Mom wants to keep smoking. What should I do?

Stick to your guns and don't buy them for her.

Seriously. That's the only way that she will stop. If you buy them for her then you're enabling her.

She's an adult and can do as she pleases. Don't enable the behavior in ways you have control. Don't supply the cigs. If she's staying with you, don't let her smoke on your property (not just in your house). Other than that, you have no say.

Think to yourself, is this argument really something you want to have with your 70ish mother with health problems?

A little background. My mom (70) let her health go for the past 2 years, despite getting progressively worse. A fall at home landed her in the hospital & in a skilled nursing facility - she's been away for nearly 2 months and should be released back home soon. During the time she was sick (and for years before that) she's let her house go as well. There have been things that have needed repaired and those things are being fixed.

My mom has always smoked and because of this the house was terribly dirty and stinky. The walls are so bad that cleaning just won't do it - they'll need repainted. I've done TONS of cleaning over the past weeks in preparation for her return home. Finally I've cut through the worst of the stains and stink and I'm happy about the "healthier" home she'll be returning to.

Here's my dilemma. Even though she's not smoked while she's been away, she wants to return to it when she gets home. She promises to no longer smoke in the house and she also promises to cut way back from her former pack+/day habit. She doesn't drive and I do her grocery shopping - I've told her that while I can't tell her what she can do, I won't enable that habit anymore...I simply won't buy them and if she wants to smoke that badly that she needs to figure out another way to get them.

Here's the rub, as a smoker, I "get it". I understand the 'comfort' of it and I don't want to be the 'bad guy' saying NO. I also fully understand that despite her best intentions to smoke outside and cut back, that the habit will go right back to where it was before too long. I might add here that she now has severe RA and her mobility isn't the greatest anymore, so I also worry about her dropping a cigarette and starting a fire.

I fear that this is going to be a long term battle and frankly, I'm just not up for it.

Any advice from anyone that's been in a similar situation?

She's 70 and in poor health already. She's adult. You can't make her quit - only she can do that. Leave her alone.

Let her live her life. Otherwise, you've just put her in jail and made yourself the prison guard.

She is an adult. You can encourage her not to smoke. But treating her like a child and "making" her stop will just ruin your relationship with her.

QFT

She is an adult. I'm gonna guess you are too. Think about how you would feel if someone made choices for you?

Let her live her life. Otherwise, you've just put her in jail and made yourself the prison guard.

I understand this, and it's not a position that I necessarily want to take. And for others that have made similar comments, I also understand that she'll quit when she wants to...much like weight loss.

Rather than insisting she quit, would it be wrong of me to simply refuse to be the one getting the cigarettes for her and accepting her smoking should she find another way to get them (though this is highly unlikely)?

It really is your decision. As a respiratory therapist who has counseled many people on quitting smoking, I can tell you that she will resent you if you put yourself in the position of regulating her decision to smoke. She may not want to quit at all. At 70 and with poor health, smoking may well be one of the few pleasures she has left. As long as she's agreed not to smoke in the house and do more damage there, it's not really your place to treat her like a child and put her in a position where she'd have to beg someone to get cigarettes for her if she can't. End-of-life decisions are never easy, but you as her child and loving family member need to let her make her own decisions about her health and what makes her happy. We all die, and if she feels she's lived a good life and is willing to continue to smoke and damage her health further, that's up to her. You, knowing that if you refuse to buy her cigarettes, no one else will, are still forcing her to quit if you don't buy them.

Let her live her life. Otherwise, you've just put her in jail and made yourself the prison guard.

I understand this, and it's not a position that I necessarily want to take. And for others that have made similar comments, I also understand that she'll quit when she wants to...much like weight loss.

Rather than insisting she quit, would it be wrong of me to simply refuse to be the one getting the cigarettes for her and accepting her smoking should she find another way to get them (though this is highly unlikely)?

But you would be reducing her to begging for them from someone else. Why would you want to stress her like that at the end of her life?

Of course, it is your decision.

You're not obligated to buy them. You're obligated to accept the consequences to the relationship should you make that choice.

The only person who can make your mother stop smoking is your mother.

I'm in a very similar situation with my mother. She made poor choices in her life, and she was unable to safely and adequately care for herself at the age of 55. She lived with my family for a couple of years before she went to live in an assisted living facility (where she has resided since). When living with me, just like you, I refused to enable her habit and buy cigarettes for her. I made this decision because not only did I not want her to smell up my house (she even smoked outside on the patio) or expose my children to second hand smoke, I just felt it wasn't safe because she kept burning herself and dropping cigarettes. I had her doctor prescribe a medication called Chantix to help her stop smoking, and IT WORKED very well. It was a gradual cessation on the medication, not cold turkey. It seemed as though there was little trying or wanting to quit, but the medication did most of the work. She was no longer a smoker when living in my house. She didn't necessarily like being a non-smoker, but her resentment toward me seemed minimal; however, she is not always mentally and emotionally coherent.

She moved into her assisted living facility as a non-smoker. I requested to the director that she not be permitted to smoke. There are a lot of smokers who live there because they don't have much else to do other than sit around and smoke, and I understand that. My mom started stealing cigarettes. The director started allowing my mom to purchase them, and I understand that the stealing left the director with few other choices. My mother's health has significantly worsened since she started smoking again, and I am very concerned. I have resigned myself that I really can't stop her at this point unless I move her into another facility, which that is not financially possible.

Would your mother be willing to try Chantix or similar to quit smoking? If not, you are going to have to accept this is the way she wants to live her life. I understand the moral dilemma of being the one who enables and purchases the cigarettes for her.

It also would add to your credibility in helping her with this if you quit along with her.

I can sense your deep concern for your mother, and I know you only mean well. I don't think this is such a black/white scenario. I think a compromise lies somewhere, and she has voiced that she is willing to compromise (although this could just be empty talk to just get you to shut up about it). But, as you know, smokers are a stubborn lot, and we can only do so much as children of older parents unless it is also our parent's will. I hope you find that compromise.