New traditions for the holidays not going well

abeare
abeare Posts: 504 Member
in Chit-Chat
So I’m looking to get some objective advise, and although this has nothing to do with fitness or healthy eating, this is the only site I’m a member of so that’s why it’s being posted here.
In previous years my husband and I have spent the holidays traveling in our car to appease family by going to them. We reduced the visit times last year for our sons first xmas so that we could have `family time` and it upset some people. This year we offered to host and have both families at our house so that we could spend more time visiting and less time traveling around a toddlers nap schedule. This was fine with my in-laws but my family is pissed. My brother just informed me that I’m heartless (his words), because apparently my father who is overly sentimental feels like it won’t be xmas unless it’s at their house. I should add that the only xmas part my parents or brother have is the one, whereas it’s me who is in the car the whole day racing from one party to the next. I agreed to do as usual and stop there but explained that we can’t stay long, and so they`re still upset.
How do you all handle the holidays? I feel like my parents and brother are unwilling to admit that the family is growing and with that comes some change to the dynamics.
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Replies

  • abeare
    abeare Posts: 504 Member
    My brother is an *kitten*, but that’s not new to me. But the fact that I’m ruining xmas for my dad breaks my heart.
    How does everyone else deal with too many family obligations over the holidays? And still have a xmas for their kids? My poor husband will be driving 6hours in a 24 hour period on his first day off in 15days to make everyone happy. I don’t want my kid to think the holidays are about a quick stop in at family’s houses to get presents then off to the next place.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    I just have Christmas at my house.. I am not traveling anywhere. You want to spend time with me, then you come to me.
  • Ripcode
    Ripcode Posts: 142 Member
    Don't let your family guilt-trip you.
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
    Put your immediate family's needs first. Focus on building happy holiday traditions for your kids. Raising them in an atmosphere where holiday = rushing around and people being stressed does NOT sound like a good thing for their long-term development. Host the event at your place and let the rest of the family either appreciate your situation and your opening up of your home, or not.
  • linzchapates
    linzchapates Posts: 135
    You aren't ruining christmas for your dad, your dad can make the best of it or can sit and play the victim...ultimately, he's choosing to "ruin" his own christmas.... Do what makes you happy... You're not responsibly for anyone elses' happiness but your own!
  • kgbenny
    kgbenny Posts: 15 Member
    You have the child, you get priority. They should be coming to you, plain and simple. I would offer to let your parents in on the Santa excitement and really hype up making Christmas special for your son. Do they want to experience that or not?

    My husband and I don't have children yet, but I can already tell some of my in-laws will have trouble letting go of "tradition" of having Christmas all about their kids (who are now grown). I have already told my mother-in-law that they are more than welcome to partake in the excitement and joy of Christmas morning at our house when we have kids, but that we're having our Christmas at our place whether others like it or not. I have already stopped going home to my family, so they are already used to it and are starting to make traditions coming up to see me (and my husband) instead.

    It might be hard at first, but it will get better. They'll get over it.
  • Captain_RG
    Captain_RG Posts: 96 Member
    Don't let them guilt trip you. I understand the feeling of upsetting the family's comfort zone around Christmas after starting a new family, but now it's all about the little one and creating time to make traditions your child will carry with them all through their life.
  • SkinnyFatAlbert
    SkinnyFatAlbert Posts: 482 Member
    How do you all handle the holidays?

    I do what I want.
  • LoraF83
    LoraF83 Posts: 15,694 Member
    Holiday scheduling is a nightmare for me. We usually have 5-6 family dinners to attend, along with work parties and other social obligations. Throw in a complicated work schedule for my husband and it turns into a headache.

    My family recognizes that it's not about the actual day of the celebrations, just that we spend time together. So, my dad & step-mom always plan their dinner a week before or after Christmas. I made a rule that we don't travel on Christmas Day. That's time for my husband, daughter and I to spend together. Grandparents are welcome to stop by and visit. Then, I give my inlaws a list of dates we are available and they try to schedule around that (the dates usually include Christmas Eve and/or the day after, along with weekends before and after). My husband's grandmothers still like for everyone to get together - which is becoming more and more difficult as his cousins and siblings are all adults with their own families. It's hard getting 10 different households together at the same time. And if one person can't make it, grandma feels slighted or feels the need to find another date that does work. I've suggested that next year, we have it earlier in the month because it's too hard to plan right around the holiday.

    You need to have a conversation with your dad. Ask him about your family Christmases when you were little. Ask him about how it felt to watch you open your presents and spend time together on holidays. Appeal to his sentimental side and tell him you want that for your own child. Then, work with him to plan something special the day before or after the holidays. Try to give your family their own celebration. I'm guessing that's what's bothering your dad the most - that you are combining with your inlaws. Give him his own day/time and it should help smooth things out.
  • _Tink_
    _Tink_ Posts: 3,845 Member
    You aren't ruining christmas for your dad, your dad can make the best of it or can sit and play the victim...ultimately, he's choosing to "ruin" his own christmas.... Do what makes you happy... You're not responsibly for anyone elses' happiness but your own!

    This. Christmas should be about the people you're spending time with, not the location. If they truly want to spend the holidays with you, they'll do it no matter where it ends up being.
  • roxylola
    roxylola Posts: 540 Member
    So your brother told you your dad is unhappy with this. This is not your brothers place to be coming to you with this. They all need to grow up. You came up with a great compromise and now you are being given a guilt trip about it. I would refuse to change plans. Your father is an adult and needs to deal with this himself. If it is such a big deal he needs to come up with a better compromise and if he can't he needs to man up some.

    Sorry if this is a bit blunt but I would have been even blunter to your brother!
  • 40andFindingFitness
    40andFindingFitness Posts: 497 Member
    Don't let your family guilt-trip you.

    ^^ This. Christmas is Christmas wherever you are. Ask your dad why he thinks it's not Christmas unless it's at his house. Tell him you'd like to create memories at your house like he's done with his then suggest that everyone select a year to host Christmas at their house. 'Tis the season to compromise not argue or be forced into anything.
  • askeates
    askeates Posts: 1,490 Member
    Now that you have a child, it needs to be about him. I understand that it is sad to stop 1 tradition and start a new one, but believe it or not, the family will eventually understand.

    When my 2 oldest were young, we told our families that we would not spend the day running from place to place all day long. We wanted the children to have time to relax and enjoy Santa's fare. So for my family we hosted breakfast (we invited the in-laws, but they didn't come), and they came over early enough to see the kids open their gifts and stockings and then we had a lovely time.

    We would then go to my in-laws in the late afternoon/evening for dinner and do gifts with them. It worked really well, and we didn't spend the entire day travelling from place to place. It was 1 drive (for us it was only 10 minutes), and the kids really enjoyed it, as did our families after a time.

    Maybe this would be a good way for you ALL to bend a bit.... just a thought.
  • BeccaBollons
    BeccaBollons Posts: 652 Member
    Well I don't celebrate christmas, so this is from the outside looking in.
    I blieve that when you leave home and have your own house then you start your new family traditions from there. Its easier when you're single to just keep going home, but then you get married and have to take more into consideration. Then you have a child and it takes even more effort. Having a child means the start of a new family unit- you make your own traditions. Your dad will have to accept that he 'gave you away' when you got married.
    And for what its worth, I think you are amazing for opening up your home to have everyone stay! I know some families take it in turns to be the 'host family' for Christmas year by year.
  • Xenophonica
    Xenophonica Posts: 79 Member
    Holidays shouldn't be about guilt trips. We ask people to come to us because we are tight on money right now, and we also have a toddler. Packing kids up and traveling is far less easier than people want to make it sound.
  • beachlover317
    beachlover317 Posts: 2,848 Member
    I spent many years in a car traveling from family to in laws so that we could celebrate Christmas together. Well, I also did a lot of b****ing and moaning about it over the years, too.

    Now my daughter is grown, married, has teenage children and do you know what? I am so glad we went every year. Yes, it was a pain. But my mother passed away 2 years ago and now it will never be the same again. My father's health is not good - bet we will all be there in our family home to celebrate with him this year (great-grandchildren and all). This is just my opinion, but life is way too short. If you have a good relationship with your family, make it happen. One day you will look around and the opportunity for the family to be together in your parent's home will be gone.

    Merry Christmas. :flowerforyou:
  • elyelyse
    elyelyse Posts: 1,454 Member
    You aren't ruining christmas for your dad, your dad can make the best of it or can sit and play the victim...ultimately, he's choosing to "ruin" his own christmas...
    This totally. My best friend's father-in-law is the same way and it really angers me that he's so selfish. Juggling kids is a LOT of work, and people without young children should be either willing to travel to you, or accept not spending the holiday together, guilt free.
  • Mitzki5
    Mitzki5 Posts: 482 Member
    If they are unwilling to compromise, try splitting it up. My parents are divorced but not my wifes, so we have three places to go. What we do is split it up through out the week. Usually do Christmas Eve with my mom's side and Christmas night with the wifes parents. We have made it clear that we will not go anywhere before noon on Christmas day. This gives the wife and I family time with our kids and they are not rushed thru their presents and can enjoy them for a bit. Usually do an evening the weekend before or after Christmas with my dads side. This schedule works the best for us. I hated the first couple years with kids where we tried to squeeze everyone in on the same day.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    Your family sounds very selfish. They should understand the stress of traveling with a small child and the cost of gas, etc. Stick to your guns and either they see it from your view, or they continue to exist in their own selfish world where everyone else has to cater to their needs.
  • PennyM140
    PennyM140 Posts: 423 Member
    When you have children, Christmas is about them. When I had my son I told both of our families that Christmas day will be at our house every year. Anyone who wants to join us to celebrate is welcome to. I refuse to budge and so far it has worked out fine.
    I don't believe my son should have to be dragged all over town or out of state on Christmas. I also don't think it is fair for one set of grandparents to have access to him that day and another set be left out.

    If your family is upset about it maybe you can start a new Christmas Eve tradition with them. Don't let them ruin your holiday :smile:

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