OT - frustrated and depressed

banks1850 · July 2008

It seems my wife and I have vastly different ideas of what we want for houses.

I want a house with potential, I'm not too concerned about the current state of the house as long as we can live in it while I work on it. She wants a finished product. This is very frustrating because the finished products out there have small lots, and are selling at close to, or above their assessed value. I don't want a small, postage sized lots house that has little potential for increasing value! I'm at the point now where I just don' t care anymore because I'm so tired of looking, but I know that once it's over, and we end up with something she likes but I don't, it will be a BIG problem down the road. I mean a split us up sized problem. Because I'll resent her for it, and if I tell her and we sell at that point she'll resent me for it.

I'm not looking for a solution, I know I just need to talk to her about it. The problem is, I know my wife, and it's not going to change her mind. What do you do when the biggest monetary decision you will ever make is one you can't agree on, even knowing both sides and understanding them? (that question is rhetorical)

banks1850 · July 2008

It seems my wife and I have vastly different ideas of what we want for houses.

I want a house with potential, I'm not too concerned about the current state of the house as long as we can live in it while I work on it. She wants a finished product. This is very frustrating because the finished products out there have small lots, and are selling at close to, or above their assessed value. I don't want a small, postage sized lots house that has little potential for increasing value! I'm at the point now where I just don' t care anymore because I'm so tired of looking, but I know that once it's over, and we end up with something she likes but I don't, it will be a BIG problem down the road. I mean a split us up sized problem. Because I'll resent her for it, and if I tell her and we sell at that point she'll resent me for it.

I'm not looking for a solution, I know I just need to talk to her about it. The problem is, I know my wife, and it's not going to change her mind. What do you do when the biggest monetary decision you will ever make is one you can't agree on, even knowing both sides and understanding them? (that question is rhetorical)

laurenk182004 · July 2008

I have no idea what to tell you...but I feel for you. If I were u I'd just keep looking. I know how frustrating it is to look for a home. Maybe u'll get lucky and find something that is a middle ground...nice lot with a nice house that needs "some" work. Good luck hun!

mello · July 2008

Wow Banks, so sorry to hear you have this huge burden hanging over you........from your wife's perspective I can so understand wanting to walk into a turn key operation....it's less stress, less work, less heartache. But from your perspective I can see it too......you want more house, more land and your willing to get a fixer upper so to speak to be able to get more bang for your buck later down the road.

Hmmmm, do you have children? Would you be able to persuade her that kids need more land? Does even the notion that fixing something up EXACTLY like she wants it appeal to her? What about the financial aspect......less $ for house means more $ in your pocket.

Just some thoughts, sending peaceful thoughts your way:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

jojo52610 · July 2008

Yep My H and I had the same problem - I wanted brand new - he wanted bigger lot

Actually he won - however when we walked in to our house we both liked it - so I think in the end you'll find something - just don't give up and keep looking

ali106 · July 2008

(((((banksie)))))

I also know you're just venting out your frustration hon, and I don't have the answers even if you did want them....BUT you know resentment is not good....so ya, you need to talk and try to come to a happy medium honey....

I'd just keep looking til that magic comes along....as much of a pain in the *kitten* it is....was that first house something you both loved? Nothing along that lines now? Maybe something will come available in the near future hon.....anyway sorry not much help...but thinking of you superbanks!

big hugs buddy!
Ali:drinker:

Skittles6617 · July 2008

I am a Realtor, and I can tell you that you have not even touched on the most stressing part of buying a home. This is what I usually do with my couples, sit down and separately write down exactly what you are looking for in a house. Then make another list, what you MUST have and what you WANT. Then put your lists together and try to come up with a compromise. Try this first and see if it helps a bit. I am the type that just wants a finished house as well. When you come up with a compromise, have your Realtor preview the homes that he she has selected for you to see before you go. This way you are not running everywhere if it is way off from what you expected. A good Realtor will be willing to do this for. Let me know how it goes!!!

SoupNazi · July 2008

Aww Banks. That's a toughie! While I am perfectly clear on your ideas regarding your house I am trying to analyze your wifes thought process as to why she is adamant about a finished product. Bear with me, but this may help in any future discussions with her. Do you suppose she fears that if you two were to purchase a slight fixer upper that maybe the work to it might not get done? Does she maybe fear the hidden cost behind actually repairing a house? Maybe she just fears the inconvenience of it all.
Maybe, while discussing both ideas, you two can both list the pros and cons of buying a finished product vs. a fixer upper. (I love pro/con lists btw...when it is on paper it seems to make more sense.) How about wiping the slate clean and both of you write down your own ideas of the perfect home. Of course you know that in marriage there needs to be some kind of middle ground, in which, you both can stand and this seems to be a MAJOR purchase you both need to agree on. Write down on your list the qualities that are VERY important to you, SOMEWHAT important to you and NOT AT ALL important to you and vice versa. Then you two have something to compare and talk about.

Just some ideas.

gabi_ele · July 2008

I understand your frustration, it's not much fun looking around and not finding what you are looking for or not being able to agree on what you want. I have been married for 28 years and we had 3 houses so far, the first one I hated, it had big pines in the front yard and the layout was ok but I didn't care for it. The second one I liked but my husband hated the area it was in, the one we are in now I love, we are still working on it. (Bought a shell and are finishing it up ouselves).
On a fixer upper the problem is will you have enough time to work on it and get it done quickly? I have lived in a construction zone for over 20 years now and it takes a sunny disposition too look over some of the things ( our bedrooom has no carped in it because the master bath is not done and we don't want to traipse glue or grout all over the bedroom....one of the other rooms is also unfinished, landscaping needs to be done and there are lots of other things that rear up their ugly head.....)
Marridges are made up of compromises and some people can't see potential unless we show them what could be done, on the other hand we get idealistic and think we can do this in a jiffy and 3 month later were still not finished. Keep on looking the perfect solution is out there, you just haven't seen it yet.

SoupNazi · July 2008

I am a Realtor, and I can tell you that you have not even touched on the most stressing part of buying a home. This is what I usually do with my couples, sit down and separately write down exactly what you are looking for in a house. Then make another list, what you MUST have and what you WANT. Then put your lists together and try to come up with a compromise. Try this first and see if it helps a bit. I am the type that just wants a finished house as well. When you come up with a compromise, have your Realtor preview the homes that he she has selected for you to see before you go. This way you are not running everywhere if it is way off from what you expected. A good Realtor will be willing to do this for. Let me know how it goes!!!

OMGosh!!! I posted at the same time as you and we BOTH have the same idea...LOL

See Banks......we both can't be wrong....:laugh:

kimber607 · July 2008

Hey Banks

No advice....just wanted to say that I hope you guys can somehow come up with a resolution...maybe finding a happy medium...
My bro and SIL went through the same thing, and my bro was always making digs about the house they were in and all the houses he saw that would have been better etc

I'm not happy with the house we are living in now
When we initially saw it, Dh liked it much much better than I did
I only blame myself though, because I know if I said absolutely not...we wouldn't have went through with the purchase
He knew I wasn't thrilled, but not the full extent of it (which I only have myself to blame)

Anyway, ((HUGS))
Really hope things work out...you've been though a lot with all this house business
Until u can come up with a resolution, would it make any sense to put the house hunting on hold....I know it gets exhausting and draining pretty quickly

Kim

artnoren · July 2008

I don't know where you live, but the housing market throughout the U.S. is hurting. Home values dropped 15+ % in May. It is a buyers market. You should be able to find something that both of you feel good about in this market and get it at a great price.

Another solution might be to find a low priced house that needs work and contract to have the work done to meet your wife's needs and don't move in until its completed.

And always remember, a house does not make a home. Good luck to you.

peej76 · July 2008

My husband and I went through the same thing. I grew up in a small cozy home, his was a little larger, with more living space and much more modern, when we bought we went for the small cozy home, which we have been living in for 4 years now. He has never been happy, because to him it's too small and cramped. So of course it's 4 yrs later and we added a new addition to the family so now we've outgrown the house and are looking again. I'm not even happy with the clutter anymore. I don't want to move, we live in a small community so the kids are set with schoolinga nd friends and I still love "where" we live, but I do have to agree with him, we have definitley outgrown the house, we have to move stuff just to get into the next room.

My only advice, even though it is very frustrating trying to agree on something so big, is to keep looking until you find something you can both compromise on, otherwise you'll be in my situation, where you're settled in but have no other choice to make another move. Not much help I know, but hubby and I have had many late night arguments about it, I'd rather just keep the peace, but then again I am easy to please lol! Good luck on finding your home, Best wishes!

Skittles6617 · July 2008

Good Girl!!! :laugh:

Katy009 · July 2008

Weren't you just closing on a house???

IMO....if you already know you will resent each other to the point of a split, it would be worth your while to keep looking. Do you have time to look or is it an emergency situation? If you have time, take it. I truly believe you would find that perfect house for both of you eventually....not matter what state it is in.

I hate our house and my husband loves it. I have finally convinced him (slowly and over time) to start looking for another. I have suffered, however, for the past 4 years hating this house, but am glad that I didn't push too hard and now it's a joint decision.

Take a break from house looking if you can and when you get back into it you'll feel refereshed and excited again.

Best of luck!

mholmes · July 2008

It seems my wife and I have vastly different ideas of what we want for houses.

I want a house with potential, I'm not too concerned about the current state of the house as long as we can live in it while I work on it. She wants a finished product. This is very frustrating because the finished products out there have small lots, and are selling at close to, or above their assessed value. I don't want a small, postage sized lots house that has little potential for increasing value! I'm at the point now where I just don' t care anymore because I'm so tired of looking, but I know that once it's over, and we end up with something she likes but I don't, it will be a BIG problem down the road. I mean a split us up sized problem. Because I'll resent her for it, and if I tell her and we sell at that point she'll resent me for it.

I'm not looking for a solution, I know I just need to talk to her about it. The problem is, I know my wife, and it's not going to change her mind. What do you do when the biggest monetary decision you will ever make is one you can't agree on, even knowing both sides and understanding them? (that question is rhetorical)

K, I know you aren't looking for someone to give you the answer necessarily. But quite bluntly? You both HAVE to be on the same page. Explain to her that a finished product is, for so many reasons, out of the question and with a little effort and patience you can have something so much better. The house my husband and I bought is a 76 year old demo job. Even the inspector said he saw no potential. Now, only months later we've got it looking like a brand new home and so far only 102k invested with 3 acres of our own land! The home will also be our own style once we're done which we would not have gotten with some cookie cutter home on 1/4 acre. Fortunately for us we knew what we wanted and both wanted the same thing. Lowes offers a 10% moving discount which we each used one and saved 1000$ and home depot does the same... It's be just as efficient if not more so money wise to get a fixer upper or a foreclosure than anything else new on the market which, like you said, are always way over priced. Consider though the option that if ultimately what you want is just to have a hand in things that she can still get her new home but maybe a smaller one and you could work on adding a new room or other addition to the home. And like some others said, TAKE YOUR TIME. The worst mistake we made when house hunting was bidding and contracting on every home we thought we liked while searching. Lucky for us, every one kept backing out and we got a much better deal...

Shannon023 · July 2008

Okay, I can only echo what everyone else has said.

I'd rather have a fixer-upper so I can choose my own colors/cabinets etc.. and really make it mine. Maybe explain to your wife that you'll let her make all the decorating decisions.

If it's really going to be a marriage deal breaker, then don't spend the money on something she'll probably end up with in a divorce. {sorry if that sounded harsh} :flowerforyou:

Good luck to you & your wife!

AugustBaby1973 · July 2008

My house is for sale, and it's a "done product" with "potential to increase its value!"

HA! Well, I tried....:laugh: Don't worry. Things WILL work out. Keep looking, and be sure to talk about things--don't be afraid to tell her about your needs, and then see if the two of you can compromise! Don't split up over a HOUSE!

It's all about the

, man,

!!!!!

lina1131 · July 2008

Um, you're superman, you call the shots! :laugh: :bigsmile:

briblue72 · July 2008

maybe aim for something like bigger lot, nice kitchen, but bedrooms or basement need work? you may be able to find something that's 1/2 remodeled already - like a dropped flip job or something.

no matter what kind of building the house is, it won't be a HOME without the love filling it...

good luck! :flowerforyou:

Healthier_Me · July 2008

I think she wants something a finished product b/c you guys have been through so much already with the previous house. She just wants to settle into her new home with her hubbz and not worry about house stuff.

I understand where you're coming from Mista. I would do it your way also. Buy a fix me up with lots of room, fix it up the way we both like and have fun doing it.

You should really have a talk with wifey.

Phoenix_Rising · July 2008

Weren't you just closing on a house???

banks1850 · July 2008

thanks all for your concern. I just needed to vent a little. I'm just tired of the whole situation. I just want a place that I can look at and say "I did that". At least to a degree. I don't really WANT to move into a cookie cutter house that was someone else's vision of home. My brother is a carpenter, and my cousin is an electrician, so I'm not worried about working on a house (I can get all the guidence I need with a 6 pack as a carrot to dangle). I want to look at my house as a source of pride, not something we just walk into and drop all our stuff and say, done! Plus, we buy a house for 350K and we are house poor for the next 10 years. I don't want to live for my house, not able to vacation, having to watch all our money sink into a banks pockets in interest...etc. I'd much rather put that money into materials for a new kitchen (yes, I know how to build a kitchen), or new tile for the bathroom, or new windows...etc.

banks1850 · July 2008

Weren't you just closing on a house???

long story, the house was a foreclosure, we were ready to go, ready to sit at the closing table, had our money in order...etc. The bank that owned the house screwed up the deed when they initially bought it, so that delayed the closing, and of course, they could care less about a measilly 330K so they took their sweet *kitten* time, even though our rate lock on the interest rate was comming to an end (and in the interm the interest rates went from 6.25 to 6.75, raising our monthly payments by about 100 bucks per month).

Now, during all this, we found out some stuff wrong with the house, bad boiler, some plumbing issues, pool might need to be fixed, and the roof was 25 years old and needed new shingles (about 25-30K worth of stuff) which made us very sad, but banks don't negotiate, and we had already signed the promisory note so we were stuck. But the bank let the closing date pass and our rate lock expired. So we didn't close.
Ironically, this property has been under agreement 5 times now in the last year and never closed, you'd think the bank would have wanted it out of their hair. Anyway, the bank called us the next day and asked if we wanted to re-bid on it. We laughed, but did, at a MUCH lower price, which they refused, end of story. Crazy, these F***ers strung us along for about 45 days, then said no at the end.
So the house is under contract again, I'm curious to see if it EVER closes. The pool keeps getting worse and worse, and with the things they NOW have to disclose (once you find out about a problem, you're legally bound to disclose it, and our inspector found the bad boiler and the old roof) I wonder if they will get anywhere near what they would have if they had just been a little professional about it and gotten their end of the paperwork done on time.

TamTastic · July 2008

Hey Banks! I definitely feel for you. House hunting is such a HUGE cause of stress. I mean, finding the house is the easy part and having to deal with all the paperwork and other stuff after is SUCH a headache!!

And finding the right place when two people are involved is rough too. I guess a compromise is tough at times. I am like you, I don't want a cookie cutter house. I like unique homes. In fact, my favorite style of home are the 1920's Craftsman Style homes......LOVE LOVE those!!

Have you ever checked out Oldhouses.com?? They have some really nice ones for sale in different states. And Mass often has a TON.

Best of luck though! We want to start the condo selling/house hunting process too but with the market the way it is, we are focusing our time right now on updating things and getting it ready so once (Hopefully) the market does get better, we can sell. Luckily we live in a 3 bedroom/ 2 full bathroom condo, so at least we have the space, even with a child.

Maybe point out to her that not everyone has the connections you do for help on the "fixer-upper". I think she is terrified of living in a constant state of construction. If she knows things can get done somewhat timely, maybe she will be more open-minded to it.

Take care!
-Tam

OT - frustrated and depressed

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