Why should this time be different?

Sorry for the long post - need to get this out, though!

I started seriously using MFP August 09 at 168 lbs. I had already lost down from my highest weight of 190, but for over a year I yo-yo'd around in the 160's, and I was tired of it. I did great, joined some very helpful challenges, gave up ALL alcohol, finished the C25k program, and lost down to 154. I had to buy new clothes on my trip home to Texas for the holidays, and, for the first time in a long time, I ENJOYED buying new clothes. I still had weight to lose, but I was out of the overweight BMI and I looked good in pictures again (what is it about pictures??).

Anyway, right before Christmas, I fell off the wagon. It was cold and dark outside, I went to the German Christmas markets and ate every calorific treat in sight. I was tired of the tediousness of tracking calories and I just wasn't as motivated to put on running tights and run in the freezing temperatures. Still, after New Years, I started to get back on track, when, BAM!, I injured my knee in a yoga class, of all things. My knee blew up and I couldn't do anything for a little over three months. I got depressed and just gave up.

The reality is, it is not true that I couldn't do "anything" for exercise. I could have worked on weight lifting, done some boxing, gentle/short walks after a few weeks - I could have found something to do to keep up some fitness. I could have continued to log on MFP and lost weight with diet and less exercise. My point is, I made excuses, but I COULD have stayed true to myself and my goals. As summer approached, oh man, I got depressed. This was supposed to be the summer I put on a bathing suit again - we were going on a dream vacation to Greece. Ouch. So, this summer, I was depressed and I ate everything. I piled on the lbs and come this Aug 2010, found myself back up to 178! I gained over 20 lbs this summer alone. My knee was healed, but I didn't get back to my running training. So, here I am again, facing the holidays overweight and dreading parties with cocktail dresses, hating myself in pictures, and just really angry with myself.

Until 5 years ago, I was never overweight. My weight would fluctuate within a 20 lb range in my early 20s (college!), but around 24, I started running, so I pretty much could eat what I want and stay thin. Still, I had an eating disorder as a teen, so it feels like I've always struggled with my weight and body image. 5 years ago, well, it was sort of the culmination of A LOT of stuff I won't bore you with, including an injury that stopped my running, and I just piled on 65 + lbs almost overnight, it seemed.

So, I'm in my mid-thirties and I feel like the last 5 years have been wasted on hating my body and myself. I should be enjoying life, not hiding at home because I have "nothing to wear." Instead, I find myself 10 lbs heavier than this time last year with a very nasty feeling of deja vu. Why should this time be different? It is very hard to start down this road again, and forget the 24 lbs I put on and have to lose AGAIN (not to mention the next 20). I know that this is something I probably have to answer myself, but I figured if anyone could understand, it would be the people of MFP. Thank you for reading!