Back at Square 1

I started MFP back in April. I had just seen a particularly gruesome picture of myself, wearing a tight little black dress that emphasized all of my trouble areas. I felt disgusted, and joined MFP. I was quite successful. Between April and August, I managed to get my weight down from 149 to 128, only 3 pounds away from my goal weight. At 1200 calories a day, I was ecstatic, completely psyched up to see that magical number 125 come up on the scale.

I waited. And I waited. And I waited. For about a month I continued my limited 1200 calorie diet and exercise, sure that any day the scale would start to drop again. I even went lower, dropping to 1000 cal/day, ready to try anything. I took the advice of you helpful folks here in the form, and bumped up to 1350, figuring maybe I had to gain a pound or two to start losing again.

That was around late August, the same time I was starting back at school. That did it. I stopped habitual use of the MFP app, and stopped tracking my diet. I was running cross country after school, so while I did gain a couple of pounds, it was nothing big because I was running it off 6 days a week.

Late October, the season ended. The stress and anxiety of school and work was getting to me, not to mention empty hours no longer taken up by running (I loathe the cold, so I stopped exercising outside). I came home and did school work, filling the void of time and soothing the anxiety with food, none of it good for me (a story I have seen here before). I could feel the waistband of my new jeans getting tighter, but instead of doing something about the problem 15 pounds ago, I just threw on a sweatshirt, telling myself I'd go for a walk later and skip dessert.

Now here I am. December 26. I am at 145 pounds, only 4 pounds away from my starting weight last time. None of my new clothes fit anymore. I'm back to feeling like the disgusting pig I felt like before. I can't believe I let this happen to myself, can't believe I let my self control slip so badly as to relapse so completely. I'll blame it on depriving myself for so long. 1200 calories a day was really tough for me, and after so many months of it, I guess I just cracked. I have no one to blame but myself. I let stress, anxiety, and boredom get the best of me, and now I have to start from scratch again. I know that to many of you, 20 pounds is nothing in the long run, or that you're thinking "Oh god, she's only 145, what does SHE know about being over weight?" But to me, this is kind of a big deal, an embarrassment, a sign to the world that I have no self control to turn down a slice of pizza or a cupcake. And to look back and see how far I had come, only to let it slip through my fingers 3 pounds away from my goal. Losing the weight was so hard before, and the idea of having to do it again embarrasses me, scares me. What if I fail again? What if I get so close, only to relapse again? I just have to get going again I guess.

I'm not sure what this post has been exactly. An introduction? A rant? A self-reflection? Whatever it may be, I just hope it's the last "I used to be skinny and now I'm fat" post I'll ever have to make again. My Weight Loss: Take 2