Need motivation. Feeling down in the dumps.
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MissingMyOldSelf
Posts: 689 Member
Before you read on,... this is a serious post, and I'm REALLY not wanting snarky, sarcastic comments please.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We've been wanting to start a family, but the big roadblock is that my brother, husband and I all live together. In the same house we grew up in, and my brother never left the house to live on his own. My brother is 40 years old, and has the mindset of a 16-ish year old. He was born with a 3lb cyst on his brain, and after approximately 30 surgeries as a very young child, many things were effected, like his eye sight, balance, mental comprehension, etc. We are very lucky in the aspect that he can drive (but he really shouldn't drive at night), and he's held a job at Walmart for the past 8 years. He absolutely loves it.
The problem that we are having is that my brother gets very upset with change. He didn't want us moving up to the house. He HATED when we replaced the non-working appliances from 1978 in the house to working ones. He was mad when we changed the kitchen's appearance by painting the walls and replacing the countertop from a harvest gold color to a newer, modern one. We've tried including him on changes, and he just balls up and clams. Now, we need a new roof, and he's livid. "What's wrong with this one???" Well, the fact that the shingles in spots are curled up are a big signal that it's REALLY time to get a new roof!!!
We asked him to clean out one of the three bedrooms that has all of his things so we can use it as a guest room.... he refuses. It was his old bedroom, and he wants it kept that way, even though he sleeps in my old bedroom. We asked him, " What will happen when a baby comes, and it needs a room?" He just goes to his bedroom and slams the door.
Some of my friends say that he's showing autistic-type tendencies, but I don't know because I've never really been around an autistic person.
I don't know what I can do, minus getting a lawyer involved, to find out what can be done in regards to being a guardian, or if that's even possible. I feel absolutely horrible for turning to a lawyer for something like this, but I don't know what I can do, and this type of situation makes my life awful. I feel depressed. I cry. I scream. I don't know why I'm put in this type of position. he seems like he gets worse and worse over time.
This is probably in the wrong section.... maybe it should have gone in the "general chit chat" area... but I really do need support. and motivation,....
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We've been wanting to start a family, but the big roadblock is that my brother, husband and I all live together. In the same house we grew up in, and my brother never left the house to live on his own. My brother is 40 years old, and has the mindset of a 16-ish year old. He was born with a 3lb cyst on his brain, and after approximately 30 surgeries as a very young child, many things were effected, like his eye sight, balance, mental comprehension, etc. We are very lucky in the aspect that he can drive (but he really shouldn't drive at night), and he's held a job at Walmart for the past 8 years. He absolutely loves it.
The problem that we are having is that my brother gets very upset with change. He didn't want us moving up to the house. He HATED when we replaced the non-working appliances from 1978 in the house to working ones. He was mad when we changed the kitchen's appearance by painting the walls and replacing the countertop from a harvest gold color to a newer, modern one. We've tried including him on changes, and he just balls up and clams. Now, we need a new roof, and he's livid. "What's wrong with this one???" Well, the fact that the shingles in spots are curled up are a big signal that it's REALLY time to get a new roof!!!
We asked him to clean out one of the three bedrooms that has all of his things so we can use it as a guest room.... he refuses. It was his old bedroom, and he wants it kept that way, even though he sleeps in my old bedroom. We asked him, " What will happen when a baby comes, and it needs a room?" He just goes to his bedroom and slams the door.
Some of my friends say that he's showing autistic-type tendencies, but I don't know because I've never really been around an autistic person.
I don't know what I can do, minus getting a lawyer involved, to find out what can be done in regards to being a guardian, or if that's even possible. I feel absolutely horrible for turning to a lawyer for something like this, but I don't know what I can do, and this type of situation makes my life awful. I feel depressed. I cry. I scream. I don't know why I'm put in this type of position. he seems like he gets worse and worse over time.
This is probably in the wrong section.... maybe it should have gone in the "general chit chat" area... but I really do need support. and motivation,....
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Replies
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It sounds like your brother, from all of his surgeries and physical challenges has developed (or has undiagnosed) emotional issues as well. I'm certain that change is very hard for him, like it can be for those with autism.
I would suggest doing what you can to get him, and yourself, into a therapist who can help with those issues. I would look for one with knowledge of developmental disorders. You may want to go and meet the therapist first, to discuss the issues with your brother, to determine if you think they would be able to take him before including him in scheduled appointments. Many families impacted by these types of challenges are helped by having an outsider grant some assistance and help your family get the tools it needs to handle challenges, like changes and babies. If your brother isn’t interested in going, there may be little you can do to *make* him go. It may help you with ideas on how to approach changes, work through the stress, etc. even if he doesn’t ever go with you.
Someone with a background in dealing with autistic adults will often be able to give you basic legal guidance before you reach out to a lawyer. I suspect a lawyer would just ask if you had him in any kind of therapy or had his mental capability reviewed by a doctor.
Caregivers have a great burden on them. It can be harder to explain to an outsider who sees your brother as “in his 40’s” without understanding the complexity of your situation.
Families are blessings. Be as stubborn as he is when it comes to achieving your dreams.
I hope that helps.0 -
You've helped me tremendously, NiceSpydr. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart
I will start looking in the morning for therapists in my area 0 -
Before you read on,... this is a serious post, and I'm REALLY not wanting snarky, sarcastic comments please.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We've been wanting to start a family, but the big roadblock is that my brother, husband and I all live together. In the same house we grew up in, and my brother never left the house to live on his own. My brother is 40 years old, and has the mindset of a 16-ish year old. He was born with a 3lb cyst on his brain, and after approximately 30 surgeries as a very young child, many things were effected, like his eye sight, balance, mental comprehension, etc. We are very lucky in the aspect that he can drive (but he really shouldn't drive at night), and he's held a job at Walmart for the past 8 years. He absolutely loves it.
The problem that we are having is that my brother gets very upset with change. He didn't want us moving up to the house. He HATED when we replaced the non-working appliances from 1978 in the house to working ones. He was mad when we changed the kitchen's appearance by painting the walls and replacing the countertop from a harvest gold color to a newer, modern one. We've tried including him on changes, and he just balls up and clams. Now, we need a new roof, and he's livid. "What's wrong with this one???" Well, the fact that the shingles in spots are curled up are a big signal that it's REALLY time to get a new roof!!!
We asked him to clean out one of the three bedrooms that has all of his things so we can use it as a guest room.... he refuses. It was his old bedroom, and he wants it kept that way, even though he sleeps in my old bedroom. We asked him, " What will happen when a baby comes, and it needs a room?" He just goes to his bedroom and slams the door.
Some of my friends say that he's showing autistic-type tendencies, but I don't know because I've never really been around an autistic person.
I don't know what I can do, minus getting a lawyer involved, to find out what can be done in regards to being a guardian, or if that's even possible. I feel absolutely horrible for turning to a lawyer for something like this, but I don't know what I can do, and this type of situation makes my life awful. I feel depressed. I cry. I scream. I don't know why I'm put in this type of position. he seems like he gets worse and worse over time.
This is probably in the wrong section.... maybe it should have gone in the "general chit chat" area... but I really do need support. and motivation,....
as the mother of an almost 18 year old with both mild autism (and other mental illness), it does sound to me like your brother has some sort of developmental delay. Therapy should help everyone involved communicate more effectively and understand what is going on in everyones head.0 -
My dear...you are a wonderful sister!
So give yourself a break...that is the first order of business.
The next step might be to look around the web and try to find online support groups for caregivers of adults with emotional and cognitive disorders.
In terms of therapy, I could not recommend a better solution for you and your family.
good luck with this and let us know how you are doing!:flowerforyou:0 -
My daughter has asbergers syndrome which is a high functioning form of autism. It does sound like your brother has similar traits of asbergers. Whether he has a form of autism or brain damage, I think a psychologist will help greatly. My daughter saw a neuropsychologist. He helped her so much. You might want to look into your brother seeing one. They differ from other psychologists in that they deal with only patients with brain or neurological disabilities. Maybe that might help him in dealing with change. It's worth a try.0
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Yoga to relieve the stress I know u have to take care watch over your brother but take time out for yourself also0
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