Supporting MFP friends on very low calorie diets
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I'm 18 so a lot of the friends I have on MFP are teens or early 20s, and the majority are pro-ana. At first I found it interesting how they view things, then I found it extremely sad, and then their thoughts started to mess with my head and I subconsciously started eating less little by little until someone pointed it out. (this only lasted about 2 weeks) Now every day I still don't eat a lot, but I eat about 1200 unless I genuinely don't feel hungry.
I find that because I eat a lot of fruit and veg a day which are low cal it's sometimes difficult to plan my diary so that I get in enough calories.
I get that you're concerned, but by seeing their thoughts every day and knowing how easy it is to fall into that trap without even realising it, I don't think one can deal too harshly with them because it could make them feel even worse about themselves which could make everything even worse, no matter what their age is. If it really bugs you then send them a message expressing your concerns, and then delete them, but it's their personal life and society plays a huge role so let's not make this site about others and rather use it for your own purpose.0 -
My other 2 cents: I think when we review a friends food diary we need to not just look at the numbers, but also look at the food choices. Did they eat 3 or more balanced meals? Did they consume fruits and vegetables? A person can easily reach a great caloric intake number with sugary foods and the numbers look good on their diary, while another person may struggle to reach 1000 calories or more per day if they are focusing in fruits and vegetables and watching their carb intake (Diabetics come to mind). It's more than a numbers game.
I disagree-- a person ought to be able to reach their calorie goal easily by making sure they're getting enough fat and protein. When people can't reach 1000 calories it's usually because they're being too restrictive or because they aren't weighing their food and they're eating more than they think.
Also meal timing is pretty much irrelevant and sugar is not the enemy (unless you've got a health issue like diabetes).
I'm not sure how to continue this thread so here is my attempt. Sorry if it's the wrong way. I will see how this works.
Sugar per say may not be an enemy to many people, but you are very accurate in your acknowledgement of Diabetics. Also I tend to believe that sugar provides empty, quick high energy and quick energy dropping characteristics. Granted we cannot, and probably should not, totally avoid any sugar. It needs to be worked into our plans in moderation. I also agree with filling in with protein and healthy fat. I was not proposing a strict fruit and vegetable diet. Carbs are my primary enemy (focus point) because of the rise in blood sugar that they produce. However I recognize the need for carbs for energy, and the need to exercise to help keep the added blood sugar rise at bay.
I guess my point is that carbs are not the enemy to me. I'm in the best health of my life and I eat about 200 grams of carbs per day, and a portion of that comes from ice cream and/or cookies. I also eat a very tiny lunch, which might not seem balanced to you. But what I am doing is working for me, and it isn't unhealthy. Just keep others' needs and goals in mind when you are viewing their diaries or you're likely to give advice that isn't wanted and that isn't correct for that person's situation.
You wouldn't apply advice meant for a diabetic to someone who doesn't have diabetes. You wouldn't apply advice meant for someone who is carb-sensitive to someone who is not.0 -
Probably would confuse a lot of people with my diary, I stated on VLCD drinking shakes for a month followed by sustaining low calories for 2 months and then followed the 5:2 regime until I got to my maintenance weight - this taking 5 months, losing 43 lbs. I am happy with this, I took responsibility for how I ate and used this brilliant site to log all my food and exercise to help me achieve my goal- I now use the site to monitor my maintenance now I have a healthy weight, sustaining my weight over the last 3 months despite people saying quick loss quick regain! My point is, we all have the same goal, we are individuals chasing this goal and no one has the right to criticise any one else for chasing this in their own way - its called taking personal responsibility, if you don't like what you see you don't have to follow it, or get cross/ anxious about it- MFP has mediators on this site, let them sort it out. I have a closed diary because what I eat and exercise is my business and no one else's.0
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When I see one of my friends consistently eating under 1200 and aren't sick or anything, I send them a message to let them know I hope they get help and get healthy, and that I am deleting them because I will not support their eating habits.0
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And even though MFP has an a 1200 min it does have a BMR calculator that gives me a lessor result
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/tools/bmr-calculator
BMR is the basal metabolic rate. It is what your body needs just to run basic organ function, etc. Like if you laid in bed all day in a coma. You obviously burn more by daily activity, brushing your teeth, walking to the car, even sitting. This along with your exercise gives you TDEE (total daily energy expenditure). It is from here you create a deficit, not your BMR. You should be eating above your BMR.
Just a note that MFP is a little different in the its calorie goal does not include the exercise, which is why it suggests you log it and eat those calories. The calorie goal MFP gives you includes BMR and your daily lifestyle activity (not including exercise).0 -
I just delete them. I don't send a pm, I don't try to change their behaviour, I just delete from my friends list. It is ok to be selfish in this case, I am on this journey for me, I want supportive friends and if I am cringing at some of the comments and daily allowances that they have, I don't want to deal with that type of negative energy. I am not their friends or family, just a stranger on the internet, I do not owe them an explanation of why I am deleting them nor do they owe me an explanation as to why they are doing this. A bit harsh...maybe...0
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OP here.
First, I want to thank everyone that took the time to read this and reply (good or bad). I really am open for suggestions because I am at a crossroad on what to do next. I know going in with this topic that I might get some heat (and I am fully prepared for that; I am far from perfect and I am still learning) but is a topic that really concerns me (and might concern others as well) and I really wanted to know how this community handles situations like this.
I am sure most of us would want to people to lose weight in a healthy manner if weight loss is their goal (but also recognizing there are some people that are maintaining or even trying to gain weight). Perhaps I went into MFP with a pair of "rose colored glasses" and that I might be part of the problem as well as the solution. I just wanted to add some additional thoughts on this topic and then I need to get my butt into work (sighs). Here we go...
1) I want to reiterate that I do understand there are situations that require following a VLCD diet (bariatric surgery is one example of this). If I see someone eating a low amount of calories and I raise a concern and they reply with a valid reason (doctors orders, WLS, illness, etc), then I am totally on-board and will support that person.
2) I realize that there are many ways to lose weight. Some of it is the type of plan (Atkins, South Beach, Paleo, IIFYM, etc), some is the time of the meals (IF, 5:2, JUDDD, etc). There really is so many ways to skin a cat and I take that all into account when I view someones food diary. The weight loss method of choice is a very personal one and I feel that if a) you are eating enough calories and b) you are happy with yourself and your weight loss, then c) it is good enough for me. I, too, struggle on what to eat and know I should eat more balanced meals, but I am still a work in progress here on MFP and I do try to improve myself each and everyday.
3) Perhaps I have an unrealistic view on life. Being that this a health related web site, I would think that people here would want to loss weight in a healthy manner. For me, recording everything I eat to the best of my abilities (weighing everything at home with a digital food scale and measuring cups, taking WAGs at food eaten out) and recording all my exercise calories (somewhat questionable on exact calorie burns) means that I am trying to make an active effort to lose weight. But is that other peoples goals here as well? Should I even be asking them in the first place if they eat a low amount of calories everyday? This is where I feel I might be part of the problem in trying to be too concerned about people, my MFP friends, about their habits even if to me (and me only) seem destructive. I think this is the root cause of my dilemma and why I asked for other opinions.
Again, my intent with this topic was more akin to a fact-finding mission trying to get as many opinions as I can as I try to formulate what would be a reasonable response to my dilemma. I have only been at MFP for 40 days and still a relative newbie when you look at all the veterans here and I do appreciate their insights. And for the newbies like myself perhaps some guidance to deal with the this situation in the future.
Thank you all!0 -
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I question them on it. Because occassionally there's a good reason (gastric bypass would fall into that category).
If there's no good reason, and they aren't open to seeing some logic, I remove them from my friends list, because I'm not going to suppose someone who is pro-ana
There are a few friends that explained their situation and I am good with that and will support them. My experience is that if you flag their behavior, explain to them why it is a bad idea and they *still* do it (the in one ear and out the other effect), then I am at a point where I am not sure what do next. I cannot internally support that type of destructive behavior.
Thank you all for the feedback so far. I am weighing in on the opinions I get before deciding my next move.
I had this problem before, too. I had a couple of friends who would eat like 700 calories a day and I was in awe at all the comments people left saying"great work!" "way to go!" "keep it up!!" Seriously? Keep it up? Keep it up??!! Do you really know what keeping up a 700 calorie daily lifestyle is going to lead to? MAJOR health complications. If they "keep it up!!!" for long enough the person might even die. I wanted to help this 700 calorie daily friend, so I left a comment saying "It's great that you're eating such healthy foods but terrible how little you're eating. That's so unhealthy!" And I hoped by commenting and making this public making some of her other friends who'd encouraged her would see they were wrong. A few more days passed. The same people remarked how fantastic she was and how they wished they could eat like her. Just adding fuel to her fire. Then the following week she was down to eating 600 calories daily on average. I sent her a personal message this time. I explained to her the effects that eating that little could have on her and that I was genuinely concerned for her health. I'd been an ignorant low cal eater like that a few years before and faced a lot of problems because of it. So I was giving her legit information that I knew for a fact because I had been in the situation before. She responded something very minimal of "thanks, I'll think about that." Sooo hon, I just told you how my hair was falling out, I was always cold, always sick, my grades dropped, and if I hadn't started eating more my organs would've shut down... and you respond that you'll "think about it"?! I continued following her food diary the next couple of weeks and she kept eating between 600-800 calories while posting about her crazy exercise regimen. I commented on her diary a couple more times about needing to eat more, and got no response. She kept eating less and exercising more to the point that some days she had a negative net. I was sick about it. I knew she was only 18, and really wished I could call her parents or someone to tell them to help her, but there was nothing I could do. I didn't know what else to do. I kept telling her to eat more and got no response. There was no way I was going to encourage her and support her like I'd promised I'd do with all my MFP friends. So after three strikes, I was out. I made three attempts to help her, and then after that, seeing no change, I deleted her. I felt terrible in doing that, but it honestly was a relief for me. When you see someone consistently eating too little it makes you feel bad and feel sad for her.
SO long story short, try to express your concern and such a few times. If no change is seen, I delete.0 -
For me mfp is about mutual support, and for that to work you need friends who are on the same page as you when it comes to method. If you don't agree with their method, then you can be sure that they don't agree with yours either. For me I delete anyone who gives me unhealthy advice or the people who said good work on days when I was sick and had 600 calories for the day (and didn't comment on any other days when I actually ate).0
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One thing about the internet is that it's much easier to be confrontational. Another thing is that it's much easier to dodge or ignore confrontation. My point is, it's easy to send a comment or a pm regarding somebody's eating habits, and absolutely appropriate to express concern...but, ultimately, people are going to do what they they're going to do. I would probably ultimately remove someone from my FL if their behavior bothered me enough.0
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Good for you for trying to support your MFP friends. I typically will not delete them even if they seem like they may be sick (like anorexic). If they are struggling with that, then deleting them may make them feel even worse or alone. I do not give them positive feedback on eating too few calories though. I will kindly tell them they should try to eat more each day. There are people of course that have had surgery who can only eat 500-1000 calories per day (I am friends with someone who has had this). Hopefully this helps, good luck on your fitness journey.0
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What is things I won't do?0
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I had this problem before, too. I had a couple of friends who would eat like 700 calories a day and I was in awe at all the comments people left saying"great work!" "way to go!" "keep it up!!" Seriously? Keep it up? Keep it up??!! Do you really know what keeping up a 700 calorie daily lifestyle is going to lead to? MAJOR health complications. If they "keep it up!!!" for long enough the person might even die. I wanted to help this 700 calorie daily friend, so I left a comment saying "It's great that you're eating such healthy foods but terrible how little you're eating. That's so unhealthy!" And I hoped by commenting and making this public making some of her other friends who'd encouraged her would see they were wrong. A few more days passed. The same people remarked how fantastic she was and how they wished they could eat like her. Just adding fuel to her fire.
I just snipped out part of your excellent reply and this flusters me the most. I think it is very hard to leave a concerned comment on a diary completion in your newsfeed when everyone else is giving approval by leaving comments like "wtg!" and "Keep it up!". It seems like I am just going against the tide as it were...0 -
What is things I won't do?
QFT0 -
I had this problem before, too. I had a couple of friends who would eat like 700 calories a day and I was in awe at all the comments people left saying"great work!" "way to go!" "keep it up!!" Seriously? Keep it up? Keep it up??!! Do you really know what keeping up a 700 calorie daily lifestyle is going to lead to? MAJOR health complications. If they "keep it up!!!" for long enough the person might even die. I wanted to help this 700 calorie daily friend, so I left a comment saying "It's great that you're eating such healthy foods but terrible how little you're eating. That's so unhealthy!" And I hoped by commenting and making this public making some of her other friends who'd encouraged her would see they were wrong. A few more days passed. The same people remarked how fantastic she was and how they wished they could eat like her. Just adding fuel to her fire.
I just snipped out part of your excellent reply and this flusters me the most. I think it is very hard to leave a concerned comment on a dairy completion in your newsfeed when everyone else is giving approval by leaving comments like "wtg!" and "Keep it up!". It seems like I am just going against the tide as it were...
Time to drop these people. You'll feel better. Trust me.0 -
Hi,
I personally think that you are letting yourself get too emotionally involved. Of course it's great to care about people but you seem very troubled by other people's behaviour.
I am on 900 cals or under a day. I'm on a shake diet (shock horror!!) I'm not doing any exercise at all so far.
I've done Weight Watchers twice in the past when I didn't have as much weight to lose. I did lose weight but put it all back on again and extra.
The reason I'm doing this VLCD now is because I want to lose a good pile of weight, & then my plan is to switch to a more sustainable long term (for life) eating plan. I've been on this diet for nearly 9 weeks and my weight loss has averaged out at approx 3 or 4lbs a week. I don't think that's excessive.
I never realised people like me were looked down on, pitied and thought in need of help on this site. It makes me very sad to be honest.
My doctor is fully aware of VLCD & supports me. I go to him regularly for check ups.
The thing is that very few people on a VLCD do so under the care of a doctor and many include lots of exercise and thus are burning the candle at both ends. It is also very difficult to keep the weight off once the transition to a regular diet occurs for most and many lose lean body mass. Just some things to consider.0 -
I had this problem before, too. I had a couple of friends who would eat like 700 calories a day and I was in awe at all the comments people left saying"great work!" "way to go!" "keep it up!!" Seriously? Keep it up? Keep it up??!! Do you really know what keeping up a 700 calorie daily lifestyle is going to lead to? MAJOR health complications. If they "keep it up!!!" for long enough the person might even die. I wanted to help this 700 calorie daily friend, so I left a comment saying "It's great that you're eating such healthy foods but terrible how little you're eating. That's so unhealthy!" And I hoped by commenting and making this public making some of her other friends who'd encouraged her would see they were wrong. A few more days passed. The same people remarked how fantastic she was and how they wished they could eat like her. Just adding fuel to her fire.
I just snipped out part of your excellent reply and this flusters me the most. I think it is very hard to leave a concerned comment on a diary completion in your newsfeed when everyone else is giving approval by leaving comments like "wtg!" and "Keep it up!". It seems like I am just going against the tide as it were...
I have an issue with this part of it as well. I can only assume a lot of these comments are made by people who just make the comment without looking at the diary first0 -
I've noticed people doing this.
It is possible to track your calories that slow.
I think some people are pushing themselves to the limit.
However, you can't keep that up forever, and you are not learning new habits when you do this.
Therefore, they will always struggle.
I don't feel that I am the diet police so I usually don't speak up and tell them to eat more. What they do is their own business.0 -
I delete people who are doing stupid things with their bodies. Sorry. It's not sustainable, and it makes me crazy. "Ain't nobody got time fo' dat."0
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I just looked at my stats, and I more often than not come in at under 1000 calories a day....net
Couple or reasons for this.
1) I don't eat dairy, so no cheese, cream, milk to give quick calorie bulk
2) I run 4 mornings a week, and do cardio 2 (I don't believe most of the calorie burn numbers I'm getting, but as I'm not eating them back not overly concerned)
3)I don't drive,I walk everywhere.
4) I can't snack...it drives me to overeat..... peanut butter and cereal are my weakness.
However,I am fit, healthy, not underweight, have lots of energy and feel much better than I have for years..
I also take one day off where I don't log anything, and have been known to eat big bag of cops all to myself on those days.
So. . . not that I care or anything, but where do you get this big bag of cops? Do they come with handcuffs?
*shifty*0 -
I had this problem before, too. I had a couple of friends who would eat like 700 calories a day and I was in awe at all the comments people left saying"great work!" "way to go!" "keep it up!!" Seriously? Keep it up? Keep it up??!! Do you really know what keeping up a 700 calorie daily lifestyle is going to lead to? MAJOR health complications. If they "keep it up!!!" for long enough the person might even die. I wanted to help this 700 calorie daily friend, so I left a comment saying "It's great that you're eating such healthy foods but terrible how little you're eating. That's so unhealthy!" And I hoped by commenting and making this public making some of her other friends who'd encouraged her would see they were wrong. A few more days passed. The same people remarked how fantastic she was and how they wished they could eat like her. Just adding fuel to her fire.
I just snipped out part of your excellent reply and this flusters me the most. I think it is very hard to leave a concerned comment on a diary completion in your newsfeed when everyone else is giving approval by leaving comments like "wtg!" and "Keep it up!". It seems like I am just going against the tide as it were...
I have an issue with this part of it as well. I can only assume a lot of these comments are made by people who just make the comment without looking at the diary first
Or, they are actually idiots and think it's great.... either way, they sound like crappy friends.0 -
One day, and it won't be any time soon I'm guessing, I'll check my messages before posting. 0
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I leave all people on my friends list no matter their calories but I will not tell them good job or comment on a diary with a net of under 1000 calories. one of my friends is on a diet than average negative net calories she lost over 100 lb in 6 months but shes lost a lost of lean mass but doesn't believe she has. people will do what they thnk is the best for them even if you don't think it is iam here for support but will not comment on behavior that I think is hurtful. but will comment on there commitment like days logged and such we all need support even if they don't go about it the right way.0
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I question them. If they persist in their behavior, I delete them from my list. I am not qualified to 'help' anyone with an eating disorder, and I'm not going to watch while they partake in dangerous behavior. It might sound harsh, but they are looking for like minded individuals, and if you ignore them they are likely to take that as affirmation. By deleting them (after giving them a chance) I let them know I am not supporting their behavior.0
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If they genuinely understand what they're doing is wrong and harmful and are asking me genuinely how to do better then I can be of help...otherwise I don't accept friends like that and I delete people who do that with any regularity. I can't support that and won't. I'm all about actual health, nutrition, and fitness and people with EDs usually need more help than I could possibly provide.0
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What is things I won't do?
"That"?0 -
I question it once and provide some supportive information and advice. If they persist, then I unfriend them. This is a FITNESS site; I do not support unhealthy practices. Simple.0
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It's nice the hear that genuinely care about people and wants what's best for them. All you can really do is keep encouraging them to be healthy...maybe encourage them to throw in an apple or an extra salad for the day. If you see them consistently way too far under then don't comment....only comment on a healthy day....that may help make something click for them if they see their being praised when they eat a bit more.
^^ This ^^
I only ++ comments when the day is good (or reasonably good). If things are consistently low, I might make a couple of grumblings. I just don't usually comment if it's bad. If I can't stand it and it's depressing me, I delete. I won't praise negative behavior and I won't let myself get down about it either. Everyone is on their own journey.
Best Wishing in getting healthy! 0 -
I had a goal set at 800 calories a day and when I exercise I netted about 300. I for one do NOT eat back my exercise calories.....unless I'm hungry. The difference in me and some of those other people is they have an eating disorder and I do not (even though some said differently). I would never support someone who is 100 lbs and want to be 80 lbs. That is an eating disorder and I can not support that. My goal was to get the weight off fast because I was over 400lbs and I figured being that obese was worse on me than eating 800 calories a day. I am now at a better place in my weight and have increased my calories, and I plan on increasing them even more. I'm just doing it slowly, so I don't gain. I am not one of those people who can't wait to exercise so they can have more to eat. I figure with that kind of attitude I will be overweight again in no time because I'm looking at eating more and more instead of knowing when I've had enough.0
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