I need... well, I guess I'm not sure what I need

penguinfan03 · November 2010

I'll get right to the point.

In April 2010, I weighed 185 pounds and at only 5' 2" on a tall day I felt like a fat lazy blob. Most of it is weight gained when I had my son, so I was comfortable with how I got there, but not with the fact that it had taken me almost 3 years to decide it was time to be healthy again. I just couldn't take it anymore. So... I bought a Jillian Michaels DVD and started going to the farmers market and counting calories as if my life depended on it, worked my rear end off and lost 30 pounds in 4 months. When August rolled around I was fitting in a size 12, and happy with where things were going.

With the unexpected death of a close family member on August 25th, I lost every ounce of motivation I had. I couldn't make myself exercise, I ate whatever was handy or not at all... to put it bluntly, I stopped functioning like a normal human being. I'm now finding myself back up by 14 pounds and wondering how I could let it get that way.

The worst part is this - I know what I need to be doing, I know what I'm doing wrong, and I seem to be physically incapable to changing my behavior. Thursday night I was alone in my living room (hubby is away hunting, little one was sleeping) crying my eyes out as I still do occassionaly over the whole crappy situation, and I got up off my couch at 2 in the morning and made a bag of broccoli cheddar pasta side stuff, and ate the whole thing. I knew I shouldn't be doing it for a thousand reasons, I knew I would feel terrible about it later, and then the guilt makes me hungry, and I start again. If I don't get back on track I'm going to be right back where I started in no time, but I don't know how to stop myself. Constant snacking and a compulsion to eat when I know I'm not hungry is destroying all my hard work, and it just makes me feel that much worse knowing how successful I was over those 4 months and how capable I really can be.

And now I feel whiney for this post, but I need to get some help somehow, so I'd better go ahead with it. Anyone ever been in the same boat? What did you do to get it together??

Lisa1971 · November 2010

I know how you feel. I can be on top of the world with my weight loss and when something bad happens I just don't care anymore. I just want to eat to take care of the pain, even though I KNOW it's not healthy. I don't have any advice but I just wanted to send you some big hugs. We're all in this together and I've found that MFP is an excellent form of therapy. Hang in there!!!:flowerforyou:

efalcon1 · November 2010

I kinda know what your going through, had a real tough time lately with 4 deaths in my family within a month. Like you my healthy eating has pretty much gone out of the window. It does make you feel more depressed like a vicious circle. My only advice is look back to how good you felt in your size 12's and the positivity from all the great people on this site. Most have gone through bad patches. One of the reasons we're on here to begin with xx good luck xx

daryls · November 2010

I'm sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to grieve and then move forward. An unexpected death can also be a motivator - getting healthy and living your life to the best of your ability, everyday counts!

Also, exercising should increase your endorphins and improve your mood. Exercise and eating healthy are great steps towards getting back to where you were before.

Best of luck!!!

2bFitNTrim · November 2010

Food is not your problem, your sadness is. The food is just a symptom. A counselor or clergy may be in order to deal with your loss and sadness. God bless you, I've lifted you up in prayer:flowerforyou:

hisgirlie2007 · November 2010

Instead of looking at "I was doing awesome, now I can't do anything", try to make goals each day. "I will not eat after 8 pm" or "I will eat fruits/veggies before junk food" or even "I will talk to someone about this, I will get better". There are rough times in everyone's lives. Things set us backward, take all the wind out of our sails and throw us back a few steps. I'm not minimizing what happened for you, but remember you're not alone, people will be able to understand what you're feeling and maybe help you stop feeling that way. Focus on doing things that make you feel like you're making progress.:flowerforyou: keep your chin up.

vickiele1 · November 2010

I'll get right to the point.

In April 2010, I weighed 185 pounds and at only 5' 2" on a tall day I felt like a fat lazy blob. Most of it is weight gained when I had my son, so I was comfortable with how I got there, but not with the fact that it had taken me almost 3 years to decide it was time to be healthy again. I just couldn't take it anymore. So... I bought a Jillian Michaels DVD and started going to the farmers market and counting calories as if my life depended on it, worked my rear end off and lost 30 pounds in 4 months. When August rolled around I was fitting in a size 12, and happy with where things were going.

With the unexpected death of a close family member on August 25th, I lost every ounce of motivation I had. I couldn't make myself exercise, I ate whatever was handy or not at all... to put it bluntly, I stopped functioning like a normal human being. I'm now finding myself back up by 14 pounds and wondering how I could let it get that way.

The worst part is this - I know what I need to be doing, I know what I'm doing wrong, and I seem to be physically incapable to changing my behavior. Thursday night I was alone in my living room (hubby is away hunting, little one was sleeping) crying my eyes out as I still do occassionaly over the whole crappy situation, and I got up off my couch at 2 in the morning and made a bag of broccoli cheddar pasta side stuff, and ate the whole thing. I knew I shouldn't be doing it for a thousand reasons, I knew I would feel terrible about it later, and then the guilt makes me hungry, and I start again. If I don't get back on track I'm going to be right back where I started in no time, but I don't know how to stop myself. Constant snacking and a compulsion to eat when I know I'm not hungry is destroying all my hard work, and it just makes me feel that much worse knowing how successful I was over those 4 months and how capable I really can be.

And now I feel whiney for this post, but I need to get some help somehow, so I'd better go ahead with it. Anyone ever been in the same boat? What did you do to get it together??

Okay, this is probably going to sound like one of those commercials on television "depression hurts." having said that, it does hurt. And grief and loss are very real. Everyone deals with the loss of someone close in different ways. My oldest brother passed away in June - it was devastating to me - I tear up just thinking about how much I miss him and how I wish I had spent more time with him. The reality is that most people experience the effects of grief for about 3 - 6 months. If you experience "normal" grief, you will likely feel tearful frequently and will often experience fatigue and lack of motivation. If, however, this begins to have a significant impact on your life and you experience an inability or a lack of desire to just function in your world, you are likely at a place you will need some professional help. Normal grief and loss does have an impact on every day functioning, but not to the extent that "depression" has. Some individuals who seek treatment may need help for an extended amount of time. Most only need assistance for a few months, however. Recognizing the need to do something different is a good sign - I would encourage you to at least see your medical profession to evaluate where you fall in the grief/loss - depression scale. Please, though, give yourself time to heal. Many times, we, as mothers, wives, caretakers, don't allow ourselves enough time to grieve - we force ourselves to be stoic and to buck up to provide support for those who depend on us and totally forget that we too are people who have very real needs and emotions. Allowing yourself the time to grieve may be all that is needed for you. If, however, these symptoms continue - then please see your medical professional.

Blessings

Vickie

penguinfan03 · November 2010

You guys are wonderful, thank you. I had actually made an appointment with a therapist for next week just in case - I am just usually really on top of things and am having a hard time accepting that I really might need some help here. I'm going to get back to the calorie counting this week, go to my appointment on Wednesday and stop pretending like everything is ok. And do some serious deep breathing... lol.

Jillian0708 · November 2010

You guys are wonderful, thank you. I had actually made an appointment with a therapist for next week just in case - I am just usually really on top of things and am having a hard time accepting that I really might need some help here. I'm going to get back to the calorie counting this week, go to my appointment on Wednesday and stop pretending like everything is ok. And do some serious deep breathing... lol.

Hi .. i have a little help though it took me years to figure out i had a serious issue i hope it doesnt take you that long .
In 2006 i lost my son i went into a self medicating mode with food . i was sad i ate i was happy i ate i was bored i ate but mostly everytime i thought of him i ate .. trying to fill the hole that was in my heart .. and food obviously never could. i went through this self medicating for years i gained over 150 pounds and with every pound i became more depressed and then because i was depressed i ate ... yes vicious circle...
I started seeing a therapist and the main thing she has taught me is
Food is not your friend nor your enemy but an aquaintance . yes you need food to live but you dont need food to "feel" better bc usually after you try to feel better with food you feel worse.... I was seeing a therapist for 3 years before i felt mentally ready for weightloss(although i did have children in those years) i still wasnt coping correctly with my pain. now i have learned a few things and with my therapists help i have found alternatives to stuffing my face everytime i think of him and is immediatly connected to the pain i felt. and kind of still feel. whenever i feel like i am going to overindulge do to that reason i write him a letter and keep it in a box.. i tell him everything about why i am feeling this way and why i want to over eat and usually by the end of it i no longer have the urge to eat because i have seen the reasons on paper and feel a little better i have a box under my bed where i keep them . I obviously know its not like he will ever read them but its my way of keeping my feelings and over eating in control ...

well i hope this helped at all and if not then i just got to vent a little ..
hope you get feeling better

JeanneTops · November 2010

I think talking it over with a professional is a great idea. It's not that you "can't handle it by myself". You wouldn't think that you could get over a broken limb or an ulcer or an inflamed appendix "by yourself." If you had constant stomach pain or your arm hurt all the time, you'd go see a doctor for a diagnosis. That's what going to see a professional therapist is all about - getting a diagnosis and, if needed, a treatment plan.

You've already demonstrated by your weight loss that you are quite capable of living a healthy lifestyle. Why should the death of a loved one and the grief that follows destroy that on a long term basis? It shouldn't. I don't mean "shouldn't" in terms of "you are a weak, possibly immoral, person because you haven't". I mean "shouldn't" in terms of your brain has probably undergone a minor malfunction because of the shock and grief you've undergone. ("Hey, I fell down and now my arm hurts all the time and I've stopped using it and and keep clutching it to my chest constantly.")

You know that controlling your eating and staying motivated to exercise regularly is hard mental and emotional work. Think of your brain as if it were a muscle or bone (actually, it's an organ so think of it as your gall bladder or kidney :-) Strong emotions affect your brain so don't be surprised if you're not up to that regular mental/emotional work. But as several months have gone by and you're not slowing improving, then yes, go see a professional in brain fitness (otherwise known as therapists.)

But start by working on controlling your guilty feelings about your lack of eating control and exercise motivation. That guilt is not helping your brain to heal. You wouldn't bang on a sore arm to make yourself use it, don't bang on your brain either. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. And, yes, keep breathing.

superwmn · November 2010

I was in your boat and frequently have to fight repeating old, familiar patterns of using food for comfort. Please click on my profile and read my blog, starting with part one. I think you may see yourself in what I experienced.

There is help and I'd love to talk more if you need/want

Charmagne

penguinfan03 · November 2010

I had to sort of chuckle today at the irony.... due to the recent loss my family has experienced and I guess the wounds being too fresh they have decided to cancel that family Thanksgiving. Which means less family support... but also less food. Ha.

I need... well, I guess I'm not sure what I need

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