How would you feel? :(
amaryllis135
Posts: 17
I don't post a lot but I can't get this out of my head. I kind of go through these phases where I binge and gain like crazy, then I hit a point where I can't stand it and I get it off. At the end of aug/early september I was down to 169 and was looking really good. My boyfried who I'm absolutely crazy about has always loved my body. So recently I've gone off the deep end and absolutely disgusted with myself, and when I got weighed yesterday I weigh 199 pounds. That was all the motivation I needed despite having no clothes that fit etc. So today was going to be the day. Last night he asked if he could bring something up without hurting my feelings and I said of course. He brought up my weight. He said he doesn't love me any less but he misses how I used to take care of my body and I've let myself go. He even mentioned not meaning he wants a "trophy wife" but misses the old me. At first I understood and appreciated his honesty, and he even apologized profusely last night and this morning. I told him I am doing this but he needs to understand it is not for him it is for me. But all day today I've been feeling more and more depressed about it. I'm so dejected I just don't even want to try now. Any advice?
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Replies
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he told you something you already knew, so what's all the emo'ing about?
just start to do what you know you need to do.0 -
He did it exactly right. Good for him. You should be happy you have a good man that told you what you needed to hear in a careful and sensitive way. Lesser men would just dump you or cheat. He obviously loves you very much to stick by you- so now its your turn to give back and make him proud by getting your groove back. good luck0
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He sounds like he did it quite tactfully and tried to be as considerate of your feeling as possible. Why not use that an enlist him to help you out? I know I am more likely to exercise etc if my other half is along with me.
You'd already come to the same conclusion, it just hurts to have it confirmed. I know it hurts, and I do get why you feel down about it, but you can turn this into a positive. So many people post about their unsupportive partners, and how they struggle to do it alone. He sounds like he is offering support, so use it!
It sounds like you guys have a good relationship. That will be one of the biggest tools in your arsenal.0 -
Thank you ladies. Thanks for putting it in perspective...I'm so down on myself I didnt want to unfairly take it out on him.0
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If you don't want him I'd take him. He handled that well.0
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I don't post a lot but I can't get this out of my head. But all day today I've been feeling more and more depressed about it. I'm so dejected I just don't even want to try now. Any advice?
Turn that dejected feeling 180 degrees, lady - you are lucky enough to have a man who is sensitive to your mood and obviously picked up on the fact you have not been feeling great about yourself lately. As you say, he has always loved your body and by the sounds of it, he will be very supportive of whatever will make you happier.
It is great to be so in synch with someone.0 -
You want to lose the weight already. All he has told you is that he is in your corner and wants to be your biggest cheerleader! He wants you happy wih you again and was willing to bring up a dangerous topic to let you know he is there for you! He approached you with loving intent don't let it turn into anything other than that.0
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He is very supportive... I'm just super-sensitive at the moment I think. Your comments helped so much
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I think he handled that well. I sincerely believe that (based on your story) he's more concerned about YOU really, the happier you, and "I take care of myself" attitude...than the way you look.0
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Sounds like you're mad at yourself, not him.
Get control of your habits and move on. He loves you.0 -
Look at it this way - imagine that you'd had a hot day and you thought to yourself "wow, my pits are a bit smelly - I'd better get in the shower fast!". Then, before you get there, your BF tactfully tells you "honey, you could do with a shower!", would you get pissed with him and deliberately stay stinky? Of course, you wouldn't...0
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If you don't want him I'd take him. He handled that well.
QFT
Hold on to that guy OP, sounds like he really cares for you. You know what you need to do, what are you waiting for? 30 more lb. gain? Get at it!0 -
I think he said it the right way, I would appreciate my bf saying that to me if it was true. Just use it as motivation to work it off0
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i'm sorry but physical attraction is a big part of every relationship, and he fell in love with a smaller you, and also a you who cared about yourself, he didn't say he wanted you to look better, he said you've "let yourself go" which means the way you're acting about food and exercise and your life. He's saying he still loves you and he's just trying to help you, because everyone will be happier if you are thinner and/or in better shape. 30 pounds is a lot and obviously it effects him because he has to stay attracted to you in all ways, and if your weight is making you less physically attractive that's an issue, not a huge one, but still an issue, but it seems like the bigger issue is that you're not who you were, you are acting differnetly and kind of giving up on it which he doesn't like.
Yes it sucks, but you knew it was a problem and I think he's just trying to help you and keep you guys both being the best you's you can be, healthy and happy, not skinny or trophy-like. Take it as motivation.0 -
Thank you ladies. Thanks for putting it in perspective...I'm so down on myself I didnt want to unfairly take it out on him.
I agree. He sounds pretty great and he still wants you, so you must be pretty great too.
As for how I would feel, I would feel embarrassed , which might make me want to lash out at the one who made me feel that way. Very understandable but not warranted, since that was far from the intent.0 -
Could it be that he was sensing your feelings and was trying to help motivate you? It does sound like he is echoing what you were feeling and he said it in a nice way, not a nasty "Lose weight or lose me" way. Hang in there and use this to help you KEEP going to your good place!0
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Ok my emo-fest is officially over. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I am mad at myself and I'm sure it shows and affects him as well. You guys are some smart, awesome folks.0
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You gained 30LBS in 3 months? He worries. He loves you. He's a keeper.0
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He's most probably saying it for your health too. He sounds like he tried to be tactful, I would be really proud of how stable your relationship must be for him to be honest 0
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I'd feel hurt for just a bit and then analyze it, realize that he's being supportive and helpful (the tact and the apologies show that). You've got a good one, and you'd already decided to do what was needed to get back to the "you" both of you like.
So take that depression and dejected feeling and turn it around by doing what you need to. Get off your butt and move (yes, battling depression for at least 26 years and but only diagnosed with it for the past 16 so I have experience on how exercise helps battle that feeling). Then tonight when you've accomplished what you set out to do, then you get to celebrate that accomplishment, however the two of you decide! (and I'm suggesting more exercise but of the "bedroom" variety
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He sounds like a keeper! This is probably going to sound archaic but I really don't care - it is okay to want to look good for your significant other! It's so great when we want to take care of our bodies for ourselves and because it would make us feel better. But I'll be the first to admit, I want to give my husband back the woman he married! I would encourage you to also add that your motivation instead of just saying it isn't for him at all. People are always talking about wanting to better themselves for their children. Why not for your significant other?0
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I'm sure he misses the confident girl who was full of energy and determined to be in control...I had a similar conversation with my BFF who has gained her weight back and it really "drags her down"...it's sad when we see those we love go back to bad habits when we have had glimpses of the person's truest potential...
I think it hurts having someone say it out loud. You know it's true but it's hard to hear...
He's a total keeper and you can do this!!!0 -
Yep well 30 pounds in about 4 months. That's a record for me. I can't say I would love it if he did the same....and I really love all the responses. Like a previous poster said, I think it was that it was embarassing and I didn't know what to do with that. I'm glad I heard him out and didnt get mad though. I know he fell for my confidence and my pride in my looks and I feel like a completely different person lately. So far so good today though, I think I've got this. I wish I had an elliptical though because 4 degrees is a bit too cold for walking.
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Oh, right, four months. Yes. And yes, assuming he's a tad taller, imagine if he gained even more than 30LBS in a short time. If my hubs did, I'd be so worried for him.Yep well 30 pounds in about 4 months. That's a record for me. I can't say I would love it if he did the same....and I really love all the responses. Like a previous poster said, I think it was that it was embarassing and I didn't know what to do with that. I'm glad I heard him out and didnt get mad though. I know he fell for my confidence and my pride in my looks and I feel like a completely different person lately. So far so good today though, I think I've got this. I wish I had an elliptical though because 4 degrees is a bit too cold for walking.0 -
He did it exactly right. Good for him. You should be happy you have a good man that told you what you needed to hear in a careful and sensitive way. Lesser men would just dump you or cheat. He obviously loves you very much to stick by you- so now its your turn to give back and make him proud by getting your groove back. good luck
I agree with this.
And the other posters who said about the same thing. He really does care for you, it sounds, and doesn't just want it for the looks. You were already going to start, so now you know he will support you in it, which is a big bonus (trust me, a lot of gals here complain that their SO is no support at all or tries to sabotage them!)
Yes, it does sting a little. But sometimes that happens. He did the best he could to not upset you, he cared about how you feel and wasn't trying to shame you into working on it. :flowerforyou:0 -
I think that he did this the absolute best possible way that he ever could. It's hard when a significant other lets themself go and you find yourself not as physically attracted to that person. I have been in his shoes before with a boyfriend whose weight ballooned out of control over the course of our relationship to the point where I just didn't want to be physical with him at all. I actually ended up falling out of love with him due to a number of things but I would be lying if I said that his "letting himself go" wasn't a contributing factor.
I think you should thank your lucky stars that he said something to you. Imagine how hard it must have been for him to bring that up. I understand that it is an extremely sensitive topic but I think it is extremely admirable that he said something to you about it. He obviously loves you and wants to fix it and make things work. Try not to be caught up in the hurt feelings... usually they hurt the most when something we feared was confirmed for us and we were forced to acknowledge it. Use this as fuel to motivate yourself to work hard and get where you want to be. Imagine how sexy you will feel knowing that you look fantastic again and that he will be more physically attracted to you. Focus on how this will make YOU feel... don't look at it as doing something just for him.
Hope this helps *hug* I know it's hard, as women we are taught to believe that our phyiscal attractiveness is the measure of our worth but you are the sum of a great many things and your weight doesn't define you xxx0 -
You have a good man. It's tough telling someone things you know they arn't going to want to hear. He feels bad about it because he apologized. He just told you something you already knew. He has some real courage doing that. Mad respect for him.0
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"Try not to be caught up in the hurt feelings... usually they hurt the most when something we feared was confirmed for us and we were forced to acknowledge it."
Nail on the head!
Thanks again to everybody who responded. I can't wait til he gets home to give him a huge hug and tell him I love him.
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I know how you feel, exactly, been there, and it was my husband who said something to me in the most caring way he knew, but it didn't matter, I knew I needed to do something, but hearing it from a loved one hurts, it does. I cried, and then discussed with him how I could make time to go to the gym, and he let me know that I could go whenever I needed to go and he would help with the kids, anything. So I started the very next day, and here I am, doing this for a healthier me, and am 3 lbs away from my 100 lb goal. You CAN do this, and just know how awesome it will be to have his support along the way. :flowerforyou:0
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Chele you are an inspiration! Congrats on your loss 0
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