Helping my 12 year old daughter...

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  • D_squareG
    D_squareG Posts: 361 Member
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    You should train all the kids to make healthy choices now whether they are thin or not. I was skinny as a kid and everyone thought it was so funny how much I could eat and be thin. It caught up to me and I had a terrible time trying to learn how to control my urges to eat huge amounts of food and often. I've fought my weight all my life.

    Everyone should be taught to exercise and eat healthfully.
  • klm888
    klm888 Posts: 15
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    Why not make the change as a family rather than singling out one sibling? I think a healthy lifestyle should apply to all. Good luck :wink:
  • spirytwynd
    spirytwynd Posts: 141 Member
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    Oh yeah, and remember, kids didn't come with an instruction manual - each one is different, and that is a wonderful thing! Keep talking with her, truly communicating. It will pay off in other areas as well. Good luck!!
  • cafeaulait7
    cafeaulait7 Posts: 2,459 Member
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    You'd have to run this by folks who had weight problems as a 12-year-old, but couldn't you just offer a few tips while she discusses it? I mean simple tips like 'Dessert twice a week instead of every day makes a big difference for some folks'. Or '20 minutes of exercise a day really adds up over time, and it's so much healthier.'

    I don't mean that you should single her out, but I think I'd feel weird as a 12-year-old that the whole family started taking on my weight concerns. Knowing my sister, I'd never have heard the end of her not being allowed to eat junk food anymore, either!

    I wouldn't overcomplicate things unless it's a huge or quite stubborn problem. If she just needs to eat a little less and move a little more -- as so, so many of us do -- let her know she's not alone and it's not rocket science :) The biggest thing I'd emphasize is patience. Small, consistent changes add up nicely for those who wait.

    I just think that tiptoeing around a subject can be very transparent to smart kids, too ;) It's nothing to tiptoe around. She's not the least bit alone or particularly unusual at all! So she might have to watch her weight a bit? It'll be fine if everyone can just see how normal/fine that is, imho. Getting her to see that it's not a big deal is the hardest part, imho. Good luck!
  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,179 Member
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    Bribe her.
    Pay her for every mile she runs/walk
    Pay her for every lbs she looses..

    She will then want to loose the weight.
  • shadowharuka
    shadowharuka Posts: 92 Member
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    I am 18 right now so I remember being a 12 year old girl very clearly, and I struggled with weight issues too. I thought I was a lot fatter than what I truly was though. Words of encouragement go a long way and I know now that I was just bigger framed and taller than the other kids. I was a picker eater and a lot of times my parents let me get away with it and let me eat what I wanted. I wouldn't suggest that at all. Maybe make some gradual but not immediate changes. Maybe encourage her to join a sports team. That was something I wasn't interested in but she might be.
  • briana12077
    briana12077 Posts: 128 Member
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    I can relate to your daughter so I can say right now what you should try to do in my opinion. First of all, help her see that she is 100% beautiful in every possible way. Second, don't single her out. For example, my brother and sister are thin but they are not always very healthy. They drink ALOT of soda. I don't drink as much soda but I eat more sweets. These are both problems, not just mine because I'm fat.
    Anyways, help your whole family including yourself make better choices, and help teach the whole family about food and exercise. Go on hikes or do something fun like play a sport, go swimming, whatever you like to do together. Hobbies are also good for her because they take her mind off food and fill her time up.
    I'm not saying that you have to make everyone eat gross foods or anything, just make her see how easy it is to eat right. Do it by her side. Don't pressure her though because she is young. She doesn't need to be perfect. But assure her that if she gains a lot of weight she will just feel bad and then have to lose.
  • mamma_nee
    mamma_nee Posts: 809 Member
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    Here is what I did to help my 12 year old son - ( He has lost 16 lbs and is looking terrific :) He wants to lose another 5!! so he can be in the normal weight range not just at the high end :)

    I made the change for everyone not just my son - ( I am down almost 50 lbs - My 12 yr old is down 16 lbs - My husband is down 12 lbs - My 2 older boys are slim and maintaining by eating their maintenance snacks when they go out with their friends)

    #1 - clean out the house of all JUNK FOODS - replace with fresh fruit - canned fruits that are naturally sweat, NO SUGAR ADDED

    #2 - be sure she gets protein with every meal - this will keep her full longer and not feel hungry in between meals- no more regular sweat cereals for breakfast - replace with high protein cereal and the least amounts of sugar as possible . - use only greek yogurts high in protein , do not use regular yogurts any more

    # 3 switch your milk - (she needs 2 glasses per day - I cook it into soups to disguise it for him )don`t even tell her - I washed the regular milk containers and replaced with powdered non fat milk , mixed it in the quart - at 1st I would mix half regular milk and 1/2 with non fat powder to gradually let him aquire the taste . He actually never noticed the difference - it only really has a bad taste is if you put it in coffee !

    # 4 keep her carbs low - ( bread- rice- pasta-potatoes-corn) 1 serving for breakfast - 1 serving for dinner

    #5 Up her veggies - start dinner by eating a salad 1st or a home made vegetable soup

    # 6 on her dinner plate or lunches at home (FOR DINNER NO CARBS FROM STARCHY BREAD OR POTATOES ) - it should always have some protein plus 2 different veggies ( peas,carrots,green beans broccoli cauliflower etc )

    #7 She should eat 3 fruits a day ( use them for snacking

    ** I keep the protein portions as follows - small for breakfast - medium for lunch and larger for dinner ** eat till satisfied

    In the summer I make my son ice pops - use 1/2 premixed powdered non fat milk with 1/2 of orange juice , apple juice,grape juice -- be sugar juices are all with NO SUGAR ADDED -- she can have a few a day and they will feel like such a treat cause you made them . I have also frozen the high protein greek yogurts once in a while - to keep him interested (counted it towards his milk intake


    My son has been following my advice now for 3 months and is just loving the way he looks without a shirt !! LOL last year he wouldn`t take off his t-shirt in the swimming pool cause his belly jiggled .

    To help him with the last 5 lbs I decided to take him on nature walks , I don`t say - lets go walking, I just say lets see whats in this neck of the woods , some trails are steep and rocky while others will be flat and easy. I am just glad he is loving it .If I mention the word exercise to him - he will just walk away.
  • Sassyallday
    Sassyallday Posts: 136 Member
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    There are so many great suggestions here. I just want to chime in on the points that resonate most with me. I agree with those who say that you should not replace snuggling with exercise. As an overweight child, the most hurtful thing a parent can do is withdraw affection as punishment for a child's being overweight. I know that is NOT what you intend but it may feel like that to her.

    And while I agree that good food habits should become a part of the family's practices, I disagree with ignoring that she has a weight problem. I think it's important for children to understand that they each have different attributes and challenges. Just help her understand that being overweight is not her "fault" but it is something she can conquer. Help her to feel empowered.

    You are good Mom to be working so proactively to help her. Some parents console their overweight children with food OR take the other extreme approach and treat them like they are boot camp attendees! Gentle teaching and empathy along with some active fun will do her well.
  • Qski
    Qski Posts: 246 Member
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    I think you are very brave for asking here, and also very smart, because you can pick and choose the best ideas to fit your situation, so well done for that.

    I agree with those who say not to single her out in relation to the kind of habits your family have for fitness and health. Those who are slim now, may not be later and if they didn't learn those habits while your 12 year old is, it could be detrimental in the long run. If there is going to be a snuggle/exercise swap everyone should have one (I heard you say that you have other snuggle times so that is good too!)

    I definitely do not agree with putting her on any child that young on any kind of diet or encouraging to lose weight or rewarding weight loss efforts with money or rewards. My mum took me to weigh less (a kind of weight watchers) when I was that age, I was already as tall as I am now, had size b breasts (that were not acknowledged or catered for till a year later with a bra) and to me in hindsight was called pudgy, but I was becoming a woman and actually had hips and boobs that maybe my class mates didn't. I was supposed to lose 7kg to get to 47kg ..... 52kg is the bottom of the BMI for an adult of my height?!
    I sincerely believe the adage/premise about if you never start a diet you never have to go on one <--- Would apply to the majority of people.

    If you do want to reward or encourage, the posters studying to be a dietician has a great idea about little fitness competitions. Focus on becoming strong or fast or very agile and reward anything that leads to improvements in that way.

    As for no food after x time or locked cupboards or no access to the fridge... I think that is a bit strange too. I remember being starving as a kid not feeling brave enough to ask for something and getting in trouble for stealing a piece of left over chicken or even fruit.

    I also really like the coloured food idea and collaborating on meals and recipes. Choose a healthy recipe together and shop for the ingredients. Or tell her part of what is coming for a meal and for her to choose other veg or salad or fruits to go along with it.

    I also remember as a child (we had the don't leave the table till you have eaten everything on your plate rule) but we only ate food my mom liked (she chose to cook). I am 38 now - I still really dislike the taste of butternut pumpkin and sweet potato and canned peas - but I love vegetables and always have. We were never fed cauliflower, green beans, brussel sprouts, cabbage, egg plant all because my mom didn't like them and I love all of those. There is a family joke about how I used to beg my aunt to make green bean casserole, that all her children hated and would then be upset with me for asking about :)

    So I think it might be nice to even experimenting with new or unusual (for your family) ingredients that are healthy that only some of the family will like.

    In relation to self esteem or media information about what is good or bad with bodies, I think exposing her to maybe some this is how we photoshop celebrity photos articles or videos early on, may help her to see the images portrayed as the touched up fakeries that they are. Also I think finding photos or images of women who are beautiful in all shapes and sizes can be really helpful too - I always thought those articles in mags - dress to hide your problem areas - were ridiculous cos the same model was wearing all the outfits. It would make sense to show someone who is actually an apple or a pear wearing those supposedly more flattering things.

    again, I think it's wonderful you are doing research on how to go about this. I wish my parents were as open minded and thoughtful about me at the time. (I know and understand my parents did what they thought was the best for us)
    Stopping dribbling now :D
  • kjimmie4848
    kjimmie4848 Posts: 123 Member
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    I had a similar experience with my daughter when she was 9 (11 now.) She was a small, petite child and gained 25 pounds in 4 months. She has been a dancer, a karate kid, and a cheerleader since 4-6 years old but over the summer the activities stopped or slowed down. I also think a lot of it was just growing up. But she was starting to talk about her weight so it was becoming an issue. I felt so bad for her.

    I put her in a tumbling class at a local gym. Then she wanted to start cheering for them. She practices, conditions, and tumbles 3-4 days a week, 10-12 hours or more. The fitness regimens they put their athletes through is almost crazy but she loves every minute of it. She started the 4th grade at a pudgy 93 pounds, she started the 6th grade this year at a lean, fit, much taller, 93 pounds.

    Even more so than that she gained so much confidence so quickly! She also has 4 amazing athletic coaches as role models to help her out where I could not. She will only eat Subway as fast food now lol. Long story short, find a physical activity that will push her, teach her, motivate her that she loves.
  • rb16fitness
    rb16fitness Posts: 236 Member
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    Chubby children have a tendency to become fat adults so you're right to address the issue now.

    Only have healthy snacks at home. Don't offer food as a reward or as comfort. Go for family walks, bike rides or whatever so as a family you become more active.

    Ask her what's she's eating outside the home. If she's eating breakfast, packed lunch and dinner that you provide there should be no need for her to be buying food from elsewhere. If she's buying more its no wonder she's piling on the pounds.

    If it's clear to you she's over weight it will obvious to her peers too. You can't bury your head and hope a grow spurt will magically solve her extra weight you need to talk to her now.
  • mimieon
    mimieon Posts: 182 Member
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    Stop singling her out, don't mention her weight at all, stop comparing her. Make healthy changes for the entire family (you probably control most of the food so that is easy, plan fun activities with the familythat include movement, maybe find a sport for each of your kids that they enjoy), this should be about a healthy family, not on a few pounds on her.

    Your post mentions pounds on her and extra weight, comparing her to your other kids, which makes it sound like this is about how you want her to <i>look<\i>, instead of it being about her being healthy and feeling good about herself (and you can be perfectly healthy while somewhat overweight, I understood from your post we are definitely not talking about an obese child here). This upsets me, and I would ask you if this is really about her, or if it is about how you feel she looks and should look and how that reflects on your parenting, or something like that.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    Let me clarify something. My kids have more than one snuggle time with me. All three of my kids are very snuggle inclined because that's the way we are as a family. I was just trying to get the workout over with so we could concentrate on the rest of our day which include a snuggle at 8:30 - 8:45 am before I take her to the bus and I head out to work.

    get the exercise 'over with' like its a horrible thing that she has to do even though its not fun??????????

    surely a family walk/bike ride/swim after school that is part of your daily/weekly routine would be a much healthier way of getting more exercise in for ALL of you, not just your 12 year old
  • padams2359
    padams2359 Posts: 1,093 Member
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    "Do as I say, not as I do!" doesn't work. That is probable what your mother was doing. That fact that she is more like you than her sisters may be a positive bond that you have with her that her sisters don't. Try approaching it from that standpoint. Turn a negative into a positive. She is at an age were she is willing to happily emulate you. Make it something positive to emulate. Make an effort not to complain about the dieting choices you have to make, especially in front of her. I am not saying that you are because I am not there. Just a suggestion. If this is a lifetime commitment, she will have enough time in her long life to hate those choices. You might be the one she looks back on and says, "I Can Do This!"
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
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    father of 4 daughters here - from the skinny model to the overweight girl becoming athlete.

    First off - I'd focus on the self-image stuff - The "I hate myself" raises all sort of issues and flags and is the worst situation for self-achievement. Can't win without achieving self-love. Keep the cuddle in the morning or add to it but keep telling her she is beautiful and you love her and she is full of win (and whatever win that is that is different from her sister).

    Second - I'm going to suggest that you forget exercise (wait for it) and think about lifestyle and activities - you cannot drive a 12 year old's motivation to do something that is not interesting and fun for a significant period of time. So discuss with her an emotional driven program -- what I mean by that. Have her identify what she wants to do:

    - lose weight - this is great but not the objective of exercise or activity - it is the secondary win.
    - identify activity based goals - do she want to run, fence, climb, ride horses or cheerlead. whatever it is - I imagine she can visualize being good at it and what "good" takes? How does she measure that?
    - emotionalize it - ask her why, why does she want to do this? How does it make her feel? The "why" question can actually be asked a few time - I love annoying my daughters with that (small vengeance), but it is acually a technique borrowed from managment tools (I digress) - The emotional tie in and understanding it will help with sticking to a routine
    - what other pluses can you add? If your daughter is going to be swimming or running - can it be a social activity with a friend, meets? medals? And neat clothes?

    Getting kids active is a life learning for them.

    My daughters (brag moment):

    19 - RAGBRAI rider, now going from overweight to animal athlete, lifts, cycles and walks everywhere. Scared of heights but climbs a little. She's on here and she asking me for a program
    17 - fences and asked yesterday for a bench press program because "she hasta for school"
    11 - climbs, fences, runs (she's at a regional meet today) and does circus training. High energy child
    10 - fences and climbs

    Get them to DO things that they love.

    kLEVEtHl.jpg
  • JaxDemon
    JaxDemon Posts: 403 Member
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    Kids are pretty smart, You can sneak in little pieces of info and within secs they will have forgot but two weeks later it hits them and they have remembered. I believe if you show them the way and the info being supplied is done in a way in which it will stick ie.. fun then it will hit home harder and they will take it in better and understand it better.

    If you can get all involved in what you are trying to teach then some competitiveness will happen and they will want to do it more but they have got to want to do it and they will need to learn it's ok to lose.(One of my pet peeves is kids not being able to learn what it's like to lose and to learn to accept it) It's not something we should force as you have found out they will resent you. Encouragement is key but also using the power of the mind to achieve it is something special got to make them understand anything is possible when you stick your mind to it just don't push them. If any of that makes sense.
  • bubaluboo
    bubaluboo Posts: 2,098 Member
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    father of 4 daughters here - from the skinny model to the overweight girl becoming athlete.

    First off - I'd focus on the self-image stuff - The "I hate myself" raises all sort of issues and flags and is the worst situation for self-achievement. Can't win without achieving self-love. Keep the cuddle in the morning or add to it but keep telling her she is beautiful and you love her and she is full of win (and whatever win that is that is different from her sister).

    Second - I'm going to suggest that you forget exercise (wait for it) and think about lifestyle and activities - you cannot drive a 12 year old's motivation to do something that is not interesting and fun for a significant period of time. So discuss with her an emotional driven program -- what I mean by that. Have her identify what she wants to do:

    - lose weight - this is great but not the objective of exercise or activity - it is the secondary win.
    - identify activity based goals - do she want to run, fence, climb, ride horses or cheerlead. whatever it is - I imagine she can visualize being good at it and what "good" takes? How does she measure that?
    - emotionalize it - ask her why, why does she want to do this? How does it make her feel? The "why" question can actually be asked a few time - I love annoying my daughters with that (small vengeance), but it is acually a technique borrowed from managment tools (I digress) - The emotional tie in and understanding it will help with sticking to a routine
    - what other pluses can you add? If your daughter is going to be swimming or running - can it be a social activity with a friend, meets? medals? And neat clothes?

    Getting kids active is a life learning for them.

    My daughters (brag moment):

    19 - RAGBRAI rider, now going from overweight to animal athlete, lifts, cycles and walks everywhere. Scared of heights but climbs a little. She's on here and she asking me for a program
    17 - fences and asked yesterday for a bench press program because "she hasta for school"
    11 - climbs, fences, runs (she's at a regional meet today) and does circus training. High energy child
    10 - fences and climbs

    Get them to DO things that they love.

    Totally agree!! My girl is 5 years old and I do worry that my weightloss journey can hardly be lost on her and I don't want her to be obsessive about weight. But I'm also hoping that she is now feeling the benefit of having a mummy that can spring off the sofa and say what shall we play, whether it's chasing around the house, going for a bike ride, running about the woods looking for adventure, me trying to run to keep up with her scooting. I hope that will this keep going until she's taken up her own sports/fitness activities. Having lots of fun with the family/ a sports/activity club while happening to burn off calories is the best way for kids to stay fit rather than...'we need to exercise' = chore. You can never have too many snuggles either :flowerforyou:
  • blossomnu
    blossomnu Posts: 65 Member
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    She can't eat junk if there's no junk in the house. She's 12 so she can't buy junk food or really sneak any.

    Really? I did when I was 12. Vending machines at school, snack bars at youth clubs, going to the local shop with friends etc.
  • Laurayinz
    Laurayinz Posts: 923 Member
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    Wow. Please don't replace affection (snuggling) with weight loss (exercise). Get the whole family healthier, don't single anyone out, and in case you didn't follow me the first time: do NOT remove affection and replace it with weight loss efforts. Jesus.
    exactly! My first thoughts were "don't give up the snuggles!! No way!" I'm dealing with some of the same stuff with my daughter. It can be tricky.

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