Not sure how to feel (LONG STORY)...

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lyricsmamma6469
lyricsmamma6469 Posts: 37 Member
in Motivation and Support
Recently my boyfriend's mom started going to the gym with us (on the weekends). She says she goes during the week at her work. His parents both had gastric bypass surgery in 2013. So now I will give a back story: I have struggled with my weight all of my teenage/adult life. Never once did I seriously look into having weight loss surgery and here's why: I'm the reason I gained weight so I should be the reason that I lose weight, if there ever is a time that I WANT to indulge, I want to be able to do it without getting dreadfully sick afterward (they call it dumping syndrome), I love my long hair and would like to keep my long hair (all women I know that have had the surgery have cut their hair short due to lack of vitamins causing it to fall out), I do not want to have to take vitamins for the rest of my life, and I can't nor do I want to have to pay for a bunch of surgeries to correct the loose skin left after all the drastic weight loss. I have 3 friends who have had the surgery and now I know his parents who have had it done.

Now to get to where I don't know how to feel or basically what to do with my feelings...I love his mom. She's a kind and funny woman. However...it drives me absolutely insane that when she comes to the gym with us, she parks in the handicapped spot even though she is perfectly capable of walking the extra ten feet to get into the gym!! I have NEVER been one to try to find the closest spot. In my head I always think "It won't kill me to walk." Every time she parks there...And every time I want to look at her and say "And you wondered why you got to be over 300 lbs?! Walk the extra ten feet for Christ's sake!"

Then the other day we stopped by his parents house to grab his nephew because we were going to babysit. His mom asked me how much weight I've lost and I said 40 lbs because when I started doing this again I was 294. She said you look amazing and great job, and then his dad says "I've lost ten lbs this week!" Again...I wanted to look at him and say "Yeah!!! Great!! How'd you do it? Oh yeah, you had part of your stomach removed!! I actually had to sweat my *kitten* off in a gym and show restraint when eating!! Congratulations on not having will power!

It's not jealousy...I have no idea what it is that makes me think these things or feel this way. I've been dealing with these types of issues for years, ever since my best friend had the surgery. Is there a way to be happy for these people and their weight loss when I'm actually working really hard and putting in a huge effort to lose mine?
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Replies

  • gmhaggie06
    gmhaggie06 Posts: 207
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    You are doing it ABSOLUTELY the right way, don't even think twice about it. Yeah his 10 pounds is great, and I'm sure he'll love seeing that ten pounds in another two years or so after the benefits of gastric bypass start to taper off, and he's stretched his stomach back to original shape because he's never fixed the problem.

    You're fixing the problem, the problem isn't the size of our stomach's; it's our unhealthy relationship with food. We eat because we're depressed, or we're upset, or we feel bad about ourselves, NOT because our stomach's are too large and need to be artificially cut down.

    I know I'll take some flack for this, but I don't feel like people with gastric bypass who lose large amounts of weight have achieved anywhere near of an accomplishment as you or me or anyone else losing weight the right way. It'd be the same way as if you locked me in a room and fed me only 1800 calories a day, and after a year I came out trumpeting how I'd managed to lose so much weight. When you have no other choice, it's not hard to make the "right choice"

    Keep your head up, you're doing great!!
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
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    :frown:

    I also hear/see stories about people who have weight loss surgery and are too lazy to do show any control over what they're eating and how much they move (those who are physically able), and they make me roll my eyes a bit. Well, a lot lol. It really is the easy way out for those people who are capable of losing it on their own (doesn't include people with serious medical issues).

    I find it best to just mind my own business. Who knows what's going to happen in the long run. Too many people have that surgery and don't change their eating habits or cause of the overeating, (mental issues, etc.) and just end up in worse shape than before. Just wish them the best and try not to resent them too much.
  • Papillon22
    Papillon22 Posts: 1,160 Member
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    While I don't know much about weight loss surgery, I do know that it is not as easy as it sounds once you have it done.
    I think you should try to shift the focus of your attention: yes, you work really hard at it, and guess what? Your body will be equally as healthy for it. Even if what you're doing doesn't translate into rapid weight loss, I'm sure your heart and lungs are healthier and so is the rest of your body, which isn't starving for vitamins/etc. Keep up the good work!
  • TheCredibleHuIk
    TheCredibleHuIk Posts: 26 Member
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    Stop being concerned with what other people do/have done.
  • amandarunning
    amandarunning Posts: 306 Member
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    Don't sweat it and focus on your journey and your health and fitness. I'm sure surgery isn't that easy a cop out so live and let live.

    Parking in the disabled though - I'd have a word and suggest it's inappropriate as the space is reserved for those less mobile.
  • Yanicka1
    Yanicka1 Posts: 4,564 Member
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    I understand your irritation, I swear I do but stop giving that much energy to something / someone that make no difference in your life. Time to let it go....they are doing the best they can do for their own life and their own circumstances.

    Be happy for others people even if it is not the choice you would make for yourself.

    It is not worth the energy.

    Good luck
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    wow, why so much rage towards these people?
  • Barbonica
    Barbonica Posts: 337 Member
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    Don't judge others. Your BF parents may have pains and issues you are not aware of. Perfectly able to walk another 10 feet? Maybe. Maybe she has knee pain, or ankle pain that you don't know about. Congratulations on your weight loss - you are totally rocking it and should be proud. But, his parents are older than you, have been fighting this longer than you, and made a very difficult decision. You might think this was an easy decision and a short cut, but you don't know how long they thought about it, the discussions they had with their doctors and other healthcare providers prior to making the decision, not to the mention the cost (even if covered by insurance, time off from work and associated costs). Be proud of what you are accomplishing, but don't judge others because they didn't follow your path - who are you to decide what is best for them?
  • bornofthorns
    bornofthorns Posts: 143 Member
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    I agree with you that often (not always) putting in the long-term work is best. Maybe if someone is 500 lbs, the surgery is a necessary jump start. Regardless, I think most doctors would also encourage their surgery patients to start to take the steps to have a better relationship with food, fitness and general health. If those don't occur, in the long run it won't really matter, whether that is due to clogged arteries or putting the weight back on.

    That being said, I would not let what they do bother you. TBH, I do think you are a little jealous and that is ok. If someone started working at a job at the same time I did, did 70% of the work I did, and I got a raise sooner than me, I would be a bit jealous, also. It is the same idea here. However, whenever I have similar feelings to you, I just think of the story that I am able to tell others who are inspired by me, and I think it becomes worth it :wink:

    Keep up the good work and continue to inspire his parents to not just lose weight, but make healthy life choices!
  • milindab1
    milindab1 Posts: 2
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    Here's a thought: while those who have surgery are dropping fat, YOU ARE GAINING MUSCLE! Whenever you hear those statements announced, just secretly think "This week I have gained muscle, and HEALTH.'

    Keep at it! Small improvements over the course of time add up big in the long run. And with greater satisfaction :)
  • Rosannajo88
    Rosannajo88 Posts: 212 Member
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    Just stop focusing on them and concentrate on your journey. They will have their own battles and so will you.

    Look at it from their point of view, I bet they probably feel a slightly ashamed that you are doing this all yourself and so may unwittingly undermine any losses you have.

    Your family, just support each other. Once you let go of the negative thinking you will feel much better x
  • Barbonica
    Barbonica Posts: 337 Member
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    Parking in the disabled though - I'd have a word and suggest it's inappropriate as the space is reserved for those less mobile.

    Not all disabilities are visible - there are many health problems (respiratory or cardiac, for example) that do look like there is an issue, but can cause problems with walking too far. If she has a disability parking sticker, she probably needs it. If she is parking illegally, I completely agree!
  • losing4goodnow
    losing4goodnow Posts: 18 Member
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    I can feel your frustration jumping off the page! I can't speak for you but for me, I know it can be frustrating to watch someone take an "easier" way out when you're busting your hump to do it the good old fashion way. But, it's truly not for us to ask. Everyone has their own journey to get to their version of healthy. It would be much better for them to have the surgery, even with the potential complications, then continue to jeopardize their lives by remaining so overweight & succumbing to death by a massive heart attack, congestive heart failure, diabetes, etc. It doesn't make it fair but it's one way to look at it. As to how to fight the feelings, I'm not sure what to tell you other than try your best to know you're doing what is best for you & they did what they felt was best for them (even if you disagree) and just try to be supportive as best you can.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    When you find yourself thinking something critical, and there's not a point to speaking up, try thinking of something compassionate. You'll feel better, even if nothing else changes. ("This man went through a major surgery to help him do this. He's got to be thrilled that he is losing weight." "Boyfriend's mom is parking in the disabled parking space. I can't wait for the day when she doesn't need to do that anymore or realizes that she doesn't need to do that anymore.")
  • ktsmom430
    ktsmom430 Posts: 1,100 Member
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    However you decide to do it, you have to realize that the most important thing is to CHANGE your eating habits. If you don't, chances are, and statistics back this up, you will gain it all back, and sometimes even more.

    I agree, parking in the handicap spots should not be an option.

    We don't all have the will power to accomplish it on our own. I did it without use of any drugs or surgery, as have countless others here, using just MFP and honest logging. You are doing it this way too, and kudos to you as well! For some people, surgery is the only way.

    I would suggest that you continue to do it as you are and try to be patient with your BF parents way.
  • Freyja2023
    Freyja2023 Posts: 158 Member
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    At the end of the day you need to think not my life, not my problem and then move on. I don't know much about weight loss surgery. Other then watching the show my 600lb life I have never seen or had any experience with anyone that has had the surgery. I do know that everyone has to reach their own goals in their own way. I lost nearly 100 pounds and I did it all natural through diet and exercise. I allow myself that sense of pride and accomplishment with no regrets. In my family it was all about fad diets and diet pills. If they managed to lose the weight that way I left it alone and felt happy for them. When they failed at the fad or pill I just showed some sympathy and kept right on doing what I was doing. If they opted for the surgery just be happy for them, it is their life, their choice and you can't do anything about it so there is no sense in feeling resentful at them in the long run it will just fill your head with unnecessary crap that will slow you down . Just know that you are walking your journey in the way you want and take pride in every single accomplishment you achieve. You don't need to compete or compare with anyone.
  • joesimtre
    joesimtre Posts: 48 Member
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    Everyone's map to get there is a little different. Embrace what you are doing. Sounds like you are doing it the way YOU want too. Some people need a roadmap full of shortcuts to get there. It's okay if that's the case. The main thing is that everyone is healthier and happier in the end. I like to sweat it out, but that doesn't mean that everyone shares that mentality. It might take you longer to get there, but when you get there, you will feel great about your journey. Simply because your work got you there. Everything is better when you earn it.
  • brcossette
    brcossette Posts: 89 Member
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    Yours is a very interesting situation in that these are close relatives of yours. I'm not an expert but in my opinion you need to try to look at this through there eyes and instead of resenting them for doing it the easy way encourage them to start doing it the right way. We all have a tendency to look at this as some kind of competition but it's really all about self improvement.. It wouldn't hurt to pray for them either.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    You're doing it the slower, healthy way. So good for you. I'm not at all a supporter of bariatric surgery, but it sounds a lot like you're looking down on people who have had it. Celebrate their successes with them. Be happy that even if it's not the road you'd have taken, they're making a change to try and be healthier. Of course they're excited about dropping weight so quickly. It's a benefit, and before surgery, they probably hadn't seen a pound drop off in years.

    As for people who park in handicapped spots when they're perfectly capable of walking into the gym and working out...well, that is kind of annoying. But you're not going to get a ticket over it, so just ignore it.
  • lyricsmamma6469
    lyricsmamma6469 Posts: 37 Member
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    Not rage...irritation. She had the surgery - - now weighs 169 lbs and is still using her handicap parking plackard. She is perfectly mobile. My best friend who had the surgery is constantly saying how "fat" she is (even though she weighs like 150 somethin), and says things like if she wore a size 24 again she'd kill herself (knowing that I wore that size a few months ago). The surgery doesn't fix the issues and it irritates me when my weight loss is overshadowed by theirs because they're losing ten lbs a week compared to my 2 lbs a week. It being my boyfriend's family makes it harder because I feel like I can't talk to him about without making him angry.

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