Helping my 12 year old daughter...

No advice from me,but I think MFP posters have really stepped up to offer their own personal experiences from when they were that age. Read,then read again.Take what applies to your family.
Good luck & remember,it needs to be a whole family happening.

So I've put this out to MFP friends and now I'm putting this out to all of you....
I have an 12 year old who takes after her mom when it comes to food. I'd say she has a few extra pounds on her belly but nothing insurmountable. However she feels it's unfair that her sister's don't have to watch what they eat and she does. This morning she started to cry and said, "I don't like myself". How do I avoid being that mom who oversees everything she eats (like my mom did and I REALLY resented) yet get her to loose the weight? I just want to teach her good nutrition so weight will never be an issue and in the course of doing so have her loose a couple of pounds. We've decided that instead of a 20 minute snuggle in the mornings we would exercise and we would plan her lunch the night before. Any other suggestions?

I am confused. You say she has a few extra pounds on her belly - which is perfectly normal for a 12 year old girl. Yet, she feels she has to watch what she eats? Why? And you have connected this with her comment about not liking herself, why? Also, not that abnormal for a 12 year old girl. And you want to teach her good nutrition, again, why? Does she eat unhealthily?
A couple of observations: I think you may be projecting on your daughter. Don't. Find out what is going on with her and don't assume she has or will have the same issues as you do. Good nutrition is for everyone. And it starts at the grocery store and you are in control there, I assume. You can't control what happens outside of the house (nor should you try - demonizing food won't help). And as far as restricting everyone - caution there...if you aren't already, you could be setting your youngest up for a lot of resentment from her sisters and towards you. My sister was a diabetic. We had NOTHING in our house. It was BARREN. She was fat, snuck food. Not good. Incremental changes are easier for everyone.
Building her self esteem will go much further than having her lose a few pounds.

So I've put this out to MFP friends and now I'm putting this out to all of you....
I have an 12 year old who takes after her mom when it comes to food. I'd say she has a few extra pounds on her belly but nothing insurmountable. However she feels it's unfair that her sister's don't have to watch what they eat and she does. This morning she started to cry and said, "I don't like myself". How do I avoid being that mom who oversees everything she eats (like my mom did and I REALLY resented) yet get her to loose the weight? I just want to teach her good nutrition so weight will never be an issue and in the course of doing so have her loose a couple of pounds. We've decided that instead of a 20 minute snuggle in the mornings we would exercise and we would plan her lunch the night before. Any other suggestions?

I am confused. You say she has a few extra pounds on her belly - which is perfectly normal for a 12 year old girl. Yet, she feels she has to watch what she eats? Why? And you have connected this with her comment about not liking herself, why? Also, not that abnormal for a 12 year old girl. And you want to teach her good nutrition, again, why? Does she eat unhealthily?
A couple of observations: I think you may be projecting on your daughter. Don't. Find out what is going on with her and don't assume she has or will have the same issues as you do. Good nutrition is for everyone. And it starts at the grocery store and you are in control there, I assume. You can't control what happens outside of the house (nor should you try - demonizing food won't help). And as far as restricting everyone - caution there...if you aren't already, you could be setting your youngest up for a lot of resentment from her sisters and towards you. My sister was a diabetic. We had NOTHING in our house. It was BARREN. She was fat, snuck food. Not good. Incremental changes are easier for everyone.
Building her self esteem will go much further than having her lose a few pounds.

"I think you may be projecting on your daughter. Don't." -jayrudq

Pretty much sums it up.

My first thought is to have all the kids eat the same type of things. I can see how she would be upset if the others get Ice Cream and snacks if she can't.

I like the idea of scheduling time to work out together. My oldest loves to go to Zumba with me.

She can't eat junk if there's no junk in the house. She's 12 so she can't buy junk food or really sneak any.

Really? I did when I was 12. Vending machines at school, snack bars at youth clubs, going to the local shop with friends etc.

This is what I was thinking too!! I was an overweight preteen and teen. When I was with my mom she would not make a big deal about treats. There was always a big cookie jar in her house, and other stuff I liked...and I wasn't even that tempted. However, I lived primarily with my dad and stepmom. My stepmom was ALWAYS on a diet and it was the early 90s when the low fat craze was on. So there was very little tempting food in our house, rarely any type of dessert, and as a result I started to binge (not SERIOUS binges, but still what I would call binges) when I was not at home. I remember visiting friends who lived near a convenience store when I was around 13-14 and we would get like 3-4 chocolate bars at a time. I did not mind spending my allowance on it, either.

One thing on the affection front. My mom put the idea in my head that it's improper to hug people fully when you are "developed". I started to get breast buds when I was only 8-9 years old and after that I very rarely hugged anyone or was very nervous and awkward in hugging to make sure I didn't press up against them. This gave me issues my whole life, and I've only recently felt totally over it in my mid 30s! I don't think the OP is going to have that type of issues but as for others with kids/teens in their lives, don't underestimate the importance of a cuddle or hug with growing girls (or boys) just because of puberty's onset!

Some good advice here. Especially the 'family oriented healthy living' activities and goals.

A few have mentioned cooking, I'd second that. Learning to cook healthy wholesome meals and learning about nutrition is an important life skill many children miss out on.

Talking of pizza, that's a great family option for cooking. Make a wholewheat base together and let everyone choose how to top their own mini pizza. Prep a range of healthy toppings to choose from like sliced onions, olives, grated reduced fat cheese, simple tomato sauce, canned tuna, canned sweetcorn, peppers etc.

Does she know that she should not be compared to her sisters? Have you told her that everybody is different? Do you use words around your house like fat of diet?

I have a 13 year old daughter, she is thin but in the past before growth spurts she would get a belly. We just made family changes like 2% milk to 1%, kept the soda out of the house and other small things. We also tried to get her active, running club, swimming or really anything she would enjoy. My daughters self esteem is high, but this was also our number one focus.

Having real discussions about weight has not effected her, her sister has dads gene's so she is small frame and muscular (also extremely active and into gymnastics) where my oldest has dads height but moms build, which is small/medium with curves. Our discussions never singled her out, they were more about how its harder to lose weight then to never put it on, and I have shown her the calorie count in some things....needless to say this shocked her. She eats and eats normally healthy and in moderation but she also knows with her build she needs to be active or she can put weight on easier than her sister. She is 5'6" 120 lbs her bmi is about 20. Also not sure if you daughter is near her end of growing in height, but our Dr. always said don't have her lose any weight just try to maintain it till she grows into it.

So my advice would be....Self esteem first, minor family changes in food (good for everyone), activity and discussions that are NOT lectures but more just casual about weight and food.

Edit to add: She also has told me that she needs to stay active because she likes food too much and would hate to have to diet ever, she also stated this is why she could never have an eating disorder because "puking is just gross and I like food too much to be anorexic, so I can't be lazy".

Sometimes we may have taken the self esteem part to far, my daughter has no problem telling you how "Awesome" she is :laugh:

Growing up, I was always the overweight one of 3 children. Tread extremely carefully, instead of singling her out, teach good nutrition to all the children. Do family activities such as walking or riding bikes, if you have a dog, take it for a walk with all the family.

It's hard feeling that way about yourself when you're young, my mum used to deny the problem whilst my dad would constantly joke about my weight. My mother denying the problem led to my brief spell of anorexia, because I felt that she didn't want to help me be healthy, I would have to do it in my own way. I had no knowledge of nutrition at all, so give her the right knowledge! it's definitely the key.

It could also be puppy fat, a lot of my cousins used to be slightly chubby and they evened out with height!

Stock the cupboards with healthy foods, and keep fattier foods to a minimum. Sketch up a meal plan or look up recipes together and plan the week ahead! Good luck!

I was the sister who always had the extra weight around the middle. We were all very active and ate a healthy diet. I always ate less than anyone else in my family, ate more veggies and fruit, less of the rice/pasta/potatoes, ate way less of the sugary treats, but I still always had the extra weight. My mom would make comments like, maybe you should skip the seconds tonight. Or I just want you to be healthy, it can't be good for you to carry that extra weight around. At this point I was a size 8 us and extremely muscular. I was in great shape. She still makes those comments and it always hurts my feelings. Especially because it turned out to be an actual health problem and not me over eating. Once we finally got it figured out I did actually start to lose weight until I got pregnant lol.

Just tread carefully with your daughter. You really don't want her to have bad feelings towards you over weight. I struggle everyday with my self image as far as my body goes. It is not a good thing to breed! Don't focus on food or weight! Focus on good health for the whole family!! Promoting good, healthy habits like moving as much as possible during the day is great. Being aware that choosing an apple over ice cream is good and can be just a satisfying. Don't deny her anything just make good decisions yourself and she will follow your example.

Let me just say something really quick that I left out. I'm 21 and I still hate working out because of what my mom put me through. She would make me go on 2 mile walks with her everyday and she would make me to go the gym with her in the morning everyday or she would make me do exercises everyday. Now while I appreciate now how sweet it was of her to take that time and do it with me, she made if FEEL like exercise and I HATED it. For one, I was being singled out, and I felt embarrassed to have to work out. Working out only reminded me that I was fat and gross, and I would not put a lot of effort into it because of that. In return my mom would get upset with me for not putting in effort and saying I'm wasting my time. Then I'd feel even worse. We'd end up yelling and fighting and all kinds of upset going on. Just don't force her to work out. The walks were nice actually a lot of times we had fun conversations and had fun trying to beat our times. One problem was she still tried to make it about losing weight too much which in return made me feel lousy. I thought everyone who saw me walking with my mom just knew I was horrible and gross and ugly (which they didn't). If I thought of the walks as just to have fun and spend more time away from the TV, maybe i wouldn't have felt that way. She would pressure me to keep up with her, or walk ahead of me, which felt sad to me because half the reason I enjoyed the walks was the quality time.

About eating... she would pack me salads for school lunch. I felt awkward and embarrassed to be eating a packed salad with a separate container of dressing and it just felt stupid for a middle schooler to be bringing that for lunch. There were other ways I could have eaten healthy. Other times she tried sending me with nothing but a meal replacement bar... to school... for lunch. Please... that sucked watching other kids eat pizza and cookies. Not to mention kids are mean and kinda made fun of me. My mom didn't know she was doing anything wrong. I ended up always throwing out the salad at school and asking one of my friends to buy me a 75 cent cookie or something similar. I was seriously not eating healthy. I never told my mom. One day I remember she made me weight myself and I lost weight and she hugged me and was so happy and I ended up crying hysterically. When she asked me why I finally admitted that the only reason is because I haven't been eating any real lunch and then she didn't console me... she got SO ANGRY about the fact that i was throwing away my salads. She didn't understand that I just wanted to be like everyone else. And I just wanted a cookie sometimes.

Another thing I remember was always having to weight myself every single time we went to my grandmas house. Like all I was was my weight. Nothing else about me was important. I suffer from serious self-esteem issues, binging problems, and fear or working out. My mom never knew she was wrong, but she never took the time to really ask how I felt. She always just thought I was being stupid and silly. For sure, looking back on it I was being silly, my feelings were not correct, but they were my feelings therefor they were 100% justified.

I know this is really long but parents, please take the time to read this. Its important to know how what you do can REALLY affect your children. Just try to always make sure they know you love them, that they know they are 100% beautiful and perfect just how they are, and that you only want to help them. Listen to how THEY FEEL because its important. Try to work WITH them.

QFT

I skipped breakfast and lunch totally for 3 weeks (without my mum knowing) and I felt weak and faint and then my mum was so happy, because I lost some weight. I ended up sobbing in my bed thinking that I was just not loveable the way I was. My mum to this day thinks she did me a huge favour, because I am the only one in the family with a normal weight now, where as my skinny sister and my mum are very overweight now.

It is interesting to read the responses from other mums and from other 'children' so to speak and how they differ.

I'd like to reiterate what everyone else has said about approaching this cautiously because of the potential emotional impacts, but I also want to weigh in on the side of taking IMMEDIATE action - your daughter is 12, you won't have this much control/influence over her diet and lifestyle for much longer. By 12 I was already very overweight, I'd been on diets on and off for a couple of years, but around that age I started sneaking sweets/desserts/unhealthy food. I wish my mum had taken more drastic action with me.

I think what would have helped me in the long term is my mum making healthy choices. She normalised binge eating and low self-esteem for me, and I still can't really get over that, even as an adult it is still something which I struggle with massively. So be consistent in your own health efforts without making a big deal that this is a 'diet' or even 'healthy eating' - eat healthily and act as if it's normal.

Good luck to you and your daughter!

Don't Blame Your Children for Their Weight
By Yoni Freedhoff

Earlier this summer, my office kicked off a three-year project in partnership with Ontario's Ministry of Health to help parents of children 12 and under with obesity. The program's extensive. It's one year in duration and involves unlimited one-on-one access to physicians, registered dietitians, clinical social workers, exercise specialists and, when needed, 10 hours of support from a clinical psychologist.

However, what it doesn't involve may surprise you – it doesn't involve the children. While the children will receive five hours of small group sessions with our clinical social worker, those sessions will be off-site and won't be focused on weight but instead on issues such as depression, anxiety, bullying, self-esteem, anger management and body image.

Otherwise, the entirety of the program is to be delivered exclusively to parents. Studies on parent-only childhood obesity treatment programs suggest outcomes at least as good as those that involve the children directly. If you stop to think about it, especially with the younger kids, that result is anything but surprising; because at the end of the day, it's their parents who make those kids' lifestyle choices for them, and it's their parents who provide the role modeling they'll carry with them the rest of their lives.

But what has surprised me some are the stories I'm hearing from parents – both of their own efforts to help their children and of their physicians' efforts. Almost without exception, and bear in mind we're talking about preteens here, the stories revolve around trying to teach incredibly young children that their weights are dependent on personal responsibility – that if they just put their not-even-remotely-developed young minds to it, they could manage their weights.

It's not that these parents don't adore their children, or that their pediatricians – like the one who had a frank talk with a 7-year-old about ensuring she eat more vegetables and drink a glass of water before every meal in a bid to manage her weight – aren't well educated. It's that we as a society have bought in – hook, line and sinker – to the notion that obesity is simple personal choice.

I explored that simple choice with one young mother who seemed somewhat flummoxed by the notion that personally managing weight was beyond the reach of her pre-teen, still-Barbie-doll-playing daughter. We chatted about her daughter's experiences.

According to mom, her daughter is bullied about her weight regularly at school to the point where she dreads going; was lectured to by her pediatrician, who provided her with all sorts of scary obesity health statistics; is regularly confronted by her parents about her dietary choices, often leading to uncontrollable sobbing; and is now no longer able or comfortable to participate in many physical activities she once loved. I asked mom simply, "Given all of the suffering your daughter's weight so clearly brings her, do you really think she hasn't tried to help herself?"

Kids today haven't suffered an epidemic loss of willpower. They're not sloths. They're not gluttons. They're not lazy. They're just normal kids living in a world where there's a torrential current of calories pointed at them; where we've normalized the use of sugar and junk food to mark every single life event, no matter how small; where governments are complicit in consumers being duped by lax front-of-package labeling laws that allow cereals like Froot Loops to boast about its nutritional benefits; where schools serve no-name junk food and teach kids that if a chip is baked, it's suddenly good for them; where young parents may be two generations away from regular home cooking and nightly family dinners; and where what were once portions designed for fully grown adults are now featured on kids' menus. And trust me, I could go on.

If you're concerned about your child's weight, finger-wagging blame isn't going to help. Rest assured the one thing your child doesn't lack are the crushing feelings of guilt and shame consequent to their weight, and were guilt and shame sufficient to inspire lifelong change, the world would be much slimmer.

While there is no simple set of instructions likely to help with your child's weight, I can set you up with one simple instruction with which to evaluate your parenting therein: Without compromises, live the life you want your children to live.

For most of us, including me, when we take a few moments to stop and think about the example we're setting, changes aren't very difficult to find. Those changes may mean some sacrifices on your part. It may mean more cooking, less restaurants, cutting your cable and getting more active. It may also mean being more patient, more thoughtful, more caring and more loving.

Teach your children by means of example and not lecture. Start there and slowly, as a family, you'll undoubtedly improve your health and potentially your weights as well.

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/2013/08/28/dont-blame-your-children-for-their-weight