Will Power with Lack of Support at Home

AshTrixxy · January 2014

I let my husband talk me into indulging more than I should. I swear that he is my Achilles heel! I understand that I am on this journey with or without him. It would be nice if he would be on this journey with me, but he is a big boy and make those choices on his own. It's just so easy to indulge as it is and he is able to just nudge me over the precipice.

Even when I was doing Jenny Craig and lost almost 40 pounds (half of which I've gained back), he was only semi-supportive. He wants me to be healthy, but not necessarily lose weight. He likes me body how it is, even though I feel disgusting in my own skin. It's wonderful that he loves me the way I am, but I want to change my body for the better.

How does anyone else find the will-power to defy their loved ones promoting bad habits? I definitely need help in that area because when I put my foot down its like a little kid stomping with insistence opposed to a grown woman standing up for herself.

MarkTown · January 2014

I think you're making your husband a scapegoat. He didn't shoved food down your throat. Next time if he pushes, take a bite and tell him that its enough. You have a great tool at MFP to track how much you can "indulge" and you have a decent bit of room to indulge I think.

As for will power, that is just something as an adult we need to learn. Part of growing up. It sucks.

Spindrift2012 · January 2014

Unfortunately you do have to just be strong. And say 'no thank you'. Or plan in a few treats so that you can join in sometimes.

I also try to think about how I am feeling at that time. We get into the habit of eating snacks in the evening. We encourage each other into it. I am trying at the moment to remember that I am not hungry and therefore turn it down.

Or get yourself some low calorie version of the foods instead - so have popcorn instead of potato chips for example. You get a snack but its healthy.

dying_2b_skin3 · January 2014

I am totally with you on this!! My partner and i started slimming world just before xmas and he lost a stone and a half and i could see he was really proud of himself. I lost nearly a stone a felt great! a week before xmas he decided that for 2 weeks we will be off plan and eat sensibly but have a few more indulgences than previously. I put on half a stone =( and as an extra kick in the teeth he only put on half a pound. he is now refusing to go back to slimming world and had taken the approach of well i dont put weight on easy so ill carry on indulging. His choice you may say? well no! He buys me doughnuts to say i love you (problem is i cant stop at one) and even when i set out a meal plan he ignores it and cooks fatty foods fro when i get home from work. I have a history of binge eating which was fine when there was only healthy food in the house. so to be fare no he doesnt hold me at gun point and make me eat those doughnuts but i have no willpower what so ever so having them there just tips me. add me as a friend if you like and perhaps we can mail each other on here when we get our week moments? good luck to you x

AshTrixxy · January 2014

I am totally with you on this!! My partner and i started slimming world just before xmas and he lost a stone and a half and i could see he was really proud of himself. I lost nearly a stone a felt great! a week before xmas he decided that for 2 weeks we will be off plan and eat sensibly but have a few more indulgences than previously. I put on half a stone =( and as an extra kick in the teeth he only put on half a pound. he is now refusing to go back to slimming world and had taken the approach of well i dont put weight on easy so ill carry on indulging. His choice you may say? well no! He buys me doughnuts to say i love you (problem is i cant stop at one) and even when i set out a meal plan he ignores it and cooks fatty foods fro when i get home from work. I have a history of binge eating which was fine when there was only healthy food in the house. so to be fare no he doesnt hold me at gun point and make me eat those doughnuts but i have no willpower what so ever so having them there just tips me. add me as a friend if you like and perhaps we can mail each other on here when we get our week moments? good luck to you x

Thanks for not being judgy! It is hard because for so long people in our lives have showed love through food. In fact, that's how I was raised. Showing love through taking someone out to dinner, buying someone chocolates, or giving them a sweet treat. And it's rude to not accept or be appreciative. So now that I'm trying to stay away from those bad foods, I'm also trying to change a way in which we show love for one another. It's just hard to explain without sounding ridiculous... .

4legsRbetterthan2 · January 2014

It is hard and I am lucky in the my guy seems to really get it and be helpful. Some tips I have learned, does he have a mancave/his area you really don't go? Have him store his bad treats there and he can go there if he wants cookies or whatever but then they are out of you sight, even better if he can pick them up on the DL so you don't even realize they are there. Start dropping some hints and/or flat out telling him what would make you happeir, "I love that you are thinking about me, can you pick up flowers instead of chocolates to show it" kinda thing. I do all the cooking in our house so I try to plan meals we both will enjoy, but since he is a fast food aholic I have also been known to say I am cooking xyz for dinner, you can join me or go get your own food and we will hang out later. Its ok to do stuff a little seperately sometimes and sometimes thats what it takes. Don't forget that you have to be happy with yourself to be a successful partner so taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your relationship.

AshTrixxy · January 2014

Those are some really great tips, thank you!

jendot14 · January 2014

Ohh I am also SO with you on this!!

My husband is as skinny as a stick...but he eats like a HORSE! Honestly he does not stop. He will easily consume 2000 calories of an evening. He gets home at 8pm to a massive portion of dinner (literally 3 times the size of my dinner) then he has crisps, fruit, cheese & biscuits..you name it, if he can find it he eats it! Usually he stops eating at about 10-10.30pm. I can't tell you how awful it is! I have set the rule that after my dinner (around 6.30-7pm) I don't eat anything..not a bite or a taste..nothing. That way I can't be tempted, bribed, encouraged etc But sometimes his food just smells ohh so good!
Now I am being so careful I can see how much I have been over eating, because he eats so much, even eating smaller amounts from him seemed normal. But now I am weighing and counting my portions and snacks were just way over what I needed.

I don't really have any advice. Just that you have to have sheer will power to stick to your plan even when he isn't. How would he respond if you actually spoke with him about it and how much you would like him to support you? I recently got an elliptical for the spare room which I use every morning. For the first week he ribbed my about how bad I was at it (yes I was really awful!) one day I actually just said to him in a temper that he wasn't helping, how hard I was trying and that I needed him to stop or I would fail. He was really upset because he had just been joking about, he hadn't realised that I would take it all so personally.

Stick to it

sillyvalentine · January 2014

Don't blame your lack of will power on anyone else. They didn't hold a gun to your head and make you overeat. You did that all on your own. You need to be stronger and keep reminding yourself what you want more, a good body or a big meal.

MIND OVER MATTER, IF YOU DON'T MIND, IT DON'T MATTER!!

Moogle_Powah · January 2014

You're not alone in this, I have the same problem and I understand exactly what you are talking about. My boyfriend loves me very much and my size is irrelevant, but to me it is a HUGE issue- I hate the way I look and feel and I am fighting hard to change it. However, weekends (which for him include Friday night) is NOT the time to be restrictive with food and fun. We both have very very stressful jobs so I get the point, but at the same time I worry when coming home from work on a Friday and seeing what he has bought for 'treats'- cakes, chocolate, crisps, bicscuits, anything and everything I am trying to limit. I say no to them, but it to him it doesn't make sense because it's time for fun and relaxing so he will keep pushing, keep asking, physically give it to me so it's right there in my lap.

We both love food, we get a lot of enjoyment out of having delicious meals together and all the bad stuff, so I know why he does it, it's deep rooted in our relationship, as destructive as it is. But, because I love him and I'm soft I won't be forceful and say no because I know what it means to him. I do my best to make sure it fits into my calories but if it doesn't I will find a way around it. If he's bought me something that I can take to work I will just put it in my bag and save it for another day. If he decides that he wants a takeout I will ALWAYS choose an option that I can control, i.e if it has to be pizza, it will be thin crust, no extra cheese, mostly chicken and veg if possible, and only eat a few slices and save the rest for tomorrow's lunch. I do the same with curry- it's lovely to have at work and it halves the calories.

I know others will judge people like you and me- they will say 'where's your willpower? Just say no, it's not that hard' or 'they clearly don't love/support you or care about your goals/your health' etc, but it's nothing to do with that. At first I thought it was sabotage because he had concerns about what it would do to us and our relationship- maybe he thought I would cheat on him or something if I felt confident and looked better, but it's not that either. It's about the enjoyment, and the act of sharing something lovely and a little bit naughty with someone you love, and they feel rejected when you say no. A lot of people who criticise don't see that, and it's always so very easy to criticise when they aren't in the same situation, so if anyone gives you grief just ignore them.

I haven't found a way to get complete control of this yet, as handling it will take a certain kind of strength that I haven't discovered, but if you need someone to get things off your chect about this then feel free to PM or friend me at any point.

sillyvalentine · January 2014

I am totally with you on this!! My partner and i started slimming world just before xmas and he lost a stone and a half and i could see he was really proud of himself. I lost nearly a stone a felt great! a week before xmas he decided that for 2 weeks we will be off plan and eat sensibly but have a few more indulgences than previously. I put on half a stone =( and as an extra kick in the teeth he only put on half a pound. he is now refusing to go back to slimming world and had taken the approach of well i dont put weight on easy so ill carry on indulging. His choice you may say? well no! He buys me doughnuts to say i love you (problem is i cant stop at one) and even when i set out a meal plan he ignores it and cooks fatty foods fro when i get home from work. I have a history of binge eating which was fine when there was only healthy food in the house. so to be fare no he doesnt hold me at gun point and make me eat those doughnuts but i have no willpower what so ever so having them there just tips me. add me as a friend if you like and perhaps we can mail each other on here when we get our week moments? good luck to you x

You can stop at one. You choose not to. Your ticker says NO EXCUSES but all I see here is you making excuses and playing the blame game.

futurefitgirl3 · January 2014

My husband use to be the same way. He would say he likes me the way I am, I look good to him. He wouldn't push me to eat food but he would sit in front of me at 9:00 at night with a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream, gooey sticky buns, milk and cookies. Things like that. He would always ask if I want some. I think he finally figured out this is important to me. I got him to start going to the gym with me. He does his own thing there, but at least he comes with me. As far as his late night snacking, he still does it but keeps it to himself. He will even sit in another room and watch tv and have his snacks. I learned that if it looks too good to resist, take a bite and walk away. Better than feeling guilty afterwards. Good luck and keep up the great work. Don't let it get you down. Just try to be in more control of your weaknesses, Improve your willpower. Just say to yourself "no, I don't want it". Take care!

aylajane · January 2014

I get it, really. I come from a family of food pushers. You can say no thank you a million times. My brother will actually shove a bite IN MY MOUTH while my lips are forming the word "No". He keeps saying "Just try it", then shoves a bite in. I have learned to say No while walking away now !!!

My general trick is to pick one of these phrases and just say it. Repeat as needed if they push. Do not think about it - that is when you give in...

"No thank you, I'm not hungry right now" (say it enough and you start believing it...)
"I am busy right now, but put it in the fridge/cabinet and I will get it later"
"Thanks so much! I just ate, so I will save this for when I get hungry later"
"Seriously, I had a big lunch and am so full I am uncomfortable. Why dont you go ahead and eat this one?"

etc... come up with a rotation and just make a habit of it. No thinking about it

If they wont give up, then after you say it the first time think of a reason to leave the room (bathroom always works).

4legsRbetterthan2 · January 2014

I would ignore sillyvalentin, she is bringing alot of negative energy in here for someone who has not made any progress yet, whatever....

AshTrixxy · January 2014

I would ignore sillyvalentin, she is bringing alot of negative energy in here for someone who has not made any progress yet, whatever....

I agree. It doesn't help anyone to be judgmental. Being brash doesn't help everyone and I prefer to surround myself with positivity. I really appreciate all of you that can sympathize with my plight and give me good suggestions.

No, my husband doesn't stuff food inside me mouth or hold a gun to my head, but he does make me feel guilty for not partaking with him. Even something simple like trying some slimfast shakes, he says "will you pls eat something, I can't see you starve yourself." And even when I tell him that I'm perfectly content, not starving myself, he presses on. It's hard sometimes to balance that comfort of yourself with the comfort of someone you love. And for anyone who has ever gone through a change while being in a relationship, you know as well as I do that at first change is just awkward and uncomfortable. So when something is uncomfortable, our partner pushes us to do the same thing we've always done and sometimes we give in to make them more comfortable.

cardbucfan · January 2014

I've been on MFP for over 3 years (had some issues last year and stress ate some of my weight back-stop nagging!) and my husband STILL does all that your husband does!

It really comes down to YOU have to find the willpower to just say no. Every weekend my husband asks me if I want doughnuts. Of course I do but I know that if I eat even one I will want sugar the rest of the day. So I say no and I flat out refuse to go get them for him. Sometimes (too many) I give in and do takeout with him but I'm actually putting my foot down on that too while I try and get this stress weight off. I spent yesterday making some healthy food I can freeze so the next time he wants crap instead of the nice dinner I have planned, he can have his crap and I can whip up something healthy for me.

I also look at some of the food and think it's just not worth the calories. He brought home three bags of peanut m&m's (one of my favorites!) and they've been sitting in the family room calling to me for three days. But even though they are yummy, they just aren't worth the calorie bomb-today. Maybe tomorrow but not right now.

My husband could seriously stand to lose 50 lbs so maybe there is a bit of sabotage going on with him or just plain self delusion "if she works out so hard and eats well and still eats this with me maybe I'm not so bad off!"

All this to say you are not alone in this but you are the one who has to withstand the temptation. Good luck!

AshTrixxy · January 2014

My husband use to be the same way. He would say he likes me the way I am, I look good to him. He wouldn't push me to eat food but he would sit in front of me at 9:00 at night with a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream, gooey sticky buns, milk and cookies. Things like that. He would always ask if I want some. I think he finally figured out this is important to me. I got him to start going to the gym with me. He does his own thing there, but at least he comes with me. As far as his late night snacking, he still does it but keeps it to himself. He will even sit in another room and watch tv and have his snacks. I learned that if it looks too good to resist, take a bite and walk away. Better than feeling guilty afterwards. Good luck and keep up the great work. Don't let it get you down. Just try to be in more control of your weaknesses, Improve your willpower. Just say to yourself "no, I don't want it". Take care!

Thanks for the motivation and you're absolutely right. It helps to know I'm not alone in this and that its a normal part of growth in a relationship. I think he is starting for figure out I'm serious. I've started kick-boxing this week and really started being serious about what I'm putting into my body. I let him talk me into meals that are higher in calories, yes, but I'm trying to find a balance and I'm recognizing it as a weakness. I am a food addict. It's a fact. Half the solution to a problem is recognizing a weakness so that you can form strategies and get support or strengthening your weakness.

sillyvalentine · January 2014

I would ignore sillyvalentin, she is bringing alot of negative energy in here for someone who has not made any progress yet, whatever....

Yeah, I don't know why my ticker isn't working but I have lost pounds, although progress isn't just measured in numbers and not all of us hang our self worth upon the scale. That aside, what I said was the truth, sorry if I didn't sugar coat it but I don't think any of us need any more sugar coating. haha.

Sometimes we can't admit the truth to ourselves and it leads to negative behavior which is what got us here in the first place. Maybe it's time for a change? Yes, the truth hurts but it's there and until we realize it, we will not be able to help ourselves.

sillyvalentine · January 2014

I would ignore sillyvalentin, she is bringing alot of negative energy in here for someone who has not made any progress yet, whatever....

I agree. It doesn't help anyone to be judgmental. Being brash doesn't help everyone and I prefer to surround myself with positivity. I really appreciate all of you that can sympathize with my plight and give me good suggestions.

No, my husband doesn't stuff food inside me mouth or hold a gun to my head, but he does make me feel guilty for not partaking with him. Even something simple like trying some slimfast shakes, he says "will you pls eat something, I can't see you starve yourself." And even when I tell him that I'm perfectly content, not starving myself, he presses on. It's hard sometimes to balance that comfort of yourself with the comfort of someone you love. And for anyone who has ever gone through a change while being in a relationship, you know as well as I do that at first change is just awkward and uncomfortable. So when something is uncomfortable, our partner pushes us to do the same thing we've always done and sometimes we give in to make them more comfortable.

Maybe taking your husband to a nutrition class will help both of you. If you are truly eating enough and not starving yourself then he should know the difference. When he tries to make you feel guilty, tell him how you feel. Maybe he doesn't realize he is even doing it.

dying_2b_skin3 · January 2014

if you red my post you would notice that i suffer from binge eating which came about after years of a abuse. binge eating is a mental disorder and even thorough i know i have it this doesnt stop the horrible condition taking over!!! I try and suround myself with positivity hence why my ticker says no excuses and why i came onto my fitness pal. my ticker isnt working is a Bollox excuse. see bet you that felt like a kick in the teeth yeah? just like your narrow minded jab at my condition. i can not physically stop at one! i eat one i feel bad so i eat another to try and cover my guilt. that just scrapes the surface of my day to day turmoil.

sillyvalentine · January 2014

if you red my post you would notice that i suffer from binge eating which came about after years of a abuse. binge eating is a mental disorder and even thorough i know i have it this doesnt stop the horrible condition taking over!!! I try and suround myself with positivity hence why my ticker says no excuses and why i came onto my fitness pal. my ticker isnt working is a Bollox excuse. see bet you that felt like a kick in the teeth yeah? just like your narrow minded jab at my condition. i can not physically stop at one! i eat one i feel bad so i eat another to try and cover my guilt. that just scrapes the surface of my day to day turmoil.

You can! You just said it yourself...mental disorder... it's all in your head. Mind over matter girl. You can do it. Choose to do it. I am really just trying to help you. It may not be the soft cuddly enabling help you are used to but that kind of help is probably why you are here in the first place. I'm not trying to insult you or "jab" you, just trying to open your eyes to what is right in front of you. Cheer up. Have a great day and remember, mind over matter.

Will Power with Lack of Support at Home

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