I feel like the world is caving in...

Everyone has given me such an outpouring of support, I sincerely and deeply appreciate every single one of you taking the time out of your lives to listen and help Though I know the situation has not changed overnight, I am feeling so much better just having the support and friendship of my family on MFP.

First things first, about the depression. I do believe that he may be seriously depressed. He definitely shows all of the signs, especially the sleeping and the disinterest. I recognize them firsthand because when my first marriage was in the toilet, I went through it all myself and was put on meds for it. He already does take an antidepressant for having anxiety issues. Though he won't admit depression, I do believe that maybe he doesn't recognize it. And it would explain so much. Perhaps another in depth conversation is warranted on the topic with him or maybe with his doctor.

As far as counseling, yes, I do believe that is something that needs to happen. I said in a private message to someone that though I don't know what his reaction to my suggesting counseling would be, my biggest fear of it is in admitting that there is a real problem here with the marriage. Once you've started to go to counseling, you are a "troubled couple with problems." Now, don't think I am using this as an excuse to not do it. I will absolutely do it. It's just what is making me fear suggesting it to him. I don't really know what his reaction to it will be, but if he does love me the way he claims to, then I think he should be all for it. If he's not, well then I guess that would give me some insight as to his true feelings. I went through marital counseling with my first husband, and what I took away from that was very basic...if it's going to work, BOTH people have to want it to work. I don't feel that dragging him to counseling if he's unwilling would be very effective, but that's a bridge I will cross if I come to it. In the meantime, I will just have to be a big girl, be brave, and face my fears head on. It's scarier for things to remain the way they are.

For me, the scariest part of a marriage breaking up is not supporting the family on my own, though it was when my first marriage did. I know that I am strong enough and capable enough to do all of that. That's a lesson I already learned. The problem is, aside from my own personal heartbreak and my husband's, losing your children part of the time, and seeing the heartbreak in their eyes and hearts. My children from my first marriage still struggle with that all of these years later, and I think they will until they are grown. That's why it's worth making the effort and trying to keep a family together.

My husband isn't cruel or horrible. He's definitely unsupportive, and sometimes the things he says are very hurtful, but I don't think he's abusive. He presents some of the things he says in a joking way, the kind of joke that you know has the ring of truth in his mind on the other side. I think he has his own issues that he needs to deal with, but instead attacks my successes. I love him, but sometimes I just focus on the bad because I am hurt. It's so much easier to see everything that's wrong when we're hurting, and to focus on those things and let them define our world.

I had a lot of guilt and second guessing of myself after posting about all of this last night. I know these are conversations that I should be having with him, not others. But he's so quick to shrug off and dismiss (or totally ignore) my concerns when I address them. He'll make a joke out of it and change the subject. It makes me feel like he just doesn't care about my feelings.

As far as resources go, I have done quite a few of the things suggested already. We do pay for health insurance. It is horribly expensive, but a necessity with 5 kids and a hubby with health problems. We were on medical assistance previously when I was pregnant, but we no longer qualify. In PA, the income limit for a family of 7 is is $764 a month (gross), unless you are pregnant or have a life threatening illness that needs medical care. It's ridiculously low, but that's the reality. After my MA ran out, I unexpectedly had to have surgery this past April. That only contributed to our debt at $14000. After that we picked up the health insurance through my hubby's employer. It costs a third of his paycheck each week. But we do have it, and it does cover mental health with a $35 copay.

We do have a community action program here, which I had applied to previously and received assistance from. You can only receive crisis assistance from them once, and we already did last year when I lost my job before I had unemployment.

We do apply to and get benefits through LIHEAP.

We also do get food stamps, though the amount for a family of 7 is pretty low and we only get $139 a month. I am so thankful for that though. Every penny helps.

Since we've already filed for a bankruptcy, there isn't much a credit counseling agency can do. It will be a matter of us being able to juggle our utilities and rent and living expenses effectively. We can't move into a smaller home to save money. All of the bedrooms are doubled up already, and our bedroom houses the baby.

We do have an established budget, but the income just doesn't cover everything. We've cut every unnecessary thing out of the budget with the exception of internet and tv. That stuff may go next. I personally don't care too much about the tv, but I would really be hurting without the internet. It's my only lifeline to the world outside these 4 walls right now. But, when times are tough, you do what you have to.

I sincerely appreciate the offer of clothes, toys, a prepaid phone and those who have offered to send help. We will be okay though, and I will find a way through all of this. Though I stress so horribly about Christmas, there are far worse things in this world than not having the money for toys. I lost sight of that a bit when I was so wrapped up in this financial stuff. There are lessons to be taken from every situation, and perhaps focusing on the things that are truly important at the holidays is one I can learn, and one my kids can learn. You guys all taking so much of your own time and energy to help me has shown me that I am focusing on all of the wrong things. You all have helped me so much more than you even realize with your simple kindnesses. I am thankful from the bottom of my heart.

For those of you struggling with the same issues as me, I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers as well. We will all come through this as stronger people. Somebody cue Gloria Gaynor "I Will Survive." LOL I am sorry for your pains and struggles too.

I hope I have touched on everything that was said. There was so much wonderful advice and support, that I was getting a bit emotional, which tends to make me forgetful.

:::hearts to you all::::

Oh, and one more thing I meant to touch on. Someone had recommended to me about going back to school. I actually do have my bachelor's degree already. Doesn't do me much good, as I haven't been able to find work in my field in the 10 years since I graduated, but it does look pretty inside it's little folder, LOL. I did consider going to hair school. I always thought that would be a lot of fun, and it seems like there are always jobs available in this area for that. That would be a real challenge though, with working, 5 kids, and school. Who knows, though. Maybe!