Catching up with an Ex - tell your partner or no?
RonnieLodge
Posts: 665 Member
in Chit-Chat
I recently met up with an ex - we are seldom in touch but were in the same country for the first time in half a decade.
I am happily married, Ex has been dating someone for the last couple of years and we live in different hemispheres.
I had told my husband when we first arranged to meet. He asked if I wanted him to come along for support and I said "no thanks".
A couple of my girlfriends tutted and said their husbands would never allow them to do the same, let alone offer to go along too.
We spent the afternoon together drinking coffee and catching up on what each other had been doing the last few years.
Just before we said goodbye, Ex said something along the lines of "please don't put any mention of this afternoon on social media as I haven't told my girlfriend (who I have never met) we are meeting and you are the only ex I am still in touch with".
It seemed a little weird, it was a perfectly innocent afternoon of conversation between a couple of people who used to live together.
So basically, I am wondering:
WHY wouldn't a person tell their partner if they were going to have lunch with an ex (especially one who they haven't seen in years, is very happily married and living in another hemisphere)?
I am happily married, Ex has been dating someone for the last couple of years and we live in different hemispheres.
I had told my husband when we first arranged to meet. He asked if I wanted him to come along for support and I said "no thanks".
A couple of my girlfriends tutted and said their husbands would never allow them to do the same, let alone offer to go along too.
We spent the afternoon together drinking coffee and catching up on what each other had been doing the last few years.
Just before we said goodbye, Ex said something along the lines of "please don't put any mention of this afternoon on social media as I haven't told my girlfriend (who I have never met) we are meeting and you are the only ex I am still in touch with".
It seemed a little weird, it was a perfectly innocent afternoon of conversation between a couple of people who used to live together.
So basically, I am wondering:
WHY wouldn't a person tell their partner if they were going to have lunch with an ex (especially one who they haven't seen in years, is very happily married and living in another hemisphere)?
0
Replies
-
Basically because those women just admitted to you that they'd cheat.
Uncool.0 -
I recently met up with an ex - we are seldom in touch but were in the same country for the first time in half a decade.
I am happily married, Ex has been dating someone for the last couple of years and we live in different hemispheres.
We spent the afternoon together drinking coffee and catching up on what each other had been doing the last few years.
Just before we said goodbye, Ex said something along the lines of "please don't put any mention of this afternoon on social media as I haven't told my girlfriend (who I have never met) we are meeting and you are the only ex I am still in touch with".
It seemed a little weird, it was a perfectly innocent afternoon of conversation between a couple of people who used to live together.
I had told my husband when we first arranged to meet. He asked if I wanted him to come along for support and I said "no thanks".
A couple of my girlfriends tutted and said their husbands would never allow them to do the same, let alone offer to go along too.
So basically, I am wondering:
WHY wouldn't a person tell their partner if they were going to have lunch with an ex (especially one who they haven't seen in years, is very happily married and living in another hemisphere)?
They probably didn't tell them from fear of their reaction. Personally I would never meet up with an ex but that's just me. Just meeting up can lead to other things. Think about it, at one point in your lives you were both attracted to eachother. That's really all you need for something to "happen".
I kind of went through something like this recently where I was contacted by an ex via social media. She cares about me still and things just didn't work out because we were in different places of life. She was checking up on me asking how I was doing and asking when my wedding was, if I was happy and reassured me that she wasn't trying to do anything but still cared about me and quote "wants to see me happy even if it wasn't with her". After talking a bit and letting her know I was very happy and excited about the wedding she asked if she could be invited (awkward).
I ended up not saying anything to my fiance because I didn't want it to appear that something was going on when it wasn't. So she ended up finding some stuff on my computer and had to ask me about it, which makes it even worse.
Moral of the story is to avoid any ex's if you care about the person you are with. If the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be very pissed about it.0 -
They wouldn't tell their partner because they knew their partner would be upset. Maybe the girlfriend is irrationally jealous, or maybe the guy behaves in a way that makes the partner wary of him meeting up with exes.0
-
They probably didn't tell them from fear of their reaction. Personally I would never meet up with an ex but that's just me. Just meeting up can lead to other things. Think about it, at one point in your lives you were both attracted to each other. That's really all you need for something to "happen".
I kind of went through something like this recently where I was contacted by an ex via social media. She cares about me still and things just didn't work out because we were in different places of life. She was checking up on me asking how I was doing and asking when my wedding was, if I was happy and reassured me that she wasn't trying to do anything but still cared about me and quote "wants to see me happy even if it wasn't with her". After talking a bit and letting her know I was very happy and excited about the wedding she asked if she could be invited (awkward).
I ended up not saying anything to my fiance because I didn't want it to appear that something was going on when it wasn't. So she ended up finding some stuff on my computer and had to ask me about it, which makes it even worse.
Moral of the story is to avoid any ex's if you care about the person you are with. If the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be very pissed about it.
Ex asking for a wedding invite - that IS awkward! :noway:
But now you mention it, I remember when I was dating the Ex and was on his computer, a girl who was on the other side of the world started messaging, thinking it was him. We corresponded for a bit and I came clean when I realized it was an old f-buddy of his and we kept chatting online had a laugh.
When the Ex got home and I told him I had been getting to know one of his old romping partners he got pretty antsy about it, which I found a little weird.0 -
a few reasons
- they know the partner is jealous/insecure
- the partner isn't jealous, but the women still have feelings for the ex and are projecting that into feelings of cheating
- they could just be talking *kitten* just for the sake of feeling superior and tutting and their partners wouldnt give a crap0 -
Some people are insecure. I had sex with a male friend of mine a few times when we were 19...WAY before he met his wife. She just started being cool with me last year, and we are 36. She has hated me up until recently, and he always had to sneak behind her back just to have a drink with me at a bar. So, who knows what your ex boyfriend's reasons were?0
-
a few reasons
- they know the partner is jealous/insecure
- the partner isn't jealous, but the women still have feelings for the ex and are projecting that into feelings of cheating
- they could just be talking *kitten* just for the sake of feeling superior and tutting and their partners wouldnt give a crap
This is good!0 -
My husband of five years keeps in touch with all his old girlfriends - maybe half a dozen in total. It's no big deal. It depends on the trust and security level of the couple. I know he's not an idiot and would never do anything more than catch up with them.0
-
Maybe he has discussed your past relationship with her and given her reason to believe he still has unresolved feelings for you. She may be really insecure and he is trying to spare her feelings. The possibilities are limitless. I think you did the wise thing by respecting his wishes. You have moved on, and that is really all that matters in your life. Right?0
-
Exes are exes for a reason, they need to remain a part of the past.0
-
i hope to avoid this in the future. please, just always tell me.
They probably didn't tell them from fear of their reaction. Personally I would never meet up with an ex but that's just me. Just meeting up can lead to other things. Think about it, at one point in your lives you were both attracted to eachother. That's really all you need for something to "happen".
I kind of went through something like this recently where I was contacted by an ex via social media. She cares about me still and things just didn't work out because we were in different places of life. She was checking up on me asking how I was doing and asking when my wedding was, if I was happy and reassured me that she wasn't trying to do anything but still cared about me and quote "wants to see me happy even if it wasn't with her". After talking a bit and letting her know I was very happy and excited about the wedding she asked if she could be invited (awkward).
I ended up not saying anything to my fiance because I didn't want it to appear that something was going on when it wasn't. So she ended up finding some stuff on my computer and had to ask me about it, which makes it even worse.
Moral of the story is to avoid any ex's if you care about the person you are with. If the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be very pissed about it.0 -
My husband of five years keeps in touch with all his old girlfriends - maybe half a dozen in total. It's no big deal. It depends on the trust and security level of the couple. I know he's not an idiot and would never do anything more than catch up with them.
That's what maturity is all about - trust and no dictating to someone. Give the person the benefit of the doubt, because if she/he is going to cheat, nothing will stop them.0 -
Exes are exes for a reason, they need to remain a part of the past.
Unless the person was abusive in the relationship, this is a load of bull$hit.0 -
The only ex I kept in touch with was my ex husband and that was only because we had a child together. My current husband didn't care because he knew how much I dislike my ex. There is no way in hell that I would ever consider getting back together with him.
My husband has a few long ago exes on his FL on FB, but he's 52 years old and most of them were girls he dated in high school who are now happily married. If they started PMing back and forth, I might have a problem, but they don't. He did date a woman from the time he was 24 until he was 30, they lived together on and off. They have no relationship now, it was not a good breakup. She called him 2 or 3 times after we got together, a couple of those times after we were married. I was sitting next to him the one time and he told me the next morning the other times (I had gone to bed before she called). I knew he didn't have any desire to get back together with her, so I was fine with it. But he also wasn't hiding it from me, and this was prior to caller ID, so I would have had no clue she had called.0 -
If they don't tell, I guess their relationship must be pretty shaky (either for her not to trust him or for him to do stuff behind her back)... when I met an ex I asked my then-boyfriend if he was fine with that. I'm not in touch with any of my exes anymore, but if I were I would tell my partner about it.0
-
I would tell my husband and he would say ok, have fun. Why? Because we have trust. There will always be situations that the other person can't control who your significant other is going to be around. I would be able to trust my husband in a room full of super models. Because I trust him not to cheat on me. It doesn't matter how the other person behaves towards him, its how he reacts to it.0
-
My ex (we divorced in 1979) contacted me 15 years ago. She was still single and wanted to have a child before she was too old. Asked if I would impregnate her.
Jokingly asked my wife if that was okay. She said, "I don't think so, but I'll take a mayonnaise jar to work and take up a colection for her."
My wife can be so narrow minded.0 -
I would tell immediately. I might need back-up!0
-
I've never been in a relationship that ended with us still being on good/speaking terms. For that reason I cannot comprehend the idea of even WANTING to stay in touch with an ex.0
-
Unless you have a kid with your ex I see no reason to stay in touch...IMO0
-
all of my relationships start with some kind of friendship, never just met a guy and bam started dating. for that reason when a relationship is over i tend to still care about them AS FRIENDS just because people don't work out as a couple doesn't mean they cant work as friends after the fact specially if that's how you started out. i do have a few ex's who i wouldn't go near even if my life depended on it, but i do have a few who i like to keep in touch with. the father of my daughter iv known since i was 11, though things haven't worked out i will ALWAYS care about him and want to stay in touch, not just because we share a child but because we were best friends for years. we have a lot of history and that can really bond people. i have another ex who i dated long distance and when we met up it was alright but nothing life changing, i still wonder about him and hope hes doing well id love the chance to catch up with him, and there 2 others like that as well who i like to stay in touch with. none of those continued friendships would impact my current relationship. i would never hide a conversation or meeting with one of these from my current. as i would expect the same respect from him. iv also talked this all out with him and have made it clear time and time again that hes my guy my only guy. i think as long as you have a sturdy trusting relationship and all cards on the table then you have no reason to hide things be jealous or worry about what the other is doing or feeling. now if my current did express an issue with any of these friendships i would likely do my best to keep them a little more distant for his comfort. i think anyone hiding any kid of interation with an ex from a current probably still has feelings for the ex and doesnt want to risk losing whatever kind of relationship they maintain.0
-
Maybe he has discussed your past relationship with her and given her reason to believe he still has unresolved feelings for you. She may be really insecure and he is trying to spare her feelings. The possibilities are limitless. I think you did the wise thing by respecting his wishes. You have moved on, and that is really all that matters in your life. Right?
Yeah, it is. :happy:0 -
My husband of five years keeps in touch with all his old girlfriends - maybe half a dozen in total. It's no big deal. It depends on the trust and security level of the couple. I know he's not an idiot and would never do anything more than catch up with them.
Ah, that is great.
I find it a little odd if someone is not on even cordial speaking terms with any of their exes - I mean, if you loved them once, where did the love go?0 -
Ive only had one bad breakup ever, so I'm on good terms with plenty of my exes.
I would have no problem with my fiance meeting up with an ex for lunch or coffee, I am not a jealous person, and have complete trust in him and his love for me.
However, my finace has self-esteem issues, and jealousy issues, so I prefer to just refer to my exes as "friends" - and he has told me not to tell him the context in which I know people (i.e. he doesn't want to know who I've slept with or dated) - and he is fine with me having lunch with anyone I refer to as a friend.0 -
Thats right!Exes are exes for a reason, they need to remain a part of the past.0 -
Im going to be honest
I think your ex thought that he could get some *kitten* post coffee and did not want his current GF to know his whereabouts.0 -
Only way I'd meet up with an ex is if I were single myself and so was the other person. or if their partner wants to join along they absolutely can. Just my personal experience is when my ex and I had a fight one time, we didn't break up but he took his ex out to dinner and she paid for him and they talked. It's the fact that we were still together and he didn't tell me until a few weeks AFTER the fact. It's about including your partner in things even if ya'll had hit a rough patch. I have met up with my ex's before and their girlfriends or fiancé's and I'm perfectly fine with that. It's when you meet them alone that it's a problem. Either A: He doesn't want his wife to know because he has cheated on her before and he didn't want a big fight. or B: He was expecting you two to take things in other directions more than just friends. But, that's just what I see from the outside. Besides--Marriage is all about including your wife or hubby in every aspect of your life including your friendships. Just my opinion.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 431 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions