Is this becoming an 'unhealthy' healthy addiction for me??

noble1987
noble1987 Posts: 132
edited September 22 in Motivation and Support
The things that I'm experiencing on my journey to a ‘healthier me’ is a bit difficult to explain... so I apologise if this make no sense. :ohwell:

I’ve been using MFP (on and off) for about a year now, I’ve managed to lose 15lbs so far.
Sometimes I seem to go through a period of doing really well, then suddenly... one slip of a binging event turns into a downwards spiral of ‘just wanting to give up’ …until I pluck up the courage to pick myself up again, and finish where I left off.
It seems like a continuous battle, when I'm moving – I'm not moving very fast and as I'm sure most of you know, it’s tiring and so unbelievably difficult.

These last 3 weeks I can positively say that I’ve given it my all, I’ve given it my everything! I even purchased a Polar HRM and started jogging on my lunch breaks to try and shift the excess weight. But the problem is, I’m worried I’m becoming addicted to ‘trying to be thin’. The main reason this has crossed my mind is because every time I eat something I shouldn’t, I start to feel like a failure so much so I feel sick in the pit of my stomach and guilt takes over. I know I’m pathetic…. :cry:

What is wrong with me? I’ve learnt so much using MFP and as people all rightly say “we can’t all beat our cravings 24/7 and sometimes you need to give in once in a while in order to succeed” I know it should have been a case of “You’ve eaten it now, so get over it and move on because tomorrow is another day” but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let it go. So much so that… (And I'm highly embarrassed to admit this), but I made myself sick! “I know the shame”.:embarassed:
I’ve never done it before, I'm not bulimic, but I was so relived after, that the guilt left me.:sick:

I'm so afraid I might do it again. I’m so afraid that I'm pushing myself WAY TOO hard and that its going to back fire sometime soon.

I'm just 1 step away from my goal; I’ve never been so close… so why am I pushing my body to absolute limit and more. I know these things take time, but its killing me, I just want to be thin again and happy. I wish I could love myself a bit more, and then maybe I wouldn’t be feeling like punishment is the only way forward. How do I stop playing these silly mind games with myself???

I need the courage... :indifferent:

Please respect I’ve had the guts to tell you all this, I beg you don’t judge me. But any support or encouragement you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Claire x
:flowerforyou:

Replies

  • grouch201
    grouch201 Posts: 404 Member
    I can't take credit for what I am about to post. It was written by a friend of mine, but it so brilliantly captures the mindset so many of us have towards changing our eating behavior. Take what you want from it:

    "You don't need to be perfect. You just need to know that as long as your trajectory is good, then a bad meal or a bad day doesn't matter, you are still on your way to a better place.

    "Now. What if you slip? What if you give in to temptation?

    "Think of your eating, or your weight loss as traffic rules. You have to stop when you get to a stop sign or a red light. You have to go the speed limit, you have to play nice on the road with others.

    "Lets say you DO give in to temptation, what then? (and you DO know that the only way to truly eliminate temptation is to give in to it, right?)

    "So lets say you give into temptation and eat poorly. Well, lets also say that you get pulled over for speeding and get a speeding ticket. Will you then say "screw it" and ignore all of the traffic rules for the rest of the day or week? "Well screw it, I got a ticket so I am just going to run red lights, speed, and try to run over every pedestrian I see for the rest of the day. I am going to drive ANGRY and break every rule I can! Might as well start driving by the rules tomorrow morning."

    "Does that sound even REMOTELY sane?

    "I would suggest that if you broke a traffic law that you would probably be even more sensitive to the other laws for the rest of the day at least. If not the rest of the week.

    "And remember this weight loss is for the rest of your life, not just today and tomorrow. We only TRACK it day by day because it is an easy interval for us to measure. So the "Start tomorrow" needs to be "Start Now" as it all adds up in the end.

    "The week is upon us. If you get pulled over and given a ticket because of poor eating choices (and it is YOUR choice. You didn't get lured.) take a deep breath and remember that you still have to follow the rules. Take another deep breath, and gently merge back out into oncoming eating...."

    And here's the link if you want to see it in all of it's published glory:

    http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3793579
  • 2bFitNTrim
    2bFitNTrim Posts: 1,209 Member
    My opinion, with love :heart: . Okay, slimming down for health reasons and to look good is great, but I think we all need to remember it's NOT the only thing in our life that is important. I struggle with this sometimes too, so this is why I say WE. We need to be focused on what we eat and how we take care of ourselves, but what about the rest of our lives? Work? Family? Hobbies? Friends? Yes, it can become an unhealthy obsession, and if you've made yourself sick...even just once..... that is a *warning* sign that you are treading into dangerous waters. You seem to know this, hence, your post. Please understand one thing: you can be overweight and unhappy, but you can be thin and unhappy too. We must find balance in our lives. If you must, seek counseling and don't feel ashamed. None of us is perfect. Love to you :flowerforyou:
  • NatalieWinning
    NatalieWinning Posts: 999 Member
    You can loose the weight. If you are very close to the goal then GREAT!! You worked hard for that! And you deserve it!

    Being thin is not the thing that makes you happy in life. Not the answer to all your problems. That will take some other kinds of work from you to change that negative track in your head to positive stuff. How to do that is pretty individual. Start by feeling good about your success. Take every negative thought and examine it, then replace it with the good things. Get some profesional help. You may be sabatoging your happiness and need help changing that, or you may actually need mood medication. There is no shame in that. If you were diabetic, you would not be afraid to do what you needed to do to live with it. So consider it something you found out that needs work.

    Congrats on keeping at it! That takes a huge amount of tenacity!
  • NewImprovedCnbethea1
    NewImprovedCnbethea1 Posts: 1,108
    Don't look at this as a mission to be thin look at it as a mission to form healthy habits! Looking at it only to lose weight brings on many additional issues such as thinking diet, feeling guilty, binging, and giving up!! Look at each day and find something poositive you did to get closer at winning at being healthy even if it was only one less bite of a snickers it's one less than you would have taken. You have to applaud yourself for the baby steps because they are going to be what builds you to the bigger steps and keeping a running track of this bring along weightloss than great just don'tmake it your center focus I read this qupte on someone signature and I put it on my mirror and read it pretty much daily!

    "If you focus on results you will never change, but if you focus on change you will see results!!"

    Wishing you well on your journey don't be too hard on yourself!!!
  • dmcohee
    dmcohee Posts: 99 Member
    Please please don't do that again! I can definitely understand how you feel. When I first got serious about losing the weight I was very strict. I drove my husband crazy always talking about calories, but it was the only thing that ever worked for me. I would allow myself to give in once and a while, but what I would do is get a crazy good workout in so that I could spare the calories, or I would make sure i made up for it the following day with a workout. Then I feel good about eating it because I've earned it, instead of feeling guilty.
  • heathersmilez
    heathersmilez Posts: 2,579 Member
    You should be worried about food obsession. I can admit that has definitely happened to me and I’m no where close to wanting to cure myself, I can admit it but don’t intend on stopping it until I’m successful.

    I weighed a little more in high school and University but always healthy with a BMI of 23-24 at my absolute highest and I never thought about what I was eating. That being said I never bought fast food (cause I’m cheap) but I didn’t analyze the nitty gritty sour keys or occasional muffin either. I then first started exercising in 4th year of University (2005) and weight just fell off. I became very active exercising for the next 4 years but didn't go nuts tracking my calories. I ended up with a BMI of 20.5 my lightest ever then gained 8 lbs on my honeymoon (AYCE cruise, enough said lol ;) in August 2009 and started here on MFP. Since then it’s been a crazy yo yo of constantly thinking about food, obsessed with logging, depriving myself of normal food and then eating too much on cheat-Saturdays. Now my husband is worried.

    I don't plan on stopping the logging b/c I am officially addicted but I do have to stop weekend binges.

    Looks like I'm the only one in the world that hasn't benefited from logging, its definitely hurt me mentally and has become too much of an obsession.

    Best of luck to you, you are not the only one. To those above who said "look at it like a change to healthy behaviour and not being skinny" that doesn't work for those of us who are healthy, who don't have many bad habits to amend (I'm addicted to All-Bran, that’s my cheat-food so see? I have gone a little nutty) and who are told by the general public we are skinny (just cause of my height) despite now feeling uncomfortable in our clothes due to small weight gains.
  • kasmir8199
    kasmir8199 Posts: 507 Member
    A majority of us are guilty of this in one form or another. We all have our goals and a certain body image we're striving for and whether we admit to it or not, we often give in, feel bad about it, and feel sick afterward. We even purge. Mind you, purging doesn't always have to involve vomiting. Purging can be excessive exercise. It's any method to rid the body of what we took in (and if we kill ourselves in the gym to make up for a night of indulgence, we're, in essence, purging those calories).

    Talking about your concerns is the second step toward "recovery", the 1st being admitting to the concern.

    We're all here for you. You are amazingly strong and so obviously dedicated that you should be very proud of your accomplishments thus far. Continue to find the best practices in your journey. You can overcome anything! :o)
  • superwmn
    superwmn Posts: 936
    I could be wrong, but I see a lot of myself in your story. When I feel the way you feel (like a failure if I'm not achieving diet and exercise perfection), I take a step back and remind myself that my self worth is in no way connected to being thin. Value who you are independent of your dress size and the obsession will fall away.

    Charmagne
  • goodjobrunner
    goodjobrunner Posts: 7 Member
    Thanks for sharing that Grouch. I think that is a healthy and good way to think about it all. I will be remembering that.
  • Juicey1401
    Juicey1401 Posts: 126 Member
    bumped for later reading.
  • dmcohee
    dmcohee Posts: 99 Member

    I don't plan on stopping the logging b/c I am officially addicted but I do have to stop weekend binges.

    Looks like I'm the only one in the world that hasn't benefited from logging, its definitely hurt me mentally and has become too much of an obsession.

    I am right with you. I have been maintaining my weight for about a year and a half now. I continue using MFP so that I don't gain the weight back. On weekends I go completely off and eat what I want, and even what I don't want. So I keep my calorie allowance low and work out almost every day during the week to make up for it. I do need to break this cycle though. Come Monday I physically feel like crap from eating junk, and I would like to lose another 10 pounds. If I could just chill on the weekends I know I could meet my goal.
  • melodys_attic
    melodys_attic Posts: 114 Member
    What a great inspiration! I let go yesterday. My darling and my precious daughter have been on a road trip for two weeks. The heaviness just got to be too much. Our household is a big operation and they are my main helpers. It's been such hard slogging. Also, they had the car, so i did got lots of extra walking in, but had times when I needed help getting places or getting things places and asking others for help (like drives) is tough for this old introvert. Throughout I have hung on. I have resisted the temptation to buy a huge pizza and live on that and chips like I used to do whenever my darling went away. I've cooked and fed my family healthy food. I've exercised. It was all pretty good. Then BANG! Yesterday some tube popped. I ate a fried chicken sandwich and fries at Wendy's for lunch. I went to my BFF's for supper and ate everything she gave me: lamb stew, creamy cole slaw, and a HUGE slab of german honey cake slathered with whipped cream. Honestly, these are not things I would normally ever eat. I eat meat maybe 2 or 3 times a year, not 2 or three times a DAY! But I came home that evening and said STOP RIGHT NOW! I plugged the whole embarassment into my food diary. I was almost 1100 calories OVER! So I spent the evening drinking spicy tea and planning the veggie soups and salads I'll eat this week. I've also put my back out because it's been me who has had to carry wood in for the woodstove, rake and bag leaves, do all the sweeping and vacuuming, carry the food home from the market etc. etc. But I'm going to exercise this week. I am. I figure I have an extra 1000 calories to burn in the next few days to make up for my failure to stop at the stop sign yesterday.
    Thanks for being out there everyone xo
  • 4lafz
    4lafz Posts: 1,078 Member
    Dear MFP friend:

    I understand, I have been there too. This is what's different about my journey "this time".

    I am fully understanding that this is real life and, in real life, we have occasions and events and "just because we want it days". I now understand that when I have those days, I will work out and eat well the rest of the week in order to make up for "lifes little splurges".

    I understand now that I cannot deprive myself of everything or I won't stick to it. I am finding new alternatives to eat and drink so I'm happy and not feeling deprived. I am having treats EVERY day - just like I used to - but in moderation and fitting into my calories.

    This is a habit changing journey, for me, and I understand that I have to live like this forever - so I have to make it work. While we will get more calories on maintenance, I will still have to work out AND eat right. No more "diet" and going back to eating a ton of unhealthy food for me!

    While the journey of losing the weight is really hard - some days more than others - I understand that I will lose SLOWLY and keep this weight off because my eating habits will not really change drastically.

    Good luck, my friend :-)
  • Sweet13_Princess
    Sweet13_Princess Posts: 1,207 Member
    Everyone here has already posted great details from the fountain of wisdom, so I'll just say one thing. We have good days and bad days. The only way we can live our lives to the fullest potential is to move on from those bad days and try again.

    We support you and know you can do it!
    Shannon
  • turbojanem
    turbojanem Posts: 285
    for me, until i was willing to admit that food is my addiction i was not able to get my head and heart in the game where it needed to be for a healthy lifestyle. my addiction is a heart issue. something i couldn't do alone. i had to get help. my prayer is that you not walk this road alone. that you don't seek help just from your MFP friends. your supportive family members and friends and doctor are your best friends when fighting addiction.

    when my heart got in line with God, then and only then my addiction got under control and in proper perspective. i have to DAILY keep in check my motives, heart and actions.

    healthy living does not mean a number on the scale or a size of pant you are able to wear comfortably. it is a balance:
    BODY -eating healthy foods to fuel your body to move like you want to, not eating anything and everything that crosses your path or mind.
    MIND -keeping in perspective goal and actions. healthy goals and actions. healthy.
    SOUL -heart/Jesus

    keeping life in check means daily evaluating how you are staying balanced and having accountability with someone that will ask you the tough questions. be honest with yourself and your accountability partner. we, as humans, were created for relational living. we can't do healthy living alone.

    my prayers are with you. today and always.
    Jane
  • rnroadrunner
    rnroadrunner Posts: 402 Member
    WOW! your bravery in posting your innerself is amazing. My heart goes out to you. Please seek help now. Focus on the positive things in your life and remember it is okay to make mistakes. dust your self off and get on living your life.
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