Off topic, but need help/advice ANYTHING
ItsNatastic
Posts: 66 Member
Ok I dont know if I am overreacting but this has gotten me seriously freaked out.
Background: My brother in law has been in and out of jail since he was a young boy. He was just released from his last 5 year stint last Thursday. My husbands mother, who has all but disowned us because of some family business issues a couple of years ago, had gotten him from jail and spent the last week setting up somewhere for him to live a few hours away. My husbands other brother had notified us earlier this week that the fresh out of jail brother was coming home over this weekend to visit. No one else told us (even though we all live close together in the same small town), we were not invited to spend time there this weekend so we thought we were off the hook. Today my mother in law calls in the morning to ask (she left a voicemail) if my 5 year old daughter can come to spend the day, without once mentioning that my husbands brother, just out of jail, is there too. My husband called the other brother to see what they were up to and they were going to the mothers house for dinner. We were not invited. I called her back to see if she intended to invite us, just said we were not around for her call and are waiting on a playdate we had scheduled for our daughter this afternoon. I said we could call her when the playdate was over. She called back 5 mins later to ask if my 3 year old son could come over instead. DIDNT MENTION THE OTHER BROTHER, DIDNT ASK FOR MY HUSBAND OR I TO COME OVER.
My husband and his brother have not spoken during this past stint he had in jail. My husband outright disapproved of his decisions concerning drug use, gang activity, racist behavior and refused to have it as a part of his life any longer. We felt safe when he was in jail. Now he is out and my mother in law is putting my kids into the middle of this. Am I going insane? Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy? What the hell do I do?
Background: My brother in law has been in and out of jail since he was a young boy. He was just released from his last 5 year stint last Thursday. My husbands mother, who has all but disowned us because of some family business issues a couple of years ago, had gotten him from jail and spent the last week setting up somewhere for him to live a few hours away. My husbands other brother had notified us earlier this week that the fresh out of jail brother was coming home over this weekend to visit. No one else told us (even though we all live close together in the same small town), we were not invited to spend time there this weekend so we thought we were off the hook. Today my mother in law calls in the morning to ask (she left a voicemail) if my 5 year old daughter can come to spend the day, without once mentioning that my husbands brother, just out of jail, is there too. My husband called the other brother to see what they were up to and they were going to the mothers house for dinner. We were not invited. I called her back to see if she intended to invite us, just said we were not around for her call and are waiting on a playdate we had scheduled for our daughter this afternoon. I said we could call her when the playdate was over. She called back 5 mins later to ask if my 3 year old son could come over instead. DIDNT MENTION THE OTHER BROTHER, DIDNT ASK FOR MY HUSBAND OR I TO COME OVER.
My husband and his brother have not spoken during this past stint he had in jail. My husband outright disapproved of his decisions concerning drug use, gang activity, racist behavior and refused to have it as a part of his life any longer. We felt safe when he was in jail. Now he is out and my mother in law is putting my kids into the middle of this. Am I going insane? Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy? What the hell do I do?
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Replies
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Decline the invitation. Say the kids can't come over this weekend. IF she asks why it is up to you to confront her or to "have other plans" I might even make other plans real fast just to not be lying...I don't lie well so I would really need other plans or MIL would see right through me.
If she asks why and you are comfortable telling her..say..".I am not comfortable with my kids being in BIL presence without hubby or I there too. We don't know what he is like after this last stint in jail and would like to be there to get a feel for him again. We were not invited so until we have some time with BIL the kids will not spend time with him either. " I would remain as disengaged as possible...no emotion just let her know that you need to be there at least for the first few visits (ok all of them but she doesn't need to know that) She will either ask you all to come along or blow up but you are out of the situation which for your kids safety and well being is the most important.0 -
All I can do is tell you if it was me...keep in mind I'm a little bitter over a similar situation...In my case I gave the ex con a chance, a job a place to live and got burnt...
If I read correctly, your MIL doesn't want anything to do with you or your husband...thus no relationship.. Had she called and invited all of you I might have been inclined think that maybe she is trying to bury the hatchet and put her family back together..Personally I WOULD NOT send my kid over to spend the day at a home with people I don't trust. I have a similar situation and at one time was accused of using my kids as pawns...Not the case, my feeling is why would I want my kids exposed to poison. My oldest daughter is now 19 15 when this all went down...I always told her that when she was an adult it would be her call if she wanted any kind of relationship...thus far she has no desire...she saw them for what they were...
And my experience...even if by some chance your BIL has reformed himself in some way...once a con always a con...they just find a new way to pull their shinanigans...0 -
Decline the invitation. Say the kids can't come over this weekend. IF she asks why it is up to you to confront her or to "have other plans" I might even make other plans real fast just to not be lying...I don't lie well so I would really need other plans or MIL would see right through me.
If she asks why and you are comfortable telling her..say..".I am not comfortable with my kids being in BIL presence without hubby or I there too. We don't know what he is like after this last stint in jail and would like to be there to get a feel for him again. We were not invited so until we have some time with BIL the kids will not spend time with him either. " I would remain as disengaged as possible...no emotion just let her know that you need to be there at least for the first few visits (ok all of them but she doesn't need to know that) She will either ask you all to come along or blow up but you are out of the situation which for your kids safety and well being is the most important.
Extremely sound advice.0 -
Wow, that's a lot of family drama. If I were you, I'd move across the country to get away from all of this! Since you are there though, at the very least I would say that your kids don't go if you don't. However, if that scenario would result in arguments & behavior that would put your kids under unnecessary stress, I would decline altogether. What does your husband think?0
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Sorry but I will be blunt because you posted your problem in this forum and asked for opinions. Tell your mother in law and your husband's brothers TO GO TO HELL!
I don't understand what is all the fuzz about, you and your husband should not have any doubts about how to proceed. These are your children and being so young they should not be put in the middle of a very unhealthy enviroment.
Your brother in law is choosing to walk the wrong path, and his mohter is an unable. They both need healp.0 -
Decline the invitation. Say the kids can't come over this weekend. IF she asks why it is up to you to confront her or to "have other plans" I might even make other plans real fast just to not be lying...I don't lie well so I would really need other plans or MIL would see right through me.
If she asks why and you are comfortable telling her..say..".I am not comfortable with my kids being in BIL presence without hubby or I there too. We don't know what he is like after this last stint in jail and would like to be there to get a feel for him again. We were not invited so until we have some time with BIL the kids will not spend time with him either. " I would remain as disengaged as possible...no emotion just let her know that you need to be there at least for the first few visits (ok all of them but she doesn't need to know that) She will either ask you all to come along or blow up but you are out of the situation which for your kids safety and well being is the most important.
I'll add to that a mention that you either know about who's there and whats involved, or don't call. Not telling you, but having the kids over alone is also a no-relationship deal breaker.
Extremely sound advice.0 -
Sorry but I will be blunt because you posted your problem in this forum and asked for opinions. Tell your mother in law and your husband's brothers TO GO TO HELL!
I don't understand what is all the fuzz about, you and your husband should not have any doubts about how to proceed. These are your children and being so young they should not be put in the middle of a very unhealthy enviroment.
Your brother in law is choosing to walk the wrong path, and his mohter is an unable. They both need healp.
The problem I guess is not whether or not I feel this is a good idea. I KNOW it isnt. We're often put in a position of feeling badly for being disconnected, so during a time when one would think the other parties wanting to see our children would take our feelings into consideration. I just dont know how to proceed past the point of being uncomfortable. I dont know how to call my MIL out and tell her to consider our feelings without causing a major rift. Nevermind the fact that my brother in law and my husband havent spoken for years and we are unsure of his feelings toward us (and whether they fueled her decision not to tell us about his been there at all). I dont want to stir the pot with someone who at one point made our lives very very difficult.0 -
Ok I dont know if I am overreacting but this has gotten me seriously freaked out.
Background: My brother in law has been in and out of jail since he was a young boy. He was just released from his last 5 year stint last Thursday. My husbands mother, who has all but disowned us because of some family business issues a couple of years ago, had gotten him from jail and spent the last week setting up somewhere for him to live a few hours away. My husbands other brother had notified us earlier this week that the fresh out of jail brother was coming home over this weekend to visit. No one else told us (even though we all live close together in the same small town), we were not invited to spend time there this weekend so we thought we were off the hook. Today my mother in law calls in the morning to ask (she left a voicemail) if my 5 year old daughter can come to spend the day, without once mentioning that my husbands brother, just out of jail, is there too. My husband called the other brother to see what they were up to and they were going to the mothers house for dinner. We were not invited. I called her back to see if she intended to invite us, just said we were not around for her call and are waiting on a playdate we had scheduled for our daughter this afternoon. I said we could call her when the playdate was over. She called back 5 mins later to ask if my 3 year old son could come over instead. DIDNT MENTION THE OTHER BROTHER, DIDNT ASK FOR MY HUSBAND OR I TO COME OVER.
My husband and his brother have not spoken during this past stint he had in jail. My husband outright disapproved of his decisions concerning drug use, gang activity, racist behavior and refused to have it as a part of his life any longer. We felt safe when he was in jail. Now he is out and my mother in law is putting my kids into the middle of this. Am I going insane? Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy? What the hell do I do?
Um, not only is the whole situation crazy, it is a bit surreal.
It's peculiar, to say the least, that you are not invited too. Why is she inviting, first your daughter - on her own and then when you thought you had got out of that, she then asks if your son could go - without you?????
Er I don't think so, eh. Don't worry about offending her, the whole situation smacks of weirdness and why is she not in the slightest bothered that by NOT inviting you, she may offend you??
Don't even worry about offending anybody, your kids are not toys, you are their mother and if you have even just an inkling that something seems unnatural, don't even think twice.
They're not going without you and if you do not want to go, then they're not going at all - see what she says to that!
Wishing you all the best and hope you get it all sorted.0 -
I dont know how to call my MIL out and tell her to consider our feelings without causing a major rift.
There already is a major rift if she is lying to you. ...and yes, keeping the truth from you is lying.0 -
We kind of dodged it for the day now I think. We didnt call her back to tell her for sure that my son couldnt go, she didnt call us. Dinner has come and gone and i'm assuming the rest of the family is all there talking crap about us. Whatever, at least I dont have to sit there all uncomfortable worrying about what to say or worse yet, sit here and wonder how my kids are. I'm happy i'm not "thinking wrong" or overreacting, I was so panicked in all of this. I feel good knowing I am not the only one who feels I should tell her off. She's a very difficult, manipulative woman. I tend to avoid conflict as much as I can, but it's impossible with people who expect me to practically bow in their presence.0
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The brother came by our house last night after calling us. As soon as he come through the door my husband swept him off downstairs to his home office where they stayed for at least an hour as I watch UFC with our other house guests. When they came up and it was obvious things were all good, I felt at ease. The kids met him and liked him, he maintained good manners and respect when he spoke to us or any of our guests. My husband had told him that we cant have him as a part of our lives until he fully earns the right to be there. He left on good terms (I got a hug even and I didnt ask for one). He's leaving town today so we wont see him again for a couple of weeks or so. Either way I feel better, I feel good about my kids meeting him in our presence if that's how it has to be. I still want to ream out the MIL for being a cow but whatever, she'll die old and lonely and it wont be my frigging fault.
Thanks all for your advice
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