(My Story) I became Obese and I'm Ashamed

When I was a little girl I was very active, with gymnastics and cheerleading, I was a social butterfly and loved the outside. My little brother was pretty much the same way. When my parents divorced when I was seven I was forced to quit all that because my mom no longer had time to take me as she was working on her master’s degree. That’s when things started to get bad, I started getting bullied in school and I was becoming less like a social butterfly and more like a recluse. After my mom finished her master’s degree she got a new job, built a house where her job was because the 1.5 hour commute was doing no good for the little shattered family. So she upped and moved us, that is when I really started gaining a lot of weight. The bullying got worse as the weight kept adding on, I was called monkey girl, four eyes, fatso, and much more vulgar things. My mom became abusive towards me and I pretty much just locked myself away from the world, I went to school hugging my books, my head lowered to the ground and passed by as people laughed and called me names. Every day was a struggle for me and I just gained more weight. My junior year in high school I decided to join the swim team, it did me a lot of good, I swam my frustrations and emotions away. The kids who picked on me found out and they would come to the swim meets and make fun of me before my races, I literally broke down in tears during one of my 500yr races. As my goggles filled with tears all I think was “just keep swimming just keep swimming” I have Dory to thank for motivating me to not give up.

After graduating high school I no longer had swim team which was a real bummer to me and I just gained all my weight back. In college I gained more weight because I was just depressed. My mom kept abusing me and making me feel worthless, she had me always taking care of my brother when it should have been her job. For a year that I was away for college she paid NONE of it accept 100 dollars a month for food, drinks and personal products(my fellow women, we know how expensive that could get). My grandmother paid all of my tuition and books and dorm fees while I was away, she had given me so much I couldn’t tell her that I was practically starving. I would go to events at the school when they had free food just to eat; I had no friends because I had no money to go out with them. My days were going to class, go to the gym, and go to my room and study. I finally had no choice but to move back to my mom’s because I was just so unhappy and starving. I had lost no weight but I had gained none either. Mom was abusive once again as soon as I moved back home, I quit school to get a job and she would take most of my paychecks saying how I owe her. If I fought her it just ended up with me getting smacked around.

Finally one day I stood up to her and told her I was done being the mother to my brother, and being taken advantage of. She kicked me out 5 days later, thankfully my grandmother took me in my mom took EVERYTHING she could from me. I got super depressed and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 20. I was falling apart, no mom, no dad, and my mom had poised my brother’s mind and I’ve lost him too. I am now 22 years old, I’m 5’2”, I weigh 191 pounds which is considered very obese, I have social anxiety and I tend to lock myself away. I have done this for so long I never feel comfortable going out much and I make up excuses to not go out when friends invite me. I am ashamed of what I have become, I can’t stand looking in the mirror because when I see my body all I want to do is cry and shatter the mirror. I hide behind baggy clothes and school sweaters. I work full time, I go to school full time, I help take care of my grandmother and I keep pushing daily to keep myself from wanting to just quit and run away from it all. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see something beautiful not something I am ashamed of. I am making a change to my life and I am thankful for my grandmother and friends who support me and my choice to seriously change. I am looking to lose about 50 pounds to start out with. I know with encouragement, motivation, and help from MFP and others on it I CAN reach this goal. I also have doctors helping me as my weight has caused a lot of medical and health problems. I will reach my goal; I have to if I want to be able to be myself again. The real me; not the recluse.

I am 22 years old, I’ve been through things I should have never gone through, I am 5’2”, I weigh 191 pounds and I will reach my goal of losing 50, I will one day be able to look in a mirror and see beauty not shame.

*Note: My grandmother now knows now how my mom treated me. She knows how my mom practically tried starving me in college and took my money. My grandmother is appalled by how her own daughter would act after she had raised her so fairly. My grandmother and I are like best friends we have our fights but the best part is we are all better by the next day. My grandmother is the greatest person in my life, thanks to her I am not homeless and I’m able to get an education. My grandmother and I no longer have contact with either of my parents or my brother. My family is shattered but I am grateful to have my grandma. You choose who your friends and family are, blood means nothing.

Live The Life You Love, Love The Life You Live.

Please see a professional, if you're not currently. Weight loss will come with time, but it sounds like you really need the kind of help you're not likely going to find here.

I know it took a lot of courage for you to post your history. Please believe that you are a worthwhile person. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself that you are awesome, that you are not goin to be defined by someone else. You define yourself. YOU will gain success with your own hard work. YOU are worth the effort you put in. YOU were born to BE AMAZING, but you have to want it, and work for it.