Not sure how to feel (LONG STORY)...
lyricsmamma6469
Posts: 37 Member
Recently my boyfriend's mom started going to the gym with us (on the weekends). She says she goes during the week at her work. His parents both had gastric bypass surgery in 2013. So now I will give a back story: I have struggled with my weight all of my teenage/adult life. Never once did I seriously look into having weight loss surgery and here's why: I'm the reason I gained weight so I should be the reason that I lose weight, if there ever is a time that I WANT to indulge, I want to be able to do it without getting dreadfully sick afterward (they call it dumping syndrome), I love my long hair and would like to keep my long hair (all women I know that have had the surgery have cut their hair short due to lack of vitamins causing it to fall out), I do not want to have to take vitamins for the rest of my life, and I can't nor do I want to have to pay for a bunch of surgeries to correct the loose skin left after all the drastic weight loss. I have 3 friends who have had the surgery and now I know his parents who have had it done.
Now to get to where I don't know how to feel or basically what to do with my feelings...I love his mom. She's a kind and funny woman. However...it drives me absolutely insane that when she comes to the gym with us, she parks in the handicapped spot even though she is perfectly capable of walking the extra ten feet to get into the gym!! I have NEVER been one to try to find the closest spot. In my head I always think "It won't kill me to walk." Every time she parks there...And every time I want to look at her and say "And you wondered why you got to be over 300 lbs?! Walk the extra ten feet for Christ's sake!"
Then the other day we stopped by his parents house to grab his nephew because we were going to babysit. His mom asked me how much weight I've lost and I said 40 lbs because when I started doing this again I was 294. She said you look amazing and great job, and then his dad says "I've lost ten lbs this week!" Again...I wanted to look at him and say "Yeah!!! Great!! How'd you do it? Oh yeah, you had part of your stomach removed!! I actually had to sweat my *kitten* off in a gym and show restraint when eating!! Congratulations on not having will power!
It's not jealousy...I have no idea what it is that makes me think these things or feel this way. I've been dealing with these types of issues for years, ever since my best friend had the surgery. Is there a way to be happy for these people and their weight loss when I'm actually working really hard and putting in a huge effort to lose mine?
Now to get to where I don't know how to feel or basically what to do with my feelings...I love his mom. She's a kind and funny woman. However...it drives me absolutely insane that when she comes to the gym with us, she parks in the handicapped spot even though she is perfectly capable of walking the extra ten feet to get into the gym!! I have NEVER been one to try to find the closest spot. In my head I always think "It won't kill me to walk." Every time she parks there...And every time I want to look at her and say "And you wondered why you got to be over 300 lbs?! Walk the extra ten feet for Christ's sake!"
Then the other day we stopped by his parents house to grab his nephew because we were going to babysit. His mom asked me how much weight I've lost and I said 40 lbs because when I started doing this again I was 294. She said you look amazing and great job, and then his dad says "I've lost ten lbs this week!" Again...I wanted to look at him and say "Yeah!!! Great!! How'd you do it? Oh yeah, you had part of your stomach removed!! I actually had to sweat my *kitten* off in a gym and show restraint when eating!! Congratulations on not having will power!
It's not jealousy...I have no idea what it is that makes me think these things or feel this way. I've been dealing with these types of issues for years, ever since my best friend had the surgery. Is there a way to be happy for these people and their weight loss when I'm actually working really hard and putting in a huge effort to lose mine?
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Replies
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You are doing it ABSOLUTELY the right way, don't even think twice about it. Yeah his 10 pounds is great, and I'm sure he'll love seeing that ten pounds in another two years or so after the benefits of gastric bypass start to taper off, and he's stretched his stomach back to original shape because he's never fixed the problem.
You're fixing the problem, the problem isn't the size of our stomach's; it's our unhealthy relationship with food. We eat because we're depressed, or we're upset, or we feel bad about ourselves, NOT because our stomach's are too large and need to be artificially cut down.
I know I'll take some flack for this, but I don't feel like people with gastric bypass who lose large amounts of weight have achieved anywhere near of an accomplishment as you or me or anyone else losing weight the right way. It'd be the same way as if you locked me in a room and fed me only 1800 calories a day, and after a year I came out trumpeting how I'd managed to lose so much weight. When you have no other choice, it's not hard to make the "right choice"
Keep your head up, you're doing great!!0 -
:frown:
I also hear/see stories about people who have weight loss surgery and are too lazy to do show any control over what they're eating and how much they move (those who are physically able), and they make me roll my eyes a bit. Well, a lot lol. It really is the easy way out for those people who are capable of losing it on their own (doesn't include people with serious medical issues).
I find it best to just mind my own business. Who knows what's going to happen in the long run. Too many people have that surgery and don't change their eating habits or cause of the overeating, (mental issues, etc.) and just end up in worse shape than before. Just wish them the best and try not to resent them too much.0 -
While I don't know much about weight loss surgery, I do know that it is not as easy as it sounds once you have it done.
I think you should try to shift the focus of your attention: yes, you work really hard at it, and guess what? Your body will be equally as healthy for it. Even if what you're doing doesn't translate into rapid weight loss, I'm sure your heart and lungs are healthier and so is the rest of your body, which isn't starving for vitamins/etc. Keep up the good work!0 -
Stop being concerned with what other people do/have done.0
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Don't sweat it and focus on your journey and your health and fitness. I'm sure surgery isn't that easy a cop out so live and let live.
Parking in the disabled though - I'd have a word and suggest it's inappropriate as the space is reserved for those less mobile.0 -
I understand your irritation, I swear I do but stop giving that much energy to something / someone that make no difference in your life. Time to let it go....they are doing the best they can do for their own life and their own circumstances.
Be happy for others people even if it is not the choice you would make for yourself.
It is not worth the energy.
Good luck0 -
wow, why so much rage towards these people?0
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Don't judge others. Your BF parents may have pains and issues you are not aware of. Perfectly able to walk another 10 feet? Maybe. Maybe she has knee pain, or ankle pain that you don't know about. Congratulations on your weight loss - you are totally rocking it and should be proud. But, his parents are older than you, have been fighting this longer than you, and made a very difficult decision. You might think this was an easy decision and a short cut, but you don't know how long they thought about it, the discussions they had with their doctors and other healthcare providers prior to making the decision, not to the mention the cost (even if covered by insurance, time off from work and associated costs). Be proud of what you are accomplishing, but don't judge others because they didn't follow your path - who are you to decide what is best for them?0
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I agree with you that often (not always) putting in the long-term work is best. Maybe if someone is 500 lbs, the surgery is a necessary jump start. Regardless, I think most doctors would also encourage their surgery patients to start to take the steps to have a better relationship with food, fitness and general health. If those don't occur, in the long run it won't really matter, whether that is due to clogged arteries or putting the weight back on.
That being said, I would not let what they do bother you. TBH, I do think you are a little jealous and that is ok. If someone started working at a job at the same time I did, did 70% of the work I did, and I got a raise sooner than me, I would be a bit jealous, also. It is the same idea here. However, whenever I have similar feelings to you, I just think of the story that I am able to tell others who are inspired by me, and I think it becomes worth it
Keep up the good work and continue to inspire his parents to not just lose weight, but make healthy life choices!0 -
Here's a thought: while those who have surgery are dropping fat, YOU ARE GAINING MUSCLE! Whenever you hear those statements announced, just secretly think "This week I have gained muscle, and HEALTH.'
Keep at it! Small improvements over the course of time add up big in the long run. And with greater satisfaction
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Just stop focusing on them and concentrate on your journey. They will have their own battles and so will you.
Look at it from their point of view, I bet they probably feel a slightly ashamed that you are doing this all yourself and so may unwittingly undermine any losses you have.
Your family, just support each other. Once you let go of the negative thinking you will feel much better x0 -
Parking in the disabled though - I'd have a word and suggest it's inappropriate as the space is reserved for those less mobile.
Not all disabilities are visible - there are many health problems (respiratory or cardiac, for example) that do look like there is an issue, but can cause problems with walking too far. If she has a disability parking sticker, she probably needs it. If she is parking illegally, I completely agree!0 -
I can feel your frustration jumping off the page! I can't speak for you but for me, I know it can be frustrating to watch someone take an "easier" way out when you're busting your hump to do it the good old fashion way. But, it's truly not for us to ask. Everyone has their own journey to get to their version of healthy. It would be much better for them to have the surgery, even with the potential complications, then continue to jeopardize their lives by remaining so overweight & succumbing to death by a massive heart attack, congestive heart failure, diabetes, etc. It doesn't make it fair but it's one way to look at it. As to how to fight the feelings, I'm not sure what to tell you other than try your best to know you're doing what is best for you & they did what they felt was best for them (even if you disagree) and just try to be supportive as best you can.0
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When you find yourself thinking something critical, and there's not a point to speaking up, try thinking of something compassionate. You'll feel better, even if nothing else changes. ("This man went through a major surgery to help him do this. He's got to be thrilled that he is losing weight." "Boyfriend's mom is parking in the disabled parking space. I can't wait for the day when she doesn't need to do that anymore or realizes that she doesn't need to do that anymore.")0
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However you decide to do it, you have to realize that the most important thing is to CHANGE your eating habits. If you don't, chances are, and statistics back this up, you will gain it all back, and sometimes even more.
I agree, parking in the handicap spots should not be an option.
We don't all have the will power to accomplish it on our own. I did it without use of any drugs or surgery, as have countless others here, using just MFP and honest logging. You are doing it this way too, and kudos to you as well! For some people, surgery is the only way.
I would suggest that you continue to do it as you are and try to be patient with your BF parents way.0 -
At the end of the day you need to think not my life, not my problem and then move on. I don't know much about weight loss surgery. Other then watching the show my 600lb life I have never seen or had any experience with anyone that has had the surgery. I do know that everyone has to reach their own goals in their own way. I lost nearly 100 pounds and I did it all natural through diet and exercise. I allow myself that sense of pride and accomplishment with no regrets. In my family it was all about fad diets and diet pills. If they managed to lose the weight that way I left it alone and felt happy for them. When they failed at the fad or pill I just showed some sympathy and kept right on doing what I was doing. If they opted for the surgery just be happy for them, it is their life, their choice and you can't do anything about it so there is no sense in feeling resentful at them in the long run it will just fill your head with unnecessary crap that will slow you down . Just know that you are walking your journey in the way you want and take pride in every single accomplishment you achieve. You don't need to compete or compare with anyone.0
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Everyone's map to get there is a little different. Embrace what you are doing. Sounds like you are doing it the way YOU want too. Some people need a roadmap full of shortcuts to get there. It's okay if that's the case. The main thing is that everyone is healthier and happier in the end. I like to sweat it out, but that doesn't mean that everyone shares that mentality. It might take you longer to get there, but when you get there, you will feel great about your journey. Simply because your work got you there. Everything is better when you earn it.0
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Yours is a very interesting situation in that these are close relatives of yours. I'm not an expert but in my opinion you need to try to look at this through there eyes and instead of resenting them for doing it the easy way encourage them to start doing it the right way. We all have a tendency to look at this as some kind of competition but it's really all about self improvement.. It wouldn't hurt to pray for them either.0
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You're doing it the slower, healthy way. So good for you. I'm not at all a supporter of bariatric surgery, but it sounds a lot like you're looking down on people who have had it. Celebrate their successes with them. Be happy that even if it's not the road you'd have taken, they're making a change to try and be healthier. Of course they're excited about dropping weight so quickly. It's a benefit, and before surgery, they probably hadn't seen a pound drop off in years.
As for people who park in handicapped spots when they're perfectly capable of walking into the gym and working out...well, that is kind of annoying. But you're not going to get a ticket over it, so just ignore it.0 -
Not rage...irritation. She had the surgery - - now weighs 169 lbs and is still using her handicap parking plackard. She is perfectly mobile. My best friend who had the surgery is constantly saying how "fat" she is (even though she weighs like 150 somethin), and says things like if she wore a size 24 again she'd kill herself (knowing that I wore that size a few months ago). The surgery doesn't fix the issues and it irritates me when my weight loss is overshadowed by theirs because they're losing ten lbs a week compared to my 2 lbs a week. It being my boyfriend's family makes it harder because I feel like I can't talk to him about without making him angry.0
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Your Journey is your Journey, theirs is theirs. THey might have done what they have done to maybe save their lives and you are doing what you need to do to save yours. I believe it is harder to change your lifestyle by not being forced to. If you get surgery then you are forced into it. You cant eat the way you like in the past. I had a friend who was forced to have bypass surgery to save his life, he lost tons of weight and it sagged to the floor. He also developed horrible eating habits. Never did he eat anything but small amounts of candy and junk food. He would come to lunch and push his food around and we would all be concerned . Last October he passed away his heart could not hold out. I had to empty his desk at work, it was filled with bags and bags of candy . It just broke my heart i wished he was here to see the damage he did. He has left behind 6 children and 20 grandchildren.
I just believe so many people who get bypass surgery do not change their diets to their new lifestyle. You are doing the right thing and know that in your heart.0 -
I understand your irritation, I swear I do but stop giving that much energy to something / someone that make no difference in your life. Time to let it go....they are doing the best they can do for their own life and their own circumstances.
Be happy for others people even if it is not the choice you would make for yourself.
It is not worth the energy.
Good luck
This, this time a million.
One thing I have learned in life is that if I allow what other people do and say to effect my life, its my fault, period. In laws are always going to say and do things that get on our nerves, best thing we can do is pick our battles and figure out which ones are worth fighting and which ones are worth a hard eye roll.
It will get easier as you get older, but one thing you can ask yourself now is, "what do I get out of holding onto these feelings that I do"? Cause you are getting something out of it, trust me, or else you would not let such trivial matters get you so upset that you bring them to a public internet forum.0 -
Also feel like a ***** and horrible person when I think these things and wanted to vent. lol Sorry!0
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You absolutely are jealous, and you need to face that. Don't ever think weight loss surgery is easy or that a person who has the surgery has no will power. After surgery, you still have to control what you eat, and that does take will power. I have a LapBand, and it's rough. I still have lots of trouble losing weight, mostly because I still have to control what goes in my mouth. When I get stressed, I eat. Weight loss surgery doesn't change that. It's a constant struggle. If you love these people, realize that they've had to deal with being fat for a long time, and they're probably finally happy to be free of that overwhelming anchor around their necks. Try to be happy for them.0
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Stop being concerned with what other people do/have done.
On reading this post, this is what I thought too! People have to lose the weight in their on way......Even if I weighed so much as to necessitate gastric bypass surgery, I think I'd be too scared to have it! Just be happy that you are losing in your chosen way... and try not to judge others too harshly.0 -
It sounds like you have a lot of anger, and it is going to be up to you to figure out how to deal with it. Taking it out on others (whether you come right out and say it or whether you just yell at them in your head) is not going to help you or them.
Is this the only area in your life where you feel like this, or do you feel anger in other areas of your life, and have no way to deal with it? It might help to talk to someone about it, either a counsellor or even a close, trusted friend.
In the meantime, try to practice re-training your brain not to dwell on the negative thoughts. And remember that you are not in their skin, you don't know everything they are feeling/experiencing, either. You probably wouldn't like it if someone was observing you and wondering why you didn't stand instead of sit, or take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. etc. Try not to worry so much about what they are or are not doing, and focus on your own goals.0 -
All I can say is that it helps YOUR mindset/emotions when you generate positive thoughts about others. Negative thoughts tend to bring people down. So, if you think about the benefit to YOU of being positive, that might help.
As for your BF's parents, remember that its their life and their choices. Be happy for them that they are trying, even if they aren't trying in the manner you chose (the healthier way). There is no benefit to you for having these negative thoughts. Next time your BF's dad says "I lost 10 pounds", tell him "that's great. keep working hard." (even knowing that, perhaps, he's not working all that hard). As for your BF's mom, think "I'm happy that she's going to the gym" rather than "eh, she's afraid to walk an extra 10 feet in the parking lot." They choose how they want to try to get healthier. While I'm not a supporter of the various surgeries (and, yes, there are significant drawbacks as you pointed out), I know its not my choice. I'm not going to waste my time begrudging those folks who made their own choice. Side note...my cousin had one of the surgeries. He didn't lose as much as he should have, and has since gained some of the weight back because he's not putting in the work and eating right afterwards. Instead of begrudging his decision and subsequent bad choices, I'm there trying to encourage him to make better choices.
In short being a Debbie Downer only hurts you. Why are you letting someone else's choices....choices that do not directly affect you....bring you down?0 -
it irritates me when my weight loss is overshadowed by theirs because they're losing ten lbs a week compared to my 2 lbs a week.
There's nothing about this situation that you can control to change but the way you look at it. 2 lbs a week is fabulous, and at the end of the day, you're doing this for yourself. Stop comparing your results to their results because their circumstances are very different. I suspect you're feeling down on yourself or guilty or ashamed, or some other similar feeling, in the way that people that watch the Biggest Loser do. If you're not living at a resort with limited food options and tons of exercise equipment and motivators, don't expect yourself to lose what the people on tv lose. If you still have a fully functioning stomach, don't expect to lose what they do.
Take pride in what you do and be kind to yourself; you'll find yourself less irritated by the ways of others.
Without knowing her reasons, it's impossible to know why his mom parks in that spot, but people can take a very long time to change something that's habitual, whether that's a behavior or a way of seeing themselves. My guess is that someone who needed the surgery may not be as confident in her weight loss abilities as she may appear.0 -
Not rage...irritation. She had the surgery - - now weighs 169 lbs and is still using her handicap parking plackard. She is perfectly mobile. My best friend who had the surgery is constantly saying how "fat" she is (even though she weighs like 150 somethin), and says things like if she wore a size 24 again she'd kill herself (knowing that I wore that size a few months ago). The surgery doesn't fix the issues and it irritates me when my weight loss is overshadowed by theirs because they're losing ten lbs a week compared to my 2 lbs a week. It being my boyfriend's family makes it harder because I feel like I can't talk to him about without making him angry.
yes, be mad that she uses a handicap parkign space when she doesn tneed one... thats fine, i would feel the same...
but i think the actual reason you're mad is that no one is patting you on the head and saying well done for your weight loss... but you know what? if you're doing it just to get the attention, you're doing it all wrong!
you should be proud of your achievements, and how hard you work... anyone else, doesnt matter....0 -
Just go on with your own loss at your own rate.0
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