orthorexia/anorexia self-recovery help

having suffered from eating disorders for years and controlled my for over 25 I realized that eating small amounts of any food I choose is the best thing for me. also I do step on the scale every day even though some people tell you not too. this way I don.t eat to little either. even if the mirror shows you different, a low number on the scale should tell you theirs a problem and your not seeing things correctly. I wish you luck and this is just my view on things. I hope you get the help you need its a terribly way to waste a life worth living.

Thank you. I'm not going to lie, that post was a little triggering for me and made me feel guilty but yes you're right, a lot of patients go on 3,000 calories. Which is why I'm a little anxious because I've already eaten 3,000 calories and I know I still have dinner tonight. I keep telling myself that I will do better to space out my meals the next day, but for some odd reason I just can't resist anymore.

I'm seeing my doctor later this month so hopefully this time I can come clean to her and tell her what's really on my mind.

I had a problem similar to yours in high school and I was told to eat 2800 calories per day to gain, so I'm just seconding that the 1500-2000 calories per day is wayy off. Even eating 2800 calories per day to gain, the gain was pretty slow and very healthy.
Don't worry about eating more than 3000 calories today. Try to just forget about calories. I know you'll still be thinking abuot them in the back of your mind, but calories shouldn't control you and bring guilt and worry if you go over a certain number. When I saw a dietitian she was hesitant to tell me how many calories she wanted me to eat because she didn't want me to feel bad if I ever ate more. If you eat 500 calories more at dinner, it really won't make any difference. Every person on this website who's trying to lose weight has had a day where they eat 500 calories over maintenance and nothing bad happens. It's the same with gaining weight. If you stick to near 3000 other days, one day of 3500 is absolutely A-okay. Try not to fret about it.
It's great that you're finally going to talk about this with your doctor though. I highly suggest seeing a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders, as regular dietitians sometimes are not as well educated in how to work with people suffering from an ED. Same thing goes with a psychiatrist. Until I found a psychiatrist that knew about eating disorders specifically, nothing got better for me mentally.

hello there.
currently in treatment for anorexia nervosa. i too find it very hard to balance what i eat. i either restrict or end up eating a bunch and feel like i can't stop, i think because of the deprevation i have done to my body over the years.
plan ahead of time what you will eat. slowly introduce those fear foods, and make mini goals for yourself. if i plan my day ahead of time it helps me stay on track than just eating whatever by impulse. idk if that makes any sense.
try to find calorie dense foods and eat small portions of them. try to drink a lottttt of water too to help fill you up and keep away from wanting to non stop binge.
have you ever tried eating disorders annonymous? they have in person, phone and online meetings and can be very helpful. i am currently in a research study for anorexia through ny presbyterian so my treatment is free. maybe something like that would benefit you? feel free to add me (just add a message or i will be like deny!) if you would like support

Well, this website basically says there's no such thing as eating too much in recovery, your body simply needs food to repair the damage caused by anorexia.
http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/5/22/extreme-hunger-what-is-it.html
http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2013/3/31/minniemaud-guidelines-for-recovery-from-a-restrictive-eating.html

You are on the right path, and you are changing your life for the better. I suggest you sign up for health insurance, if you have not done so already, either on your parents' plan or on your own through healthcare.gov. My friends have been surprised at how inexpensive good health insurance can be. Then take the next step and go see the doctor and ask for referrals to the approriate specialists. You are already on the road towards healing yourself. You can create a situation where you have great support.

Hi,

I am currently going through exactly the same issues. I find myself always promising that the next day will be different and i will eat different and 'unsafe' foods, but as soon as it comes to it, I struggle. My appetite is also very up and down. At the moment I don't feel like I have any appetite so eating is a big struggle, but other times I feel ravenous. I have never wanted to be thin and absolutely hate how my body looks when it is so underweight, but for some reason I can't let go of the control (even though realistically I'm not actually in control and the eating disorder is!).

The other day I wrote out a list of foods I used to previously enjoy that I would no longer allow myself. I now make it my mission to indulge in these foods. I find it helps slightly to have them written down (and I have written a LOT down!) because when someone offers me a food from the list, I am more inclined to eat it when I know I can tick it off the list as an achievement. I have a big variety of things written down such as my mums chicken curry and rice that I used to love, a jaffa cake, apple crumble.

I have also tried giving over the control to my mum with some meals. I tell her to cook me a meal and I make sure I stay out of the kitchen whilst she's cooking (if I see she is adding oil etc I go into a major panic, freak out, and tell her I will make my own after all).

I am also trying to avoid going to restaurants which have the calories on the menu as no matter how hard I try, I am always inclined to opt for the meal with the lowest calories. I still try and work out the calories and fat content etc when I am looking at a menu without the calories listed, but at least it takes the pressure away of forcing me to get the lowest calorie meal.

I have also tried replacing my snacks with foods I find difficult. Instead of having an apple I might have a chocolate. I know it doesn't sound like much at all but it is just about making those steps towards eating difficult and fattier foods, and breaking the habits of always having fruit for a snack etc. I am also trying to alter the vegetable/salad:carbs ratio. Normally I would have some lean protein ith a huge portion of veg and salad, but now I am trying to replace some of the greenery with carbohydrates like potato/chips/pasta/rice.

I really enjoy my food and look forward to my meals and I worry that adding in extra, more calorific snacks will spoil my appetite for my next meal. Sounds so pathetic but I want to be hungry enough to enjoy loads of food which I class as healthy and nutrient dense, instead of 'wasting calories' on a few chocolates for a snack. I know this is a very bad mindset to have, and although these foods are generally very healthy, they are not actually very healthy for me and my situation right now and it would probably be better for me to be eating a load of doughnuts and high fat and sugary foods!!

Hey there,

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you but I just wanted to say that you are incredibly BRAVE and STRONG for taking the step to tell your mother what is going on with you. You are doing a wonderful thing for your health and your life in facing this problem and trying to fix it. You do deserve to get well and you do deserve to get help. We will all be supporting you!

Oh my goodness I just read through everyone's advice and I can't thank everyone here enough!!! I always knew I had to see a professional, but then at the same time my ED self doesn't want to gain weight so of course I just turned here and I wasn't really too sure what to expect. Maybe some hope that I could do it on my own, but I KNOW that's just my ed talking to me because it can be in control of me still.

I am seeing my doctor this Tuesday for my weigh in and to talk about seeing a nutritionist/other professional to help me balance my meals more because I have been on a restricting/binging cycle for about 2 weeks and my body just feels awful for it. I realize more than ever that I need help fast!!

Thank you again SO much everyone for your advice and support and encouragement!!!! I really appreciate it a lot.

This is great to hear :-) You do need medical advice from people who understand you. The problem with forums (in general so I'm not being specific) will often give opinion dressed as fact as well as peoples own experience as something that will extrapolate to you. The latter may be true but it also may not. I think the biggest thing I would suggest is that you eat whatever you want as long as the food doesn't contain anything that could affect your brain - this list includes sugar, caffeine,alcohol, codeine (unless you really need it) (and any drugs that are currently illegal) and aspartame. A lot of people are not affected by these but if you are it could trigger binge type behaviour and you have enough on your plate right now to deal with. Also if you can get hold of one I would suggest you see an integrative, gestalt or transactional analysis psychotherapist. These will help you attack any possible underlying issues that you have (and that you may not even know you have). Eating disorders are complex as you know and attacking it on many fronts (GP/psychiatrist , your own generated self knowledge and a psychotherapist) should help you a lot. Don't give up , one day at a time for now and you can make it :-)

It's not considered "binging" if you're underweight/eating disordered. You can't be both on the restrictive end AND binging end of the spectrum. In cases like yours, it's actually considered reactive eating. And it's actually really good for you! Embrace this hunger, eat no less than 2,500 calories a day (3,000 and more is even better!) and try to get as much rest as possible! There are no bad foods for you right now- food isn't a moral issue. The more calorie dense and processed, the more easily your body can digest it and start working on repairs! Keep eating. Glad to see you take the first step toward recovery!

They key to breaking the binge restrict cycle is to not restrict when you binge. It is the restrict response that is partly triggering the binge. The binges also represent a total release of control, because you are so controlling of your diet the rest of the time. Been there, done that and have decades of eating disorder issues behind me. You need to incorporate nuts, seeds, avocado, some cheese...fats, basically and to aim for a healthy balance of all the macro nutrients. Your body is trying to grab back what you have deprived it of for so long but you can take control of this by ensuring that you fill up on enough healthy food that you simply wont have room or desire to binge. Also, keep yourself occupied between meals as boredom can be a real trigger.

Consider asking for a referral to a eating disorder clinic (dependent on country, health insurance, etc). Many ED clinics have multidisciplinary teams w/ medical doctors/nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, nutritionists, etc. they also can have varied level of care depending on the depths of the eating issues, medical complications, place in recovery. Care can range from inpatient, to intensive outpatient, to even weekly or less. Consider a multidisciplinary perspective. Talk to your doctor about your concerns.

Edit: darn autocorrect

This. Or at least seek out some counseling. If Insurance won't cover it, there should be no or low cost options in your area. This is really not something you want to deal with without some professional help, at least initially.

Hi, congratulations on taking the first step towards recovery! I haven't read all the replies to this topic, but I wouldn't think 3000 calories would be too much either for steady weight gain. However, I had anorexia when I was a teenager and when I decided to deal with it I gained the weight so fast I then found it difficult to control my weight gain even after I had reached a healthy weight. I was eating probably 5000 calories a day some days, which I slipped into very quickly once I had the mindset of gaining weight. I have been a bit too heavy for about 5 years now. So I would warn you not to get into the habit of bingeing, which I did, and not to get into the habit of eating huge huge quantities of food, because it just makes you hungry for those sorts of quantities, so that it becomes difficult to eat a healthy amount later. I think I have really messed up my appetite and metabolism through all the extreme starving and then binge eating. Also if you gain weight too fast you will get stretch marks, which isn't the end of the world, but is a bit depressing. Good luck, anyway!

Also, keep yourself occupied between meals as boredom can be a real trigger.

^^yep

I had a problem similar to yours in high school and I was told to eat 2800 calories per day to gain, so I'm just seconding that the 1500-2000 calories per day is wayy off. Even eating 2800 calories per day to gain, the gain was pretty slow and very healthy.
Don't worry about eating more than 3000 calories today. Try to just forget about calories. I know you'll still be thinking abuot them in the back of your mind, but calories shouldn't control you and bring guilt and worry if you go over a certain number. When I saw a dietitian she was hesitant to tell me how many calories she wanted me to eat because she didn't want me to feel bad if I ever ate more. If you eat 500 calories more at dinner, it really won't make any difference. Every person on this website who's trying to lose weight has had a day where they eat 500 calories over maintenance and nothing bad happens. It's the same with gaining weight. If you stick to near 3000 other days, one day of 3500 is absolutely A-okay. Try not to fret about it.

as a young person who is currently seeing a dietician to repair damage caused by past disordered eating, this is rly helpful !! i still count calories (... probably unhealthy for me to be using myfitnesspal if im recovering but oh well) and when the total starts to near 3k, i freak out. i need to gain weight but 2.5k calories/day seems more like a "healthy weight gain" plan to me. i don't know, its tricky. but knowing that even pre-2014, 2.8k was normal for recovery makes me feel less guilty