You are not your FAT!

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  • jsecret
    jsecret Posts: 606 Member
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    If someone were on fire, how would you bring up the subject. "Excuse me, I noticed that you have flames on you. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that but if you are not happy with these flames can I suggest that you drop on the ground and roll. Flames or not, you are still a beautiful person and I accept you for who you are."

    Being nice can kill.

    Best. Analogy. Ever!

    However, I completely agree. People occasionally need to be knocked off their dillusional throne and given a big dose of reality. I know many of us have friends who we have watched get bigger... Bigger... BIGGER and said nothing, but someday when one of those friends dies due to obesity it is going to be a terrible feeling knowing you could have done something to save them.

    Help put out those flame before they burn to the ground.
  • skinnyack
    skinnyack Posts: 683
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    haha... You said that to her?! Oh the storm clouds that must have passed through her eyes... (giggle).

    I'll be honest- I didn't know I was actually obese, and not just overweight, and when I looked in the mirror I didn't see how big I was. I just thought some people got some bad camera angles and the camera added 10 lbs. I "knew" I needed to get healthier, signed up for a trainer, and a machine told me I was obese- which hurt, and was embarassing, but it needed to happen. And then the pictures that were taken AFTER that made me see what was reality. Hell I'm still obese- but I'm getting closer to healthy- and I think I look now how I thought I looked then.

    We have such a distorted idea of what is overweight, obese, 'normal,' healthy, skinny. I say when someone throws it on the table meaning if she brings it up, and is a close friend, you are entitled to agree with facts. I don't think you did anything wrong. She may end up resenting you and not being your friend, but not as much as she is resenting herself.

    I hope she thinks about it and then comes and joins us on MFP!
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    @ purrfectgirl: i love the way you described your relationship...it is awesome that you two have that trust/communication level with each other.

    @ the OP: I don't think what you said was mean spirited, but it could've come across as harsh...I think coming out of someone's mouth hurts us more. Example: when I started MFP, I was in the obese BMI range. This information sucked, but I knew it was true. But if someone told me "you're obese" it would have hurt me much more deeply.
  • skinnyminnie
    skinnyminnie Posts: 95 Member
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    Bump
  • wyze
    wyze Posts: 248
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    Thank you poster for the positive message "we are not our fat"

    i didnt realize how big i was until i looked in pictures. I knew i was obese cos of my weight, but whn i looked in the mirror, i dint think i looked that big. But when people put up pictures i took with them, i'd look like a mountain beside them and that made me think that the time has come to do something about my weight which i am currently working on.

    It isnt easy for anyone, but once the weight comes off, its a joyful story we can tell and also an encouragement and inspiration to other obese and overweight people to do something about it...

    Cheers everyone and heres to meeting our fitness goals.
  • sbilyeu75
    sbilyeu75 Posts: 567 Member
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    OHHHHH....I agree!
  • edorice
    edorice Posts: 4,519 Member
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    A favorite quote:
    The scale measures your weight, not your worth.
  • Kimdbro
    Kimdbro Posts: 922 Member
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    im very much aware of how fat i am( and i am trying to change it), but it still hurts to hear other people say it...

    I agree, no one likes to hear it.... me being one of them, but the original poster is correct, if we don't want to hear it, don't bring the subject up. Most people would never say anything to an overweight person, but when they've brought the subject up it rather opens up the topic one would think. I'm sure he never would have met his friend and suddenly blurted out "wow you are obese!", she brought it up. Fair game.
  • kayemme
    kayemme Posts: 1,782 Member
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    I've thought about this a lot, being significantly overweight my whole life. Why does it hurt when other people say it like it is? It's like saying "you have freckles" to a freckled kid and that kid running off to cry.

    What I think happens is that when we get hurt it's because of our own judgments about it. If someone said to me, "hey fatty" I would think "wow, keep it classy!" but I wouldn't be evaluating my own worth. I'd just think the other person has some filter issue and move on.

    I have an ex husband who wouldn't wear shorts in public because he thought his legs were too skinny. It was narcissistic behavior: why would anyone really care about how his legs looked in shorts? So I realized one day he was walking around judging other people so much that he just assumed everyone did the same. And sure, his opinion mattered, but after a while it didn't. And then we broke up.

    People have actually said to me they don't think of me as a "fat girl" even though I have been over 300lbs at times. And I think it's because it's not really a core part of my identity. It's a fact, yes. I am a heavy woman. So what.

    So we have to be empathetic with issues like this because the OPs friend wasn't aware of herself, that's the biggest issue. The weight is truly secondary. And sometimes that denial comes in the form of judging other people while justifying your own actions. So THAT'S what's hard to hear. I'm not sayin the OPs friend was that way, just sayin these are my observations about people in general.
  • Kimdbro
    Kimdbro Posts: 922 Member
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    I've thought about this a lot, being significantly overweight my whole life. Why does it hurt when other people say it like it is? It's like saying "you have freckles" to a freckled kid and that kid running off to cry.

    What I think happens is that when we get hurt it's because of our own judgments about it. If someone said to me, "hey fatty" I would think "wow, keep it classy!" but I wouldn't be evaluating my own worth. I'd just think the other person has some filter issue and move on.

    I have an ex husband who wouldn't wear shorts in public because he thought his legs were too skinny. It was narcissistic behavior: why would anyone really care about how his legs looked in shorts? So I realized one day he was walking around judging other people so much that he just assumed everyone did the same. And sure, his opinion mattered, but after a while it didn't. And then we broke up.

    People have actually said to me they don't think of me as a "fat girl" even though I have been over 300lbs at times. And I think it's because it's not really a core part of my identity. It's a fact, yes. I am a heavy woman. So what.

    So we have to be empathetic with issues like this because the OPs friend wasn't aware of herself, that's the biggest issue. The weight is truly secondary. And sometimes that denial comes in the form of judging other people while justifying your own actions. So THAT'S what's hard to hear. I'm not sayin the OPs friend was that way, just sayin these are my observations about people in general.


    Very well said. That about sums it up. Our projections on what others are going to think of us are exactly that, projections. In reality they likely are thinking nothing at all about what we are ourselves silently judging over.
  • alantin
    alantin Posts: 621 Member
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    "Do these jeans make me look fat"

    LoL
    I think every guy at least has had hard time coming up with an answer to this.
    "Clothes don't make you look fat" had someone go up like oil thrown into flames..

    I hate this kind of "fat talk" and the fact that people often don't seem to WANT to do anything for their health. Just live in self deception and hear others enforce it. Then they get mad at you if you fail to conform to this "norm" for whatever reason.. Usually just because it come so out of the blue!

    @OP
    I feel ya! 100%

    Btw. Check this out!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdy3orO6tQA


    Another as bad is skinny people making these same episodes!
  • Blushing_prin_cess
    Blushing_prin_cess Posts: 14
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    I guess its kind of like asking "do these jeans make my butt look big?" NO... its your butt that makes the jeans look big!. Yes I am over weight(200+ at 5ft 1in)and I dont know I guess when I ask that question I am really hoping it isnt true maybe? i dont know. We know were "fat" we just want to know others see it maybe. Human nature is to seek approval from others.
  • jeorwa
    jeorwa Posts: 92 Member
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    If someone were on fire, how would you bring up the subject. "Excuse me, I noticed that you have flames on you. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that but if you are not happy with these flames can I suggest that you drop on the ground and roll. Flames or not, you are still a beautiful person and I accept you for who you are."

    Being nice can kill.

    TRUE that. I teach college students, and sometimes I have to help them see the hard truths. Usually it's shocking to them. BUT it's easier for someone outside the situation to see clearly! :-)
  • jeorwa
    jeorwa Posts: 92 Member
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    And also - for the LONGEST time I was in denial about my weight (I mean, I knew what size I was wearing, and what the scale said, but I thought I could hide my fat with clothing.....) It took a lot of unflattering pics for me to finally realize, that those weren't just pictures that made me look fat, I was actually fat!
    It's funny now to look back on it. I mean, really? I didn't think others knew I was fat? How silly of me!

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