Am I a bad friend?

njean888
njean888 Posts: 399 Member
in Chit-Chat
Here is the scenario. I am married, have been for what seems like forever. My husband has always had a group of male friends. So in all the years I have been with my hubby I have seen this one guy go through a million women. Everyone in this group who knows this guy would say the same thing.

Now this guy, lets call him Phil started to see my best friend. Nothing serious, just hanging out and having sex. Okay so this went on for a couple of months and then Phil started to see someone else call her Vivian. He stopped seeing my best friend to date Vivian. This really upset my friend but she tried to play it off and besides we all warned her of this guys reputation. Okay so now he dates Vivian for 2 years and they breakup. He then starts to sleep with my best friend again. But after about 6 months he goes back to Vivian dumping my friend.

Now hear is why I'm asking if I'm a bad friend. Vivian found out about Phil seeing my friend on and off and did some really childish things and said some very hurtful and immature things to my friend. She created a fake Facebook page to send her insulting posts.

Now I kept my self out of this 100%. I was not the one sleeping with Phil and I have nothing to do with this. My best friend seems to think that I should not be friends with Vivian. That if I valued our friendship that I would of told Vivian that what she did was wrong and that I should not speak with her. However, remember that Phil is my husbands friend. He is now married to Vivian. So am I seriously in the wrong because I have always tried to be politically correct in this scenario.

None of this was ever any of my business, it still isn't. Does this make me a bad friend. As my friend says "my loyalty should be with her" really what the f does that even mean? I'm not 12.
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Replies

  • _John_
    _John_ Posts: 8,646 Member
    Hi, I'm Phil, have we met?
  • Pipsg1rl
    Pipsg1rl Posts: 1,414 Member
    What does your husband say? Is Phil his "best" friend??

    It almost sounds like you and your husband would be better off distancing yourselves as best you can from this type of situation.

    And also, as a wife of over 16years to my husband, it would bother me if he hung out with a single guy that was a serial dater.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,323 Member
    Hi, I'm Phil, have we met?

    hi phil...you havent happened to see a tl;dr version around here somewhere did you?
  • njean888
    njean888 Posts: 399 Member
    Yes they are really close. They have known each other for at least 18 years. I guess Phil being all over the place never bothered me before because I would go out with them all of the time.
  • summertime_girl
    summertime_girl Posts: 3,945 Member
    If Vivian is the kind of person who makes fake Facebook pages to torment others, why would you want to be friends with her?
  • Mia_RagazzaTosta
    Mia_RagazzaTosta Posts: 4,885 Member
    Hi, I'm Phil, have we met?

    hi phil...you havent happened to see a tl;dr version around here somewhere did you?

    11th grade all over again
  • _John_
    _John_ Posts: 8,646 Member
    Hi, I'm Phil, have we met?

    hi phil...you havent happened to see a tl;dr version around here somewhere did you?

    Yeah, "phil", who is a friend of this husband and wife has slept around with 2 of the wife's friends in the past and is currently married to one. The jealous (female dog) she is married to came to wife with bad things to say about her other friend. Is wife a bad friend for not distancing her and husband from Phil.
  • jlshea
    jlshea Posts: 494 Member
    Is Phil's #2 lady somoene you'd normally be friends with or are you nice to her out of respect for your husband and Phil?

    If you really are friends with both ladies I think you just need to tell them both that you cannot get into it and will not take sides. Its between them and Phil and good friends don't make you choose like that over a man.
  • _John_
    _John_ Posts: 8,646 Member
    at this point most internet forums would require a Rule #1 on the two friends so we could adequately pass judgement.

    (Rule #1 being you mentioned a female, you post a pic of them).
  • Docmahi
    Docmahi Posts: 1,603 Member
    nah doesn't make you a bad friend - I would stayed the eff outta that mess
  • Cliffslosinit
    Cliffslosinit Posts: 5,044 Member
    Hook me up with your now single best friend....I'll make her a mumbler.
    She won't have time to talk.....
  • njean888
    njean888 Posts: 399 Member
    If Vivian is the kind of person who makes fake Facebook pages to torment others, why would you want to be friends with her?

    I suppose this is my friends position. But we ( my husband and I) see Phil and Vivian maybe 6-8 times a year. Am I expected to ask my husband to distance himself from him because of this non-sense?
  • arrseegee
    arrseegee Posts: 575 Member
    Oh God, what an impossible situation! Phil sounds like he should be castrated, and your friend should have listened to your advice. I know best friends can expect a lot of each other but in saying that your friend chose to sleep with him, knowing he's bad news, and I think if she disregarded your advice to start with, as well as letting him back in her bed, then it's her emotional mess to deal with and she can't expect you to get stuck in the middle.

    If it was one of my friends I think I'd give them the "I don't like how she treated you, however because of my husband I have to see her and I'm sorry what happened but this is very difficult for me too" commiserating speech.
  • summertime_girl
    summertime_girl Posts: 3,945 Member
    If Vivian is the kind of person who makes fake Facebook pages to torment others, why would you want to be friends with her?

    I suppose this is my friends position. But we ( my husband and I) see Phil and Vivian maybe 6-8 times a year. Am I expected to ask my husband to distance himself from him because of this non-sense?

    Honestly, I would. Your husband and Phil can go grab a beer without Vivian. She sounds horrid. If you do need to see her at events, you can be cordial, but not friendly. I don't understand, loyalty aside, why you'd want to be friends with an admitted cyber-bully?
  • Chieflrg
    Chieflrg Posts: 9,097 Member
    If you told your friends that Phil was a playah before hand, then no your not a bad friend.
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
    Your friend needs to realize that she was a booty call and move on.

    When I was 18 I was head over heels for a guy. He was the first guy I regularly hooked up with. He met a girl, came back to me when they would split. Eventually, he would cheat on her with me but I had this "he was mine first' mentality.

    Now he is married to her but he's not faithful, haven' talked to him in a long time. In the end, I was just a booty call and he was never interested in a relationship...
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
    :noway: This is all way too complicated for me. It's only Monday!! :sad:
  • MichaelVRenner
    MichaelVRenner Posts: 92 Member
    njean888,

    I would just stay out of the drama and try to redirect your friends energy in a different manner and try to make her forget. You have witnessed how your friend reacts to being slighted. If you add any more revelations, it will only grow exponentially.

    Needless to say, in my opinion, you are not a bad friend. I am sure your intentions in the beginning was to let her be happy if she is happy.

    Relax...
  • pawnstarNate
    pawnstarNate Posts: 1,728 Member
    Meh....don't worry about Vivian. Phil has wandering eyes and they will soon be splitsville. Just tell your friend to chill, wait it out and Vivian will be out of the picture. Then she can go back to sleeping with phil again for a few months before he finds someone else.
  • bamadwl
    bamadwl Posts: 111 Member
    Yes....wait, no......maybe. What was the question again?
  • str8bowbabe
    str8bowbabe Posts: 712 Member
    :noway: This is all way too complicated for me. It's only Monday!! :sad:

    ^^^This...I mean I thought me day was not so great.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    If Vivian is the kind of person who makes fake Facebook pages to torment others, why would you want to be friends with her?

    My thoughts exactly. Effin' crazy.
  • BeanQueen3000
    BeanQueen3000 Posts: 161
    Is this what having a social life is like?
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,223 Member
    I'd distance myself from the crazy *kitten* who is create facebook accounts. WTF?

    Tell your friend to go to therapy, she sounds like she's love-addicted. Why the heck does she wanna be with someone who treats her so poorly?!

    After all of that YOU should go out to the spa after dealing with that hot mess. UGH!
  • kkzmom11
    kkzmom11 Posts: 220 Member
    I agree to just stay outta the whole mess. it's between Phil, Vivian (his wife, poor soul), and your friend. you shouldn't need or want to choose sides.
  • TX_Rhon
    TX_Rhon Posts: 1,549 Member
    at this point most internet forums would require a Rule #1 on the two friends so we could adequately pass judgement.

    (Rule #1 being you mentioned a female, you post a pic of them).

    No........Rule #1 is never date a fireman! SMH!

    Your loyalty should be with your original (first) friend. However........she probably knew what she was getting into and that's on her. She is lashing out at you because of your friendship - it's comfortable to be mad at you.
  • Sinisterly
    Sinisterly Posts: 10,913 Member
    If Vivian is the kind of person who makes fake Facebook pages to torment others, why would you want to be friends with her?

    My thoughts exactly. Effin' crazy.
    And this is why I haven't even bothered to post until now.
  • badgerdh
    badgerdh Posts: 179 Member
    Weren't Vivian and Phil the parents from Fresh Prince of Bel Air???
  • tazhinshaw
    tazhinshaw Posts: 297 Member
    I like the names you gave them. Phil and Vivian. Is there a nephew named Will?

    Seriously though, that sucks that you're being pulled into the middle like that.
  • suziepoo1984
    suziepoo1984 Posts: 915 Member
    This is just my opinion, but i am just that way!
    I would have told Vivian what she did was wrong and she had no right to do that to your friend. If she apologized, then i would see where to take it next

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