Here I go Again!

I have tried several attempts to loose weight. I bet for what I have spent on products and gyms, I could have bought a new car or . I am tired of being sick, I am tired of going to doctors, and just plain tired. I have did the cry for help and people like, well yes I will be there for you. Few days later they are gone. Abs. no help at home. I have did the whole logging food, positive journel. Stevia/no steviahome. I have watched my cousishe had lost a total of 41 plus pounds in a 6 month time frame. Mother in law same way losing weight. I know it all boils down to it has to be you, but what do you do when it can't be you? What do you do at that point. Do I just sit and slowly die? I am killing myself slowly each day. I can feel my body saying that's not normal. Dizzy, shakey, etc..... but yet I feel so out of control. How do you take control of something you can't control? If I could control it, I wouldn't be in this place.

I am constantly sick, my immune system you may as well say doesn't exist! I have visited 5 different doctors, I would say in the past 5 months. They have all told me something different. So really who's right? What do I do? Which one do I listen too? I am so confused. Drink dairy, don't drink dairy, eat 500 cal a day---well If I could do than loose 41 pounds, she found out she was diabetic and with meds doctors put her on t I wouldn't have this problem. Yes I am mad at the world but who isn't for some reason or the other. So I am trying yet again to do this on my own. I have no support what so ever. I have a 3year old son and a husband who eats basically what they want, and have spoken with my spouse about helping me on several occasions. I have no control over the food in our home. My husband brings in food and though he should eat better, I can't tell him what he can and can't have.

I will be honest my exercise ethic is horrible, I have had to move my exercise equipment due to my son injuring himself on it, so I can't just access it whenever I please. I never have anyone to watch him to go out and workout on it. I am in the process of making me a woman cave, but still who's gonna watch my son when I'm out there? Not making excuses, but just stating my problems.

My eating ethics are horrible, but I can go all day and eat perfect, then I go home and it's whatever I can find goes into my mouth while I'm working and taking care of my son. I just want to shove anything and everything I can, almost like a benge. My clothes are getting tighter. I have gained atleast 30 pounds since my vacation. I eat the same all day, and it blows by the time I get home. I even purposely take no money so I can't stop on the way home for fast food. But will eat it all when I get home.

I am not sure where to go from here. I just can't believe that when I was younger that nothing would conquer me, but this is gonna kill me.