The sabotaging partner
Replies
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Talk to him. It's important for you and he should respect that, and not guilt trip you about it.
But you have to realize that it's always how it's going to be - you're going to have to deal with friends and family who don't watch what they are eating, and you'll have to learn to stand your ground and say no.0 -
My wife and I always tried to sabotage each other all the time. If one of us was trying to be good, the other wasn't. It's been like this for years, but we're both now working together to do better.
For example, we were going out last Saturday night...and we knew it was a blow off meal. We were both going to enjoy ourselves, eat some rich food and have some wine. No big deal. We just played smart the rest of the day. We knew that we would probably be in the neighborhood of 1000-1200 calories for dinner, so each of us ate our food the rest of the day accordingly to try and get as close as possible. Both of us went over a little bit, but it was way better than completely going off the deep end or endlessly worrying about it.
If you're husband still wants to eat some bad food, that's fine...just tell him to wait a day or ask earlier so you can be better prepared.0 -
Seems the word "Sabotage" is what some people are having a problem with on here. Maybe a better word would be "Non-supportive". Either way I understand what you are saying and dealing with. You give in because you don't want to fight. You give in because your wanting to please your partner. In this case of wanting to lose weight and become healthy your husband needs to cave in to your wants/needs/ and desires. It's time for him to not be selfish on this and allow you to be selfish. I've had to have talks with my husband about compromise a few times. Marriage doesn't work if it's one sided, it's a give/give from both sides. I really encourage you to talk to him about how you feel, what you find important, how you want him to support you by not putting temptations in front of you because your not strong enough to say no yet, and if he's always give me, give me, give me then he needs to know that it's your turn to get something back in the relationship. One time my husband brought a pizza home that was leftovers. I told him that I appreciate that he brought it home for me but I shouldn't eat it even though I took a slice. I asked him to take it out of the house because I wasn't strong enough to control myself at that time. He was very supportive and took the pizza out of the house and told me he was sorry and forgot that I was trying to eat healthy. For me the biggest step is admitting and asking for help.0
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First...I'd like to welcome you to the MFP forums. I know it seems like people are attacking you, but please understand that A LOT of these people have been here a very, very long time, and they have seen "tough love" work wonders. And honestly, when it comes to your own health...it's going to take some tough love...from YOURSELF...to get to where you want to be.
Second, let's do a hypothetical here: say your husband WAS on board with you. Guess what! Unfortunately for us girls, men can eat a LOT more and LOSE a lot more. In fact, it is sometimes HARDER to be on this journey with your husband because...I'm speaking from experience...they will lose weight if they BLINK, while you feel like you're working your tail off and you gain a pound in a week! (I know...it's not that way for EVERYONE...but it is an extremely common occurrence.) That being said, having your hubby on "board" so to speak...well, that's not for you to change. Either he's going to be for it, or he's going to be against it. There could be a thousand different reasons why he isn't on board. Maybe he's threatened by you wanting to look better? Maybe you guys "connected" over food before, and your sudden decision to take that away scares him? Maybe he thinks you're perfect the way you are, and because he's not educated on how difficult it is to lose weight for us, maybe he doesn't understand why you CAN'T have a "treat"?
Try putting yourself in his shoes. Give him some time to get used to a new lifestyle...because that's what this is! Food...especially to people who view food as an "addiction"...is a way to spend time together in our society these days. So, if you guys can't go out to eat...find other things to do together. Make him a PART of your challenge/journey because whether you like it or not...he's a part of it. Period. You may think, "This is MY thing. I need to do this MY way." Well, in his mind...he might find that threatening...and being a man...it's highly unlikely that he's going to say, "That threatens me, and I'm scared of it." You know? Try not to take everyone's comments too harshly...understand that a lot of the people here on MFP have been here for a very long time, and they have see excuse after excuse for people not staying on track. So, their automatic response is going to be, "This is up to YOU, and no one else."
Bottom line...it truly IS up to you to put your foot down. However, I would suggest doing it in a way that doesn't threaten your husband...which leads to guilt trips from him. Try finding a good time of the day when you're both relaxed and happy, and tell him that you need his help with something. Men LOVE to help. Tell him that you can't do this without his support, and you need him to help you along the way because you want to be a better woman for yourself AND for him. At the end of the day, though, it is your responsibility to make this happen. Ok...so this weekend sucked. It's over. Done. Gone. You can't go back and change it. So...try a different approach. And KEEP trying different things until you find something that works. If you are just starting out, I would suggest challenges that incorporate your hubs. Also...in the long run...ask yourself if not eating out for 30 days is TRULY a realistic goal for you. If so, then get after it and let nothing and no one stand in your way. However, if it's unlikely that this is a challenge that you can maintain for 30 days...AND...you think that AFTER those 30 days are up, you won't have better habits that you can abide by...then I would suggest that you continue to go out to eat...but you look up your favorite places online before you leave the house, plan to order the healthiest thing on the menu, or something that fits your nutrition plan (NOT A DIET!!!!) and immediately ask for a to-go box as soon as you get there. Put half the meal in the box for you or your hubs to eat the next day, and enjoy!!
Good luck to you! Hopefully, you can come up with some ways to express to your husband how you feel without making him feel like his whole world is going to fall down around him.0 -
My hubby sabotages me! I don't know if he does it on purpose or if he just doesn't care. I was 2 weeks into my no eating out/healthy eating plan. Then this weekend was a total flop! We went to the movies and of course had popcorn, soda then went to chinese buffet. There I only had one plate and ate mostly meat and veggies and a couple of pieces of sushi. I made pretty good choices. Then Sunday I was doing pretty good then I switched and started eating everything like an animal! I had popcorn, ice cream, and meatball subs, Granted I did not eat out I ate tons of processed garbage. I am having a hard time getting back on track. Did not do bad yesterday but I am still feeling the effects of this weekend.
Basically wondering if anyone else goes through this and what I should do!
I don't buy that your husband is sabotaging you. You are sabotaging you because you choose what to put into your mouth.
It's not about NOT having your Chinese buffet or movie popcorn, or even ice cream and meatball subs. It's about having smaller portions.
No matter what others are eating, you and you alone are responsible for what goes in your mouth.
(used the bold for emphasis only).0 -
I agree with those that are saying "sabotage" is really not the right word, but certainly seems like "non-supportive" fits in here very well if he is actually working to throw a guilt trip your way about your eating habits. That is assuming you are not trying to force him in to your own food choices, not allowing things in the house that he wants etc, then that's a different story.
Were you "guilted" in to eating the movie popcorn? That seems a bit strange if so; I can't see how it affects him if you don't eat any. The Chinese food restaurant is a tough one. How far ahead of time did you know about it? Perhaps a sit-down with him to discuss a compromise about letting you know well ahead of time so you can plan.
The next day...well, only you know what happened.
Just dust yourself off and keep moving along. Look forward, not back, and hopefully you and hubby can work something out :flowerforyou:
ETA (sorry if you answered this already and I missed it): When you joined up with the 30-day challenge, did you ask him first what he thought about it? Not that you need his permission, but like it or not, he's along for that ride and deserved at least a say. Good luck hon!
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My fella has enough respect for me to not give me BS, but when he does offer and good heartedly insists, I smile at him seductively, take ONE BITE, and thank him. Then I go back to my healthy choices. Stay strong lady. Keep it positive and stick to your guns. He'll respect you for it in the long run.Okay maybe I should have elaborated. When I tell him "no thank you" (bc I am totally not an idiot I knew this) He guilts me with BS. Lots and Lots of BS. I try to explain to him that food is like drugs to me. I have to stay away from it and get to a "clean" spot before I can reintroduce stuff. But when I suggest other things he makes me feel like I am just ruining his day. He says things like well you deserve a break or we don't get out much we deserve this! It makes me feel like I am wrong for trying to get healthy. So no he doesn't force feed me at gun point but he does bring it in front of me and pressures me into eating with him. I hope everyone understands that I know I can make my own choices and I do take responsibility for my choices. but If you have never struggled with addiction then it is hard to pass judgement.0 -
Okay maybe I should have elaborated. When I tell him "no thank you" (bc I am totally not an idiot I knew this) He guilts me with BS. Lots and Lots of BS. I try to explain to him that food is like drugs to me. I have to stay away from it and get to a "clean" spot before I can reintroduce stuff. But when I suggest other things he makes me feel like I am just ruining his day. He says things like well you deserve a break or we don't get out much we deserve this! It makes me feel like I am wrong for trying to get healthy. So no he doesn't force feed me at gun point but he does bring it in front of me and pressures me into eating with him. I hope everyone understands that I know I can make my own choices and I do take responsibility for my choices. but If you have never struggled with addiction then it is hard to pass judgement.
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He pressures you so you give up because you can't hold your ground? so how are you going to teach your children to say NO to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, even under peer pressure, if you can't do the same with food. Think about it!0 -
What's with people not taking responsibility for their own actions? I mean seriously, how can you say your hubby sabotages you, when clearly you're the one putting that food in your mouth, not him, you. You can say "no thanks" with the same enthusiasm that you say "hand me the lo mein, fried rice, and chicken dumplings".My hubby sabotages me! I don't know if he does it on purpose or if he just doesn't care. I was 2 weeks into my no eating out/healthy eating plan. Then this weekend was a total flop! We went to the movies and of course had popcorn, soda then went to chinese buffet. There I only had one plate and ate mostly meat and veggies and a couple of pieces of sushi. I made pretty good choices. Then Sunday I was doing pretty good then I switched and started eating everything like an animal! I had popcorn, ice cream, and meatball subs, Granted I did not eat out I ate tons of processed garbage. I am having a hard time getting back on track. Did not do bad yesterday but I am still feeling the effects of this weekend.
Basically wondering if anyone else goes through this and what I should do!
Grow up, take responsibility for your gluttony, and move on.
Start all over.
Forgive yourself for not eating clean a few times.
Forget it ever happened.
And learn how to say NO.0 -
I think a lot of people on this thread are being rude. While you can make better choices....it is hard when your partner asks you out to say no or to refuse things like popcorn and soda at the movies. What you COULD do....is make sure that you have a game plan for those times. If you know you're going to be going out to eat for dinner...make sure you eat well before hand. It's okay to have "cheat days" as long as you get right back to your healthy plan the next day. Eventually....your body will actually reject bad food. It's happened to me.
Relax. My husband is in great shape and can pretty much eat anything because of his metabolism. I know that he doesn't do things on purpose but, it IS hard.
Stay strong and just know that mistakes will be made that doesn't mean you're a complete failure. It means you're human 0 -
This^^ you gotta learn that.
The world doesn't stop turning because you are trying to lose weight.0 -
It's hard when someone sabotages, pushes food, brings unhealthy food home, etc. My kid is killing me by bringing oreo cookies home (I have been craving them since July). Well, I ate one this week, but I choose to only eat one. Gotta find the will. The self control. It's hard.
Also, I had hubby jump on board with losing weight with me, so he no longer sabotages, instead, now he just just questions if I'm going to eat something different than him (he even questioned why i only ate two pieces of our keto pizza with a salad, rather than four pizza pieces like him!).
You have to find a way to not allow yourself to be controlled - by hubby, by food, by whatever the addiction is. It's hard, but can be broken. I'm a work in progress with hubby not controlling things and it's getting easier and happier after just a month.
Good Luck!0 -
So if I want to make me wife angry I should offer her delicious food and think she may enjoy it.
Got it.0 -
Your husband didn't sabotage you. He treated you out to a nice movie and dinner. Then you decided to throw in the towel and binge.
Until you learn to take responsibility for your actions, you will be stuck in this cycle for a long time.0 -
This^^ you gotta learn that.
The world doesn't stop turning because you are trying to lose weight.
^^^ Ditto, love this. The vast majority of folks on this thread aren't being "rude" (as a previous commenter put it), they are being real.0 -
Hi.
I completely understand what your saying. I tell my husband that he's sabotaging me all the time. I use to cave when he would pick up McDonald's for breakfast or what not, but i have learned to resistant the temptation. It's definitely not easy. It's also annoying when he's chowing down on a disgustingly delicious fast food burger and I'm eating broccoli and chicken salad.
Here's what I do to help me get through the cravings that my husband brings upon me:
1. I nonchalantly inform him about some facts or a study that I found on an "awareness" website about the food he is eating. For example, If he brings home McDonalds I'll say; "Ohh that looks so good even though I know it's not even real chicken. Actually today I was reading an article about a study that was done on the stuff they call "chicken" at McDonalds. They call it pink slime. Ohh wait, I'll pull up the video for you." Then I literally pull up the video. Ha ha, point for me. I'm evil I know.
2. If he offers me any kind of junk food I'll say, " No thanks, I have overcome the processed food addiction. You know they literally add additives in that to keep your body craving that junk? It's such a conspiracy. Sad how so many oblivious people are still hooked on it...poor fools. Well on the plus side, the insurance companies are making a fortune off of all the health issuers that this type or artificial food brings." (I don't know if anything i'm telling him is actually true..I just fake it.
So you get the point. lol In reality I really want to jump across the table like a wild animal and eat whatever he is eating. This is just the way I release my annoyance of the situation without caving. Long story short: I make him feel bad about whatever he 's eating because I want it and can't have it without feeling guilty. So, counter attacking him in a passive aggressive way makes up for not eating what he's eating.
sick I know....but it works0 -
Okay maybe I should have elaborated. When I tell him "no thank you" (bc I am totally not an idiot I knew this) He guilts me with BS. Lots and Lots of BS. I try to explain to him that food is like drugs to me. I have to stay away from it and get to a "clean" spot before I can reintroduce stuff. But when I suggest other things he makes me feel like I am just ruining his day. He says things like well you deserve a break or we don't get out much we deserve this! It makes me feel like I am wrong for trying to get healthy. So no he doesn't force feed me at gun point but he does bring it in front of me and pressures me into eating with him. I hope everyone understands that I know I can make my own choices and I do take responsibility for my choices. but If you have never struggled with addiction then it is hard to pass judgement.
My husband is 5'10'' & 135lbs so he eats ALL THE TIME & wants to eat ALL THE TIME. I am 5'1'' & weigh 135 so of course I cannot do that. When we go out to eat, I already have looked up the menu & picked the healthiest thing I could. Yes, sometimes he gets irritated because we can't eat at places like Carl's JR together, but I've been dieting for 4 months now & now he knows the program. He's super supportive now. I think at first, he just didn't understand what I had to do to lose weight. We talked about it & I explained to him all the things that I had to do to lose weight & he appreciated that I explained everything to him. Good luck!0 -
It has been stated many times... You choose what goes into your body. If you are at a place that he takes you out to do the best that you can in making the best eating choices. If you get to pic where to dine that know where to go and what to eat that will allow you to stay within your macros. And a day here and there will not de-rail your fitness / weight-loss goals. It is always good to treat ones self.0
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I'm working on my diet and exercise (still figuring it all out somewhat) and while I may treat myself to things here and there, I would probably never go to a buffet --- even if my wife wants Wendys or McDonalds, I will get her what she wants and get myself a salad. While your husband may not be helping, you can always suggest other places to eat or things to do.
and this ---> "The world doesn't stop turning because you are trying to lose weight."0 -
God people on here are so mean! Its really hard to live with someone that shares meals with you and isn't sticking to the same diet. Its almost impossible to stick to your diet, but it could be done. This is something I struggle with also. When I cook dinner, my boyfriend is stuck eating the healthy things I eat, and I can ask him not to bring junk into the house but at the end of the day, I have to say NO a lot. He's always offering me crap. Just remember, you both are not on the same path or journey toward weight loss so you can't eat the same things.0
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I don't want to sound mean, or unsympathetic to your situation. But ultimately it's you who decides what to eat, and ultimately it's you who needs to get the will power, or strength or whatever it is to make the changes necessary. It seems like frequently someone makes a change and they are really excited about these changes which is great, but they don't understand that just because you've decided to make a change that your partner hasn't made that decision as well. It's great if they have, but if they haven't you've got to decide to either a.continue on your own, and be your own cheerleader. or b.stop. Maybe eventually he'll join you, but maybe he won't, and you've got to deal with that..
There are plenty of people on here who will support you, and help with questions you have. etc .
You've said your husband guilt you into eating? could you provide examples, I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around that statement? Also make sure you eat in moderation, I eat ice cream or chocolate every other day, because I frankly love it and don't feel like I could do this for the long haul depriving myself of food. But I make sure that it fits in my macros so that I can have balance.
Try to stop focusing on your partner sabotaging you, and focus instead on your goals, and how YOU will reach them.0 -
There is not a single restaurant in the world at which it would be impossible to make healthy choices. NOT ONE. I go out with my husband and my child almost every weekend night. And I am perfectly capable of making choices that are consistent with my weight loss goals.
And there is not a meal cooked at home that is not satisfying to all members of my family.
This is not rocket surgery. It's food.0 -
Although blaming someone else never helps, I do know where you`re coming from. My husband and I have a great relationship except when it involves food. Doing groceries can feel like a battlefield (white or wholegrain bread, 2% or almond milk, etc…) and the inevitable whine I hear after he learns there`s kale or any other supperfood in his dinner is enough to make someone just want to give up and let him order a pizza (he still whines if he`s eating it alone and I’m eating a salad). But the truth is I’ve been here before, and I stuck to my guns and slowly the battles weren’t as hard and eventually he was choosing the healthier options without a fight. Then I went and got pregnant and we both took advantage and I`m back to fighting about food, but now with a kid in the mix!
So just keep working on it, it will get easier!0 -
I love this girl! I play those games all the time too. Sometimes I resort to calling him gross, though..lolHi.
I completely understand what your saying. I tell my husband that he's sabotaging me all the time. I use to cave when he would pick up McDonald's for breakfast or what not, but i have learned to resistant the temptation. It's definitely not easy. It's also annoying when he's chowing down on a disgustingly delicious fast food burger and I'm eating broccoli and chicken salad.
Here's what I do to help me get through the cravings that my husband brings upon me:
1. I nonchalantly inform him about some facts or a study that I found on an "awareness" website about the food he is eating. For example, If he brings home McDonalds I'll say; "Ohh that looks so good even though I know it's not even real chicken. Actually today I was reading an article about a study that was done on the stuff they call "chicken" at McDonalds. They call it pink slime. Ohh wait, I'll pull up the video for you." Then I literally pull up the video. Ha ha, point for me. I'm evil I know.
2. If he offers me any kind of junk food I'll say, " No thanks, I have overcome the processed food addiction. You know they literally add additives in that to keep your body craving that junk? It's such a conspiracy. Sad how so many oblivious people are still hooked on it...poor fools. Well on the plus side, the insurance companies are making a fortune off of all the health issuers that this type or artificial food brings." (I don't know if anything i'm telling him is actually true..I just fake it.
So you get the point. lol In reality I really want to jump across the table like a wild animal and eat whatever he is eating. This is just the way I release my annoyance of the situation without caving. Long story short: I make him feel bad about whatever he 's eating because I want it and can't have it without feeling guilty. So, counter attacking him in a passive aggressive way makes up for not eating what he's eating.
sick I know....but it works0 -
And thank you very much to the posters that understand where I am coming from. It is more than just him bringing it in front of me. It is the guilt trio I get for not eating it. The statements that we are "growing apart" if I try to not eat if I am full. I know he does not mean to but it is a switch. Once I have one chip I want the bag. It is like an addict they can;t just have one. You have to have an understanding of addiction to know where I am coming from!
I can relate. One thing that you can do the next time he says statements like you're "growing apart" is, "well perhaps we can do something more active than eat? like go for a walk after dinner or first thing in the morning before the kids wake up."0 -
There is not a single restaurant in the world at which it would be impossible to make healthy choices. NOT ONE. I go out with my husband and my child almost every weekend night. And I am perfectly capable of making choices that are consistent with my weight loss goals.
And there is not a meal cooked at home that is not satisfying to all members of my family.
This is not rocket surgery. It's food.
This. This is why I said that a "no eating out for 30 days challenge" is silly.
ETA: How about a challenge where you MUST go out to eat for 30 days and make healthy choices? Now that would be a challenge!0 -
Have you tried talking to him about why it's important to you to make these changes? How could he argue with a wife who wants to get healthier so that she'll be around for him and your kids for more years? And not only that you'll be around but you'll have energy and mobility and self confidence (which can come in real handy in the bedroom, wink, nudge) so your quality of life also will be better. Let him know you're really serious about this and really want his support. He doesn't have to change with you but it would help you if he could understand and support your desire and efforts to change.
And for the rest of it, you're just going to have to grow a stronger backbone. When you say no, mean it. When he pushes and tries to guilt trip you - ask why he thinks you not eating something threatens your relationship (growing apart)? Seriously, I would want an explanation for a statement like that.
My Hubs has been pretty supportive with my weigh loss (especially the exercise end of it) but when it comes to healthier food choices, he's not always receptive to change. So we've had some pretty good conversations about why it's important to eat certain things and limit other things. Notice I didn't say avoid other things. It's all about balance. You can still have movie popcorn and Chinese, just keep making those healthier choices like you did at the buffet and keep your portions low. And don't forget you can exercise to compensate for those excess calories. 0 -
For example, If he brings home McDonalds I'll say; "Ohh that looks so good even though I know it's not even real chicken. Actually today I was reading an article about a study that was done on the stuff they call "chicken" at McDonalds. They call it pink slime. Ohh wait, I'll pull up the video for you." Then I literally pull up the video. Ha ha, point for me. I'm evil I know.
wow- passive aggressive much0 -
The issue here is not one of food or discipline, it's about respect.
Either he respects you enough to assist you in your diet choices, or he doesn't. And while you are ultimately the only person responsible for what goes into your body, a man who bullies you, mocks you, guilts you, or throws stones in your path is not someone who I'd want to stay around.
Discipline isn't the issue. It's decision-making—making the choice, in the moment, every moment, to either put it in your face or not.
Agreed!! I know it's probably hard, but if he doesn't respect your decision making and goals then there is a bigger problem at hand. I didn't read all the posts, but have you tried to get him to do it with you? And he could be severely insecure that you'll get the body you want and then leave him...
Ultimately it's your choice to eat the food, but there could be underlying reasons why he is making it so much harder than it needs to be.0 -
There is not a single restaurant in the world at which it would be impossible to make healthy choices. NOT ONE. I go out with my husband and my child almost every weekend night. And I am perfectly capable of making choices that are consistent with my weight loss goals.
And there is not a meal cooked at home that is not satisfying to all members of my family.
This is not rocket surgery. It's food.
lol rocket surgery?!0
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