adoption
ZombieGeezUs
Posts: 476
in Chit-Chat
The wife and I are looking into adoption and I was wondering if anyone here has done so. What was it like? Was it more or less difficult than you thought? If you were adopted, can you share your experience?
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Replies
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I have not but I wish you both luck. It is a noble endeavor.0
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I haven't adopted either, but just wanted to say that is a very kind and loving thing to do. Some child (or children) out there will be very lucky to call yourself and your wife their parents.0
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I'm adopted. I'm not really sure what you mean by experience though. I had a normal childhood except that my mom (my adopted mom, but I consider her my real mom) died when I was 3. I have a great relationship with my family and never felt out of place. In our family, the guys sometimes have "issues", so there are a lot of adopted kids in our family. I'm not sure about how I would have felt if I hadn't had so many other adopted cousins, but it was totally normal to me and I never really gave it a second thought. I met my birthmom when I was 19 and now we are very close, but it took years for us to form a relationship since we were strangers. But now she's very close with my family and I'm very close with hers. But she was also always very respectful towards the fact that I felt that my adopted family was what I considered my real family. I also have friends who are adopted and just like with anyone else, the experience varies. I had a great one and didn't care about blood. A friend of mine had a harder time with that and didn't have the best relationship with his parents. It comes in all forms. But I love being adopted and want to do it myself if I ever want kids. I know that my mom and dad waited a long time and had to jump through a lot of hoops, but I HOPE they're glad they did! :bigsmile:0
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I'm an adoptee (from back in the dark ages of closed adoptions) and am forever grateful to my bio mother for realizing she couldn't properly raise me. I'm also grateful to my mom and dad for taking the chance on little six month old me.
Without a doubt my life turned out way better than if I'd stayed with my birth family.
My only advice is from day one be up front with your child that he/she is adopted. The only angst around my birth circumstances during the childhood and teen years was my parents refusal to acknowledge my being adopted. They continued for whatever unknown reasons, to try to keep it a secret. Thankfully nowadays I think this line of reasoning has lost favor.
Best of luck to you in the process.0 -
I've adopted internationally twice. PM me any of your questions and I'll answer them as honestly as I can.0
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I have not but I wish you both luck. It is a noble endeavor.
Thank you and thank you as well, srogers0 -
I'm adopted. I'm not really sure what you mean by experience though. I had a normal childhood except that my mom (my adopted mom, but I consider her my real mom) died when I was 3. I have a great relationship with my family and never felt out of place. In our family, the guys sometimes have "issues", so there are a lot of adopted kids in our family. I'm not sure about how I would have felt if I hadn't had so many other adopted cousins, but it was totally normal to me and I never really gave it a second thought. I met my birthmom when I was 19 and now we are very close, but it took years for us to form a relationship since we were strangers. But now she's very close with my family and I'm very close with hers. But she was also always very respectful towards the fact that I felt that my adopted family was what I considered my real family. I also have friends who are adopted and just like with anyone else, the experience varies. I had a great one and didn't care about blood. A friend of mine had a harder time with that and didn't have the best relationship with his parents. It comes in all forms. But I love being adopted and want to do it myself if I ever want kids. I know that my mom and dad waited a long time and had to jump through a lot of hoops, but I HOPE they're glad they did! :bigsmile:
Well, I took a class and there are stages of grief that an adopted child goes through (according to DCS). I was wondering if you went through any of those stages and if so, what was done to help you? Thank you for sharing your story.0 -
I'm an adoptee (from back in the dark ages of closed adoptions) and am forever grateful to my bio mother for realizing she couldn't properly raise me. I'm also grateful to my mom and dad for taking the chance on little six month old me.
Without a doubt my life turned out way better than if I'd stayed with my birth family.
My only advice is from day one be up front with your child that he/she is adopted. The only angst around my birth circumstances during the childhood and teen years was my parents refusal to acknowledge my being adopted. They continued for whatever unknown reasons, to try to keep it a secret. Thankfully nowadays I think this line of reasoning has lost favor.
Best of luck to you in the process.
Oh, we decided that we were going to be up front.0 -
I'm adopted. I'm not really sure what you mean by experience though. I had a normal childhood except that my mom (my adopted mom, but I consider her my real mom) died when I was 3. I have a great relationship with my family and never felt out of place. In our family, the guys sometimes have "issues", so there are a lot of adopted kids in our family. I'm not sure about how I would have felt if I hadn't had so many other adopted cousins, but it was totally normal to me and I never really gave it a second thought. I met my birthmom when I was 19 and now we are very close, but it took years for us to form a relationship since we were strangers. But now she's very close with my family and I'm very close with hers. But she was also always very respectful towards the fact that I felt that my adopted family was what I considered my real family. I also have friends who are adopted and just like with anyone else, the experience varies. I had a great one and didn't care about blood. A friend of mine had a harder time with that and didn't have the best relationship with his parents. It comes in all forms. But I love being adopted and want to do it myself if I ever want kids. I know that my mom and dad waited a long time and had to jump through a lot of hoops, but I HOPE they're glad they did! :bigsmile:
Well, I took a class and there are stages of grief that an adopted child goes through (according to DCS). I was wondering if you went through any of those stages and if so, what was done to help you? Thank you for sharing your story.
Hmm. I'm wondering if I even did go through those stages. I had some abandonment issues, but I always felt them more towards my mom who died (even though I knew it wasn't her choice, obviously) when I was 3 rather than my birthmom. I always assumed that she did it for me so I could have a better life. But my friend had some really bad issues with fear of rejection. Since he didn't get along with his parents he was always worried they would send him away. They wouldn't, but he always feared it. I know family counseling really helped them. Especially in high school. I know a few of my cousins had issues where they felt like they didn't fit in, and that was really where having a bunch of adopted kids in the family was so great. I never felt that because I liked being different (only one in the family with red hair!), but when someone was feeling down, I know it helped to have someone what was in the same position listen. So if you know of any other adopted people around you, it'd be great for them to know that they aren't alone. I think the one major issue I have is being TOO protective of my family. I don't want to leave and if I'm not around, I feel ever so guilty (my grandma doesn't help that either! She wants me to live next door!). So that does hinder me in life a bit. But I don't think that wanting to stay around your family is an adopted thing, but who knows? When I was first adopted, I was still a baby (about 7 months old) and I didn't like to be held. I'm a very tactile person in general, so that was surprising to find out it took a while for me to be ok with being cuddled. But those are the issues that I can think of. Again, having an adopted person around who can empathize really seemed to work out great with me and my cousins to deal with some of those issues.0 -
I'm adopted. I'm not really sure what you mean by experience though. I had a normal childhood except that my mom (my adopted mom, but I consider her my real mom) died when I was 3. I have a great relationship with my family and never felt out of place. In our family, the guys sometimes have "issues", so there are a lot of adopted kids in our family. I'm not sure about how I would have felt if I hadn't had so many other adopted cousins, but it was totally normal to me and I never really gave it a second thought. I met my birthmom when I was 19 and now we are very close, but it took years for us to form a relationship since we were strangers. But now she's very close with my family and I'm very close with hers. But she was also always very respectful towards the fact that I felt that my adopted family was what I considered my real family. I also have friends who are adopted and just like with anyone else, the experience varies. I had a great one and didn't care about blood. A friend of mine had a harder time with that and didn't have the best relationship with his parents. It comes in all forms. But I love being adopted and want to do it myself if I ever want kids. I know that my mom and dad waited a long time and had to jump through a lot of hoops, but I HOPE they're glad they did! :bigsmile:
Well, I took a class and there are stages of grief that an adopted child goes through (according to DCS). I was wondering if you went through any of those stages and if so, what was done to help you? Thank you for sharing your story.
Hmm. I'm wondering if I even did go through those stages. I had some abandonment issues, but I always felt them more towards my mom who died (even though I knew it wasn't her choice, obviously) when I was 3 rather than my birthmom. I always assumed that she did it for me so I could have a better life. But my friend had some really bad issues with fear of rejection. Since he didn't get along with his parents he was always worried they would send him away. They wouldn't, but he always feared it. I know family counseling really helped them. Especially in high school. I know a few of my cousins had issues where they felt like they didn't fit in, and that was really where having a bunch of adopted kids in the family was so great. I never felt that because I liked being different (only one in the family with red hair!), but when someone was feeling down, I know it helped to have someone what was in the same position listen. So if you know of any other adopted people around you, it'd be great for them to know that they aren't alone. I think the one major issue I have is being TOO protective of my family. I don't want to leave and if I'm not around, I feel ever so guilty (my grandma doesn't help that either! She wants me to live next door!). So that does hinder me in life a bit. But I don't think that wanting to stay around your family is an adopted thing, but who knows? When I was first adopted, I was still a baby (about 7 months old) and I didn't like to be held. I'm a very tactile person in general, so that was surprising to find out it took a while for me to be ok with being cuddled. But those are the issues that I can think of. Again, having an adopted person around who can empathize really seemed to work out great with me and my cousins to deal with some of those issues.
We plan on adopting an older child, so we will just have to see. I am hoping we won't have too many issues. It can get a little rough. I am glad it worked out for you
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I'm a birthmother. PM me if you want my side of things. I would really rather not share this with the entire forum.0
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First, I am not saying this to scare you or try to make you change your mind....but, I have a friend that adopted three older children (all from the same family). However, the adoption agency didn't tell her about medical, behavioral, psychological issues these children had prior to adoption. She found out the "hard way". I won't share the stories, but just enough to say the mental health facility knows her voice when she calls and has her paperwork ready when she arrives. It's really sad!!!
Just make sure you get a complete history. I think what you are considering is wonderful...Good Luck!!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Both myself & my older brother are adoptees (different bio parents). I was adopted at 6weeks old so obviously I was totally unaware of the fact at the time. My brother was 3 when he was adopted and had been in the care system for 10mths previous to that. I know that my mum & dad had me on a 6wk initial basis after placement to ensure that all went well. They had really good support from social services with that. The vetting process in the UK is extremely high for prospective parents here. I started to trace my bio mum at 18, but stopped the process when I found out I was expecting a baby myself. I felt that it would have been too much emotionally to take on board at the time. Since then both myself & my brother have traced our birth families with different results. Mine went better than his long term. I also found that I have 6 younger siblings. Two of which live with their grandparents on their dads side, & one who lives with her grandparents on her bio mums side. I think it was actually a harder process during reconciliation for the sibling on bio mums side, as she lost out on being the oldest child, and I think she had a pretty hard time dealing with me turning up.
As another poster stated its a different process for everyone. I have friends who have such a hard time dealing with being adopted & others who don't. From my personal experience, my parents were totally up front that we were adopted, & I honestly cant remember not knowing that I was! So it was never really a big issue for me it just seemed completely normal. When I was younger my parents used to always celebrate my adoption day as well as my birthday. So that was really good too.
Its a great thing that you & your wife are opening up your lives to a child. Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
My mom has worked with social services so I know how hard it is for abandoned kids, that's why if I'll ever find a good husband and have a good situation I will probably adopt. I wish you and your family all the best!0
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I am adopted and have 2 daughters I adopted from China as a single parent.
There are so many resources out there, but I would suggest starting off with a conversation on what the two of you are comfortable with in terms of adoption. Open or closed (or somewhere in between), domestic or international, race, age, gender, single or siblings, etc. Be honest with what you are able to handle. I'm single so I wasn't going to be able to parent an older child with lots of needs. I needed to be able to work full time, not conducive to lots of medical and/or mental health that really need one full time parent.
Check with your local social services office for informational meetings, many have them and the provide general info about different programs they offer. Shop around for services and start telling people you know and trust that you are thinking about this path. You will likely get some great referrals and start meeting other adoptive families (we are everywhere and most are willing to share info). It really is important to be an informed consumer especially for services in international adoption as rules change and you need a good advocate to work for you.
Once your adoption is complete, we all are just parents. We may have different issues and dynamics but essentially I like to think that adoption is how I (and my daughters) entered my family, it doesn't define who we are.0 -
I adopted my twins, almost 6 years ago now. I strongly suggest you check the www.adoption.com message boards for some up to date information... I'm a little bit out of the loop. It was a long process though. We adopted domestically... I hear it's pretty hard to adopt abroad nowadays (although for older children, maybe not?).
We adopted babies though... With older children you have to be ready for some sort of emotional issues. Good luck!0 -
Kidnapping is easier, faster, and less expensive.
.....clearly joking. But someone's going to take me seriously and blah blah. But honestly! Why is adopting so difficult?! I get back ground checks and protecting the kids but there's an extent!0 -
I am adopted, I was only 8 days old when I was brought home. My parents were always honest up front about it. I didn't have any issues and never wanted to find my birth mother. (this was with closed adoption)
No matter what age you adopt a child there are ways to deal with issues. My parents always told me that I was special and they picked me. While it may not help everyone all the time, it does help. Pointing out that you adopted because you really wanted a child. The bio parents didn't want to give you up, but had to. Make it about giving the child a better life than they would have had, giving them an opportunity.
You already took a class, but adopting older children has its issues. Many children adopted from as Russia are autistic and like one woman said they don't always tell you about issues. They want to get the kids adopted. Be prepared with family psychologist. Don't think of it as a bad thing. Letting the child have someone outside the home they can talk to helps with some of the normal issues too. I mean a kid that gets adopted is often afraid to say things for fear you won't want them either or does things to get sent away to prove the point. But having someone they can talk to, or play act with, can help them deal with the emotions.
I think Adoption is a wonderful thing and it takes a strong person to adopt an older child. Be prepared, there could be many issues that you won't know or see up front.0 -
I've been on two sides of the adoption triangle - I was adopted as an infant and I was a birth mother who placed my baby for adoption when he was born. I met my birth parents when I was pregnant with my son; and my son's adoptive parents have made me a part of his life since he was born. It definitely gives me an interesting perspective on the issue and I have lots of opinions that I won't write a book about here. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or would like to hear more of my story :flowerforyou:0
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Thank you everyone for your input! It has been very helpful!0
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