What do you mean you 'don't like the way I look?'

2»

Replies

  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
    Oh wow, that must not have felt great to hear that. TBH, I don't see that many muscles. You are not at all bulky. Could something else be bothering him? I agree with what some of the others are saying- about becoming more lean. Maybe move toward cardio and decrease your calories some more? IDK. I hate that your husbnad told you that.

    If my boyfriend said something like that I prob would have told him to eat *kitten*.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    if I was her (and didn't want to gain muscle) I would lower my volume, starting with cutting my sets down from reps of 12-15 to reps of 5. Maybe occasional reps to 8, but mostly in that 3-6 range. I'd also cut my total exercises down to 1 per muscle group, maybe occasionally do 2, but probably not three.

    TL:DR: Fewer calories, fewer sets, fewer reps.

    I was thinking the same as far as routine and volume. You could even switch to something simple like Strong-lifts, but do 3x5 and don't focus on progressing so much.
  • mgorham13
    mgorham13 Posts: 168 Member
    I'm not an expert but if you lowered your rep range from like 5-8 with a little heavier weight you would still be gaining or maintaining your muscle mass while you cut weight. I believe the higher rep ranges promote muscle growth. Your guns are blazing it looks awesome. As a dude and a husband we sometimes don't really express what we mean very clearly. He might be having some insecurity issues which is common but I would give him a pass this time. Make your decision based on what you want he will get over it.
  • DopeItUp
    DopeItUp Posts: 18,771 Member
    i'm not sure why everyone is calling the husband an *kitten*. he has a question, an opinion and a voice, and he used all three. too bad, so sad if his views don't line up exactly with what the the OP and the forum regulars want to hear. if a strong marriage is founded on communication then he should be allowed to communicate things besides which his wife wants to hear. "I don't like" should be allowed. If he says "Do what I say or I'm outty", that's an entirely different matter.

    Anyway, my advice is that the OP keep eating in a deficit so that she can cut more fat. Eating more will just contribute to her muscle gains (this is assuming she doesn't want any more muscle gains). Once she gets to the general size she wants to be that would be the "eat more" time, not now. And if I was her (and didn't want to gain muscle) I would lower my volume, starting with cutting my sets down from reps of 12-15 to reps of 5. Maybe occasional reps to 8, but mostly in that 3-6 range. I'd also cut my total exercises down to 1 per muscle group, maybe occasionally do 2, but probably not three.

    TL:DR: Fewer calories, fewer sets, fewer reps.

    I came here to post this (this seems to be happening a lot). The rep ranges you're doing are specifically targeted towards muscle growth. Going heavy with less reps and less overall volume will improve strength more than it will build muscle mass. That way you can get stronger without getting much (if any) bigger. Maybe you can have your cake and eat it too? All this, combined with a calorie deficit will result in a smaller but stronger body. Win/win?
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    TL:DR: Fewer calories, fewer sets, fewer reps.

    ^^^^ Do this.
  • Fullsterkur_woman
    Fullsterkur_woman Posts: 2,712 Member
    That way you can get stronger without getting much (if any) bigger. Maybe you can have your cake and eat it too? All this, combined with a calorie deficit will result in a smaller but stronger body. Win/win?
    If that's what *she* wants. Me? I'm entitled to take up space.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    I creeped your pictures, and judging by the man I'm assuming is your husband, if those are recent... I would say he probably is just upset that you look more in shape than he does. Maybe it's just that, and he's not willing to change right now so he doesn't want you looking "better than him".

    oh interesting perspective. has he voiced any jealousy?
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member

    My next thought is- when he says that- tell him you don't like your man looking like a woman - and when he gets offended ask him how he likes it when people give unsolicited opinions about the way you view your body.

    (unless of course he's jack diesel in which case that's not going to work- but anyone who says that about their woman I have seen- in my highly unscientific observations- isn't a heavy lifter themselves)

    I love you for this advice and for this observation. Yes. One hundred percent. I have never met a heavy lifter of either sex who likes their partner to be breakable.
  • cafeaulait7
    cafeaulait7 Posts: 2,459 Member
    Just tell him you won't flex around him :D

    Seriously, it isn't clear what you want for your aesthetics. That's the first thing to know, and then his feelings can be factored in, imho.

    I dated a guy who had smaller muscles than me (we were about the same height), and he started to make an issue of it at first, but I refused to take criticism for being a muscular girl. He was a track athlete, so it was easy enough for him to 'explain' why his muscles weren't big. So it worked out fine once that was covered, lol.

    If your husband's muscles are still bigger than yours, I'd definitely point that out! Some men are insecure about strength and muscle compared to women, and that's what it usually boils down to, imho. I mean, you don't look like Ms Universe ;)
  • ModernNerd
    ModernNerd Posts: 336 Member
    i'm not sure why everyone is calling the husband an *kitten*. he has a question, an opinion and a voice, and he used all three. too bad, so sad if his views don't line up exactly with what the the OP and the forum regulars want to hear. if a strong marriage is founded on communication then he should be allowed to communicate things besides which his wife wants to hear. "I don't like" should be allowed. If he says "Do what I say or I'm outty", that's an entirely different matter.

    I completely agree that a partner should be able to voice his opinion in a healthy equal relationship, but I'm not sure how much she should be obligated to act on his opinion. If she's happy with her body, then you go glen coco :flowerforyou: if not, then chat up the hubster and see if you can get a better sense together of where you want to be!
  • Pedalpush
    Pedalpush Posts: 246 Member
    I am so glad I posted this today. Y'all have been wonderful. I feel like I got some great links, some great advice and I was able purge a little bit of hurt. I appreciate being able to pout in a public forum.

    I truly appreciate my husband's honesty. He would let me know if I was wearing something that was not the most flattering, he would also NOT let me walk around with spinach in my teeth.

    Now if he would only follow my healthy examples... Baby steps.
  • Laura3BB
    Laura3BB Posts: 250 Member
    i'm not sure why everyone is calling the husband an *kitten*. he has a question, an opinion and a voice, and he used all three. too bad, so sad if his views don't line up exactly with what the the OP and the forum regulars want to hear. if a strong marriage is founded on communication then he should be allowed to communicate things besides which his wife wants to hear. "I don't like" should be allowed. If he says "Do what I say or I'm outty", that's an entirely different matter.

    This.
    Been married 20 years and very happy in my marriage. Marriage is communication.

    Regarding being too muscular I don't have an opinion but I'm not a heavy lifter :-)
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    not sure if this has been suggested or not (i'm too lazy to read ALL the responses) not focusing so much on progressively overloading the muscles will help, so instead of doing high weights with lower reps you can do something like higher reps with lower reps. this could also include circuit training style workouts where you combine some amount of resistance with cardio training.
  • twixlepennie
    twixlepennie Posts: 1,074 Member
    i'm not sure why everyone is calling the husband an *kitten*. he has a question, an opinion and a voice, and he used all three. too bad, so sad if his views don't line up exactly with what the the OP and the forum regulars want to hear. if a strong marriage is founded on communication then he should be allowed to communicate things besides which his wife wants to hear. "I don't like" should be allowed. If he says "Do what I say or I'm outty", that's an entirely different matter.

    Anyway, my advice is that the OP keep eating in a deficit so that she can cut more fat. Eating more will just contribute to her muscle gains (this is assuming she doesn't want any more muscle gains). Once she gets to the general size she wants to be that would be the "eat more" time, not now. And if I was her (and didn't want to gain muscle) I would lower my volume, starting with cutting my sets down from reps of 12-15 to reps of 5. Maybe occasional reps to 8, but mostly in that 3-6 range. I'd also cut my total exercises down to 1 per muscle group, maybe occasionally do 2, but probably not three.

    TL:DR: Fewer calories, fewer sets, fewer reps.

    +1
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    i'm not sure why everyone is calling the husband an *kitten*. he has a question, an opinion and a voice, and he used all three. too bad, so sad if his views don't line up exactly with what the the OP and the forum regulars want to hear. if a strong marriage is founded on communication then he should be allowed to communicate things besides which his wife wants to hear. "I don't like" should be allowed. If he says "Do what I say or I'm outty", that's an entirely different matter.

    I don't think he's an *kitten*, but I do hope he's as open to pleasing her with how he looks, rather than JUST offering up his opinions.
  • kdsp2911
    kdsp2911 Posts: 170 Member
    I am so glad I posted this today. Y'all have been wonderful. I feel like I got some great links, some great advice and I was able purge a little bit of hurt. I appreciate being able to pout in a public forum.

    I truly appreciate my husband's honesty. He would let me know if I was wearing something that was not the most flattering, he would also NOT let me walk around with spinach in my teeth.

    Now if he would only follow my healthy examples... Baby steps.

    OP if he doesn't start to follow now on his own, he may be "forced" to in the long run due to the detrimental effect on his health. My husband wasn't completely on board with my whole lifestyle changes, but just got health related news last week that left him no choices but to make MAJOR changes. Keep your head up, follow the advice given (I particularly liked the advice about lower reps, higher weight, and staying at a deficit), and you will see changes in yourself and your husband. Eventually. The easy way, or the "hard" way. :flowerforyou:
  • Stef_bru_it
    Stef_bru_it Posts: 1
    There is an entire aspect of being and feeling healthy too. ... Do you feel better? Healthier? More in shape? Better cardio? Or fitness level? More energy? Less sleepy throughout the day? Able to life, normal everyday items easier?

    This will translate to less time being sick or injured too!

    Keep up the great work,
  • hoyalawya2003
    hoyalawya2003 Posts: 631 Member
    i'm not sure why everyone is calling the husband an *kitten*. he has a question, an opinion and a voice, and he used all three. too bad, so sad if his views don't line up exactly with what the the OP and the forum regulars want to hear. if a strong marriage is founded on communication then he should be allowed to communicate things besides which his wife wants to hear. "I don't like" should be allowed. If he says "Do what I say or I'm outty", that's an entirely different matter.

    I don't think he's an *kitten*, but I do hope he's as open to pleasing her with how he looks, rather than JUST offering up his opinions.

    If he doesn't want her to stop working out and doing what she is doing, then he should have stayed quiet. Good communication /= spouting off every thought that pops in your head. What is the point of making your partner feel badly about themselves and what makes her happy and healthy?

    I assume, however, he said it because he does want her to stop working out. And I think that is crappy.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
    If he doesn't want her to stop working out and doing what she is doing, then he should have stayed quiet. Good communication /= spouting off every thought that pops in your head. What is the point of making your partner feel badly about themselves and what makes her happy and healthy?

    I assume, however, he said it because he does want her to stop working out. And I think that is crappy.

    yeeeeeeah.....i don't think that's how the scenario went down. i like your relationship advice tho. "Just Shut Up". I'm sure that will fix all the problem relationships of mfp
  • RM10003
    RM10003 Posts: 316 Member
    OK, so apart from all the advice you've received on changing around your lifting routine, I would say don't make up your mind that you can never be less than a size 12. I am 5'9", started this journey at 184 (squeezing into a 12, probably really a 14 but I wasn't honest with myself). I assumed that I could never wear single-digit size clothing, I was ALWAYS double digits/a size large, even when I was hyperthyroid and at 147 I was a size 10, etc etc.

    So now I'm around 157 and I wear a size 8. I am still having issues wrapping my head around this, and I tell myself it is just size inflation. But the reality is that it all depends on your fat and muscle distribution. If you don't feel like getting much smaller, that's cool and that's your decision. But don't decide that it's not possible.
  • wanderlustre_
    wanderlustre_ Posts: 5
    i think i'm like wayyy too late for this. I'm thinking right now, WHAT AN AWESOME MOM YOU WOULD BE! heck, you can literally put the whole world on your shoulders. As for leaning out, maybe swimming to curb the whole over-muscular? Try doing your reps with lighter weights, no more than 10lbs if you wish to lean out. But i wouldn't really choose that, i mean. It sounds like your spouse is jealous of your muscles and trying to put you down! keep your head high, princess. Love yourself, don't let others decide how your life should be.

Categories