Struggling with body image

Running doesn't make you gain, but I think that you can only fully recover if you stop thinking about weight - minutes - calories - gains - clothes - numbers and anything related. I know it's hard, you can do it by little steps. But you know you *have* to gain some healthy, necessary weight to get better. No one is going to tell you anything about that, because they know that's good for you.

Well I think you look great in your profile picture.

I know how it is to obsess about thighs and the fit of clothes and the best advice I can give you is to ditch the anorexia wardrobe and buy clothes that will fit your 110lb self - switch up that feeling of everything being tight and start wearing clothes that won't start to look good until you gain some weight. Its like giving up smoking - you've got top ditch those props.

As for what others will think of you - I have had my own struggles with this. I have melasma (patches of pigment on my face). I struggle to cover them with makeup and used to obsess about them, like I thought people wouldn't like me if I didn't look perfect. I was away with work one day and at my boss's suggestion, I decided to be brave and not wear makeup - the weather was really hot and sunny, I was out in it pretty much all day and struggling to re-apply sunscreen (very important for melasma sufferers) without removing all my makeup and re-applying every few hours. Once we were in the car there was no going back. I did panic, but the thing that suprised me most was that nobody stopped talking to me - nobody ignored me, nobody really made any kind of fuss over it. If they noticed they didn't mention it, and to be honest, I think it made me more approachable. And that's when I realised that my version of perfect was different to everyone else's. Being less than perfect made me a real person.

So I am recovering from anorexia...yes I have a team and yes they know all this. I have started gaining weight outpatient for the first time. I officially today have gained 3 lbs. I am 5 ft 7.5 inches and now weigh 89.6 lbs...this is highest I have been in months and I haven't been over 90 lbs since Feb. I am struggling because already I see the changes in my face and thighs and the fit of my clothes and I am freaking out. I know I have to gain to 110-115 by may and I am just scared what others will think about me. Anyone have any support.

Also, after my 5k on thanksgiving I am thinking of stopping my two 30 minute runs per week. I run really slow (thanks anorexia) and only run like 20 mins of the 30...will this make me gain a ton?

Thanks for everything.

stop the running. do not do the 5K. do light walking or yoga. I can't imagine your treatment team would support you doing a 5K at your bmi.

congratulations on your decision to get well, but eating the calories necessary for adequate gain will be challenging enough for you...exercising even some of those calories away is impeding your efforts.

This is coming from someone who is still in reovery from an ED (still have major body image issues)....

Do NOT stop running. As people above you are trying to tell you. Yes, I agree with them that its not very healthy. But you can't stop running and start eating all at once. That is like taking crack from a Coke head and telling them to deal with it. It doesn't work. You're brain is not wired like that.

I would however suggest reducing your runs to about 10-15 mins max and walk the other 15 min. Then you need to drink a big protein shake when you get back from your run. Make this your new habit!! I would also add one day or stregth training to your routine. Only 15 min or so at first. Start building yoru muscle again. *edited to add - I agree that you should probably not do the 5k next week!!!

As for food - you need to find healthy fats and more carbs to give you the energy. Your diary is not open, but obviously you need to start consuming more calories. You don't want to increase too much too quickly. Again - going extreme will make you revert to old habits. Add 100 cal or so per week until you get up to about 1100-1300 cal a day! Then your team can help you re-adjust to keep you on track!!

In regards to what people will think - this will be the hardest for you to process....but people will think you are amazing!!! People will commend your strength to get healthy! You HAVE to believe that. Best of luck to you!! Stay strong - stay focused!!

I'm assumign your "team" is professionals who are helping you with ED recovery. If so, and they approve of your running, don't worry about the naysayers above. If your team hasn't approved your running, ask them to. On top of making sure you're eating enough to get healthier and regain the necessary weight, you also need to make sure you're getting enough calories/nutrients to support a more intense exercise like running.

I am just scared what others will think about me. Anyone have any support.

They will probably think you are looking healthier and better.

Agreed!

i don't like to say i'm "recovered" because those thoughts always come back, but i gained 100 lbs after deciding i wouldn't let my disorder take my life, i've re-lost 30 of it healthily, and i am SO much happier in life!!! your looks DO NOT define you! be the person that you are, nourish your beautiful body, and remember that the people that matter will love you no matter what

The only way you're going to be able to change your lifestyle and be healthy and happier is if you let go of the idea that doing all this will make you "bigger". You will end up HEALTHIER, and your body will function properly. You will have MORE energy, more stamina, and be able to DO more in your life.

The "being bigger" part is irrelevant. The being-healthier and able-to-do-things is important, not what you look like while doing them.

It will take a LOT of time, and a LOT of effort. It's a re-training of your mind as much as re-training of you body, and it won't be easy. But you'll have to let go of the validation you've gotten from the idea of being "smaller" and instead find a different source of validation.

Best of luck.

Just know that there are people on both sides of the fence that obsess about these things. Even as people lose weight they are very hard on themselves, dont like how they look, feel guilty about eating, ect. You will overcome this, you are stronger than this! I would just continue to slowly change your ways and develop a healthy way of life and try not to focus on the #'s ( i know easier said than done). Being comfortable in our own skin is a very hard thing to do, it doesnt just happen overnight. Keeping striving to your goals!

I am 20+ years in recovery from bulimia. I ate 800-1000 calories per day and exercised off at least 500 of them. Everyone was so proud of me because no one was allowed to see how little I was actually eating. I ended up with amenorrhea and malnourished. I was never as small as you are now or as you hope to be, but I was way too small for me. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I know you are freaking out. And it's strange because I am freaking out in fear about not being able to make myself stop losing once I get down to a healthy weight again. I let myself get to and stay at 190+ for 10 years because I was scared of going back to the bad old days. For me, obese was healthier than underweight, but I am now aiming for healthiest. And so are you. Don't let the mirror freak you out. Don't let the scale freak you out. Let feeling better be your guiding light.

I don't think I would stop running, if I were you. I think I'd keep running and eat back every calorie of every run. Remind yourself that you earned those and you are worth feeding. Good luck. I'll be praying for you from a place of true empathy.

ETA: after reading others responses, I see some add weight/resistance training. Please ask your doctor about a bone density test before you do this. My understanding (granted docs have learned a lot in 20 years) is that if your bones aren't dense enough, actual weight lifting can cause micro fractures that may cause you real problems with osteoporosis later in life. Again, I could be wrong, but I thought a cautionary word couldn't hurt. I think resistance bands would be okay, but it really depends on your individual nutritional status. I also agree with adding a protein shake after your runs.