents did what they thought was the best for us)
Stopping dribbling now
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I had a similar experience with my daughter when she was 9 (11 now.) She was a small, petite child and gained 25 pounds in 4 months. She has been a dancer, a karate kid, and a cheerleader since 4-6 years old but over the summer the activities stopped or slowed down. I also think a lot of it was just growing up. But she was starting to talk about her weight so it was becoming an issue. I felt so bad for her.
I put her in a tumbling class at a local gym. Then she wanted to start cheering for them. She practices, conditions, and tumbles 3-4 days a week, 10-12 hours or more. The fitness regimens they put their athletes through is almost crazy but she loves every minute of it. She started the 4th grade at a pudgy 93 pounds, she started the 6th grade this year at a lean, fit, much taller, 93 pounds.
Even more so than that she gained so much confidence so quickly! She also has 4 amazing athletic coaches as role models to help her out where I could not. She will only eat Subway as fast food now lol. Long story short, find a physical activity that will push her, teach her, motivate her that she loves.0 -
Chubby children have a tendency to become fat adults so you're right to address the issue now.
Only have healthy snacks at home. Don't offer food as a reward or as comfort. Go for family walks, bike rides or whatever so as a family you become more active.
Ask her what's she's eating outside the home. If she's eating breakfast, packed lunch and dinner that you provide there should be no need for her to be buying food from elsewhere. If she's buying more its no wonder she's piling on the pounds.
If it's clear to you she's over weight it will obvious to her peers too. You can't bury your head and hope a grow spurt will magically solve her extra weight you need to talk to her now.0 -
Stop singling her out, don't mention her weight at all, stop comparing her. Make healthy changes for the entire family (you probably control most of the food so that is easy, plan fun activities with the familythat include movement, maybe find a sport for each of your kids that they enjoy), this should be about a healthy family, not on a few pounds on her.
Your post mentions pounds on her and extra weight, comparing her to your other kids, which makes it sound like this is about how you want her to <i>look<\i>, instead of it being about her being healthy and feeling good about herself (and you can be perfectly healthy while somewhat overweight, I understood from your post we are definitely not talking about an obese child here). This upsets me, and I would ask you if this is really about her, or if it is about how you feel she looks and should look and how that reflects on your parenting, or something like that.0 -
Let me clarify something. My kids have more than one snuggle time with me. All three of my kids are very snuggle inclined because that's the way we are as a family. I was just trying to get the workout over with so we could concentrate on the rest of our day which include a snuggle at 8:30 - 8:45 am before I take her to the bus and I head out to work.
get the exercise 'over with' like its a horrible thing that she has to do even though its not fun??????????
surely a family walk/bike ride/swim after school that is part of your daily/weekly routine would be a much healthier way of getting more exercise in for ALL of you, not just your 12 year old0 -
"Do as I say, not as I do!" doesn't work. That is probable what your mother was doing. That fact that she is more like you than her sisters may be a positive bond that you have with her that her sisters don't. Try approaching it from that standpoint. Turn a negative into a positive. She is at an age were she is willing to happily emulate you. Make it something positive to emulate. Make an effort not to complain about the dieting choices you have to make, especially in front of her. I am not saying that you are because I am not there. Just a suggestion. If this is a lifetime commitment, she will have enough time in her long life to hate those choices. You might be the one she looks back on and says, "I Can Do This!"0
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father of 4 daughters here - from the skinny model to the overweight girl becoming athlete.
First off - I'd focus on the self-image stuff - The "I hate myself" raises all sort of issues and flags and is the worst situation for self-achievement. Can't win without achieving self-love. Keep the cuddle in the morning or add to it but keep telling her she is beautiful and you love her and she is full of win (and whatever win that is that is different from her sister).
Second - I'm going to suggest that you forget exercise (wait for it) and think about lifestyle and activities - you cannot drive a 12 year old's motivation to do something that is not interesting and fun for a significant period of time. So discuss with her an emotional driven program -- what I mean by that. Have her identify what she wants to do:
- lose weight - this is great but not the objective of exercise or activity - it is the secondary win.
- identify activity based goals - do she want to run, fence, climb, ride horses or cheerlead. whatever it is - I imagine she can visualize being good at it and what "good" takes? How does she measure that?
- emotionalize it - ask her why, why does she want to do this? How does it make her feel? The "why" question can actually be asked a few time - I love annoying my daughters with that (small vengeance), but it is acually a technique borrowed from managment tools (I digress) - The emotional tie in and understanding it will help with sticking to a routine
- what other pluses can you add? If your daughter is going to be swimming or running - can it be a social activity with a friend, meets? medals? And neat clothes?
Getting kids active is a life learning for them.
My daughters (brag moment):
19 - RAGBRAI rider, now going from overweight to animal athlete, lifts, cycles and walks everywhere. Scared of heights but climbs a little. She's on here and she asking me for a program
17 - fences and asked yesterday for a bench press program because "she hasta for school"
11 - climbs, fences, runs (she's at a regional meet today) and does circus training. High energy child
10 - fences and climbs
Get them to DO things that they love.
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Kids are pretty smart, You can sneak in little pieces of info and within secs they will have forgot but two weeks later it hits them and they have remembered. I believe if you show them the way and the info being supplied is done in a way in which it will stick ie.. fun then it will hit home harder and they will take it in better and understand it better.
If you can get all involved in what you are trying to teach then some competitiveness will happen and they will want to do it more but they have got to want to do it and they will need to learn it's ok to lose.(One of my pet peeves is kids not being able to learn what it's like to lose and to learn to accept it) It's not something we should force as you have found out they will resent you. Encouragement is key but also using the power of the mind to achieve it is something special got to make them understand anything is possible when you stick your mind to it just don't push them. If any of that makes sense.0 -
father of 4 daughters here - from the skinny model to the overweight girl becoming athlete.
First off - I'd focus on the self-image stuff - The "I hate myself" raises all sort of issues and flags and is the worst situation for self-achievement. Can't win without achieving self-love. Keep the cuddle in the morning or add to it but keep telling her she is beautiful and you love her and she is full of win (and whatever win that is that is different from her sister).
Second - I'm going to suggest that you forget exercise (wait for it) and think about lifestyle and activities - you cannot drive a 12 year old's motivation to do something that is not interesting and fun for a significant period of time. So discuss with her an emotional driven program -- what I mean by that. Have her identify what she wants to do:
- lose weight - this is great but not the objective of exercise or activity - it is the secondary win.
- identify activity based goals - do she want to run, fence, climb, ride horses or cheerlead. whatever it is - I imagine she can visualize being good at it and what "good" takes? How does she measure that?
- emotionalize it - ask her why, why does she want to do this? How does it make her feel? The "why" question can actually be asked a few time - I love annoying my daughters with that (small vengeance), but it is acually a technique borrowed from managment tools (I digress) - The emotional tie in and understanding it will help with sticking to a routine
- what other pluses can you add? If your daughter is going to be swimming or running - can it be a social activity with a friend, meets? medals? And neat clothes?
Getting kids active is a life learning for them.
My daughters (brag moment):
19 - RAGBRAI rider, now going from overweight to animal athlete, lifts, cycles and walks everywhere. Scared of heights but climbs a little. She's on here and she asking me for a program
17 - fences and asked yesterday for a bench press program because "she hasta for school"
11 - climbs, fences, runs (she's at a regional meet today) and does circus training. High energy child
10 - fences and climbs
Get them to DO things that they love.
Totally agree!! My girl is 5 years old and I do worry that my weightloss journey can hardly be lost on her and I don't want her to be obsessive about weight. But I'm also hoping that she is now feeling the benefit of having a mummy that can spring off the sofa and say what shall we play, whether it's chasing around the house, going for a bike ride, running about the woods looking for adventure, me trying to run to keep up with her scooting. I hope that will this keep going until she's taken up her own sports/fitness activities. Having lots of fun with the family/ a sports/activity club while happening to burn off calories is the best way for kids to stay fit rather than...'we need to exercise' = chore. You can never have too many snuggles either :flowerforyou:0 -
She can't eat junk if there's no junk in the house. She's 12 so she can't buy junk food or really sneak any.
Really? I did when I was 12. Vending machines at school, snack bars at youth clubs, going to the local shop with friends etc.0 -
exactly! My first thoughts were "don't give up the snuggles!! No way!" I'm dealing with some of the same stuff with my daughter. It can be tricky.Wow. Please don't replace affection (snuggling) with weight loss (exercise). Get the whole family healthier, don't single anyone out, and in case you didn't follow me the first time: do NOT remove affection and replace it with weight loss efforts. Jesus.0
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