Eating Disorder or just crazy...?
EmilyAFraser1
Posts: 31 Member
I'm not too sure why I'm posting this but I feel I need to put it out there and see what others have to say about it.
I think I may have some kind of eating disorder, but I'm finding it hard to categorise:
I'm 5"7" and over the past year I went from 136lbs in February to 110lbs in June. I went on several holidays over the summer and fluctuated but would always re-lose the weight after I got back from holiday. At my lowest I was 108lbs before a 3-week vacation to france with my family. I can't remember exactly but I think I went up to 117 after the holiday and due to poor tracking I don't remember exactly how much time it took to lose again but I stated a post-holiday diet at the very end of August and by the end of October I was 106lbs.
Now, I am a very conscientious logger and I track everything - if anyone wishes to look back over my diary it's all there and open to the public and it's definitely honest, I eat exactly what I log - in fact I plan it the day (or week before so I can do a grocery shop) and never skip something on the day - I love food too much!
So, all whilst eating up to 1600 calories a day (I know it's still a cut, but I also don't exercise and I was still sort of trying to lose weight) I went down to 100.4lbs at my lowest around 15th Dec last year.
Here is where I bring my concerns. I know I wasn't fat, in fact I was very tjhin and people commented, but I liked it. I wasn't ACTIVELY trying to lose weight, but seeing another lb go was great for me. I will also mention that over the period of November and December I went to parties/events/Xmas do's almost weekly (if not twice weekly) so there will be unlogged daus, but I would always follow up a slurge day (and they were splurges, not binges, but definitely having a good time!) with a couple of low-cal days and then go back up to my 1600cal daily intake.
So I gave myself Xmas off (which turned into the period 22nd Dec - 14th Jan!) and I'm up to 114lbs now. I know this is a healthy weight, I'm not fat - although I can see lots of fat that wasn't there before! But I am fighting the two sides of me - the one that says - "get back to 105lbs, you were happy there and not losing the weight after a gain like this is how the weight creeps on and you're overweight again" and the other half of me that says "you're fine...just enjoy yourself, don't go crazy but stop with this dieting" the problem is I liked being 105lbs, although I know it was underweight, and I haven't been this heavy in so long that it's scaring me an the concept of staying here is almost unomaginable...for the best part of a year I have gone off the wagon, gained and then been very good at getting back on and losing it again but I'm kind of tired of it, although terrified and depressed at the same time.
To be honest, I don't know what I'm asking, or whether I just needed to vent and put this all out there. I don't need people just commenting saying - that's underweight, that's bad etc. I get that, I ned something constructive...I just don't know what.
Also - I don't work out. I hate it. I have tried and tried and tried to like working out but it never gets better and I'd rather just walk. I like in London and do ALOT of walking every day so I just have to say that's enough. I did JM 30DS last July for 50 days and I liked working out no better at the end than when I started. I have tried swimming, running, zumba, yoga, the gym, pilates...so many things and I just hate it. If thats relevant in any way...!!
So as I said, I'm not sure what I'm asking or if I'm asking anything at all but I feel like I just needed to get this out there. Is it an eating disorder when I do normally eat quite a lot? I just don't know what to do...the thought of not going back down to 105lbs where I was is terrifying...isn't that how weight creeps on and BAM, you're overweight again?
Ugh, I'm sorry for anyone that actually managed to read all that!
I think I may have some kind of eating disorder, but I'm finding it hard to categorise:
I'm 5"7" and over the past year I went from 136lbs in February to 110lbs in June. I went on several holidays over the summer and fluctuated but would always re-lose the weight after I got back from holiday. At my lowest I was 108lbs before a 3-week vacation to france with my family. I can't remember exactly but I think I went up to 117 after the holiday and due to poor tracking I don't remember exactly how much time it took to lose again but I stated a post-holiday diet at the very end of August and by the end of October I was 106lbs.
Now, I am a very conscientious logger and I track everything - if anyone wishes to look back over my diary it's all there and open to the public and it's definitely honest, I eat exactly what I log - in fact I plan it the day (or week before so I can do a grocery shop) and never skip something on the day - I love food too much!
So, all whilst eating up to 1600 calories a day (I know it's still a cut, but I also don't exercise and I was still sort of trying to lose weight) I went down to 100.4lbs at my lowest around 15th Dec last year.
Here is where I bring my concerns. I know I wasn't fat, in fact I was very tjhin and people commented, but I liked it. I wasn't ACTIVELY trying to lose weight, but seeing another lb go was great for me. I will also mention that over the period of November and December I went to parties/events/Xmas do's almost weekly (if not twice weekly) so there will be unlogged daus, but I would always follow up a slurge day (and they were splurges, not binges, but definitely having a good time!) with a couple of low-cal days and then go back up to my 1600cal daily intake.
So I gave myself Xmas off (which turned into the period 22nd Dec - 14th Jan!) and I'm up to 114lbs now. I know this is a healthy weight, I'm not fat - although I can see lots of fat that wasn't there before! But I am fighting the two sides of me - the one that says - "get back to 105lbs, you were happy there and not losing the weight after a gain like this is how the weight creeps on and you're overweight again" and the other half of me that says "you're fine...just enjoy yourself, don't go crazy but stop with this dieting" the problem is I liked being 105lbs, although I know it was underweight, and I haven't been this heavy in so long that it's scaring me an the concept of staying here is almost unomaginable...for the best part of a year I have gone off the wagon, gained and then been very good at getting back on and losing it again but I'm kind of tired of it, although terrified and depressed at the same time.
To be honest, I don't know what I'm asking, or whether I just needed to vent and put this all out there. I don't need people just commenting saying - that's underweight, that's bad etc. I get that, I ned something constructive...I just don't know what.
Also - I don't work out. I hate it. I have tried and tried and tried to like working out but it never gets better and I'd rather just walk. I like in London and do ALOT of walking every day so I just have to say that's enough. I did JM 30DS last July for 50 days and I liked working out no better at the end than when I started. I have tried swimming, running, zumba, yoga, the gym, pilates...so many things and I just hate it. If thats relevant in any way...!!
So as I said, I'm not sure what I'm asking or if I'm asking anything at all but I feel like I just needed to get this out there. Is it an eating disorder when I do normally eat quite a lot? I just don't know what to do...the thought of not going back down to 105lbs where I was is terrifying...isn't that how weight creeps on and BAM, you're overweight again?
Ugh, I'm sorry for anyone that actually managed to read all that!
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Replies
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I think you need to stop categorising yourself as either 'fat' or 'thin'!
If you're 115-130 you're healthy and normal for someone of your height with a slender frame.
End of story.0 -
Thanks for reply, but to be honest, not helpful.
I know the numbers, I know I'm at a healthy weight range and as easy as it is to say (or type) to just stop categorising myself as fat or thin is much more difficult than it would seem.
But I don't know what I was hoping for by posting here...it was an impulse I guess.0 -
Sweetie, you might want to talk to someone about the thoughts in your head.
If you go to Uni, there might be free counseling available through them.
It sounds to me, that you're leaning towards EDNOS (not really anorexic, not really bulimic, etc)
The last few days of your diary, you don't even hit 1000 cals.
You definitely do need to work on those thoughts in your head.
But I think if you tried strength training, you'd see changes in your body that you'd like.0 -
I think you need to stop categorising yourself as either 'fat' or 'thin'!
If you're 115-130 you're healthy and normal for someone of your height with a slender frame.
End of story.
She is correct. I think you my have poor body image and possibly looking for something to be wrong when nothing is. Maybe speak with your doctor so you can get reassurance.0 -
Thanks for reply, but to be honest, not helpful.
I know the numbers, I know I'm at a healthy weight range and as easy as it is to say (or type) to just stop categorising myself as fat or thin is much more difficult than it would seem.
But I don't know what I was hoping for by posting here...it was an impulse I guess.
I didn't find that useful either and I'm not the OP0 -
Yeah the last few days (although tues and Wed I planned but didn't follow, just ate a bunch of other stuff, wrnt out etc) are a classic example of my 'back on the diet' method - 3/4 days of low cal to begin with before upping to 1200 for a few days/weeks depending on weight to lose and then 100cals extra a week until I reach 1600 and stay there until all weight loss is achieved.
It's a bizarre and probably very unhealthy method but it's the way I've always dealt with gains before...
I'm no longer in Uni so there's no councelling service available to me unless I go though the NHS and that's a nightmare and would take months and months I'm pretty sure...0 -
It's not that I'm looking for something to be wrong...I would be trilled if there wasn't. But the rational, logical part of me (which normally rules most areas of my life) is saying that something isn't quite right here...it may not (I hope it's not) an eating disorder but I'm constantly looking at girlfriends, other women on the street etc who I think look good and comparing myself to them - am I bigger/smaller etc. And I do think I look fine at the moment but the impulse to get back to the stage where people said I looked really good (or too thin as I was told by many people) is very hard to fight...it seems to me like failing or something...0
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swimming, running, zumba, yoga, the gym, pilates - all solo activites
What about trying a team sport - basketball, netball, badminton...?0 -
swimming, running, zumba, yoga, the gym, pilates - all solo activites
What about trying a team sport - basketball, netball, badminton...?
I do keep meaning to try again (I do play a lot of tennis in the summer) but at the moment, very busy - I have 3 part time classes I take several times a week, I have an internshipe for 3 days a week and a part time job for 2 days a week, so I have very little free time, and an odd schedule - I don't just do 9-5, I often take classes or work in the evenings as well so finding a regular time to do a group sport would be tricky at the moment, but once my workload eases off it's a good plan0 -
Slamming every reply with 'thats not useful' you're probably not going to get many replies now.. let alone useful ones0
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I'm no longer in Uni so there's no councelling service available to me unless I go though the NHS and that's a nightmare and would take months and months I'm pretty sure...
Even though it may take a while, perhaps it may be worth seeing someone, even if just for your own peace of mind.
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do you feel stressed or sad about your body or weight?
if not I would say you are just fine0 -
It may take time to get into counseling, but I would say you need to pursue it. The thoughts you are having are not healthy, and as you've already noticed, it's getting out of control. If you don't seek some outside help, you are going to fall deeper into this hole that you already can't get yourself out of.0
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sorry but 1600 cals is not 'a lot' of food.... especially not for your height and if you walk a lot for exercise... (as a comparrison i eat 1800 cals to lose weight and i am shorter than you)0
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Slamming every reply with 'thats not useful' you're probably not going to get many replies now.. let alone useful ones
God I know. I just looked back and I'm just making excuses or denying things. I apologise, I know you are all actually trying to help or you wouldn't bother. Like I said, I don't know what i was looking to achieve here and I guess I'm not being very open to help at all. I guess I was secretly hoping for some magical oracle answer that would just FIX me or something...
But the councelling is something that I think I should actually look into...even if it's not an eating dosorder, it's not mentally healthy I don't think0 -
If you're serious and that concerned about your 'food and diet obsession' you might look into 'overeaters anonymous' it's totally free. Try a few meetings, read the literature and you can decide if in fact you DO have an eating disorder. Good luck and stop making excuses.0
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sorry but 1600 cals is not 'a lot' of food.... especially not for your height and if you walk a lot for exercise... (as a comparrison i eat 1800 cals to lose weight and i am shorter than you)
No you're right, just reading it I see the stupidity of it...I guess it just feels like a lot of food, because it's all so clean (or low fat) so I have lots of things without actually eating as much as I think...0 -
Slamming every reply with 'thats not useful' you're probably not going to get many replies now.. let alone useful ones
God I know. I just looked back and I'm just making excuses or denying things. I apologise, I know you are all actually trying to help or you wouldn't bother. Like I said, I don't know what i was looking to achieve here and I guess I'm not being very open to help at all. I guess I was secretly hoping for some magical oracle answer that would just FIX me or something...
But the councelling is something that I think I should actually look into...even if it's not an eating dosorder, it's not mentally healthy I don't think
the fact that you are so defensive about your habits suggests it is a problem...0 -
do you feel stressed or sad about your body or weight?
if not I would say you are just fine
At the moment a little because of the perceived massive gain, but normally not. when I was between 101-110lbs I wasn't stresed or sad about it at all...just eager to keep losing and very very very controllimng about what I ate etc.0 -
its sounds like it could be a case of body dismorphia, rather than an eating disorder.0
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Go to your GP and tell her everything you have put out in this thread, she will get you in touch with counselling quicker than you think.0
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Def approaching an ED if not already there- sorry
But realising that this is a problem means that you can get help early! Go to your GP and tell them everything. Please don't let it get worse, please. Eating disorders are hell and the longer you've had one, the harder it is to cure. You've caught this pretty early, get some help so it doesn't have to go further! Good luck 
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It's not that I'm looking for something to be wrong...I would be trilled if there wasn't. But the rational, logical part of me (which normally rules most areas of my life) is saying that something isn't quite right here...it may not (I hope it's not) an eating disorder but I'm constantly looking at girlfriends, other women on the street etc who I think look good and comparing myself to them - am I bigger/smaller etc. And I do think I look fine at the moment but the impulse to get back to the stage where people said I looked really good (or too thin as I was told by many people) is very hard to fight...it seems to me like failing or something...
I don't personally think there is anything wrong with you. I feel much the same. I know I am now 'normal' but still like the idea of losing more, check myself (usually unflatteringly) against others, and am panicking about maintenance. Part of it is just how we are after being overweight. We still categorise ourselves as 'fat'. I have started a new job this month - and what have I been doing - firstly telling people that I am looking at a maintenance diet. They didnt need to know - they never knew me 5 stone heavier - but I still went right on and said it. I still think I am fat and need to explain that I am working on it.
I think there is also something wrong with the world we women live in - we are catergorised as either skinny or fat. How many times in a magazine is someone celebrated for just being normal - nope all we see is "**** has lost 6 stone in 3 months"; "**** has turned into a lardarse", "*****'s brilliant diet just for you". Where are the articles saying - hey, **** is just a normal looking person who has her life sorted". They don't sell magazines/paper though do they.
Others on here have suggested counselling. If you feel you need it go ahead, but first think what YOU want to get out of it. Just sitting there listening to someone else spout on about body image etc when you haven't thought how that affects you is a waste of time. Go with an agenda for YOU. Don't be given an agenda by someone who, though they may have your interests at heart, doesn't know what you want to achieve.
Hope this helps - probably not - but I couldnt just say *hugs and will get better soon*0 -
I don't think you're crazy. I do think that you are not eating enough. And I'm not sure why 105 pounds feels comfortable to you. We're the same height. I can't imagine what I would feel like at 105...I know I wouldn't feel well.
I peeked at your food diary and you're consuming only about 800 cals a day...not nearly enough food and certainly not enough nutrition to stay healthy.
So...if counseling is an option, to talk about how you're feeling and how much time you're thinking about food and weight, I say go for it. Counseling is awesome.
And...how about talking to a nutritionist? It might help you get some ideas for things that are balanced and healthy and satisfying. Chocolate, popcorn and veggies aren't going to give you the nutrition you need to thrive.
Being underweight for too long can have permanent consequences. You're worth the time and effort to take care of yourself and I truly hope you will...0 -
Hi hun sorry you're feeling this way, by your explanations you do show some slight signs of EDNOS but the thing that seems to come across is perhaps body dismorphia? I think you're perhaps at a precipice which could result into a serious ED considering your perceived "fat" body image even though you are very slim and at a healthier weight now. As others have suggested perhaps speaking to a doctor who specialises in EDs would be a great first step and I don't think anybody here can truly help you in the same way a specialist could.
Take care x0 -
The bit about control is what stands out to me. I remember reading a while back that control can be a major trigger for EDs. The person has little else they can control in their lives so they obsessively control their diet and/or exercise.
Please do follow through with seeking counseling. It sounds like you're at least aware of what's going on and that's a good first step but you need the help to work through the causes and work out a solution.
In the meantime, I think you could make some small changes if it doesn't stress you out too much. Switch to maintenance and try to eat up to your daily calorie goal on a consistent basis. Even if a night or two out causes a slight gain, remember most of that is usually water weight so just staying within your goal (not coming in so far under) will still get you back to your pre-indulgence weight, it just takes a little longer (and as you pointed out, is healthier and less extreme).
Best of luck to you!0 -
It's not that I'm looking for something to be wrong...I would be trilled if there wasn't. But the rational, logical part of me (which normally rules most areas of my life) is saying that something isn't quite right here...it may not (I hope it's not) an eating disorder but I'm constantly looking at girlfriends, other women on the street etc who I think look good and comparing myself to them - am I bigger/smaller etc. And I do think I look fine at the moment but the impulse to get back to the stage where people said I looked really good (or too thin as I was told by many people) is very hard to fight...it seems to me like failing or something...
I don't personally think there is anything wrong with you. I feel much the same. I know I am now 'normal' but still like the idea of losing more, check myself (usually unflatteringly) against others, and am panicking about maintenance. Part of it is just how we are after being overweight. We still categorise ourselves as 'fat'. I have started a new job this month - and what have I been doing - firstly telling people that I am looking at a maintenance diet. They didnt need to know - they never knew me 5 stone heavier - but I still went right on and said it. I still think I am fat and need to explain that I am working on it.
I think there is also something wrong with the world we women live in - we are catergorised as either skinny or fat. How many times in a magazine is someone celebrated for just being normal - nope all we see is "**** has lost 6 stone in 3 months"; "**** has turned into a lardarse", "*****'s brilliant diet just for you". Where are the articles saying - hey, **** is just a normal looking person who has her life sorted". They don't sell magazines/paper though do they.
Others on here have suggested counselling. If you feel you need it go ahead, but first think what YOU want to get out of it. Just sitting there listening to someone else spout on about body image etc when you haven't thought how that affects you is a waste of time. Go with an agenda for YOU. Don't be given an agenda by someone who, though they may have your interests at heart, doesn't know what you want to achieve.
Hope this helps - probably not - but I couldnt just say *hugs and will get better soon*
Thank you, this has been the most useful - it's nice to know that I'm not just out of my mind - as you can relate but that there are atill issues I need to work on.
Thanks for the support, I'm not sure about concelling, I've never been much of a talker and I'm not entirely sure it would work, but I'm glad to know that other's can relate and that I'm not alone
As for the latter posts, you all mention body dysmorphia and I think that's what it is, because although I see a thin person when I'm at 105 (or lower) I don't think I see myself as thin as other people do, and I thin I still think I'm bigger than certain people when maybe I'm actually not.
Thanks for the support though, I guess that's all I wanted, was for someone to understand and reassure?? me or something...0 -
Until you can get into counseling, (counselors can be found through school (even part time), the doctor or your employers may have an employee assistance program with numbers that you can call that is completely confidential.
you could also try affirmation training or positive thinking.
it is corny, but they have done studies that prove you can change how you think, just by making the choice to me more positive.
You need to continually think and say to yourself that you are beautiful, healthy, etc. Every time you are looking in the mirror or start thinking negative thoughts. Focus on what is great about you and your looks. Your friend may have great legs, but you have great eyes.
Be sure to keep eating healthy (and the right amount of foods).0 -
I was trying to be helpful I swear! Did sound a bit narky sorry.
It's just I have a similar issue, I often feel disgusted with my body etc. And a lot of that is because I used to be very thin!
But the only way to quash those thoughts I'm having is to look at the evidence.
Look at the scale, note peoples comments ('you look healthy / hot / trim'), and ignore that voice. 0 -
yes you have some sypmtoms and signs warning of an eating disorder to be honest, not just your body image but logging religiously, following a splurge day with a couple of very strict days to make up. At 1600 calories you are already at a deficit so if you go over one day a week you really don't need to cut right back to compensate. Feeling that you do is not a good sign. And I think a good place to start would be your gp - you dismiss counselling on the NHS as it might take "ages" well it might not and you won't know unless you ask. You may have some level of body dysmorphia but that is not all this is. Sorry to be a bit blunt but you are not on the edge of a slippery slope, in my opinion you are merrily trundling down it.
You say you don't like exercise, one reason may be because you are not giving your body enough to fuel exercise too. And at this point, you will get better results from doing weightbearing exercise (not just cardio) and improving your shape with some muscle than by dieting. You _need_ to do some weightbearing to counter the fact that you are underweight and undereating as you _will_ be losing bone mass!0
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