Trying to change my life for the better but...

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Azra124
Azra124 Posts: 39
in Motivation and Support
I've spent most of my life as a victim of abuse. I finally got the courage and strength to leave my abusers, their enablers and the other toxic people in my life.
Now that I'm free from them, I feel that I can finally become the person I was meant to be and have a happy, positive life. I've reconnected with my faith, started a weight loss journey and I've begun to change out the unhealthy habits I had for healthy ones.

My husband has also been a victim of abusers - he got rid of his abusers a little while ago - some time after I got rid of mine. I thought we were on the same page, but now...that isn't so clear.

He has recently gotten new friends. They are immoral and behave in ways similar to that of our previous abusers. He constantly talks about them to me, always bringing up traits about that that he KNOWS I don't admire. I feel like he's just replaced his old toxic people with new, sightly less toxic people.

When I started my weight loss journey and said that I would be eating healthier, he seemed happy for me. He offered to join me in my new eating habits. I told him he didn't have to, and he INSISTED that he would eat the same healthy foods I would. He also constantly offers to workout with me, but somehow it never falls through. I've waited for him several times after he assured me that he would workout with me and I would end up waiting too long and getting too tired.
The other day, he came home with a large doughnut box, and two huge bags of chips. I tried not to let him see how hurt I was that he didn't follow through with what he said he would do.

I feel guilty that I'm upset over it, too. I DID say that he didn't have to join me. Maybe I should just ignore what he does and try to work on me for a while. I just wish I could rely on him for support. :frown:

Replies

  • charliex2202
    charliex2202 Posts: 4,281 Member
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    I admire your strength for writing this post... I was in a similar situation with my ex fiance he started this journey with me, and at first was supportive and started to cut back on his portion sizes, excercise more etc.. then he gave up and instead of just him giving up he expected me to as well so much so that he would bring cakes chocolate takeaways home all the time and get annoyed if I didn't eat it which began to cause huge arguments and un needed stress... I didn't back down I am doing this for me myself and I...!

    My advice is this: The changes that you are making are for you, no one else..don't give up and don't let him see how frustrated he is making you because in the long run you are the one who will make yourself happy with the successes that you WILL achieve,

    ~Charlie
  • 48Tara
    48Tara Posts: 10
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    It is difficult when others in the home don't have the same goals, but it isn't impossible. You can and need to do this soley for yourself! One day at a time, you are responsible for your own actions, don't wait on anybody to exercise, just get moving because you are worth it! Pray for the strength you need and you will come out a winner! Don't look back, today is the day, you are empowered to make changes. Have a good day, and keep moving, because ulitimately at the end of the day it is about choices you made and no one else!
  • Rizabees
    Rizabees Posts: 80
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    It's tough to go it alone in your house, my husband is not on the same diet as I am.

    Just work on you right now. Maybe ask a friend to by your gym buddy.

    Also, talk to him if you haven't. If he still insists he'll work out with you, tell him you'll wait 5-10 minutes max and then do your own thing.

    Good luck.
  • GEMMA_2014
    GEMMA_2014 Posts: 81
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    I learned a valuable lesson this year when my husband had cancer and was cured. He still smokes. Drives me nuts.

    The lesson I learned is that everyone should live and die they way they want to. I set boundaries, no smoking in my car, no smoking in my house and no smoking in any area where I can smell it.

    Let your husband decide when he want to change.

    You continue to live the way you want to live and take care of you mind, heart and body.
    He may join in and he may not.
    That does not make him a bad guy. I just makes him human.

    Enjoy taking care of yourself and your joy will radiate to other.

    You do not have to eat the junk he brings home, Its not personal .
  • sierrarein
    sierrarein Posts: 1 Member
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    I think you answered your own question in the last paragraph. In my experience, you cannot change the behavior of someone else - you can only change your own choices, no matter how hard you persuade and seemingly "nag." If the other person chooses to take your advice and change themselves, great. I say concentrate on YOU and YOUR CHOICES, politely decline to play along with his eating habits and stick to your own (celebrating once in a while when special indulgences can be decided upon for special nights). If anything, lead by example. That's the only way to protect your own health, energy, self-respect and well-being. And if you get any guilt from him for making your own choices, be firm and smile, saying "this is what my decision is, for my own body, to eat this because it's healthy. If you wish, join me." Love yourself a little more than trying to please him. And if he feels left out, ask him why and listen, but don't feel you have to change your behavior to make him feel better about himself. YOU CAN DO IT!
  • Azra124
    Azra124 Posts: 39
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    Thank you for the replies.

    I haven't tried to force him or make him diet or exercise with me. He said that he would - and didn't. That was hurtful to me. When he says he'll do something, he usually does it.

    I will keep on trying to make my life better for me and keep coming on this site for support if I can't get it in real life.

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