So My gran died 8 years ago today...

workout_ninja
workout_ninja Posts: 524 Member
in Chit-Chat
Its all over facebook, lots of family members are posting about her saying they love her and miss her loads and I honestly cannot bring myself to do the same. I wasnt upset when she died, I dont miss her and never have. The only time I cried was when my mum was upset over her death.

The only memories I have of my gran are bad ones. We are a big family and she made it abundantly clear that I wasnt even in her top 10 favourite grandkids. She would often ignore me or when made to do something with me by my mum, she would deliberately make it boring for me so I would never ask again.

She was a bad woman and I could not feel guiltier for thinking like this! I just had to get this off my chest cause I cant do it on Facebook!

Sorry!

Replies

  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    It was 8 years ago. If people ask just say you moved on. All my grandparents died within the last 5 years and nobody in my family mentions it on the day they passed.

    You should also stop thinking yourself as being ranked with others. You said you weren't top 10 of the grandkids in her eyes. That seems to still bother you. She's gone, move on.
  • MysteriousMerlin
    MysteriousMerlin Posts: 2,270 Member
    Similar situation for me too!

    Granted, I do miss her a little, and I do love her. I just don't feel all that sad. She had her 2 favorites (out of 13), and didn't bother to spend a lot of time with my mom's kids. She was fun to be around but I never felt close to her.
  • michael1976_ca
    michael1976_ca Posts: 3,488 Member
    its ok i didn't have a great relationship with my gradma either but she was a nasty mean woman with a very hot temper. when she lost her memories she was the kindest friendliest woman on earth. my family doesn't really do fb so i don't have to worry. i chose to remember the good time in her final years. the past is gone. can't do any thing about it
  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
    You said you weren't top 10 of the grandkids in her eyes. That seems to still bother you. She's gone, move on.

    I think this is a little harsh. These are wounds that don't just go away with the death of the person who scarred you.
    It is painful to grow up as a young child feeling like you're the odd man out, or that you're not liked. It does something to your self esteem and your self worth and forces you as an impressionable child to measure yourself up against others which could continue throughout her life.

    It's really in HER time that she moves forward from this. I don't think it's for anyone else to judge when or if she ever lets go of how she felt as a child and having that done to her.

    Just my opinion though.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    My grandfather was the same way a horrible racist, sexist, perverted, disgusting, abusive piece of caca doodoo! I only cried when I saw my uncles cry when the old pterodactyl died (thats what my baby sister said he looked like when he was on his death bed, LOL). Otherwise, all I could think was good riddance. My Mom had to come to terms as all grown children under abuse do with the love, guilt, and hate she felt.

    Nothing to feel guilty about you turn to the family (or friends) who are there for you, and give you the love and support that you need. Just because they are family does not mean we are obligated to love them...sharing of genetic material means nothing it's the sharing of heart that means more.

    Let them express their love and thoughts, and just keep your mouth shut. No sense stirring up drama she is not worth fighting over.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    You said you weren't top 10 of the grandkids in her eyes. That seems to still bother you. She's gone, move on.

    I think this is a little harsh. These are wounds that don't just go away with the death of the person who scarred you.
    It is painful to grow up as a young child feeling like you're the odd man out, or that you're not liked. It does something to your self esteem and your self worth and forces you as an impressionable child to measure yourself up against others which could continue throughout her life.

    It's really in HER time that she moves forward from this. I don't think it's for anyone else to judge when or if she ever lets go of how she felt as a child and having that done to her.

    Just my opinion though.

    theres always going to be a little piece of your heart that yearns for something missed, and like a death in the family sometimes it randomly catches you off guard especially when you get triggers and you have to relive it all over again and grieve...hopefully in a healthy manner that allows you to come to term with the grief and "move on" with your life. personally, i think getting it off your chest in a pretty safe manner, other family wont see it, was a good idea.
  • IronPhyllida
    IronPhyllida Posts: 533 Member
    Its all over facebook, lots of family members are posting about her saying they love her and miss her loads and I honestly cannot bring myself to do the same. I wasnt upset when she died, I dont miss her and never have. The only time I cried was when my mum was upset over her death.

    The only memories I have of my gran are bad ones. We are a big family and she made it abundantly clear that I wasnt even in her top 10 favourite grandkids. She would often ignore me or when made to do something with me by my mum, she would deliberately make it boring for me so I would never ask again.

    She was a bad woman and I could not feel guiltier for thinking like this! I just had to get this off my chest cause I cant do it on Facebook!

    Sorry!
    My grandmother was a very strong woman and hated being old - this made her a bitter woman in her latter years and as I was the youngest she took a lot of it out on me. Not sure what her reasons were etc etc, but her death did nothing to me and the hurt she caused whilst she was alive made me stronger, even if they hurt like hell at the time.
    Chin up chuck and don't feel guilty, move on as best you can.
    This is your life, not hers.
  • RandOver
    RandOver Posts: 3
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  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
    lEA4P.gif

    You really made an account for this... at least start on a strong more or go out with a bang.


    And OP just cause you are related doesn't mean you have to be sad. And 8 years with people still mourning him? he must've been super nice to them or not much is going on in their lives.
  • workout_ninja
    workout_ninja Posts: 524 Member
    I think its just cause its the anniversary, my facebook is filled with "beautiful lady will be missed" and "GBNF" and all that. I do tend to keep my mouth shut. My mum knows how I feel and understands but I wouldnt say anything to anyone else. I guess people forget the bad stuff once someone dies. Thanks for the replies.
  • Mrsallypants
    Mrsallypants Posts: 887 Member
    And?
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
    my grandmother died about 15 years ago & I miss her everyday! I am sorry u didn't have an appropriate relationship. Please just don't make the same mistake she did....
  • bjshields
    bjshields Posts: 677 Member
    I feel for you. My maternal grandmother was horrible to me and my sister, and on top of it was wonderful to some of my cousins -- she basically picked and chose who she treated well and who she treated like s@%. Some of my cousins are trying to tell me now that she was never mean to me, it's just how she was raised, which is total BULL. If it weren't for my sister, I'd feel I was nuts and made the whole thing up in my mind. I'm glad she's gone and my kids don't have to deal with her.

    Your experience is defined by you and no one else. Just let that crap go and try not to worry with it. One good thing, this has made me conscious about how I treat children, with kindness and love -- ALL of them.

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