f'ing inlaws
Replies
-
I get where you're coming from but as you've now realized, the response/reaction could've been...well, better.
As far as next steps, admit that you didn't handle it well and invite them over for dinner or coffee or something and communicate why you feel/felt the way you do and that you hope they understand and you can all move past it without any hurt feelings, etc. Nothing like a good heart to heart to clear things up.0 -
as long as your son knew of the invitation, you made the effort to include. However, keep your priorities about family and doing the right thing. Posting it on FB = not good IMHO. However, the confrontation needed to happen.0
-
Oh man did this story about the in laws hit me, because my now ex MIL played a big part in the break up of my marriage. That being said, we all should stop communicating through texting and start having real conversations. So much can be taken out of context when reading a text. One more thing, hard lesson for me to learn was that we are responsible for our own actions. Think before we speak or text, next time maybe simmer down a bit before things get out of hand. You had every right to be angry and frustrated, but not sure if the way it was handled was the best.0
-
Well, thanks everybody for helping me think through this. I'm going to wait until husband gets home before I do/say anything further to MIL or BIL. It will be difficult but I will persevere.
Then I will ask him if he's willing to speak on my behalf. I think it's sort of a lost cause, because as I said, we've been married 7 yrs and this is the first time I've been vocal (to them) about their behavior. And, honestly, rocking this boat felt very much like a betrayal toward my husband. I chose to marry into his family and I will try to remember this painful and embarrassing lesson when things like this happen in the future. But I won't invite them to things last minute. Then, they will not be able to use that excuse for not attending. Maybe I should tell them his graduation date now, so they have six months to plan? haha0 -
Why are you conducting personal, emotional conversations over text messages? Honestly, that's half the problem right there...
because I tend to be passive aggressive like that :grumble:
I know better. And I don't know that I'm really surprised that things went down like they did. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for my role. I know I could have handled it better. I should have handled it better.
Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?
^^ This is INCREDIBLY emotionally mature of you. Excellent circumspection.
The next move should be to apologize. On the phone or in person. Tell them exactly what you wrote there. Explain why you allowed yourself to lose control. Open your heart.
I'm no ordinary OP.
You do have a pretty cool username...
I second derelict_mocktail's comment. An apology would be in order, either through phone or in person. In the context of, "I'm sorry I lost my cool, I was very upset that you guys weren't able to make it," make sure you use I-statements ALWAYS to express how you're feeling from their actions. Saying, "You guys never do things!" will make someone defensive. Saying, "I feel upset when I don't get to see you at family functions/functions for my son," will stop them from feeling defensive, and allow them to become introspective as well. Good luck--in-law interactions can be some of the most awkward.0 -
You can't change other people and there's no sense in trying. You can control your own reactions and how much time you spend with them.0
-
I'm no ordinary OP.
No, you're not! Ordinary OPs usually argue against ALL advice given! :laugh:
Good luck!0 -
Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?
Nothing.0 -
Here's a question:
Have you or your husband actually gone to them and told them how you feel/view the situation with your son? Perhaps they don't even realize they are treating him differently.
And on the flip side maybe they truly are busy and don't have the time to go to his concerts etc. Do you always know in advance when it's going to be and let them know a head of time or is it a "Oh, Jr. has a concert coming up some time in the next few weeks. Can you make it?" Or even last minute like it was this time. And for what it's worth I was in band when I was in elementary and middle school and the only people that went to see me was my parents. I never expected my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. to come see me play.
I get a lot of flack from my sister because my husband and I are busy and they are notorious for planning things when we're not going to be around OR telling us the night before that they have some family thing going on and we can't make it. Since it's caused so much butthurt with her (the most recent had to do with my mom's birthday earlier this year, a vague invitation the month before then the actual invite the NIGHT before when we had already made solid plans and for the record the gathering wasn't even ON her birthday) if I know that there's an event coming up that she's going to want to have people over for I make sure that I lay out our entire agenda, when we're going to be around, what we have going on etc. etc. so that if she does plan something when we're not home she can't give us crap about it.0 -
No, you're not! Ordinary OPs usually argue against ALL advice given! :laugh:
Good luck!
But, but, something, something, *special snowflake*, etc etc etc.0 -
Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?
Nothing.
Actually no. Her next move should be to be the bigger person and talk to them and explain why she exploded the way she did.0 -
From an objective pov, it sounds like you gave short notice and overreacted. However, I do the same thing with my family members sometimes, and it isn't always just about the one incident. I may go off on them because it's the last straw in a series of many other issues that have built up over the years. So I can understand.0
-
Maybe my question should have been, what should my next move be?
Nothing.
Actually no. Her next move should be to be the bigger person and talk to them and explain why she exploded the way she did.
No, because what happens then is that there is no impetus for introspection on their part, no chance for them to sit back and go... wow, that escalated quickly. Why?
Right now, it's.... wow, she's a b. Oh, look, I'm right, because she just apologized.0 -
You GO girl. I'm all too familiar with step/half siblings, inlaws and all the drama that can come with it. You had every right to be angry and every right to tell them about it. The text about the dying sister.....wow, guilt trip much? Ignore them and have your own plans the next time they need you for something!0
-
Here's a question:
Have you or your husband actually gone to them and told them how you feel/view the situation with your son? Perhaps they don't even realize they are treating him differently.
And on the flip side maybe they truly are busy and don't have the time to go to his concerts etc. Do you always know in advance when it's going to be and let them know a head of time or is it a "Oh, Jr. has a concert coming up some time in the next few weeks. Can you make it?" Or even last minute like it was this time. And for what it's worth I was in band when I was in elementary and middle school and the only people that went to see me was my parents. I never expected my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. to come see me play.
No, we haven't because it's not something that I've noticed in our immediate circle, but another family member's stepchild was treated in a similar fashion by other family members. So, again, maybe I'm projecting here.
And as far as expecting others to come to school stuff, like I said, he had not ever expressed such a strong desire for anyone else to come, and he's currently in the middle of a (not serious) health issue that has possibly given him a bit more insight/desire for family time, which is rare in a 17 yr old IMO/E.0 -
There are a couple things here that I see (and can totally identify with), and have experienced.
The short notice cannot always be helped... it happens. It's not like you called at 5 the day of and said he really wants you to be there. You gave them short notice, but it was 24 hours.... plenty of time to either rearrange plans or provide solid reasons why they couldn't be there. Shoot I had given my in-laws weeks of notice and reminded them several times and they still didn't show up.... just didn't show up! At least there was a "not gonna make it", still not the best reason to miss it since there was plenty of time for dinner and to still make it on time.
Second, the passive aggressive.... that never turns out well! For the next time something happens, take a few deep breaths, take a quick walk.... then call (I know others have said this too).
From some of your other responses it does in fact sound like you are calming down... and good for you and DH for being supportive of your son! That is key.... as long as he knows the 2 of you are there for him, he will be great.0 -
Ok, here are my $0.02. I can see both sides. I can see yours because your kid would have really liked family there and would be a good time for family bonding. IL's I am sure can be a pain at times and if there is nothing large going on in their lives then I would not hurt to attend and all be a family.
Now I can see their side that it was short notice and they could have had plans on their own. Possibly this dinner was something more then just a dinner? How old are these 2 other boys? If they are young then they could have thought that it would be best that they not attend.
In the end I will side more with you (OP) if they did not have anything really going on, but if they had other things going on and could not make adjustments because of the short notice then that is on you.
I will say that this would be better discussed in person instead of text / messaging. Maybe not face to face but a voice call at the least. Let them know how you feel.0 -
The fact that she said they'd try to be there should have tipped you off that she wasn't coming. But since she obviously didn't want to come, she shouldn't have texted you the night of to let you know it wasn't happening. Yes, your in-laws suck and are rude.
But seriously, don't fly off the handle at them. It's not worth it to stir up drama in the family. Go support your children and anyone else who does is a bonus.0 -
To protect my kids, I rarely invited my MIL to anything. My husband and his brother have issues due to the way they were raised, so IMHO, you should have just told your son, "Hey, I know you want them there, but they may not show" to kind of prepare him. Not your fault, and what's done is done, but file it away as a lesson learned.0
-
Now I can see their side that it was short notice and they could have had plans on their own. Possibly this dinner was something more then just a dinner? How old are these 2 other boys? If they are young then they could have thought that it would be best that they not attend.
The boys are (almost) 13 and 16. Don't even get me started. :ohwell:0 -
The fact that my son coupled his request with "I know they won't come but..." speaks many sad volumes.0
-
you did your best to include them,sometimes things come on short notice but they at least had a day to try and work with it.you sometimes have to rearrange your schedule to try and make things work.my mother in law was asked by my son when he was 7 or 8 would you like to come to the park,which was right around the corne and watch him play Tball-her reply was oh no that's not my cup of tea,yet a week or 2 later she bragged to my wife how she went to my brother inlaws which was 1 1/2 hr drive to watch my niece play Tball,but she said this in front of my boys and this type of treatment was normal for them which a few times made me snap.fast forward 12 or 13 years and she is still the same but says I never hear from the boys.is it any wonder.
I0 -
I like you OP :flowerforyou:
It sounds like you have a great handle on how it could have gone better, and what you can do now. I have gone the passive-aggressive route before and it never ends well, but the temptation to handle things that way is always there.
Enlisting the help of your husband is a great idea. Since I am figuring you are going to be together for a long time to come, figuring out how to deal with, and eventually get along with, his family is a must. Instead of only apologizing (which you do need to do), let them know how it hurt you, and how it made you feel. Another poster recommended, and I agree with, keeping things in an "I" perspective, otherwise they will only be defensive from the get-go.
good luck!0 -
Two days is very short notice to expect a social commitment. Personally, I wouldn't be angry at someone for not making a date at such short notice after saying that they would at least try. And especially if they are currently faced with profoundly painful struggles - like a dying sister! What was with the 'dafuk', dying loved ones is a massively stressful and draining experience to go through.
Were I in your shoes, I would unreservedly apologise for my behaviour. Even if there has been a history of non-engagement from your mother-in-law where your son is concerned, I think this wasn't the time to explode about it, ideally you should have addressed this issue years ago, and in a more mature fashion.
Still the issues you have with your mother in law are now out in the open, so you do now have an opportunity to discuss them in a more civil manner. You just need to apologise first, and then take the opportunity to say that you'd like to talk about why you were so angry, and how you feel your mother in law excludes your son and how hurtful that is for him.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 176K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.6K Fitness and Exercise
- 431 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions