f'ing inlaws
WhiteGirlWasted13
Posts: 178 Member
in Chit-Chat
Maybe I'm being unreasonable. If that's the case, cool, I'll accept my lumps and get over it. But, I woke up this morning still upset about this and don't really know what to do. This is the first time I've ever confronted my mother and brother in law and I feel all icky inside now.
Here's what happened. My kid had a band concert last night. He's a senior in high school, so it's literally his last winter concert. He didn't tell me about it until a couple of days ago, we had already planned to do something else, but whatever, it's my kid, so we rescheduled our other plans. I invited my parents, my mother in law, my brother in law, you get the idea. My parents have been to several of my kid's events, but the in laws, never. Literally never. So, we stopped inviting them. Anyway, my kid really wanted them to be there, he never ever expressed this before, so I made sure to invite them and give them all the details.
She had been at my house the night before and we talked about it, she said she'd try very hard to be there. So, last night, my brother in law texts me at 5:30 and says "Mom says that we can't make it. Sorry, hope that it goes well" -- brother in law is 35 years old, but whatever.
I get instantly enraged. It's my kid. Mama bear mode. I respond back "hmmm...why am I not surprised" Then he says "we just got both of the boys (his son and another nephew) and we are sitting down for dinner".
I say back "It doesn't start until 7 but whatever. Enjoy your family time & f*** me, right?".
He never responds. I get all passive aggressive and send them both a msg via facebook "I just wanted to say that I think it's real sh***y of you guys to bail on (kid's) concert. He specifically asked me to invite you guys and you have just proven why I didn't want to. I don't know if it's because (kid) is technically not blood, but you know what, it shouldn't matter. You ask me to take care of your family members anytime they need some help, but that's cool. It's good to see where we stand. I'm just sorry (kid) is caught in the middle of it. It's not even that I'm all that mad. I'm just really hurt. And (kid) will be, too, when I tell him you're not coming. So, just remember that. Family is important...to some."
Then MIL sends me a text "...You should have asked sooner. Do not throw blood in my face...we are waiting for our food." etc etc
I should have mentioned that my husband legally adopted my kid when we got married 7 yrs ago. Anyway. I know part of this is unreasonable of me, right?
This morning, MIL texts me that her sister is dying. dafuq?
I suppose I just needed to rant. I do literally get asked to physically take care of many of their family members (which I have) and have helped MIL clean out various portions of her house (she is a hoarder) multiple times. And my husband actually agrees with my position on this one. Crazy.
Ok, let me have it MFP.
Here's what happened. My kid had a band concert last night. He's a senior in high school, so it's literally his last winter concert. He didn't tell me about it until a couple of days ago, we had already planned to do something else, but whatever, it's my kid, so we rescheduled our other plans. I invited my parents, my mother in law, my brother in law, you get the idea. My parents have been to several of my kid's events, but the in laws, never. Literally never. So, we stopped inviting them. Anyway, my kid really wanted them to be there, he never ever expressed this before, so I made sure to invite them and give them all the details.
She had been at my house the night before and we talked about it, she said she'd try very hard to be there. So, last night, my brother in law texts me at 5:30 and says "Mom says that we can't make it. Sorry, hope that it goes well" -- brother in law is 35 years old, but whatever.
I get instantly enraged. It's my kid. Mama bear mode. I respond back "hmmm...why am I not surprised" Then he says "we just got both of the boys (his son and another nephew) and we are sitting down for dinner".
I say back "It doesn't start until 7 but whatever. Enjoy your family time & f*** me, right?".
He never responds. I get all passive aggressive and send them both a msg via facebook "I just wanted to say that I think it's real sh***y of you guys to bail on (kid's) concert. He specifically asked me to invite you guys and you have just proven why I didn't want to. I don't know if it's because (kid) is technically not blood, but you know what, it shouldn't matter. You ask me to take care of your family members anytime they need some help, but that's cool. It's good to see where we stand. I'm just sorry (kid) is caught in the middle of it. It's not even that I'm all that mad. I'm just really hurt. And (kid) will be, too, when I tell him you're not coming. So, just remember that. Family is important...to some."
Then MIL sends me a text "...You should have asked sooner. Do not throw blood in my face...we are waiting for our food." etc etc
I should have mentioned that my husband legally adopted my kid when we got married 7 yrs ago. Anyway. I know part of this is unreasonable of me, right?
This morning, MIL texts me that her sister is dying. dafuq?
I suppose I just needed to rant. I do literally get asked to physically take care of many of their family members (which I have) and have helped MIL clean out various portions of her house (she is a hoarder) multiple times. And my husband actually agrees with my position on this one. Crazy.
Ok, let me have it MFP.
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Replies
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WOW...just wow. I'm totally on your side and I'd be enraged if I were you! Good for you sticking up for yourself and your child. I would just steam silently and yell at dh about his mom..lol.
I always say to my husband.."If it's not one thing it's your mother."
Good luck to you and vent anytime!0 -
The moment you respond to someone in kind, I don't see how you can feel affronted. It's probably very bothersome that in-laws don't come to things that your own family does.
But with passive-aggressive digs, comments thrown in the heat of a moment rather than taking time to calm down and look at a situation, and exchanges all done through texting and/or FB, I can't really see how you're also not feeding a problem here.0 -
Poor communication.
Edited to add: I said this before fistsyrup posted his comment but I guess he posted it just as I was posting. I came up with my idea first.0 -
WOW...just wow. I'm totally on your side and I'd be enraged if I were you! Good for you sticking up for yourself and your child. I would just steam silently and yell at dh about his mom..lol.
I always say to my husband.."If it's not one thing it's your mother."
Good luck to you and vent anytime!
Really? I'm so used to being on the wrong side of things when it comes to his family. He just says I have to get used to it as they've always been this way. I feel so sad for him when he says this. And I'm such a people pleaser, it hurts me physically when there's confrontation. Thank you for the affirmation. It means a lot, internet stranger! :flowerforyou:0 -
sorry this happened, I get it.0
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"The moment you respond to someone in kind, I don't see how you can feel affronted. It's probably very bothersome that in-laws don't come to things that your own family does.
But with passive-aggressive digs, comments thrown in the heat of a moment rather than taking time to calm down and look at a situation, and exchanges all done through texting and/or FB, I can't really see how you're also not feeding a problem here.
Probably right. I either should have called them out on their behavior years ago or never said anything last night. Unfortunately, I didn't do either. And now the ickiness.
ETA: response was directed toward firstsip0 -
Oh honey.....totally on your side......my mother in law is no longer in our lives......I married her son, not her......she too is a piece of work....you will never change your MIL, so go on being happy and your son is better off without her.....leave her to her selfish self.0
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Poor communication.
Edited to add: I said this before fistsyrup posted his comment but I guess he posted it just as I was posting. I came up with my idea first.
Noted and filed for future reference, in case of litigation.
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Sorry OP, but the first thing that stood out to me was the very short notice given by your kid. As his mom, of course you'll move heaven and earth to make sure you would be there, but it might not be realistic to think other family members should, or even can.
If you were upset about your MIL and BIL not going, I feel a phone call to discuss things would have been more mature than communicating via FB or text. Just my two cents.0 -
Why are you conducting personal, emotional conversations over text messages? Honestly, that's half the problem right there...0
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Sorry OP, but the first thing that stood out to me was the very short notice given by your kid. As his mom, of course you'll move heaven and earth to make sure you would be there, but it might not be realistic to think other family members should, or even can.
If you were upset about your MIL and BIL not going, I feel a phone call to discuss things would have been more mature than communicating via FB or text. Just my two cents.
^All of this.0 -
The moment you respond to someone in kind, I don't see how you can feel affronted. It's probably very bothersome that in-laws don't come to things that your own family does.
But with passive-aggressive digs, comments thrown in the heat of a moment rather than taking time to calm down and look at a situation, and exchanges all done through texting and/or FB, I can't really see how you're also not feeding a problem here.
I totally agree with you. Sometimes we have to be the bigger person and in my opinion the OP was not. I get that it is your kid, and all that you have done for the family, it would have been easier to say keep all that bad wording to yourself and make a promise to yourself that this was your last time to invite them.
It is not always necessary to let others know how they have affected you, because guess what OP they will use it time and time again. Its your kid, do what is best for him and let them come to you, if they do want ever to attend any of his functions in the future. It would have been better to count to 10 or even 20 before responding.0 -
Sorry OP, but the first thing that stood out to me was the very short notice given by your kid. As his mom, of course you'll move heaven and earth to make sure you would be there, but it might not be realistic to think other family members should, or even can.
If you were upset about your MIL and BIL not going, I feel a phone call to discuss things would have been more mature than communicating via FB or text. Just my two cents.
You're absolutely right. I should have said in the midst of the texting, my husband called his mom and she basically repeated BIL's first text about not being able to make it, just sat down to dinner, etc. But, I guess when she told me the night before that she'd try really hard, then she turned around and said at 5:30 (they had plenty of time to make it) they weren't coming, it felt very "we don't want to be bothered" -- I could be projecting though.0 -
Sorry OP, but the first thing that stood out to me was the very short notice given by your kid. As his mom, of course you'll move heaven and earth to make sure you would be there, but it might not be realistic to think other family members should, or even can.
If you were upset about your MIL and BIL not going, I feel a phone call to discuss things would have been more mature than communicating via FB or text. Just my two cents.
Even with short notice, they would have had time to make at least part of the concert after dinner..they had an hour and a half before it started..I think it's more this was the straw that broke the camel's back...so I agree with the above poster that a phone call would have been better and you probably should have said it seems like this is how it always is when it comes to my child.
I feel for you though, and you are not wrong for being upset...just in the way you handled it. :-)
I can definitely sympathize...though my MIL is awesome so I can't really empathize...Best of Luck0 -
If you invited them at the last minute, like you did. I think it's unreasonable to be upset at them, regardless of track record.
That said, **** em, no more invites, cut em off.0 -
I know how important that band concert was to your son...my son is a sophomore in high school and is in band also.
The only thing I would add (and only because I've seen it said many times in an advice column I read) is that when there are issues with in-laws, it might be best to have your husband talk to them about the issue. Or, if there was an issue between him and your parents, you would approach your parents on behalf of your husband. The reasoning is that the in-laws will probably respond better to their child than to their child-in-law.
Anyway, I completely understand the "mama bear" thing - no matter how old they are, they are our babies!
Good luck!0 -
Sorry OP, but the first thing that stood out to me was the very short notice given by your kid. As his mom, of course you'll move heaven and earth to make sure you would be there, but it might not be realistic to think other family members should, or even can.
If you were upset about your MIL and BIL not going, I feel a phone call to discuss things would have been more mature than communicating via FB or text. Just my two cents.
Exactly. Maybe its time now to sit down with and communicate how you feel, be prepared to listen before voicing how you felt. In order to move on, you and MIL and BIL need to do this.0 -
Why are you conducting personal, emotional conversations over text messages? Honestly, that's half the problem right there...
because I tend to be passive aggressive like that :grumble:
I know better. And I don't know that I'm really surprised that things went down like they did. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for my role. I know I could have handled it better. I should have handled it better.
Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?0 -
Sorry OP, but the first thing that stood out to me was the very short notice given by your kid. As his mom, of course you'll move heaven and earth to make sure you would be there, but it might not be realistic to think other family members should, or even can.
If you were upset about your MIL and BIL not going, I feel a phone call to discuss things would have been more mature than communicating via FB or text. Just my two cents.
Even with short notice, they would have had time to make at least part of the concert after dinner..they had an hour and a half before it started..I think it's more this was the straw that broke the camel's back...so I agree with the above poster that a phone call would have been better and you probably should have said it seems like this is how it always is when it comes to my child.
I feel for you though, and you are not wrong for being upset...just in the way you handled it. :-)
I can definitely sympathize...though my MIL is awesome so I can't really empathize...Best of Luck
maybe they got put off because of the "it's all about me attitude" inviting them at the last minute and expecting them to drop everything (not saying you did have that, but they migh thave read it that way)0 -
I can be passive-agressive too, so you should have saved it for the next time (which didn't take long) they asked something of you. As in, when they ask for help with the sick relative or cleaning; with a smile, agree to do it and then cancel at the last minute. Payback's a *****.0
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I understand that you were hurt and sad for your child, but seriously?
No. Don't do that.
And while I know this is hard to hear, if your child is a senior, he was probably 9 or 10 when your husband adopted him. Legally, those people are his family. But it sounds like emotionally, they don't see him that way. You can't force people to love each other. Stop trying.0 -
I can be passive-agressive too, so you should have saved it for the next time (which didn't take long) they asked something of you. As in, when they ask for help with the sick relative or cleaning; with a smile, agree to do it and then cancel at the last minute. Payback's a *****.
Lovely.0 -
whew - in laws I tell ya.
to be totally honest it looks like you're flying off the handle a bit here in the text messages back and forth.
next move? apologize - that's always a good start. maybe talking real words and not over a text.
I try to be polite to my in laws mostly because I love my husband and I have to deal with his family until they finally die.0 -
I know how important that band concert was to your son...my son is a sophomore in high school and is in band also.
The only thing I would add (and only because I've seen it said many times in an advice column I read) is that when there are issues with in-laws, it might be best to have your husband talk to them about the issue. Or, if there was an issue between him and your parents, you would approach your parents on behalf of your husband. The reasoning is that the in-laws will probably respond better to their child than to their child-in-law.
Anyway, I completely understand the "mama bear" thing - no matter how old they are, they are our babies!
Good luck!
Poor husband, this sounds like a good idea, if he's willing to do it. Otherwise, I will endure the ickiness and apologize/back down. Esp. now that his aunt is so sick and they will need (more) help. ::sigh::0 -
Why are you conducting personal, emotional conversations over text messages? Honestly, that's half the problem right there...
because I tend to be passive aggressive like that :grumble:
I know better. And I don't know that I'm really surprised that things went down like they did. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for my role. I know I could have handled it better. I should have handled it better.
Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?
^^ This is INCREDIBLY emotionally mature of you. Excellent circumspection.
The next move should be to apologize. On the phone or in person. Tell them exactly what you wrote there. Explain why you allowed yourself to lose control. Open your heart.0 -
The moment you respond to someone in kind, I don't see how you can feel affronted. It's probably very bothersome that in-laws don't come to things that your own family does.
But with passive-aggressive digs, comments thrown in the heat of a moment rather than taking time to calm down and look at a situation, and exchanges all done through texting and/or FB, I can't really see how you're also not feeding a problem here.
This.
So much of this.0 -
Sorry OP, but the first thing that stood out to me was the very short notice given by your kid. As his mom, of course you'll move heaven and earth to make sure you would be there, but it might not be realistic to think other family members should, or even can.
If you were upset about your MIL and BIL not going, I feel a phone call to discuss things would have been more mature than communicating via FB or text. Just my two cents.
Even with short notice, they would have had time to make at least part of the concert after dinner..they had an hour and a half before it started..I think it's more this was the straw that broke the camel's back...so I agree with the above poster that a phone call would have been better and you probably should have said it seems like this is how it always is when it comes to my child.
I feel for you though, and you are not wrong for being upset...just in the way you handled it. :-)
I can definitely sympathize...though my MIL is awesome so I can't really empathize...Best of Luck
Yeah I think dinner was their excuse to not show up at all. Eff them0 -
Why are you conducting personal, emotional conversations over text messages? Honestly, that's half the problem right there...
because I tend to be passive aggressive like that :grumble:
I know better. And I don't know that I'm really surprised that things went down like they did. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for my role. I know I could have handled it better. I should have handled it better.
Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?
^^ This is INCREDIBLY emotionally mature of you. Excellent circumspection.
The next move should be to apologize. On the phone or in person. Tell them exactly what you wrote there. Explain why you allowed yourself to lose control. Open your heart.
I'm no ordinary OP.0 -
This is why I don't have facebook. You should have collected your words in a calm manner, then talked her her either via phone or face to face. Its really really hard to say anything nice in the heat of the moment, but if you take a step back next time and just collect yourself, you will be able to communicate your feelings better without looking like a beezy ( even though its probably well deserved).And, just dont expect anything from them except for the pattern they have shown, because It's most likely all you are ever going to get0
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There has been so much of this kind of thing that has gone on in my family with my parents and my brother & sil, and I have always felt like I was in the middle because I can see both sides of it.
So I have to ask, why do you think that they feel this way? Have you ever looked at it from their perspective? Usually when there is bad/hurt feelings both parties have contributed to it. I'm not saying that you don't have every right to feel hurt for your son, but what did taking your anger out like you did accomplish? If I'm reading your post correctly it just made you feel worse.
It is never too late to clear the air between you and your mil, (I would not even bring the bil into it right now). There will be many more occasions in your child's life that you will want to invite family to, now is the time to have a sit down with MIL and see if you can repair the relationship.
eta - for clarity0
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